October 14th
Email from me
When I drew pictures of me ripping my heart out of my chest as a present to you (I can’t imagine what you’d possibly think that would have otherwise meant)…. and wrote this…. I thought I pretty clearly established my position on things. I thought that I pretty plainly asked you to consider…
I thought you let me know by spending the night with me soon after. By continuing on the same path we had been traveling down.
And so from that moment, the rest of me got swept in the wake of what I thought was your acceptance and reciprocation.
I didn’t think you could somehow interpret that what I’d been describing here as just maintaining being “best friends”.
If this is a surprise to you, you are probably the last person on earth to suspect it. I really didn’t think you didn’t know. I really thought we were speaking the same words with our skin.
I feel a bit betrayed. By my own wishful thinking or by your own blind avoidance, I don’t know. But I didn’t leap into this without checking the waters first. And yet, now I drown.
I’d like to say that maybe we could talk on the phone or meet up and maybe discuss things, but I’ve been sobbing pretty consistently since last night and feeling pretty crazy and not slept, so I’m not sure how coherant I’d be, or how well that would play out, especially if you are looking to avoid feelings of guilt.
Sorry if this was long. I tried to be succinct.
Email from Stefan
I’m not mentally fit to deal with this right. I shouldn’t have read this while my client is having a cig break. I wish you’d stop crying. My thoughts & feelings run just as deep as yours.In….different ways. I have my own issues, in piles….at the moment. It’s all scrambly.
Again….I don’t want you to cry. ….and we’ll talk. Okay….he’s back.
October 15th 2009
Email from me
You’ve asked me not to make you feel guilty, paint you out to be the bad guy, and I haven’t. I’ve only repeated the words I’d written before, explained how I got to this emotional place. But you, however, have blamed me outright. You’ve told me that I “reduced our bond”, “fast forwarded to the end of it”, “robbed you of a best friend” and blame me for ruining the month of October for you. You even went back to the first time we hooked up, and quoted my words, as though that phrase uttered over three years ago (before this bond grew so strong, and lasted so long) should dissuade all possible future emotional entanglements… mentioned the past hook-up with <Mutual Friend> a reason you’d have otherwise have never been physical with me, as though that too dissuades all current burdens of interpersonal-emotions.
This gives the impression that you are implying: “hey, you said I shouldn’t think about it… and anyway, if you’d told me about <Mutual Friend> from the beginning, we never would have even STARTED this. I’m off the hook.”
(is that what you meant to imply? because I hope not. i’d like to think not. but I’m not sure what else to think.)
You write that “I wish you’d not do this” like I’m setting out to ruin you. Like I want this to happen. Like I want this to be the reaction to my confessions of love-feelings.
You accuse me of reducing our bond, when I’d been explaining to you that I care for you more deeply and completely than I’d thought humanly possible. You think I don’t know what you’ve lost? I don’t consider you a romantic interest INSTEAD OF a friend – you are my best friend, my only true friend, the most important person in my world, AND the person for whom I’ve fallen head over heels, who I thought was maybe falling with me. The only person I’ve ever been this close to. I know that the best friend bond is stronger than anything. The person in this world who wounded me the very most was <ex-best friend>, the only “best friend” sort I ever had, the one person that might come even a fraction of a decimal point close to comparing to you and your importance in my life. Her loss still rings emptiness inside me, her betrayals still ache… any romances I’ve had, those are all sharp stings that only hurt when poked.
But you are both, to me. You are a hybrid of both worlds, the best friend I’ve fallen for, and I’m agonizing over this. I can’t lose you. but it’s slipping away.
I’ve not forced you into ANYTHING. I made it clear what my limits are, you made it clear what yours are. I haven’t asked you to do anything but be honest with me. The simple fact is that you don’t care about me the way I care about you. I’m not asking you to. I wouldn’t want something you don’t really feel. But this isn’t as simple as accepting that we are different people with different ideas. I’ve devoted myself heart mind and soul to you, and you’ve rejected that as an experience you’d share with me. Unfortunately, that will change things. But I have NOT asked you for anything you can’t, wouldn’t, or are otherwise unable to give.
You’ve told me that you’d back off and give me room to find someone I might really like, after I told you that I wanted only you. Is that something you’d want reciprocated? I mean, sure, if you were interested in someone I’d not FIGHT for you to care about me; I’d back right off. But… if that’s the assumption of our roles… in that case, we’ve both got the status as “someone you’d stay with until someone better came along, someone better who you’d rather sleep with, and someone better who you’re saving your romantic nature for.”
I’m not settling for you. I’m not saving anything for anyone else. You are like Christmas morning to me.
But you don’t want me.
It’s tearing me apart inside.
I don’t blame you for not feeling what I wish you felt.
I only wish you’d stop blaming me for feeling the way I do. For being devastated.
You are, really, my everything.
Friend,
dawn-movie-watcher,
sex-fun-romper,
confidant,
partner in crime,
secret-giver,
kindergarten kid,
maker of smiles,
leaf pile kicker,
kissing partner,
saviour,
BEST FRIEND.
everything.
(i’m sorry this was long.)
Email from Stefan
Yes….I am saying angry things, and I’m sure you know why. This isn’t fun for me. I feel guilty no matter what here…..so, fine. I’ll stop saying it’s you, and just say……more appropriately, it’s because of all of this.
This is all hard and annoying…..and bad -timing, is the cherry on top. I really have my hands full at the moment. I’m completely unrested, slouched, and blood shot eyed. Their are screws…..tape and plastic all around me…..and I don’t feel like doing anything with them, but…i’m pretending to until I get in waves of zombified decorating. Which doesn’t last long.
I…..can’t even think. This is all wrong,I guess I’m a disappointment. I’m helped hurt you. I’m pretty inclined to want to hurt myself over this. I don’t want my feelings for you….debased. I am proud of how much you mean to me. If that becomes worthless……I’ve not much left to remind me i’m human. Without you as my friend…….even as I think of the idea, I feel my vision is blurring and blackening. If our friendship ends….I will…..become the next level of crude towards people. Or rather…..just….more apathetic. My heart already bobs in a sloshy lukewarm wooden barrel because of my life and the way it’s played out thus far. It at least heats up and feels good when I’m with my best friend. I wish this…..wasn’t happening now. Sigh…..I hope I won’t lose you. I don’t want to think about it. Nor do I know what the good is in writing back & forth, and not hanging out. It’s….again. Too much for me at the moment. I have piles to clean….and it’s 6:30. Christ.
I am, your best friend. Whether we talk…..or not.
October 16th 2009
email from me
ok. i’ve been thinking.
this… wierdness… this terrible wierdness…
THE START:
it’s because i adore you in every dim dank corner of your existence, everything you’ve shared, and even the private hidden parts I can’t see. they are you, and i so, I adore.
I care so much it hurts. and… caring so much, having someone be the universe to me, well…. it’s a precarious place to be.
You being my best friend is amazing to me, and if ever I were to put a name to our relationship, “best friends” is what springs first to mind. Always. But even though I’ve never had a friend I was so devoted to, I do recognise that my feelings for you branch further than that of friends. They do branch beyond that of friends, even further than the fiercest of friendships, and go on to twine through lands of passionate heart-pounding soul-aching everythingness.
To me, that’s not lessening our friendship. That’s our already intense and of-paramount-importance friendship, plus added intensity on top.
To you, me saying the words “romance” seem to make you think I’ve pruned the wild vibrant thing of our friendship down to fit in a prom corsage box to be dutifully handed over with proper ediquette and protocol.
We use different words, but… are we saying the same thing in this case? I think we are. I can’t image we’d have been misunderstanding each other as badly as is seems. I think putting things to words is just what gets in our way.
Please…. tell me.
please.
SECURITY BLANKET:
ok, so…. that’s where it started…. because sometimes, y’know… I know you know… CHRIST it’s terrifying to have such huge chunks of raw unprotected pink fleshy parts of the soul exposed, and so easily crushed to smithereens. I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted another human in my entire life. That’s why it’s so scarey.
Maybe because I didn’t understand the full importance the words “best friend” resonates in you, but it… made me feel a bit insecure. In a security guard sort of way.
So I try to figure out what’s going on. I try to explain what I’m going through, and see where you are at, so I know if things are held together my spiderwebs or not. It makes me NERVOUS, not knowing how you consider things, while you’ve got all my innards breathing on your lap.
I mean, I’m not for convention or tradition or anything… but you’ve got at least 80% of my entire being at your slightest whim, and sometimes, I need a bit of reassurance that you aren’t going to disappear.
THE WRECKAGE:
What wrecked me, was your telling me about how you’d inspect whatever future suitor I had. And then offered to step aside to give me room to FIND a “person i really like”.
When I told you that I’d never FIND a “person I really llike” while I had you blinding my view, it’s not because you are some sort of obstacle. It’s because I only want you. It doesn’t matter how much we hang out; it’s not a matter of you taking up my time and keeping me from meeting or connecting with other people. It’s because you, everything that you are, and whatever it is that you offer me, is what I want.
And that’s all I want.
It’s not settling. It’s not because I’m just comfortable. It’s because you…. i can’t even put it into words. What you mean. What effect you have.
I don’t understand what you think I could possibly find in someone else that would compare. I can’t imagine how you’d think I would end up in conversation with someone and think “gosh, i’d rather give my heart to this fellow!” I mean, what is it you think I’m looking for? Do you think I desperately want someone to call me “girlfriend”? Do you think I want to go on dates? Have dinner with someone’s parents? Buy a DOG together? Really, honestly, you’ve seen the extent of my being affectionate and mooshy. I have never been a very … outwardly demonstrative person. Honestly, yes, I’d like to kiss you more often than I do, maybe in more casual settings than bedtime with pajamas… maybe when couch squishy… or car sitting…. or outside (!! that would be fun!) but I can’t …. really… sometimes, I’m still scared to touch you. Sometimes, it’s still overwhelming and nervewracking.
And I think that’s amazing.
Really, what you are is what I want. The way our dynamic is, the way we interact, is what I enjoy.
I meant it when I said I’d go with you on the run from the law. I meant it when I said that you make more sense to me than anyone else.
THE REASONING:
The reason you telling me that wrecked me so, was what I feared was implied. Your willingness to stand aside and let me find a person; that you’d so easily watch what we have slide away. That’s what drove me to sobs.
And further, the idea that this might be reciprocal. That you are in turn expecting to find yourself “someone you really like”, someone that would be your romance-person. That my offer is being discarded in favor of something better coming along… that our time together is just settling… is just for now…
… that it’s not that you have an aversion to romance in general… you just don’t want it with ME….
That’s what is upsetting to me. And THAT is where the difference, the specifics of difference, lays in my feeling lessened by earning nothing other than “best friend.” That’s why I am seeking out some sort of definition, even if that is loose, vauge, and no promises attached… some sort of something that includes the sex and the most-important-person-in-my-world sort of stuff that isn’t really covered by the “best friend” clause in my experience.
So that’s what I think I’d like to know. Just for this moment, I’d like to know where we stand. Are you looking? Are you open to the possibility of meeting a romantic partner, or, at least, a dating/sexual person?
Do you not have any romantic feeling for me?
I think these are fair questions, and simple, and…
I’m tired.
I just want to be able to care about you a whole lot and not feel like the rug could be pulled out from me at any moment without me having wanring or a leg to stand on. This has no bearing on my questioning your loyalty to me, it’s just me having an idea of what the hell is going on, what to expect, what to prepare for.
It’s nearly three. If … you might enjoy my company… you could come get me before dawn and we could …. hide…. talk maybe? not talk and just cling in the darkness maybe?
eat pumpkin products?
I miss you.
email from Stefan
Thank you for writing that. It’s…..very lucid, and I was still a bit fuzzy on everything.(I’m serious) …..I’m feeling icky at the moment, I went to the diner before and the food made me feel gross…and the grossness hasn’t subsided.
I’m feeling overwhelmed on every level, and feeling a bit ill….doesn’t help.
Your questions are beyond fair. I’ll try to answer them clearly.
First of all….I’m NEVER, “looking”…..for a person to connect/date/sleep with. That’s not in my general demeanor and probably will never be. I think you already know that though.
Second. I don’t think anyone can say they’re not ,”open to the possibility of meeting someone”. Even people in relationships can’t deny a….possibility. No matter what you say, you are just as vulnerable to a, possibility….as me. At least, that’s what I think. Nor do I think it’d ever make us stop….caring for each other….if that happened.
Lastly….of course I have romantic feelings for you…..I have every kind of feeling for you.
Though…..like you said….the first word combo that comes to mind when thinking of us is,”best friends”. Even though, as you stated, we don’t ride a conventional wave…..with our words of otherwise. I believe our, best friend-ship…..is something like that out of a wonderful childrens’ book. I, would rather preserve that, because….that….is what’s truly important to me. That’s what I feel is in jeopardy. So….obviously, that’s what I’m scared to lose.
We’ve never……stop being intimate for a long period of time, since we’ve started. I, think it would be wise to,stop. To see what affect it has. I can’t know how I truly feel otherwise…..and to be fair to you. I will not be affectionate with you, if my brain still allows the notion of….possibilities.
The one thing I am POSITIVE of, is that…..I don’t want to lose my best friend. Which, is what I feel is happening. It’s…..doing bad things to me. You win…over everyone with me. No one, is as important as you to me.
…now….I must go upstairs…..I feel…..nauseated. I, am way behind on stuff.
I miss you too. About ten times a day on average.
email from me
I, think it would be wise to,stop. To see what affect it has. I can’t know how I truly feel otherwise…..and to be fair to you. I will not be affectionate with you, if my brain still allows the notion of….possibilities.
This makes me sad. I really wanted all this wierdness to end, and just, in my head i was making a reward to be able to clutch and cling tightly and kiss you. This makes me feel like it’s the beginning of the backwards momentum.
But it really hurts. It’s the only language I can use to explain the fire you burn in me.
Will you let me know, please? Would you tell me what the effect ends up being? And would you tell me if you end up physical with someone else? I don’t want to end up feeling the fool. I think I already feel the fool. The frequency has been waning, and you’ve seemed less interested physically.
No, we never HAVE stopped being intimate for a long period of time since we started, which was the very beginning.
That’s … part of what we have. It always has been. I thought it was important.
This is…. you win.
ok.
Whatever you want.
now i guess there won’t be any debate about us being “more than friends” or not. good job.
wow, this hurts.
ok.
this is probably how it feels when a girl breaks up with a guy and says they can still be friends.
ok.
ouch.