April 10th, 2010
Email to Stefan
an offer.
From my past, and from my recent actions… you question my outlook, perspective, and therefore, your worth in my eyes. Yes?
Well. I meant it. That offer of mine. You pick the time frame.
4 years? Two? Seven?
I will use that time to build myself and be, unmistakenably, the sort of person who you’d have no reservations about. The sort of person who is ruled by a staunch self respect… and demand respect of all with whom I interact. Someone fabulous. The sort of person who … you’d want to be close to.
I will use that time to be… me. The one I want to be. The one you unearthed from within me, and continues to grow.
I will use that time to wait for you.
…
You tell me when. Where.
Because… you need to know. You need to know what I am.
No response.
April 13th 2010
email from me
I know we haven’t been writing.
I know there’s great reason for this.
But… I’ve got a bit to say.
(I’ll gladly repeat this in person if and when I ever see you, but I doubt my ability to explain it all as orderly as I have here.)
ahem.
For years, you called me “best friend”.
For years, you told me again and again that I was the one person who, if anyone knew something about you, I did.
For years, you and I were sleeping together regularly.
Meanwhile, you were having sex with other people. You concealed this fact from me. Given our seemingly honest and close relationship, your sexual interactions outside of me are a lie of omission.
No, having “relations” with others is not something that we discussed – but concealing your sexual (and/or close emotional) interactions with others is NOT the way one treats their “very best friend” they communicate with DAILY, with whom they have a sexual relationship of years, and who is assured that they know everything a human being could about your current life.
The only reason that I even KNOW this fact, is because I had to ask you directly after months of you avoiding and dancing around the issue. The only reason I knew to ask is because you informed me that I was to assume that you were currently being intimate with other women, and to assume that you would continue to without any possible change.
You had SEX with other women while you were involved with me, and didn’t bother to let me know, even after I made it clear that I didn’t think that was going on.
Conversely,
I fooled around with (but did not have sex with) someone when you and I were not involved with one another, and not until I thought we were beyond repair.
(meanwhile, you had sex with others while you could have had me, and while we communicated daily.)
I told you of my being with someone else within days of realizing that my actions were of relevance to you and I.
(meanwhile, you let me live for months and months with vague allusions and confusing painful avoidence, while suffering and begging you for answers)
I told you that it was not something that was going to happen again.
(meanwhile, you told me that I’d to assume that you were currently with others, and would continue to indefinitely)
I told you who, why, what it meant to me emotionally, the nature of the relationship I had with <Vermont Friend’s Brother> (and even HOW it happened when you asked), and that I didn’t intend on maintaining an active friendship with him any more.
(meanwhile, I’ve no idea who, when, why, how often, what it meant. I’ve no idea in what way or how often you and the person(s) in question interact now, or what that implies to how you feel about me if you’d desire to be with others when you could have been with me.)
You say you feel slighted and disrespected that you met <Vermont Friend’s Brother>, and yet he was willing to engage with me physically knowing how much I cared about you. You tell me that I’ve not been a hidden secret, and that EVERYONE in your life is fully aware of how important I am to you, that you do not shy away from making it apparent.
Following that logic,
The person(s) YOU slept with was not only well aware of how much I meant to you, but aware that we were still a part of each other’s lives. I should be just as (if not more so) offended at this mystery person(s?) with whom you were sleeping.
You look on it as “unflattering” that I’d been emotionally connected to and sleeping with someone who was not my boyfriend, and remained friends with him afterwards.
Following that logic,
That makes my relationship with you “unflattering”, being that I’m even more emotionally connected to you, have been sleeping with you for years now, while you’d been sleeping with others and not telling me.
You have a great problem with the notion that I’ve slept with some of my friends at points in my life, that I’m still friends with people with whom I shared a sexual relationship (either romantic or friend-based, because most of these people are still important to me in some way).
So… what am I to you, then?
And what are the others with whom you’ve slept? You can sleep with your friends (and HIDE IT), but I can’t do the same?
The double standards in our situations are STAGGERING and plainly obvious. If you are concerned so much about how you are viewed by others, consider that. Even without my narration, without my side of things being explained…. the inequities between what you deem permissable for you as opposed to everyone else is loud and easy to decipher.
<Roommate> and <The Brother> feel free to have their women over constantly, and yet, I’ve been lucky if I’m invited over for a night or two every two months. <Prime Roommate> doesn’t feel comfortable with me being over? Well… too bad. Seriously. That’s just ridiculous. I don’t believe for a moment that you let anyone dictate what you can do in your home if you feel you’ve the right to. This is an excuse.
Perhaps <Prime Roommate> wouldn’t mind my company so much if he and I had been permitted to develop some sort of friendship. He and I had been getting along quite well and seemed to enjoy each other’s company. That is, until you decided to upset yourself at my chatting openly with him, and extending an invitiation to him to visit Ocean Grove. Ever since that morning when you grew visibly angered and upset, I’ve not had one comfortably friendly interaction with him. He and I have, ever since, avoided eye contact or direct interaction. I can’t say I blame him being wierd about my visits, considering that he and I are essentially not permitted to interact freely.
There is no reason for us to go on discussing things.
Either you can get over all this, or you can’t.
Either you can accept the fact that I was intimate with someone, that I’ll remain distantly friends with him, and that I’ve a few other friends with whom I’ve been intimate, or you can’t.
Either you are willing to have me over as often as one would expect between people romantically/sexually involved, or you aren’t.
Either you do want to discard the past and hurt between us and begin again, or you don’t.
Either you can involve yourself with me in a romantic, affectionate, and non-secret manner (“dating” for lack of a better term) or you can’t.
Either you can honestly tell me that you’d want to be exclusive with me, or you can’t.
Either you love me, or you don’t.
Yes or no.
That’s it. Yes or no.
If your answer is Yes…
but if you still need time…
that offer remains.
tell me how long. give me a date.
tell me where and when to meet you.
And then, when we meet, we can begin.
Together.
New.
no response.