November 30th 2009
email from Stefan
I’m going to mail you a reply. I drew you something anyway I was planning on mailing you. but…..I want to write to you now….so.
Thank you for the tape head, and the letter.
I….really, really like it.
What I want to say immediately is……
I miss you too. I’m angry at you, for having to hear people I know tell me about your emails, and the situation. Though, I miss you. Lots. NOBODY could ever take your place to me. That’s a fact. I’m not mad at you, but…..angry with you. There is a difference. I feel hurt and betrayed as well.
I’ve been less active online.I just post drawings and such then sign off usually.
I haven’t been in the best of moods. Trying to paint and write a lot.
Eh, I don’t know what else. I miss you. That’s the important thing. Also, I really like that head you made. Thank you. I wished we did things on Thanksgiving. I am….aside from my teeth grinding and such….still, your best friend. As far as I’m concerned at least.
You don’t have to reply. I’ll send you a letter and the drawing I made you soon. If you feel sparing snail mail is the most tolerable way to communicate right now then, that’s okay with me. If you even want to write back. I sort of accept whatever way you want to handle this. Not like I have a choice.
That’s about everything I need to say immediately. I miss you. I am angry with you. Nobody could take your place. My thoughts are scrambled, about everything. Some days I feel as though my arms won’t be open to you anymore. Though…when I huff out the anger, my brain still clearly states to me…..I am here for you. More than i’d be for anyone else.
Thank you for the tape head.
Now, I make tea & draw a bit. I most likely won’t leave my house this week. I have to hustle to catch up.
P.S. I’m sorry. I know you probably didn’t want me to email you. I do, often pick my phone up and want to text you randomness. My mornings have been much colder without that option. You are the only person, I’d do, or have done that with. You can pretend I didn’t email this, or rather just….erase it. I’ll understand completely.
November 30th 2009
Email from me
ha ha ha…
At least five times this evening, I started writing you an email…. and stared at it. and deleted it. at least five times, I sat staring at the screen…. trying to figure out how to…. how to write it… how to ask if you got my package… if you noticed the letter or not… if you noticed the PS or not… and if you did, then… maybe … if you were done with me…. if you were ever going to respond… or if I should stop hoping. if things were…. easier this way.
But I thought that was terribly rude of me, being how you’ve been willing to step back and give me the room to try to put myself together.
The Jon Bon Jovi head was… supposed to be better. But I’ve been pretty unwell, so my grand plans were rather compromised… and significantly postponed. It should have been better. And sooner.
you are angry and hurt. i’m still wounded and cracked.
but…
i’m missing pieces of me without you. I can’t not try.
i wish i knew if i was trying right.
the snail mail is… not an issue of being “tolerable”. I think… it’s good. I think… it makes things not turn into the high pitched frantic frenzy that the immediacy of email can do. Email is: Words typed in a misbegotten and angry moment are digitally frozen in time to be examined and interpreted for aeons.
i miss you. i’ll be waiting for the mailman.
PS – Grace just died. The awesome diner waitress. I really wish we’d found her at the Sussex Queen Diner, and that it hadn’t been closed. You’d have liked her.
PPS – Thank you for emailing me.
PPPS.
i’m… really sick. A fresh case of Lyme they called to say today. I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in the past 1.6 months. I hurt alot. My head, my joints, my nerves, my guts, behind my eyeballs. Hurts. My body doesn’t seem to like it when I eat.
Friday I’m supposed to go in for my portfolio review to Cooper Union. And I’m terrified.
I want to be holed up in Ocean Grove somewhere comfy and curled up with you and watching movies. I want that so badly that just picturing it in my head, it’s making me cry.
i’ve been trying to stay strong.
I’m trying.
I wish we had a shitty Prisoner sequel Thanksgiving Day.
I shouldn’t be writing this. I should be waiting. I’m sorry.