March 12th, 2010
Email to Stefan
I know I keep repeating myself in my emails to you. Iv’e not been trying to torture you. I’ve really not wanted to make you feel terrible. I just… i thought… that maybe if you could explain the things that haunt me, I’d be done with them in my head… maybe if you’d…. sigh. I know it’s ridiculous, but I thought that maybe we could be together somehow. My question asking, my hoping that you might be willing to …. my hoping that you might…. want me…. that maybe we could be together.
I know you don’t want me. Not… the way that I want you.
I wish I could live with that. I really truly do.
Crap. Thats not the point. Really, I just wanted to say:
I keep offending you without meaning to.
I saw your blog last night. Unlike you, I do check your online content from time to time.
Granted, your posts tend to be far less personal than mine, so I can understand your avoidance. Anyway…
I don’t think you are a monster. I don’t think you are a terrible person. I am really terribly sorry if my last email made you think so.
You are, and always will remain, one of the most fabulous human beings I have ever known.
The time we’d had together filled my life with more happy moments and memories than … I think in the three or so years I’ve known you, you’ve created more joy than I’d experienced from the end of childhood until… meeting you.
Every SiNGLE time you’d come to the door, I’d be excited. Every single time.
Every single kiss was like a timid teenage kiss.
Every single meal we shared was a feast of celebration.
You, more than anyone else on earth, made the every day a happy adventure. With nobody else might I generate in me so many happy fun memories of just going food shopping. With nobody else could I look back on so many fabulous evenings of the seemingly mundane; sitting and drawing or internetting side by side for hours. Those were seriously magical and joyous times.
You are the only person I’ve ever been close to who hasn’t run in fear at the state of my health. That’s no easy task. Especially considering that I’ve only gotten worse since I’ve known you.
You are the only person I’ve slept entwined with, and felt the kind of comforting joy and utter peace at that moment of drifting to sleep that I imagine children feel, but with the added fervor of adult passions.
You are the only person with whom I was entirely possessed by the act of our bodies becoming one, the only person with whom I my mind didn’t run off in a million tangents, the only person with whom I didn’t have to stop myself from uttering random thoughts while being intimate. You are the only person who really captured me in that way.
I’ve been a pathetic excuse of a self sufficient human being, with no grasp on my life whatsoever, and you’d accepted that in stride. You’ve helped me in my struggle more than any other person I’ve ever had in my life. EVER.
You understand the importance of silliness, and the allure of childhood, while not turning a blind eye to the horrors of the adult world. That’s rare, and oh so appreciated.
I desperately wish we could give each other what we need. In almost every respect, I truly do see us as perfectly matched, perfectly complimenting each other, perfectly opposite, perfectly identical… like puzzle pieces of the same color, but with inverted curls and knobs (those are the official terms for jigsaw pieces, I looked it up) that fit seamlessly together, and complete the picture the other only has half of. Yes, in just about every way. But this one thing… well, it only takes one tiny angle of difference to keep the pieces from fitting.
if I didn’t care about you so very much… if i didn’t see in you everything I never thought I’d find in a human, everything I never knew I’d want so desperately, if I didn’t think that what we were was so infallible, so above everything, so very much the best thing I ever experienced in my life…. then I wouldn’t be so hurt.
If I didn’t care… I wouldn’t care. If you didn’t mean so much to me, if I hadn’t believed so completely that we were entirely open and honest with each other, I’d not have crumbled so to find there was so much I wasn’t part of. And I’d be able to plod along as before, not minding the idea that… well, all the things that have filled my brain since. I’m sorry it affects me so. But it does, and I cannot overcome that. I really have tried. I simply can’t not feel betrayed by certain things. I simply cannot trust in or feel close to you anymore, given these circumstances.
I wish I didn’t care about you so much. Then it wouldn’t hurt, and then I could have you in my life. What a stupid vicious cycle.
Every day, I still see things I want to show you, have ideas of things I want to share with you, see recipes I want to cook for you (aunt mary watches so many cooking shows, it happens often), have ideas of things for us to do together, have a million things in my head I want to talk to you about. Every day.
Everything is still empty and hollow without you.
Every day I miss you and I cry a little.
Still.
I wish things were different. I wish i’d known everything… then I wouldn’t have ended up so… ended up too much…
I never ever had anyone who was even close to as important as you’ve been to me. There is a reason for that.
You are a fabulous, amazing, generous, understanding, alluring, silly, driven, devoted, smile-inducing, fun, intelligent person. Exceedingly so, in every way. You are these things, regardless of how few can see some of these traits in you. I know that I will never ever ever find anyone who will compare to you.
…
If you can ever put to words answers for the questions that haunt me…. please do contact me. I’d really really appreciate it.
If you ever want me… if you ever want to share with me the kind of glorious partnership I dream of us sharing… let me know. My life would explode in fireworks of dandelions and orchids.
Otherwise, I think we should let this end.
I hope you believe how much I care for you, and how highly I think of you, how wonderful I think you are. I hope you can find someone who will be as absolutely-fabulously-everything to you as you’ve been for me. I hope you can share in that with someone someday. You deserve someone to bring some joy to your existence, and a person in your life you can not only enjoy, but truly trust.
I wish I could have been that person for you.
I just…. I just really wanted you to know how magical I truly do think you are. I’m sorry for having to send yet another email to you to say that.
I’ll leave you be now.
Love,
Rachael
I told him so many times that I’d be his if he wanted me. I tried so many times to say goodbye, but I couldn’t let him go without answers. We continued to communicate.