February 8th 2014
email from me
Did your mom ever have success with the Botox? My life is being eaten away by headache, and after two other surgical procedures in the past 3 weeks, I’ve just had Botox two days ago, and I’m in fucking agony. I’m hoping the good might still kick in.
You know me. I do not say I am in fucking agony. I take my pain well. This shit is wrecking me.
email from Stefan
She had success with it for her migraines…. But it was way too expensive so she went back to pain killers that just knock her ass out on nights she can’t take it. In not sure how long it’s suppose to take to really take effect. It’s that bad huh?
In wide awake in my own pain. My tibia healed wrong. So… I’m in for a surgery and pins. In not looking forward to post op pain and another 4 months on crutches. I just switched to a cane. And a year of physical therapy. This all sucks.
email from me
I have nearly constant headache these days. I take pain well, and this shit just wrecks me. I keep trying to plow through, but I just end up tripping out on pain.
I have sleeping pills now, which have changed my world. I never realized how much I wasn’t sleeping until now. It’s AMAAAAZING. I spend less time in bed, because I actually sleep instead of just tossing about in pain because there is no comfortable position.
email from Stefan
But Im sorry you’re dealing with migraines. They really ruin your fuckin life. I hate when people say..”oh yeah…I get those really bad headaches”it’s like…. No you don’t…. understand. Migraines are life debilitating. You can’t do… Anything…. When you suffer from them.
email from me
Healed wrong why? Were you not put in that boot soon enough, or did they set it wrong? Can you drive while on crutches? And… what do they do in physical therapy? That’s fucked up. ARe you suing the dude?
It’s really true. I can’t even just lay in bed and watch a movie or something. I mean, I find it difficult to sit and watch an entire movie, but still. I keep gettin nauseated all the time, and it’s been turning me into WAY more of a pothead that I’d like to be. So I just went on some anti-nausea pill. Which really seems to work, but… fuck. Another pill. The amount of pills and supplements I take right now is insane. Thank goodness for Medicare!
(i’m in pain and a bit out of it at the moment)
email from Stefan
The surgeon said with the boot, and crutches…. It should heal properly. But alas, it didn’t. I can’t bend my foot much… And I limp horribly if I try to walk without The cane. So… Surgery it is. We were trying to avoid it. And then the physical therapy they’ll just “teach” me how to walk again. You feel like a new born. You kinda…. Forget how to walk. And yeah…. I have a huge lawsuit going against the guy who hit me. Which is good, because he admitted his fault freely in the report…. I was off the road…. And it was a senile old guy with a huge insurance policy and a brand new Mercedes.
email from me
Good. You don’t deserve to have your life changed and so much time taken away from you and your body permanently altered. This kind of stuff is life changing. Fuck that guy. Old people should have to retake that test. My Aunt was terrifying when she drove.
email from Stefan
(Writing from my phone)…. yeah… I could drive. Thank God.
I really still can’t grasp the concept that I’ll always have issues with my foot. Is been months and I Still haven’t accepted that reality yet.
email from me
I was looking for a long time to find a lawyer to sue the doctor that did my tubal ligation. I should have done more research I guess, but I knew my insurance was ending when I was living with my Aunt Mary and I figured I’d get it done since it was covered. I asked him specifically about the scar. He told me itd be below the hairline. My mom had her tubes tied when I was 5, and I never saw a scar on her. It never occurred to me that there WOULD be a scar. The dude FUCKED me up. I woke up like this: LINK
It healed al puckered in like that. It’s tethered to the flesh below. It’s really upsetting. He fucked up my bellybutton too. Maybe I can have a civil suit for emotional damages instead of malpractice.
I’m sorry. I understand. I still don’t really accept that I will always have my health issues. I use a cane these days as well. It doesn’t always make things easier to walk, but it’s fucking difficult to get a seat on the subway, so I carry it with me for visible gimp cred. Fuckers still don’t give me a seat. I hate humans.
I still imagine that I’ll get my right hand back, or my depth perception, or my ability to be a tom boy like I used to be. But I probably won’t. I think it’s putting me on the path of supervillian.
email from Stefan
My lawyer has me going after this guy for physical and emotional damages. In seeing a therapist and pretending I’m traumatized by the ordeal. He said pain and simple it adds like another fifty grand to whatever I’ll get anyway. He just got someone 240 k for a similar accident. But honestly…. No amount fixes feeling like a fuckin cripple…. Or… Actually being one.
Right right leg is atrophied, I have leather calluses on my palms, and my forearms are so strained they just hurt all the time. And… It that shooting nerve pain in random places. I know you know about that.
email from me
Yup. the cane really fucks up your hand. I hope you are using your left hand for the cane, even if it isn’t the “proper” method.
February 11th 2014
email from me
Hey, do you have those two stuffed animals I made you still? If you do, could you take some pictures of them and email them to me? I was trying to explain to someone that the only two things I’d ever sewn were stuffed animals, and that it was possible to do so without having an exact pattern and plan, but I couldn’t explain what I’d made very well.
email from Stefan
I have them safe in a air tight bag. I have to get them out from a pile of boxes. Everything was stacked against a wall after some water damage. I’ll get them out soon as I can.
email from me
ok. it’s not totaly necessary. I am just really delirious state from this constant migraine, and thought I’d ask. I used to have photographs of them of course, but everything got eaten from that fucking harddrive theft. I’d like to have a record of them. I’m proud of how they came out.
I’m glad you still have them, too.
email from Stefan
Of course I have them. Baku & Tina turnip
email from me
sorry for any typos and whatever. it’s my fucking head. i’m in so much agony. But I can’t lay down because laying down is death. myst keep trying….
oh, and someday you should probably open up baku, take the stuffing out, and restuff him a bit less with something extra soft. He was supposed to be comforting and pillowy, and i totally overstuffed him.
February 24th 2014
email from me
So you know…
The Migraine specialist doctor thinks all my one sided weakness and pains and stuff are all migraines. She thinks I just never used to get the headache part until now. It makes sense, I suppose.
Anyway, the first thing she did was look at my list of medications and has now warded me off of my beloved Vicodin. I’m not happy about this, and it’s like I’ve gotten a big chunk of my life washed away because knowing that I could get 5 hours of relief is what has let me make plans and clean my apartment and go out and be social and such when I had to.
However…..
No caffeine and no pain pills and three days later, and I’ve hardly had any headache for two days in a row! My body hurts like hell, though, and it’s awful.
Seems that the repeated withdrawal state of taking Vicodin can easily trigger migraine reaction. So, my years of being responsible with tramadol and vicodin were just making me worse. I know that you’ve suspected the same of your mother’s migraines, so maybe you can use me as an example.
If/when your mom is of retirement age and she gets Medicare, I recommend Dr Chou. She’s a migraine specialist, and VERY thorough.
http://web.neuro.columbia.edu/members/profiles.php?id=230
Also, you might consider that you also have “silent” migraines.
February 28th 2014
email from me
watch it. just…. watch it.
It’s only 25 minutes. It’s very…. Lynchy.
You will like it.
It’s worth it. It’s slow, but worth it.
email from Stefan
Okay… Vimeo full screen looks pretty nice in my phone, so I’ll watch it as I’m sitting in my car here.
That was interesting. I think I have to watch it again.
email from me
Tom Savini for the win!
I knew you’d dig it.
email from Stefan
Yep
March 8th 2014
email from me
Hey, I was wondering if you’d be willing to give me a tattoo in exchange for …. I don’t know, photos or photoshoppery or a website or something.
I’m just now figuring out my own site, so it wouldn’t be for a month or so, I’m guessing. But, I’d really like to get white tattoo of around my hips that would blend in with my stretch marks. Because I think the stretch marks look kind of cool.
Possibly Vulcan traditional calligraphy?
So, yeah. Please let me know if you’d be willing to do a trade of some kind, and if you’d be ok with tattooing my hips.
My apartment is kind of a shithole, but I’ve cleaned it as mush as it’s ever going to be while I’m living with my current roommate. He leaves for work at 10:30pm, and smoking is allowed in the apartment, so…. I guess here would be the place to do it, if you’d be willing to drive through Bushwick.
Oh, but you were going to have to get surgery and stuff on your foot, right? Would you be able to drive here, and walk up three flights? Well, I guess maybe this wouldn’t work out. Let me know!
March 12th 2014
email from Stefan
I’m just trying to sort some shit out…. I have to get my for opened up to get some metal put in there. My tibia healed all wrong. Soon as that’s all sorted out, along with a few other things… I’m sure we can work out something.
March 8th 2014
email from me
Yeah, you did tell me all about your foot already, which is why I mentioned it. Good luck.
Clearly you have too much to handle at the moment to be able to work on stuff. I hope it all works out for you.
Oh, but I might be moving in the next few months and I think my current digs are more accommodating.
email from Stefan
Yeah… I remember telling you I’m getting the surgery. There was a possibility that I didn’t need it, but now it’s healed wrong so they are definitely going to break it and reset it. Sucks. But my lawyer is happy as a school girl over it. He found out this old basterd that hit me has a huge policy to cover his precious Benz he drive into me with. And being a contingency lawyer, the more I get… the more he gets. So he’s attacking this guy with everything and sweats he’s getting me a “hefty settlement”. I Don’t care what it is. Anything is better than nothing. I won’t even know what to do with the number he says he’s trying to get me. I checked out his track record. This guy gets people money for suits that need arbitrators. Mine is just a pedestrian hit and he admitted total fault. So… I’m hoping it works out. Regardless… I Don’t tally care about the dough. I just want to walk without pain. Is been a while now. And I’ll be in a wheel chair… Then crutches… Then back with a cane… Then do physical therapy. My pain is moving around giving me pure mature arthritis as I found out the other day by a sports injury surgeon. Ugh… Anyway. In rambling cuz my lawyer has me on the phone all day with people drooling over my pain. So… Where are you moving?
email from me
Oh, I might be moving in with <the boyfriend>. I’m not sure. I don’t know. His roommate just left, and now he has the run of the apartment, so I COULD move in, but… I’m not sure yet. However, my current apartment I kinda finally got to a dealable level of wacky and grunge, and my roommate leaves for work at 10:30 and you can smoke here; all reasons it seems like it’d be easier here than there. Except it being on the third floor.
There’s also the Section 8. I might end up moving wherever. My name actually came up already for Spokane, but I’ve no way of getting out there in time. Which sucks, because I’ll be in Seattle the week after. I applied all over the place, and I think the wait list in Ithaca might be coming up soon, which would be easiest. I keep looking for NJ ones that are open, but it’s difficult. If you know of any open, please let me know.
There was also, I thought, the mad notion that my dad would let me stay in OG for the summer. But that’s just insane.
March 14th 2014
email from me
Dude, are you alright?
I get the impression you aren’t doing too great. That, or you are somehow afraid of dealing with me, especially in any way that’s more than emails.
I’m not a part of your life anymore, nor you of mine, but I do still care. We used to talk on the phone almost every morning, but now the phone is somehow off limits?
Just…. remember…. when you need to be honest with someone, and want to be friends, give me a shout.
(There’s not that many people in the world who have brains that I like. You are part of a select few! It seems a waste to be so distant.)
email from Stefan
Yeah…. I’m all fucked up. Driving… I’ll explain later.
email from me
Well, I’m home. You can drive here, if you want.
email from Stefan
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t right now. Im doing a “job” for someone. It’s requiring me to sit in my car and wait for someone to leave a building. It could be worse… Not much worse. But it could be.
email from me
Are you a P.I. now? It suits you.
email from Stefan
I wish. That would be fun at least.
email from me
I think being a P.I. is spending a lot of time in cars waiting for people to leave, too.
email from Stefan
Yeah…. Of course. But Im saying that being a P.I. would be Disney world compared to what I’m doing.
Okay. I was [ REDACTED ]
Obviously once again I’ve exhausted myself by living a double life and now want to live a semi normal existence before the year is up. I want nothing to do with drugs when I receive my settlement and finally walk normal again. I want to spend the money on a studio and immerse myself in painting more than I ever have. I’ve again, come to despise the drugs, and realize my curse is that I’m Not lucky enough to die, bit rather suffer by escaping death by the skin of my teeth ever day and watching everyone around me die, and doing in speakable things myself to survive. Well… That’s the long short of it. I really Don’t want to get into it, nor could I any more than that over email. I just wanted to be honest. Nobody… And I mean nobody I talk to has any clue what I’ve been doing that Im close to or will continue to have any connection to. And it will stay that way.
email from me
Thank you for being honest with me. You know I appreciate it. And, of course, “it will stay that way.”Yes, it’s a good idea to get clean before you get that kind of financial windfall. But how are you going to deal with the surgery and the pain without pain killers? I’ve a friend who is actually clean 10 years today, and she had to get some cervical cysts removed and chose to do so totally undrugged.
ALSO: if you have someone you can trust, get the lawyer to put the money in a Special Needs Trust. You are still on Disability, I’m assuming? If you still want to collect your SSI, you can get a Special Needs Trust put together that someone else is in charge of for your behalf. It’s basically just a way for rich people to still get Medicaid and stuff. The recipient isn’t allowed to be in charge of the money, so you need to choose a trustee. I’m looking into it for myself, and have warned family members that any sort of inheritance I get is put in a trust. That much money will strip you of your benefits, and you’ll have to start all over with applying once the money is gone. (Maybe we can be each other’s trustees?)
Look, this shit that you are going through is pretty insane. But you know that. I could give you the best pep talk that I ever got from <mutual friend>:
“This is hardly the WORST thing that has ever happened to you. I mean, your life is terrible!”
I don’t know. It always makes me laugh.
Whatever. What I can offer you is someone to talk to, or someone to sit in the dark with holding hands and being quiet, or someone to give you the kind of hug you could probably really use about now. Or, y’know, someone to talk you out of it when you want to go and find those ten numbers you deleted from your phone.
I’m not talking romance here, but I still love the person that you are, so regardless of how much you hate yourself right now, please do take into account that I love that guy you are talking shit about and treating so poorly. Please, treat Stefan the way I’d like him to be treated. I don’t care what he’s done, treat him fucking well.
(If you died, I’d be inconsolable.)
Where are you going for treatment on Monday? Can I send you things? Or are you doing it on your own?
Anyway….
Please, please, please, be nice to yourself.
The offer to come by here still stands. I’m awake, and will be for a while, I think.
email from Stefan
Driving… And a little messy so this’ll be quick. Illl deal with the post op pain. I’ve delt with worse. And I’ve looked into the trustee thing.
March 8th 2014
email from me
Good luck moving? I hope you tear away from the dark parts of your life. Really, I wish you would move out of state. NJ is no good to you. You deserve a good life, you truly do.
Something I wanted to tell you:
For the past five or more years, I’ve only been able to do things due to painkillers. Tramadol sometimes, but mostly Vicodin or morphine. Sex? I was always on pain killers. Going out and getting groceries? Pain killers. Going back to school? Painkillers. Moving back to the city? Painkillers.
The headaches never went away from when I was living with Aunt Mary. They faded, but they stayed.
Going to a migraine specialist, I was told that the opiates were triggering my migraines. The migraines weren’t just the mind-numbing headache, but were also causing years of symptoms without the headache part; my right side going numb and the stabby pains I get so horribly and all those horrible things that you’ve been witness to.
I had to stop taking the painkillers. The Vicodin has been the only fucking relief I get from being stuck in this body. The Vicodin was the only way I could keep plans. The Vicodin was my secret weapon every time I had to be responsible, and every time I got to feel like what I think a regular human might feel like. It was my passport to the world in 6 hour bits. It was the only thing that kept me from being a total and complete shut in.
It’s been a few weeks. I cried a lot. I spent a long time in my pajamas without showering or leaving the house. I missed a whole lot of stuff that was important to me and that I was forced to just watch happen through the computer screen.
My panic attacks are worse again. Trying to drink alcohol for the first time in months ended up in my vomiting for the first time in a decade. My system is still trying to normalize. I don’t know what normal is. I’m nauseated most of the time. I don’t go out much. But my head doesn’t hurt as bad. I don’t get the lows, but I don’t get the high, either.
And I’ve still got this big jar of Vicodin.
And I haven’t taken any.
I just….
I don’t know what your world is like. I don’t know how dark it is. But I don’t shy away from the dark in you. And it never changes the way I see you. And I know what it is to be in pain that never ever ever fucking lets up. And I know what it is to want to end that pain. And I know what it is to be alone.
If you need someone to be honest with about BOTH your lives, you can talk to me. You know that I don’t judge.
March 21st 2014
email from me
I hope you are feeling alright.
😀
Anyway, as I mentioned on instagram, I seriously mean it. You should DEFINITELY move to the city. And, this might work out excellently for you. Why? Because I am moving out of my place at the end of this month or the next. My roommate is a bit of a wack-a-doo, but he works nights, so you’d have the place to yourself during your preferred hours, during the week at least. The bedroom is small, it’s 13 feet by 5 feet, but it’s quiet and it hardly gets any light.
The reason it would be IDEAL for you is that there is a driveway and garage in the back that would work well as an outside studio. You might be able to ask the landlord if you could rent that out.
Also, my rent is only $550.
Also, I’ve pretty much housebroken my roommate. He still drinks, but not to the drunkeness that he used to. There’s weed and cigarettes smoked in the apartment, but aside from his girlfriend, two friends, and our friend from the block, there’s hardly ever anyone else here.
So….. yeah. Come by and take a look! It might work out amazingly for you. I mean, you might hate it, too, or my roommate might have someone else in mind, but as I’m kind of springing this on him, he’d probably be cool with you. Also, a previous roommate of his was tattooing people in here, I think. Maybe sweeten the deal with some tattooing?
Whatever, I’m way thinking ahead.
Seriously, even if not my soon-to-be-old place, PLEASE!!!! For the sake of your art career, PLEASE move to the city and rent yourself some studio space. It’s so much about who you know, as you well know. Being in the city would bring opportunities to your door on a regular basis.
SERIOUSLY.
I might be home tonight, if you want to look at the place.
email from Stefan
Oh… you just commented on a photo I erased.
But anyway… I plan on moving to The city… But most likely not till I get my settlement. I’m also staying at my folks for a few months so I could pocket my checks and tattoo $. My only bills are car insurance and phone. This will be the first month I Don’t pay rent in like 8 years.
But as far as living conditions… I have to live alone. Unless I moved in with <my cousin’s friend>. But, I told her to stay by her dad and save her money while she can. But I really do need to live alone. I Don’t care how expensive it is. The one redeeming factor in the place I was just in was that it was me.. Alone. I Don’t care how seldom subwoofer else would be there, or what. I’m in a head place right now where I have to be by myself. I’m too fucked up to have company.
And I usually erase instagram pics that are blah after a day or two.
Blah blah blah?
Yellow?
When Stefan offers up explanation without being prompted, it is not true.
March 23rd 2014
email from me
Ok. Look. You know that I care about you. I told you a long time ago that when I love someone as much and as devotedly as I do you, I don’t ever stop caring. That’s just how I am. That’s just how important you’ve been to me, and, like I warned then, you still are.
I think you’ve found yourself in a situation with a lot of people that you don’t really care about, and a few people that you DO care about who aren’t aware enough to see and comprehend the drug situation, leaving you freely able to slip and falter, and only having the smiling faces of those you have hidden the truth from, as you strive to maintain some kind of plastic face of being OK to keep those smiling faces still smiling at you. That isn’t good. That isn’t a situation that is helpful to you. It’s detrimental to your survival.
And I don’t imagine it feels good to live that way.
I, conversely, have offered myself as a friend to you who UNDERSTANDS, who is REALISTIC, who WILL NOT JUDGE, who WILL SUPPORT YOU regardless of the unsavory acts you may have committed, who gets that there may be relapses and mistakes and that it doesn’t mean failure, only that you are human. You should know by now that this offer has always been legit.
However, you aren’t being straight with me.
And I usually erase instagram pics that are blah after a day or two.
Really.
Because it seems you’ve erased every photograph I commented on, right after I commented (until it got far too obvious). I guess I have the luck to only choose the “blah” ones, huh?
C’mon. We both know that’s bullshit.
I’m really not into being a “secret” that you keep from the rest of your life. I already experienced being that with you.
I could tell just by your brief emails that you needed a friend, but clearly, you don’t need me. And I can’t need this.
I’d really like to be of some help to you, but I just can’t allow myself to be so transparently lied to. It’s just disrespectful, and I can’t allow myself to be treated like that anymore.
Please open yourself up to therapy. You really need a place to be totally honest about all aspects of your life. This isn’t a hippy-dippy suggestion, this is mentioned as someone who has nearly her entire dating history and small crew of close friends as having serious addiction problems, mostly from heroin. Dope puts people into suspended animation with their emotional maturity. Your emotions are something that YOU generate and must take responsibility for; they are not something that other people do to you. Especially feelings of guilt.
When you are able to be an upfront and honest friend in return, let me know, and I’ll be there. Regardless of your circumstance.
Until then!
email from Stefan
“We both know that’s bull shit?” No…. You’re wrong. I erase pics that are bland daily. I have a move, a surgery, and a needle in my arm parts of the day…. You think I’m even the least bit concerned about keeping you “secret”. I Don’t even know what that means. I’m carrying giant garbage bags and in pain doing it. I have to go. I Don’t want to do this email argument stuff…. So I’ll call you one night if you want to tell someone who’s done years of therapy with program completion plaques to open themselves up to it.
I’m a mess…. But you don’t know my life enough to call me a bullshitter(over something ridiculously ego driven)…. Or tell me what I should do. You post your pills, problems, and plight. I Don’t. That doesn’t mean I ignore, or can’t face my problems…. I’m very aware of who I am. But I never accuse, insult, or suggest what you should do. Now…. Im pissed off…. when I didn’t have to be. And I have two guys that are helping me staring at me in the middle of the street because Im writing on my phone. Ugh….. Ya know…. All you had to do was not say something insulting and I wouldn’t have to be pissed right now. don’t write to me anymore. If you truly care about my mental health…. You’ll let me cool down or at least apologize for calling me a liar.
I did not apologize.