July 17th 2008
email from me to Stefan
[excerpt]
I wish I were closer… with some bouncy and colorful squishy place with soft cool air and downy cushions… like a child’s version of a sultan’s palace den…. only with a huge screen TV…. and a puppet stage… and magical Star Trek style replicator machines for foodstuffs… and i could invite you over and we could watch wonderfully comforting things like Chuck Jones cartoons while munching on multicolored popcorn and snuggled in a blue muppet fur blanket. Because maybe a place like that would help that feeling of cry you have inside from lack of sleep. And maybe we would drift off to sleep like belly-filled innocent babes…. heads tilted against each other’s… mouths cirlced with the pink of cotton candy and candy apples….
siiiiigh. I want it all to end. and something new to start. like those books that you flip upsidedown half way through and it’s a different story on the other side. If I found a rip in time and space… some portal to another dimension…. some mystery galaxy… would you protest if I grabbed you by the hand and leapt through together?
I never know what to do with myself. With my time.
Even though I’m still in the same place, when you visit, it makes my cold realities less brutal… less smothering and constrictive. I do appreciate that. And I thank you. Even if you just sit across the table from me and draw while I frustratingly try to figure out code. The burden is lightened.
And… just because it’s been on my mind… due to the words and actions of others… things that bother me in my head… things that make me think… I’ll tell you this: Before we were hanging out, I had little to no social interaction. And were we to not hang out any more, I’d have even less social interaction than I’d had before. Because I’d rather be alone than settle. Because I don’t like the idea of humans as social placeholders. Because… especially now, I know what it’s like to have a fellow human see with similarly tinted eyes, and hear my words without constant translation… and I don’t get drunk to make the round pegs seem to amusingly fit into square holes anymore.
I don’t think I’m even making sence. I’m in a confused state.
But I hope you survive your night. And that somehow…. things get a bit better.
email from Stefan to me
I’m still awake too…….i avoided the internet for a while today…….and had my phone on silent……i was angry.
I wish I got your moon text when you sent it. It would’ve been a nice moment where I connected with someone. …..and there is no one I’d rather…..connect with.
……..sigh…..i’m angry……….life hurts……as anguished teen as that sounds.
Your words are nice…….I think about how you write better than anyone I know. …….because you write like you talk. We both seem to use words in similar fashions.
……..though……..I think you’re a better writer.
……and…….if I discover a rip in space and time, with or without any knowledge of where it may lead me……….I’m taking you wether you like it or not. …….you’ll be brushing your teeth before you lay down in darkness……..then my hand will come through a glowing purple slit behind you and i’ll yank you in and your tooth brush will be spinning mid air……..and where ever it goes……..magic candy land or intergalatic war zone………….i’ll make sure we find a place to set up shop. …..and that we’ll be okay.
You’re my friend. I’ll never judge you. I KNOW…..what you go through. …….anyone that calls you lazy,weak willed, selfish, or anything else unflattering……..doesn’t know who you are.
……..and I feel sorry for them. ………..because knowing you is one of the only things that makes life fairly tolerable.
Now…..I go lay down and sketch for my client tomorrow……being the occasional last minute guy that I am.
Good luck if you go to the city this weekend…….I hope it’s fun.
Maybe if I clear my weekends clients……(wich turns out I won’t be traveling for)……….I can find you to hang for a bit or something………..blah.