October 22nd 2009
email to Stefan
I’m writing.
I don’t want to be writing. I wanted to speak to you directly. Face to face. But there just isn’t the time, I suppose.
I don’t want to be doing this. I don’t want to be upset. I don’t want to be crying. I don’t want there to be any wierdness between us.
I really really did think… that we were exclusive. That… not because of a bargain or deal agreed on, not because of constraints, but because we felt strongly enough about one another, enjoyed one anther so much far and beyond what we could for others, that we only shared our bodies with each other. And that’s the best way. The only way it actually MEANS anything.
And I was wrong.
And now, I can’t help but think a million and one thoughts. I don’t know if this is borne of a newfound clarity of being less naive about goings on, or if it’s all just unfair and paranoid crazy thoughts…. but they just come rushing and rushing at my head. I can’t NOT think things like:
“christ, no I didn’t see that spreader bar on the floor.”
or
“god, he was stripping his bed and washing his sheets before i was even out the door”
or
“yes, he IS disproportionately secretive when hanging out with some of his female friends, STUPID!”
or
“no wonder we’ve been friends for three years, and even though i’ve explained how painfully lacking in social activities i am and would welcome any of even the lamest excursions, I’ve still never been included, invited, or even MET any of his friends aside from those he lives with”
or
“he used to put up pictures online of his scratched back and now I’m not allowed to leave any marks”
or
“maybe that’s why he wanted me to take down that picture of he and I from facebook; because we were in pajamas laying down”
or
“hey, it’s the Halloween party, the one time a year I ever see or met any of his friends“
i know you aren’t going to put closure to my weird thoughts. I don’t expect you to.
I’m not saying this is right, or fair. it’s just what’s happening in my head.
but they just keep coming. and i just feel stupid. and broken. because I didn’t see. because I let all the times we expressed to each other that we were paramount in each other’s lives blind me to any other possibility. Because… i didn’t even think something like that would be going on at this point, and because I trust you implicitly, it never even occurred to me that you might bed anyone else. Those few instances when all logic pointed to that obvious conclusion, I cast it aside and said no. I thought, after how very honest we’d been with each other, that being intimate with someone else was something you’d have told me. y’know, being as obviously invested in you as I am.
Whatever. it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter how or why anymore.
I don’t for a moment doubt you when you tell me of my paramount importance to you. But really…. being that I was living in this obviously deluded state that I was in for so long…. this knowledge of you being with others, to me is new. This is a brand new thing to process in my brain. And it hurts. It hurts more than I can take. You may not have been knowingly deceiving me, and rationally I can accept that, but emotionally, I feel betrayed. It’s a kick to my heart like getting cheated on AND the “we can be friends” speech in one fatal blow. But worse. Because, like I said, I don’t believe in contracts, and I really thought you felt that way.
I thank you for those last two days. I wanted at least to try, to see if I could bear it…. I wanted, in case I couldn’t bear it, to at least have a last time of physical closeness with you, sex or not. I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to kiss you so much, but kept from doing so too much, lest it rise in me the tears that hovered below the surface.
I’m sorry about the timing of this.
but.
I can’t be this person to you.
I can’t keep crying at your existence.
I can’t be hidden in plain view.
I can’t be the person you call at 6am.
I can’t be next to you, wanting you in ways you don’t want me.
I can’t know you share yourself with others and still be who I was with you.
I can’t.
I tried to reverse my feelings and mindset, and it didn’t work.
I gave my everything to you, and I’m not enough.
I don’t know how I will survive without you in my life.
But.
I can’t be near you and not be in pain.
It doesn’t matter why, it doesn’t matter who did it.
I won’t use those words we don’t use. But the way I feel about you is the sort of way that I truly think only comes once in a person’s life. The sort of way that I don’t think ever goes away.
I really would have been that person for you forever.
But I can’t, now.
I have to go away from you.
I don’t know how long it will take. Maybe once I find myself a social life and sex life of my own, maybe then we can be friends again on equal footing.
Maybe not.
Maybe it won’t ever happen.
thank you for being my everything person for a while.
You can call me if you want to speak about things. I’d like to speak to you. I’d have liked this to be in person.
i’d have liked to kiss you goodbye.
i already miss you.
email from Stefan
….i could not be more angry.
You….kicked me out of your life.
You….ended our friendship.
You….now post you instantly want to go visit ANYONE….which rather feels like you trying to instantly replace me…..or at least let me know.
You….are the only reason we don’t hang out. I’ve done nothing…….and feel nothing but guilt. You don’t accept me and the ways I think….and unfairly so. I’m tired of reading your hourly life ruined….and now that you’re trying to cast yourself into ANYONE’s life, willing to respond on facebook……knowing YOU……left our friendship. My month, mind and life for an undetermined time……is ruined. Unfriend me on facebook……so I don’t need to read how YOU…..for whatever reason you feel……can’t talk to me, and in the blink of an eye, wants to visit someone else…..anywhere.
I couldn’t be angrier right now.
I….gave you everything I could. You…….ended our friendship……and can’t stop reminding me.
…….i’m grinding my teeth……and i don’t deserve this shit. I’m gonna kick a fuckin’ hole through a wall. I hope whoever you visit could replace everything I’ve done……at this point……i’d rather you just forget about me.
I really can’t explain the anger…..and betrayal…….which I deserve to feel…….you don’t.
I don’t hate you……and I hope you do well tomorrow with the photo job. ……but…..i’m so angry at how you post your minute to minute life…..and refuse to believe most of what you say now.
…..and as far as all that,”I should’ve known, I’m a fool, washing the sheets, I shouldv’e realized he didn’t want to be scratched”, and so on……that’s all bullshit. …..and, if you feel you need a sex life to start talking to me again, then……don’t…..talk to me again.
You’ve taken our friendship……and fucked it. You DON’T respect ANYTHING I’ve said, done, or believe to be meaningful. …..and clearly never will. I’ve wasted my time. The anger is…..immeasurable.
…..and just to put it succinctly. You hurt ,insulted, and disappointed me deeply.
October 23rd 2009
email from Stefan
Since I now have to surrender my website….at least give me a warning before you take it down or sabotage it. I can’t wait to start making less money…..but don’t worry, now that you’re getting jobs,and I’m happy for you……you can now rest assure that you don’t need to fulfill that excitement of ,”getting to treat me to things”…….but it was nice that you pretended you wanted to. I can’t believe you sprang all this…..like this. You’ve cried so much and I’ve always been there for you. Now I’m told to go fuck off……when I’m on the verge of relapse. You aren’t there for me. I’m there for you. Still…..through my blackened piercing anger……I’m there for you. I never back down on my vows. As much of a chump as I am for it. This will be the first night in years…..pills…..put me to sleep. Don’t ever claim you’re there for me when I need you. ….and don’t ever claim, that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sure this’ll all die down soon and I’ll stop pretending you understand ANY, of my side……then, you can pay your visits to whoever and begin what you always claimed you’ve done anyway. To think…..I’ve offered to hurt people that have hurt you. Now, I’m gonna hurt myself
because…..I’ve, hurt you. What a silly story. It’s 3:30, i’m gonna drive into nyc and see what I could do to relieve stress……getting myself beat up might feel good. I’m…..alone now. You’ve robbed me, and someone, put me back in jail. I’m tired of hearing your side. My side is real……and the blood on my knuckles…..is real. You have no idea….what I’d do,and was planning on doing….for us. Smashed it all.
No need to respond……I just wanted to write what…..i’m entitled to.
Your friend until death or worse,
email from me
you’ve gone off on some amazing tangents of belief.
Your website is safe and nothing was/is going to happen to it. If you prefer to not be dependent on my ability to keep up and pay for the server and such, i can move your site to it’s own server that you can pay for independantly, and remove you from being involved with the payments for all of my stuff. It should be safe from viruses and such now that I’ve gotten rid of that open window on my server, and I can write out the ways for you to update wordpress when needed so it’s secure and safe from attack.
I am, of course, still at your disposal to maintain and work on your site as needed, but you may not want me involved in that capacity.
Regarding everything else, I can only say:
there is nobody to blame, and nobody is at fault…
I’m on 2.5 hours of sleep for the second day in a row, I have to hop in the shower now for my photo thing… and I’ll be home by around 8. My Aunt will be gone.
Come by, if you’ve the time, and are so inclined.