February 12th, 2010
Email to Stefan
[ excerpt ]
Look.
You told me you were honest with me. You told me you shared with me everything you were capable of sharing with a person. I built my relationship with you based on what I was aware of, and I thought I was aware of everything relevant. My feelings grew based on thinking I knew what was going on. You having close and intimate relationships with other women has a huge effect on that. You concealed that from me. You slept with me without protection while being with other women, which put my health at risk. You didn’t tell me any of this when I offered you my heart, and continued to be physical with me, after I told you that would wreck me.
You didn’t let me know what was going on. That was a rather KEY element in me building and developing a perception of what we were to each other. And is KEY in my feeling as betrayed as I do now.
Those are big betrayals. That’s significant deception.
I said I wanted to leave the country. I wasn’t affectionate. I had a sexual past you were wary of. I didn’t want you to beat up an asshole who attacked me. I didn’t communicate myself properly. I wrote too much and kissed too little. I expose large parts of my life online. Fine. Those might all be valid reasons for not wanting me the way I wanted you. I’m sure there are more. That much, yes, I’ll agree that it was down the middle. I am a broken, sickly, lonely, crazy, manic depressive woman with a grim future who can’t manage to take care of herself. You are probably right to want to avoid the noose of a romance with me.
But nothing can justify or explain the deception. You should have been up front with me.
The truth is in the flesh?
From my perspective, i’d first tried to kiss you, and you turned from it… in every step of our physical or social interaction, I tried, and you were apprehensive…. in each phase of our sharing of bodies, it ended up being YOUR call when and how it happened. you had the lead. I didn’t want to push. I knew you were wary of being close to people.
I’ve never been good at being physically affectionate outside of sex. It is one of the problems I’ve always HAD in relationships. I’d thought I’d explained that to you. It’s difficult for me. And the more someone means to me, the more immense it becomes. I thought we were both a bit scared. I thought we were both unsure how to approach one another. I thought we were BOTH a bit awkward when it comes to initiating closeness, especially with how important we already were to each other. I thought it was a big deal, a significant step. The more I cared for you, the more difficult it was for me to show you affection outside of the bedroom. It MEANT so much more than it ever had with anyone else. That’s why, after years, I still asked you if I could kiss you. Because the physical WAS how I showed you how I cared, and I cared so very much. So much it scared me. So much I had to ask, because I didn’t know how.
I wrote to you my heart-pictures letter, explained how I cared for you, and said that I’d kiss you when next I saw you, while not in pajamas. I was going to try. I was going to kiss you at the door when you arrived, or in your car. But…. you didn’t respond kindly to that letter. I didn’t think you WANTED that kind of affection after that.
I guess you didn’t. I guess I should have payed attention.
In the real physical world, you didn’t care to share me with the people that matter to you, the people you care about, the people who are important or meaningful. You didn’t invite me into your world.
I guess I should have listened to what that told me, too.
Regarding <abusive man>… Do you really think I told you that just to get you angry and gauge a reaction? Do you really think I work that way? I told you because it was a part of my life. What it should tell you is that I already hate myself for getting into that situation, and I’d hate myself more to possibly risk you getting hurt or arrested by attacking him on HIS turf. If i’d had any idea of where to find him where he WASN’t working as a bouncer at a bar-full of his biggest fans who I feared would all leap on you, or hold you down while they called the cops, I WOULD HAVE EAGERLY TOLD YOU, AND JOINED YOU FOR THE RIDE. To me, the idea that you were so willing to defend me was impressive and as significant as the act in itself, not a TEST. But by all means, if you still care at all, and if this would do ANYTHING to settle or alleviate some long standing frustrations, or if you just ever want someone to take out some aggression on:
HERE is what he looks like, only fatter: link
if he isn’t working at the door of VasMay Lounge (on Houston), he’d be sitting at the bar. If not there, ask. they’d probably know where to look. Try CakeShop around the corner. I hope he bleeds. Take his camera as a trophy, and get yourself a DSLR, if he’s still got it. Enjoy.
if what I’d said to you about <abusive man> in those first few months was so offensive, if it so limited the scope of what you’d ever be able to share with me, if it made you think so little of me, if THAT from those early days is what has stuck in your mind all these years….. I wish you bothered to let me in on that fact. I wish you just left me then.
It would have spared a lot of hurt.
I don’t hate you. Like I said, if I hated you, this wouldn’t hurt. I have a handful of maybe 5 people I converse with online. I only talk about you insofar as explaining my own perspective and current predicament. Most of my online people know you as the person with whom I’ve actually appeared HAPPY in my photographs, which is a rarity.
I know my demeanor hasn’t been consistent. Neither has yours. However, my core beliefs and emotions have remained constant.
I’m profoundly hurt.
I care for you, I miss you, and it kills me inside.
I would do anything for things to be ok between us, and I don’t know how.
I never EVER cared about someone this much.
I cannot bear to be near you if I’m to assume you are with other women. The pain is too great.
I love you, and always will.
The words between us have only been as biting as they have been, because of how very important we’ve been to one another.
I deeply want to be able to TRUST you again. I want to not have a broken heart. I want to not feel like i’m dying. I want to not think that the one person who was the best friend I ever had would keep such important things from me, and have hurt me this terribly.
I know I can’t go back to the way things were as friends, even if that were possible. Maybe, given a few years to heal, I could be your non-romantic friend. But not now, and not anytime soon.
I would really like selective amnesia like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and forget everything I ever knew about you, and get to try again.
as terrible as things are, and as ridiculous and unwise as this is…
If you ever were willing to really be with me, if you’d ever feel one person could fill your want, if you actually wanted to share with me the honesty I thought you had been all along… if ever you wanted to share affectionate moments with me…. wanted to kiss outside… wanted to have a romance… wanted to start over… learn each other… and how to trust each other all over again…
I would.
I would try.
I know that will never happen.
Email from Stefan
I read this, and…I agree with a good portion of it. I am, obviously at odds with a protruding chunk of it as well. I, woke up on no sleep and went to see if i could investigate some galleries for potential exhibitions. Of course, I read the site wrong and most of the building’s galleries were closed. There was a opening for some abstract bullshit, so I walked around (after a brief attention grabbing argument with the desk man), just to justify driving in. Artsy schmucks with fur coats were talking to me about nothing, so i left. Maybe i’ll try again on monday. Anyway, I know…this is pointless stuff.
My point is, I have to gather some thoughts to respond to this right. There are a few things you really, need to know. It’s not just that <abusive man> thing that set the stage for me thinking you were not interested in my intervention of the entirety of your life. There are, some other things. I will, definitely explain when I could sit still. I’m too shaky & angry from my failed journey to write the things this stirs up. I will though. You deserve a response, and I definitely have one.
I saw on facebook on a comment you left me way back on a image, you’d changed your default. Knowing that means you took a new picture, curiosity got me. I like that picture, a lot. I don’t know the lady, and don’t mean to sound like I’m critiquing, but, you should be in front. You look really attractive. I know,i know,…if you were in front…then the wine would be canceled by the color…and you’d need to tilt forward a bit, et cetera. I obviously have a bit more to say about it aesthetically, but I could only view it at like, two inches, so, i’ll shut up. Whatever I think, it’s a really nice picture. That’s my opinion on that. I’m sorry, I’m really rambling, and my stomach is furious with me. I should go out and feed it. Which I will…now.
I will write to you what I think are a few more things…you’re really, really, forgetting. I’m just surprised what you leave out, (or, to be fair to you…what you don’t think about), considering how much thought you put into this. I need to calm down a bit before I could respond( a practice I’m trying to permanently employ ). I guess, apparently, I still care.
It’s difficult trying to gauge how you feel about me letter to letter. As it is for me, trying to determine if it’s even worth it to write. Or if it’ll even be read. I don’t like any of this, and I hope whether tomorrow, or in ten years, there’s not just a tennis game of insults still going on. Bye for now, I need to eat so I could attempt to be creative. Also…I, wait…no. I have to stop writing nonsense. I’ll write again soon. I hope you read it.
Now, what I wanted to say was…
…again, I agree with lots of what you wrote. I know you’re not affectionate in public, and you did always tell me that. And, that it was an issue for you in past relationships. I agree with that totally. It’s been an issue for me too. The last “girlfriend” I ever had, was a two year relationship. I never once, ever…exchanged an “I love you”. Not in person, on the phone, or in a letter, and we never talked about that. She wrote it once, but in a piece of writing that was about me, that wasn’t for me. So, I never really found use for that word. I just, don’t know what it is, I always feel like it’s…cheap. That’s not to say that it is cheap though. I don’t even think of that word. I think about intensions, actions, constructing of things. Drawings, writings, ideas. These things speak louder than any three word combo on the planet.
I…need you to understand this though. It’s, very important. It’s also, a key part of understanding how I feel, and felt. Since I’ve known you.
When we first started hanging out for extended periods of time, and I would spends days on end by you, I wasn’t looking at your myspace, facebook, and such daily. I remeber one time specifically, we had a great couple days, (as we usually did) full of meat, tens unit play, picture taking, movies, drawing, and lots of long talks. I remember, spending money I didn’t really have to spend but telling myself, there’s no better way to spend money than with a friend of this rare breed. Maybe the only type of friend, of this sort…in existence. Then, after four days of hyper fun, I drove home. One hour. Then, I hopped on the computer to send you a link to something I remembered. You’re status read something like, “I’m dead, alone, and fading”. You had just wrote it. This happened a few times, and didn’t seem to subside. It made me very uneasy. Obviously, because you weren’t feeling stable, or generally good. Though, it made me really uneasy. I remember feeling like I should put some serious thought into how it all goes away in an instant. Hours and hours of connecting with a human that makes you feel like you’re not crazy, alone, or judged. Then, to go home and see, it’s not only as if it never happened, but that it seemed you were even worse. I thought, a lot…and could only come up with, you were happy, and genuine when you were with me. There was no faking involved. Yet, it’s as if I don’t exist in your life, and thoroughly displayed to others, when I’m not around. I saw this as a open door for others to step in when I wasn’t there. I said to myself, “well…sometimes it seems like that, and sometimes it doesn’t. To be safe, I’m not banking on inconsistency. No matter what she tells me. She may really care, when I’m with her. Though, why would she wave a red flag at others, as if no one is brightening her day. This, made me think that you could have had other people in and out of your life. I didn’t think they’d be placed next to me, or above me. For I knew, how much I cared and gave, but…Rachael. I really, wondered, but felt good, and respectful, not to ask. Which is exactly why, I didn’t. You, think I didn’t want to inquire? You know, and said it yourself. You shared with me, quite a roster of unconventional activities, lifestyles, tales of revenge, and turmoil, that any realist would think anything is capable, of happening whether I’d like to think of it or not. I did the best thing I could think of. I got somewhat upset when you offered up information, but I never grabbed my bookbag and said, “you make me sick”, and walked out the door. I never lessened my generosity. Most of all, I never stopped caring about you. Things you’ve said made me upset, and at times a little turned off, and even a little wary of how credible your stories are, but…I never stopped anything. I reacted when you told me things. I never pried. I never asked you things I thought were not my place to ask, or my business. Partly because, how would I know, they were true. How do I? There is no way to know.
Now, the things i’m not touching on are things I don’t agree with at all. Things are not as you think Rachael. You have LOTS, of things wrong, and maybe sometimes forget there are two very, different sides to this story. You just have some things wrong, in my opinion. We’ll butt heads till the end of days of some of this stuff. The issue of trust, is something that is a bit more multi dimensional than you make it out to be. There are handfuls of examples I could give to all the above topics. This isn’t all coffee talk for me. There are lots of big issues and examples you don’t..sigh. Certainly, you don’t understand what gets to me.
The <abusive man> thing. I remember where he worked/s and what he looks like. You think I forgot? Of course not. You think I didn’t consider taking a drive one night to send a message on your behalf without you knowing? I don’t need to knock his teeth out. I wanted to for you. Or at least do whatever he did to you. I know this is a dead issue. But, I would’ve moved through him like a hot knife through butter, if you wanted me to. I don’t want to do it, for myself. Like I said, I know I could get hurt,( if it were a bunch of them ), and I know, that you know I’m not afraid of pain, or any other human, so…it’s not really flattery I guess. I just thought justice needed to be done. I could never imagine someone hitting you. So, I didn’t think it should be tolerated. Anyway, I could write a lot about that. we’ve said all we could on that topic. I did fill you in on this. Don’t pretend we didn’t talk a lot about this and write quite a bit about it. You wish I “left you then”…is, really a bit much. That wouldn’t be worth, throwing out anything for.
As far as all of your last statements go. Well, they’re so confusing to me.
You say I hurt you terribly, you wish I didn’t kill you so, I stabbed your heart, and bludgeoned your soul, but…then you say, you love me. That…is really, the way to ensure fucking someones head up. I’m sure yours is not on straight, but how could mine be. Why do you think I’m just miserable, and gruff all day? I don’t know what to believe either. Sometimes, I’m very callous and don’t care about these issues, because it gets me nowhere. I think how, you just…use key words and nail them into me. Then, I feel terrible, ( which is the point of the words ),then I get mad at you, like I am now. (I know you don’t care, and you only think I should be mad at myself, please, don’t explain that again, I promise, that’s loud and clear )Then, write myself into nonsense…and I just want to…leave it all, and draw, like…i’m gonna do now.
As far as your very last statements go, I can’t touch that right now. I’ll assume you’ll write something that rips that statement away soon. You know I have good reason to think that. I’m never sure what you’ll stick to meaning, email to email. Another reason, I try to not get caught up in it.
Yes, I know you’re hurt. There is no clearer message than that. That I am the cause, is my wake up alarm, my dinner bell, and my mental soundtrack ensuring tossing and turning when I lay down to sleep some days. . I feel bad, a lot. For things being the way they are, for generally not liking myself, and for knowing that the things I try to approach realistically, usually hurts me and others. I really, despise the entirety of what I am. This has been a loss that can’t be forgotten. What hurts most is, certain words you choose to use to describe me. I can’t even type some of them, it’ll anger me and take me off course. So, i’m gonna go on to my conclusion.
I’m sure I’ve written a lot of garbage just now, and could have explained some things better. I’ve written enough to say, I’ve put some thought into this. I’m taking a brain break. Or, trying. I’m gonna hide now, and smoke in bed. Which, I shouldn’t do…but, I feel like it. I feel my face getting tighter.
Email to Stefan
It’s not just a matter of my being affectionate in public. It’s being affectionate period.
I’m… I’ve been in a sad and lonely place for a really long time, now. When you’d come to visit me, you’d brighten my world. When you’d leave, it would darken again. Your presence stayed with me, and kept things from getting as dark as they would have been otherwise, but… sometimes, the light you’d bring would end up making the dark seem almost darker in your absence. It’s an unfair position for you to be in. You’ve been the one and only thing I’ve had to look forward to, the one shining thing in my life. The single thing that had kept me going. Maybe it’s… that whole “give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime” of whatever that quote is. I’m not saying… you could have taught me to fish. In fact, you probably DID, as much as my life could be taught to produce anything. But really, you’d come by, and you’d feed my soul. And I would’t have anything when you left. Again… the thoughts of our time are what kept me from utter dispair when you weren’t about. But I’ve got a whole lot of dispair. The moment I’m not being distracted or engaged…. in creeps back in.
your take on my life… makes me sad. it’s almost as if you read the stats, but missed the content. You never wanted the details, and recoiled from tales of my past, so you only got the cliffnotes. It doesn’t give the same story, or reveal the same person underneath. No, you never left, you never stopped caring. But you thought less of me. Thought me utterly untrustworthy. You thought me incapable of…
i appreciate your words. i appreciate you explaining this. i am glad to have some idea of what your perspective has been for so long. but everything you’ve said explains why you didn’t think I had the emotions and intentions and complete and utter devotion to you that I posses. Everything explains why, for a long time, we weren’t seeing eye to eye.
Nothing you’ve said explains the actions that I’ve felt so betrayed by. Nothing you’ve said explains why you’d tell me again and again that if a person could know it, that person would be me, when that wasn’t true. Nothing explains why, when I made it clear that I didn’t think you’d possibly be with anyone else at this point in our companionship, that it took you months to tell me to “assume that you were”, and slept with me in the meantime.
How do you know if what I said was the truth?! Why would I lie?
It’s really sad. You didn’t think I could be honest with you about the content of my life. And I assumed you were being utterly honest with me about yours.
I don’t want to write anymore.
My stance is the same as it has been for months. My tone has changed, and I’ve had moments of lashing out in frustration and anger, but …. I’ve not once said I didn’t care about you. I may have said I couldn’t care about certain aspects, but I’ve NEVER said that I didn’t still feel …. the way i feel about you.
I can’t keep this up.
If you ever want to try… let me know. I will try harder than i’ve ever tried at anything in my life.
But I can’t go back.
if you ever think you could… well….
if so, give me a call.
I don’t imagine you will.
I still couldn’t walk away. We continued to see each other, communicate, write.