September 24th 2013
email from me
I hope you are doing well.
I’m not.
Certain things are doing well, there’s possible awesome things in my future, but that’s the problem when the the problem is inside yourself. The outer world can be doing kind of alright and in your favor, but the inner broken mind and body can ruin the best of times.
Just saying hello and letting you know that I think of you often, especially these brisk autumn times. I miss the days when we helped each other in life.
September 29th 2013
email from me
Why you should move to the city…
The people that I run into and chat with at friend gatherings at bars are: Jackson Publick of Venture Brothers, animators for various shows on Cartoon Network, working comic book artists who do stuff for DC, Marvel, Image, etc…. film makers who have endorsements from famous people, etc etc etc.
<Boyfriend> is renting studio space where many of these fellows work every day. By doing so he will end up getting work that they don’t want, or are too booked to take. That is how it works.
Nobody is searching through the internet looking for a great artist.
You should really really really move to the city. You know how to be charming when you have to be.
Here is an example: http://elizagauger.com/cv Look at her CV. Scroll to the bottom and see her personal recommendations.
Now go and look at her art. Is she a better artist than you? No.
You need to get not only your ART out into the world more (than just instagram and a show of paintings once every three years), but you need to get YOURSELF out in the world more. And by the world, I mean the city that is where 90% of the networking of artists is done on the East Coast.
You deserve a greater audience. Come to NYC and get what you deserve.
email from Stefan
Yeah, you’re absolutely right. Which is why my internet presence concern is non existent at the moment and I’ve been creating content for three different projects I plan to pitch. I will have “stuff” when I need to. Besides the need to work and create whether I end up in prominent galleries or selling used batteries out of a cigar box in Camden.
I’ll take a look at this lady’s art when I get in. My phone battery drains when I browse these days.
email from me
Hmmmm.
I don’t really understand what you mean, especially by this:
I will have “stuff” when I need to. Besides the need to work and create whether I end up in prominent galleries or selling used batteries out of a cigar box in Camden.
You still need an internet presence. You need a portfolio to direct people to when you meet them in the real world. Not having a website is… not professional. It makes you look rather unprepared for any work that is considering coming your way. But you HAVE the work. You’ve DONE it. You should make it available to those who want to see it, and then go out in the world and make people want to see it.
I’m watching people who are half as talented as you get ahead out here just by being where the stuff is happening and having a good looking business card and website.
email from Stefan
“Stuff’ just means having content. Lots of it. And, I need to see new stuff from myself. And…I’ve been directing a few people to my blog, jux article,yahoo article, and reviews that pop up that I still discover myself. It’s gotten me some offers that are really cool that I hope work out. But of course it’s getting boring and I new fresh content. It’s not at all that I don’t think an internet presence is important. That would be stupid of me. It’s that, at the moment…I’m sorting things out in my life….and rather than not do anything at all…I’m making sure I’m still creating. I don’t know for sure what kind of site I want right now. I’ll figure that out soon.
I hope you don’t think I don’t realize better exposure is a good idea. I haven’t decided what I want to show. I want to display myself in certain way. And until I figure out exactly how I want that done…I’m not making a site. I don’t just want to list my work….it’ll just be another blog. And I’ve been asked to work on a graphic novel recently, and a film producer has approached me to work on set design…and they all say the same thing when I tell them I’m not professional,. ”It doesn’t matter….it never does. The only thing that we look at is talent and content”.
Obviously I’d be getting more offers if I had more exposure.
I don’t know….there are a shit load of personal issues I’m scrambling to get squared away so I can get shit done. You know as well as I do, life shit, sleeplessness, and pain can be a bit of a hurdle in the race to your potential.
I agree with everything you’re saying….but you I aware.
And, although I’ll probably move to the city eventually if the reason is good, if I get my settlement….I’ll be moving to new york immediately.
And by the camden battery salesman thing….I just mean…my brain is seldom on success….I really do care most, that I’m drawing, and making things. And I do that. I’ve been paying my way and taking care of myself for a decade on art solely before the assistance….I know how to sell myself enough to get by…and I would love a opportunity to feel what it’s like to do better than just getting by with art, I still care most that I know I draw and make things because it’s what I can’t help but to do, regardless of where I am….or where I end up. Success or flop.
email from me
Yeah, I get it.
But honestly? You’ve been saying shit like that for…. almost as long as I’ve known you. You didn’t put a painting section up on that website I made you because you didn’t know exactly what you wanted. You stopped updating your website for the same reason.
You are a good artist. That means you have self doubt. That means you don’t like your work, and aren’t that proud of it. You never WILL be. That’s how good artists are. That moment when you love your work and want to show it to the world isn’t going to happen. And while you try to perfect it and make something you want to show people, many many many years are going by and countless opportunities are passing you by. You could throw yourself out there without having a distinct path for yourself, and end up getting wonderful opportunity. You could end up making far more money per client, or by the hour, and get to spend far less time doing art to feed yourself, and far more time making the art you WANT to make. That’s part of what opportunity means. MORE money from less crap work, and MORE time as you want to spend it.
You deserve to be living far better than you are.
I get the whole thing about not knowing what direction you want your art to go in. But that’s why I made myself a corporate friendly work site for the time being, just so I have SOMETHING out there, and something that is just to attract work so I can at least have something to show others.
In other news, earlier today I had to tell off someone on facebook who decided to suggest that my problems were just scoliosis with pain from taking too many painkillers. Meanwhile, I should be at WFMU on the air right now, but was in too much pain to make it out there. Fuck.
Well, if I offended you, I apologise, such was not my intent.
I just hate seeing lesser artists succeed and reap the rewards of an easy life with far more money and notoriety and free time than you.
Yes, it IS a bit harder to make it in NYC than it is in NJ. But the rewards are so much greater for someone who is in the creative fields. If you were living on a mountain in Montana, then yeah, I’d get it. You are creating, who cares. But you are living in highway-craptown NJ. It’s nearly as expensive as it is in the city, only without the chance cultural meetings and run-ins. You are working your ass off constantly. Why not do it where people can SEE you doing it? Where you can be tattooing people who don’t just want tacky saints and crosses and dirty jersey crap, and charging twice as much while you do it?
Whatever. I think I just get frustrated because I can’t push myself, I can’t do what you do, I am never going to get to, I don’t have an artistic future really, and my timeline is limited. I want to see you succeed LIKE YOU DESERVE.
Weather is nice these days. I hope you got yourself a nice car and your ankle is doing well.
October 3rd 2013
email from me
Um.
Thought maybe you’d want to know… This was brought up as a possibility a while ago, but it seems more likely now…. It’s really probably Ehlers Danlos Syndrome in general, but possibly (likely) the Vascular subtype. That’s not a great prognosis.
I see the Rheumatologist again next week, to go over whatever tests he ran on me. Twelve vials of blood he took. I don’t know what he tested me for exactly. Regardless, I have a connective tissue disorder, and that effects all sorts of stuff that isn’t good.
I don’t think they sent anything to get genetically sequenced? Well, if they didn’t, I’m going to save up or sell stuff so that I can get that 23andme thing and see what information I can get.
Whatever. Just… figured you should know. Because I still think about you as my best friend, though I guess I shouldn’t. And because that might be effecting my whole “DO THINGS! DO THINGS NOW!! WHILE YOU CAN!!!!” attitude, and why I keep poking at you to hang out and be friends with me.
I was freaked out about this new diagnosis that further shortened my longevity. After no response from Stefan for a week, I was terribly hurt, and wrote again.
October 11th 2013
email from me
ok, then.
I suppose I was wrong.
That’s quite a shame.
I’d really hoped we could be cool with each other. Be fabulous friends.
Oh well.
….. Bye.
email from Stefan
I wrote you an email in return. I didn’t send it cuz I was half zonked on xanax that night and I wanted to edit it a bit before I sent it. I’m obviously concerned for your health. Anyway…I just got a new (used) car. But I have to leave for Charleston in a few hours and I’m losing my shit trying to pack. And now I have to tie a garbage bag around my boot so I could shower.
I’m under no impression we’re not cool with each other. I’m going thru a messy time and just don’t know what to say to anyone right now. I’ll explain more when I can. Feel free to write to me whenever, but if you take offense to my scarce replies right now,or if you think I’ve been holding on to the same repetitious vague grim descriptions of my life right now, I don’t blame you.
I’m trying to get back to sanity. It’s taking longer than I had planned. Sorry.
email from me
Well… good luck, then.
And then two weeks of silence. I’m fairly certain this is when he posted to social media photos of himself and the other woman at a wedding, leaving me feeling once again used and discarded, like a secret confessional hidden away in the dark.
October 28th 2013
email from me
Um, look.
I’ve been really really thinking about this.
You say we are cool. I guess we’re cool.
I’m facing some potentially scary crap, and it makes a person take stock of things. The things that are important. And our friendship was one of those things. One of the most important things.
But this isn’t a friendship. Friendships are when you SHARE your lives with each other. The good and the bad. It is not when you tell someone that you’ll listen to them, not respond, and when you DO rarely respond hardly share anything yourself, and be secretive and vague.
And maybe you have good reason to not share with me. You probably do. That’s fine.
But that means we aren’t friends.
Let’s not pretend. I mean, If I saw you at a party I’d be glad to see you and say hello. But that’s not friendship.
Honestly, I’m not sure being friends would work so well anyway.
I’m really glad you have someone that you are close to, and <your friend’s cousin> certainly proved how much she was into you what with the cyber stalking me and whatnot, and I’m glad you have someone devoted to you and that you aren’t alone. I spent a lot of time worrying about you, and afraid that you’d nobody to really be honest and real with. That’s a good part of why I’d been emailing and checking up on you so often, trying to get you to meet up with me in Jersey City or something. It’s a relief to me that you have her.
All that being said, she IS the girl that you were fucking around with while we were whatever the fuck we were, and she IS the girl who’s existence you basically kept as a secret from me, and had flat out lied to me so that you could hang out with her instead of me.
I don’t have anything against her, mind you. She always seemed really nice, and she even tried to help me out with my health stuff, which I will always appreciate.
But really, I don’t think I’m that cool with being friends with you while you are still seeing the girl whose presence shattered my whole reality of what I thought was going on between us. It’s not that I want to be anything more than friends with you, I’ve quite moved on, but I’m just not up for being faced with the physical manifestation of the most heartwrenching experience of my adult life thus far; you being with her.
So… yeah….
Good luck with life stuff.
I hope you get yourself sane sometime soon.
Please treat yourself kindly, because you really do deserve it.
Enjoy each other.
Oh, and PS, I might post some Sticky Friends stuff for Halloween again, and I will, or course, credit you and have links to your tumblr/instagram.
I was obviously lying to him, and to myself.