July 1st 2010
email to Stefan
I find it treacherous ground I tread. On one hand, you’ve told me to do something monumental and just tell you how I feel without speaking for you, and have been annoyed that I’d try to say what you are feeling. On the other hand, you’ve told me that I only want to tell my side, and not consider yours.
But there’s some stuff I’d like to clear up. I’m only mentioning the things I’m mentioning in response to some things you’ve said, and realising that I may not have explained myself as well as I should have. I hope I don’t repeat myself with things I’d said previously, but I know some of these things… are issues we’ve discussed. But if I am bringing up things I’ve said before, it’s because I’m trying to explain myself better.
I think… maybe you don’t understand why… and how… I ended up upset in the first place, and unable to continue as we had been., and distanced myself.
You… are a very guarded person. You are not a very physical person with others. With me, someone with whom I’d thought you were closest with, you shy away from physical contact often, and don’t respond. It is only in the quiet moments when we are utterly alone, enclosed in a dark room, when we touch. The times I’d tried to initiate some degree of physical contact outside of that environment, it wasn’t met by… acceptance or reciprocation. I hadn’t been trying to CHANGE you in that way. But I had tried to… open the door to that, because I know I’m a rather unphsyical person myself, and perhaps hard to approach. And you never reciprocated.
That’s fine. That’s the way you are.
But for you to be intimate with someone… That’s significant. For you to have someone in your life with whom you feel comfortable to be physical, that’s … someone of importance. This is why… the notion that you’d been with someone else caught me SO ENTIRELY off guard. There was no person you’d ever mentioned to me that you hung out socially with any regularity, or of interest.
To me, you seemed to have established yourself as someone who did not take part in casual hooking up with others. From the ways you’d spoken to me of things in my past, and of the lives of others, I thought that to causally be with someone else was something you simply wouldn’t take part in.
It’s not the fact that you slept with someone else that upset me. I mean, it did, but… It’s…
You’d not even mentioned her more than twice. I thought… that the way we were with each other… that we’d tell each other of the important goings on of our lives. You had a friend in your life, someone for a number of years, someone that you sometimes hung out with instead of me, and I hardly knew she existed.
Since I thought you DON’T casually hook up with people, the fact that she was someone you’d find comfortable enough to sleep with… but never even mentioned her to me… When I thought I was your best friend, and the most important person to you… when even me, you seemed withdrawn…. I can’t understand how something like that even happened. It really is the most befuddling thing about all of this to me. I can’t imagine how it physically occurred.
it really made me question everything about our bond. That you’d have someone close to you and not even mention her to me. That maybe I’m just not sexually attractive to you. That maybe you tell her the same things you tell me. Maybe she has pictures of the two of you together that you tell her to take down from Facebook, too.
Maybe if I understood the circumstances.
Maybe if I understood why. Maybe if I understood the sort of relationship you have. Maybe if you explained to me why you’d have her over instead of me. Keep an entire friendship from me. Be with someone else, while we were talking on a daily basis. Maybe if I understood something about how you interact, or what you like about her. Maybe I’d not feel so slighted.
But I did.
The bond that you have with her is clearly something very important to her. She draws pictures of you. Together. Y’know, sort of like I do. She comments publicly on photographs of you about how handsome you are (some of which that I took, some of which had me in them, and that certainly stings). She went so far as to try and reach out to me, and told ME about how important you were to her. It’s not the fact that she posts these publicly online that bothers me. You can tell her to take them down all you like. Her taking that down doesn’t change what it’s POINTING to. what it’s INDICATING. And this from someone who was mostly kept secret from me.
She fawns over you. Maybe she doesn’t mean as much to you as you do to her. But… if I’d at least HEARD of her as being someone in your life…. I mean, you’d mentioned <random chick>. I even met the woman. I did think, at that point, that there was a possibility that you had something going on with her. I didn’t ask specifics. But since I knew she existed, I knew you enjoyed her company, I knew you were hanging out with each other. I knew there was a possibility. I didn’t expect you to come out and tell me if you slept with her exactly, because I know you are private with that sort of thing. But I did think it’d have been… alluded to. That set the precedent to me. You openly told me about her, and I’d had an idea of what was going on. Since then, there was no other talk of a woman you were seeing on a regular basis, so I didn’t think there was one, and I thought we continued to grow closer.
This with <your friend’s cousin> was different. This was kept from me. But you still talked to her online while you were at my house. You did so often, and never EVER mentioned who it was that you’d IM with so much. You still drew pictures for her at my house. And yet, mentioned her but twice.
THAT is where the real hurt comes from. That you didn’t let me know, and if I’d had SOME indication, I’d not have been so blindsided and crushed. The wonder and the confusion from my perspective. It’s hard not to look at those facts and see a situation of being purposely kept in the dark about things currently happening with someone of some significance. That is what made me question what I could possibly be to you. What our relationship even was.
But.
Even after finding you were with someone else. Even then. Even when I was hurt, and feeling betrayed and that large pieces of things that were CURRENTLY going on were concealed from me… even then. Even in the midst of all the terrible things we were saying to each other. Even when what I thought was going on between us wasn’t what it was at all… even then. I still wanted to be with you. Even then, if you’d said at any moment that you’d want to be with just me…. that you cared for me in ways that were romantic… that you wanted to be with me… I’d have leapt at the chance. There was no point at which you didn’t remain my favorite person.
(Again. I understand that you DID NOT do this to hurt me, and DID NOT think you were doing anything wrong. I am not saying all this to lay blame. I’m just trying to explain why and how things ended up as they did.)
The chance to be with you in that way is something that I would cast aside all the hurt and mistrust for. The chance to be with you… the idea that we could want each other and be the team I thought we’d been slowly inching towards…. that was something I’d put aside everything negative that happened between us, accept that it happened, and put it in a box called The Past… and continue on to a new chapter we could share called The Present: Now with EXTRA HONESTY, OPENNESS and ENJOYMENT!
We work so well together.
The only reason we’d ever had issues was when the way we felt about each other, and what we thought we were to each other wasn’t expressed clearly. I just can’t see how we’d have any problems if we knew what we were to each other, and that it was THE SAME as each other.
I can’t… I can’t take away what happened. I can’t take away what has hurt you. I can’t make you understand that I fooled around with someone that I was no longer enamoured of (and look back and think “why was I ever?!”), someone I’d never been physically attracted to, but someone who is an old friend, someone who I was comfortable with, someone that understood that I was emotionally destroyed and just wanted the comfort of touching someone else in an attempt to start to get over my heartache of being rejected from you: the person I cared more for than anyone I’d ever cared about, and gave everything I had to. I knew he’d be ok with fooling around not just for sex’s sake, but not for romance either – but as old friends.
However, even fooling around just as friends ended up making me feel empty.
I asked you to go to <Vermont friend>’s wedding because I thought… that if you questioned my devotion to you, that perhaps a by bringing you to this event, arriving with me by your side, that I’d get to show you that YOU are the one. You are the person I want. That by bringing you with me perhaps it’d scream out how inconsequential he is to me, how silly you’d even compare yourself to him, and that you were what’s important to me. I thought that maybe by seeing him, it’d help to close the issue. I thought maybe you could see him as just an old friend of mine, because that’s all that I see him as. I thought it’d be better for your brain if I brought you along, than for me to go to the wedding by myself, and you thinking about me seeing him there.
I honestly don’t understand how you feel personally slighted by him. I understand not liking the guy, sure. But… I asked if you would be with me, and you rejected me. I offered myself to you, and you didn’t want me. You were the cause of my hurt. I wouldn’t expect any of your friends to consider me in thier interactions with you. Having only your interests in mind is what would make him/her a good friend to you. And even if he DID condsider you… I offered myself to you, and you didn’t WANT me. I don’t suppose I ever will understand. I wish I could.
Even moreso, I don’t understand why you’d even bother to compare yourself to him. Even when I was interested in him, even at the hieght of that, I still didn’t find him impressive, or physically attractive, or fascinating. Even then, I didn’t really understand it. In his life right now he is a bit lost, a bit messy, a bit wierder than he used to be. Why would you compare yourself to someone that I was interested in over ten years ago for reasons that are, at best, not because I chose him but because we were thrown together? Why would you compare yourself to someone I was interested in when I was drunk or stoned or otherwise high every day? Why would you compare yourself to someone that I saw but twice in seven years, and didn’t bat an eye? Why would you compare yourself to someone that I turned to only in desperation after being rejected by you and feeling lower than I have ever felt? Why would you compare yourself to someone that I have no desire to be romantic with; nor to ever be sexual with ever again, nor even have in my life as a friend of regularity?
You are what I always wanted. You are my physical ideal. You are endlessly interesting, your mind constantly churning and challenging my own. You are driven and impressive. You make me feel like a good person. You make me want to try. You are the first person I want to speak to whenever something happens. You are the only person I’ve never gotten sick of. You are the only person who ever fully posessed me and quieted my chattering head during intimate moments. Your company is the person’s I crave. You fascinate me. You not being in my life has created a huge gaping void that makes me cry and want harder than I ever have. The lack of you gives me feelings of withdrawal, and I vomited when I could make myself eat during those dark months. You are the person that I want to be with.
I fully accept that I will not EVER find anyone that could compare to you. In my mind, you are IT. Everything aside from you is going to pale in comparison. I don’t want to BE with him. I didn’t think I’d ever want to be with anybody. In the past 8 years, I’ve not wanted to be partnered with ANYONE, and had kept the few possible suitors at a distance. YOU are the one person that I want. Why compare yourself to anything else? You can’t. You are in your own category.
Should I be comparing myself to <your friend’s cousin> in the same way? That won’t get us anywhere.
I don’t know anything about the circumstances between the two of you. Nothing. It puts me in a very VERY insecure place. I wonder about it constantly, and every time you mention specifics of <Vermont friend’s brother>, my complete ignorance of you and <your friend’s cousin> rips apart my brain. Every time you cut me down with words about what “turned me on”, it takes everything in me to not ask, not say something. But if we were really WITH each other, it wouldn’t matter anymore. Why would that matter now, if you and I were an open and an unbeatable team of awesome? I’d rather meet her and get to know her so I could understand what you find appealing. I’d probably like her. I like what little I have interacted with her thus far.
I’m sorry that it hurt you so much that I kissed you before telling you about <Vermont friend’s brother>. I really honestly thought …. I mean, you’d made it so very clear that we were not exclusive, did not WANT to be exclusive, and that I should have no reason to THINK we were exclusive… that being with someone else didn’t effect the way you thought of me… I really didn’t think it would be as much of an issue to you as it has become. I really really thought that… well… you had the attitude that what we did when apart was our own business, and we had no commitment to each other, because we’d never said anything to each other about that. I mean, I didn’t think you’d be happy about it, but I really didn’t think this would wound you so much. I can’t apologise enough.
As far as the timing… as far as me kissing you before telling you… well. I clearly wasn’t thinking and wasn’t seeing things the same way you were. You did leave that first night saying that we still had a lot to talk about. I saw it as things weren’t finalized. I told you about <the ex> within a week’s time of us talking again. I’m sorry it took me that long, and I’m sorry that I kissed you first. I did know that I had to tell you while we were still sorting things out, and I thought we were still IN that process. I’m really sorry it threw you. I often wish I’d not told you… but I just couldn’t have not told you. That would have been wrong.
But all of this.
Again, all of this doesn’t matter. Everything I wrote. It doesn’t matter. Who did what worse. I didn’t go into detail to make you feel like shit, or to blame you. I’ve been trying to explain why and where so that maybe you can have the information you need to understand. To heal.
I’ll take the blame. That’s fine. You can tell me all sorts of reasons why you are hurt and why I did something terrible, and how much worse I am, and I’ll accept that. I’ll pay attention, and try to learn. If that’s how you see it, then that’s how it is.
If you can explain to me what hurt you and why without the low jabs and cutting comments, I’d really really like to talk and understand.
If you can accept that nothing I say to you is to get a rise out of you, or to upset you, or to hurt you, then maybe we could speak.
I accept that what happened is what happened. If you told me you wanted me, that you wanted to be with me, then why should any of that past matter to me?
But while in limbo. While I don’t know what I am to you, nor what anyone else is to you…. everything eats me inside. That’s the one thing I can’t do. I thought I knew what we were, but I didn’t. I was wrong. And ever since that fact has come to light, I’ve been a mess.
If how we felt about each other wasn’t a secret. If you wanted me. If we were partners. If you said we were romantic and sexual that that you weren’t interested or engaged with anyone else, I’d beleive you. I’d beleive you and trust you and would never doubt and never wonder. But unless I know that, I can’t keep being this close to you. It puts me in a panic. And now I’m starting to grow a shell.
(I think of us as being “partners” in the queer sense of the word, too. Because I really don’t think of things with us as ever being something like girlfriend/boyfriend. I think that’s too gender specific, and implies things like him buying flowers as gifts and giving her money to get her hair done.)
Our last hanging out has really messed with my head. Hoping and waiting, and then … not a kiss, not a sign of affection…. but once again, sex in pajamas. and then nothing but coldness the next night… and then a kiss I needed to ask for that needed to be prefaced with warning. That makes me feel rather like I’m a friend you like to fuck sometimes. That’s not something I can be with you. Touching you means too much to me. If ever we end up ok with each other again, if you touch me, you better mean it. Because it means everything to me. The idea that you slept with me for the first time in eight months, but then wasn’t sure about kissing me goodbye…. it makes me cry.
I want you. I want to be with you, and nobody else. I want to be part of each other.
At this point, I have to assume that you probably don’t want that. Please tell me if I am wrong.
Or maybe… maybe you do want that, but you are so afraid of being that kind of close to someone that the closer it looms, the more you instinctively cling to every reason feasible to barricade you against it. You can judge me by my past, grow suspicious of old photographs, you can bring up my past relationships, you can tell me how I said I’d wanted to move overseas, you can not trust me because of my online things, you can be filled with raging inner-self question based on my fooling around with someone you can’t understand. I don’t think you want to do any of that. I don’t think you want to have these negative thoughts filling your brain.
But I think…. maybe…. you are too afraid to be really with someone, and you can’t help but hold tight every terrible notion your brain can come up with. If that’s the case, I’m sorry, and that sounds like an awful thing to be dealing with.
Or maybe I’m completely wrong.
Regardless …. if the harm and offense that I caused you is too severe for you to let go, which is certainly seems to be, then… then I’ve clearly ruined things beyond repair. Much as we enjoy each other, if what I’ve done to you is going to always remain between us and keep us frozen in this position, then we will only end up hurting each other forever.
I wish things had worked out between us. I hope that this letter maybe cleared up some issues that you’d had trouble with, and maybe you can figure some things out that had been bothering you.