December 5th 2009
Email from Stefan
It’s 11:54 on friday night. The house is empty, I’ve declined going out out plans.I’ve only two thoughts of interest tonight. Drawing with coffee,(which is what I’ll be doing)….or hanging around with you, drawing with coffee. Tonight, I’d rather think of us hanging out, than go anywhere.
Some nights, are harder than others.
December 5th 2009
email from me
… i was hoping your drawing would come today.
It will snow today. You might get to wake up to snow.
(i am sick and headachey and filled with medications and pain and nausea and strange noises in my abdomen, so I wouldn’t have been fun or a good hanging-out-drawing-with-coffee person for a number of weeks now, anyway)
December 6th 2009
Email from Stefan
I didn’t mail it yet. I lost my big envelopes. Bought one yesterday though,hopefully…..plus…I have to change the drawing a bit.
…and, don’t gimme that, “i wouldn’t be much of a hang out person” thing. I’ve happily accepted you in every conceivable condition as far as hanging out goes. Lively or sickly.I was more, telling you my thoughts anyway. Also, I’m in a pretty apathetic state these days….though….I still care for you. Openly. To EVERYONE, I know. So, if you want to investigate something, you come to me…unless you want to anger me. Which, I know….you don’t. I’m still not too thrilled about hearing things from others. I try to suppress the anger. Umm….and just to reiterate, if you need something, let me fuckin’ help you.
I’ll mail this…soon as I can. The snow was a rip off. It was instant slush.
Christ, where is this guy? He’s nearly an hour late. I just walk around….drinking coffee…antsy. Everyday with these fuckers. All I wanna do is secure my rent this week so I could paint with coffee the rest of the month. I don’t ask for much.
December 7th 2009
Email from me
“I’m still not too thrilled about hearing things from others. I try to suppress the anger.”
Anger? I’ve been expected to accept that it’s none of my business to know what you are doing when out of sight, and told it was reciprocal. (I guess the “reciprocal” part was never really tested before now, though.) I mean, no, you aren’t the first to know what I’m up to, or what I’m thinking, or who I’m with. Not anymore. That’s exclusive access to a person, and…. you don’t want to be exclusive with me.
“So, if you want to investigate something, you come to me…”
Investigate?! I don’t know WHAT you think I’m doing. But if anything, I’m doing the opposite of investigating.
I still care for you. Openly. To EVERYONE, I know.
To everyone i’m your “friend”. To everyone you are single.
I still care for you. Openly. To EVERYONE I know.
But I haven’t refered to myself as single when I’ve done so. I’d not just used the word “friend”, because I know how 99% of the world defines that relationship, which is a far cry from what you’ve been to me. So I’ve often used words like:
“everything”
“favorite”
“amorous”
“passion”
“alive”
“always”
“heart”
“only”
… when describing what you are to me. I’d done so with great pride, and to anyone who’d ask.
(Of course, “best friend” is always said, too. It’s still there.)
The whole point of this….. is me getting myself to where I don’t use most of those words when I describe you; when I can use the word “friend” and accept those limitations happily and think it’s awesome; when I can refer to myself as “single” and “unattached” and mean it. Like you do.
I’m working on it. I think I’m making progress.
I’ll continue to wait for the post man.
December 7th 2009
email from Stefan
amazing.
December 7th 2009
email from me
I give up.
I don’t know what you want.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to be striving for.
What do you WANT of me?
Everything I do is wrong in your eyes.
December 8th 2009
email to Stefan
Let’s make some things clear. About this supposed “investigating”. About these “others” you are “hearing things” from. Unless you are using “others” as a euphemism for “internet”… I’ve no access to anyone in your life. <your brother> is my facebook friend, but he and I rarely ever interact. The only “other” person you could possibly have issue with, I imagine, is <your friend’s cousin>.
<your friend’s cousin> friended ME. <your friend’s cousin> then was the one who first messaged me, and inquired about my doctor stuff, and tried to see if she could help. It was probably the best thing in the world for my crazy-brain at that point, her kindness. There was some back and forth messaging about that, and I thanked her:
… Anyway, lame and weird as this sounds, I just wanted to thank you for… y’know, being friendly and nice and going out of your way in trying to help. All distraction, even the small bits of interaction through facebook comments, is appreciated.
(Funny, this is probably the most interaction I’ve ever had with any of Stefan’s non-roommate outside-world friends, which is nice. Makes a person a bit paranoid and conscious after a few years, y’know?)
Soooo…. thanks for being a nice person to me.
You are entertaining and interesting! Yay!
And I meant exactly what I wrote.
And she wrote back:
…Thanks for the message, it made me feel good. I don’t think you have to thank me though…..Stefan is an important person to me, so I feel like its only natural and right to care about the people and things he cares about…whether it be Stefan or other people I value. I don’t know anything about your relationship with him but I know he cares about you…and I think he also mentioned one time that we would get along. But thats as far as my knowledge goes.
And then SHE ASKED ME:
… What do you mean feeling paranoid and self conscious after a few years?
And, because I’m not ashamed of myself, or my emotions, I explained.
… It’s just… y’know… sometimes, you think that after so very long… with mutual favoriteness and devotion and stuff… that you’d meet some of the people who regularly appear in someone’s life (aside from at thier Halloween party). One starts to wonder why not…. feel like a secret hidden in plain view stuffed into a platonic disguise. Or think that you just don’t fit in and they won’t like you.
hence why it’s so nice to me that you’ve gone out of your way to be kind and friendly to me. 😀 Hoorah! a pariah I am not!
my relationship with him is…. whatever it is. I can’t speak for him. but. To me, he’s…. my most-important&everything-person, for lack of a better term, and I’m pretty head over heels for the boy, I’m not ashamed to admit. I figure that’s probably pretty obvious. Then, maybe that would explain why I’m never invited out to meet people. heh. Maybe I ooooze it out my pores, and it’s an embarrassment. Covered in girlie cootie slime of adoration.
Hah! And I suppose right there I explained all the paranoia and self consiousness that I try to avoid in my head.
None of this matters now, of course. I’m assed out on my back for the forseeable future. And it’s not like I’m usually feeling otherwise healthy, nor am I a party girl, I don’t drink or dance, I don’t live exactly nearby, I’m perpetually broke, and my idea of a fun evening is sitting and drawing or watching old horror movies or something so… right there are pretty solid reasons for not ever meeting people, or being terribly social, I guess.
All in all there were about six back and forth messages; the content of which that isn’t quoted here was not about you… and then it died back down to the random wall comments. In my attempts at being NOT MORE THAN FRIEND to you, I continued to appreciate the minor interaction I had with her, adapting the same outlook SHE expressed, of getting to know someone you are friends with. Because you and I are supposed to be friends, and I’m trying to remind myself of that.
She again messaged me, asked about how I was doing, and how things were going, and how my attempts with getting a computer were going. Which was nice and kind and I appreciated it. I not ONCE ever asked her a question about ONE GODDAMNED THING. Not one question.
Yesterday, she wrote this:
“when i first friended you…I did it because well 1. thought you would post neat things (i was right) 2. wanted to take a step towards the people stefan cares about ( i was right again…maybe 1 and 2 should be reversed) But I was unaware of whatever is going on between you two at the moment. I still am but that’s fine with me…its not like me to ask questions. I really don’t want to add to any of this though so….I guess to make matters less uncomfortable I’m going to de-friend. I wanted to let you know my reasons. i still hope you feel better…all around.”
Which really sucks. I mean, I understand, and she’s clearly a good friend to you in doing so, but it still made me pretty sad. Because we probably WOULD get along.
But as far as investigating goes… Would you like to see my statcounter, and the many times a viewer from Paterson went through my site, and my entire blog? Should I tell you how when she was friends with me on Flickr, every single photograph I posted that was friends-only and happened to have YOU in it would get more views than any other, which suddenly dropped off when I unfriended her (due to a routiine culling of the herd, mind you, not out of a paranoid frenzy).
I have no gripe with the girl. I like her, from what I know of her. She does seem like a nice and wierd person; someone I’d enjoy. And I’m actually rather upset that I’m not in contact with her, now. I thought she might attend a figure drawing thing with me, when I was feeling better. It seems you were probably right, and the two of us really would get along. She’d seemed a neat and entertaining person to do things with.
And I don’t blame her for being interested in who the FUCK I am, considering how very long I’ve been kept at an arms length from the rest of the people in your life for a number of YEARS now.
I feel like an asshole for quoting her in having to explain all of this to you. It really pisses me off.
But do NOT accuse me of trying to pry into your life. Of trying to investigate. When I have a question, I DO ask you.
I’ve been trying to NOT think about your life. I’ve been trying to get myself to the point where the way I am with you is not affected by the outside world. I’ve been trying to figure out the borders of how close and how emotionaly attached I can be to you to have it NOT destroy me that we evidently weren’t as into each other as I’d thought.
[ Let’s be honest here. You’ve mentioned maybe three times ever hanging out with <your cousin’s friend> to me, and yet, you are an important person to her whom she cares very much about, enough so that she wants to take steps towards people you care about, and doesn’t use the word “friend” to describe what you mean to her. She’s slept over your house, she comments on your photographs often about how attractive you are, you freaked the FUCK out when you thought I friended her on facebook, and have continued to be weird about it. I’d be reeeeaaaaally stupid not to think that there was at least the possibility of something there. ]
But I just can’t care. Don’t you see? I’m not allowed. If we aren’t exclusive to one another, I’m going to have to assume that you could be with anyone. Everyone. I to live with that constant possibility. I have to see how close I can be to you from THAT as my starting point.
I’m trying get OVER this heartache. i’m trying to blur everything, not magnify the ugly details. Not “investigate”.
If you have a problem with a conversation between two women, saying hello to one another, both expressing that they care about you…
or if you take issue with my honesty about how much….. I care for you. openly. to ANYONE…. is something that enrages you, then…
then I really don’t know what to say.
I still don’t know what you want. You don’t want to be Facebook friends with me, but you are bothered that others know things about me through facebook that you don’t. You tell me that our time apart from each other is our own business, but now, hearing things from others about me is angering you. You seem to still want to be the first person in my life, the one who knows me best, and you don’t want me to sleep with anyone else… but you don’t want to be exclusive with me. You miss the talking almost every morning before sleep (so do i, so do i), but that’s probably the most more-than-friends, devoted-romantically-entwined sort of thing we DO!
When you can tell me what it is that you expect us to be to each other, equally, let me know. I will continue to try and deaden the nerve endings and not care so much for you.
I do know that… for me to really be just “best friends” with you, I can’t be physical with you anymore. I’m not capable of being physical with more than one person, and especially being the way my feelings for you have grown, it will be far too imbalanced to know that you aren’t exclusive with me. And… you can’t be my everything anymore.
You are still my favorite person.
I want nothing else more than you.
It still bleeds.
I still miss you.
December 9th 2009
Email from Stefan
I don’t know what you’re striving for. Other than the clearing up the term, “investigate”. I get it. So, thank you, put that to rest. I haven’t been throwing the word around. I used it once. You explained. So, okay….. leave that alone. That was no test of anything reciprocal, it was me minding my own…..and being told things. Let’s drop that right there as well. I have zero interest in saying or reading another thing about that. Unless your goal, is to anger me. I don’t think it is.
I don’t know what I want of you. It’s not that I don’t want you sleeping with others,(regardless of past quotes, this is the current factual truth) the idea of that wasn’t something I wanted to think of. There is a huge difference. At the moment….leave that alone. I’ll only continue that in person.
You explained 99% of the reasons why you haven’t met a some outside friends. So, you cleared up your own paranoia or semi-paranoia. Ya know…..a while back, I asked <my brother> if he felt I was keeping you from others when me and you hung out. He said, “Umm, no. I assumed when you’re hanging out with your best friend who lives a bit away to where you have to pick her up, why would you WANT, to bring others? You’d want to just, hang out with that person.” I said, “my thoughts exactly, I’ve never once felt like I was keeping her from anything.” So….I tell you this. That is the truth. It will never be anything, other than the truth. PLEASE…..leave that one alone for now too. PLEASE….if you care. Just don’t respond to anything above. Those are hermetically sealed thoughts. Regardless of anything you can quote, or refer to….those are my current ,real, thoughts. Please…..just let them stand. For the love of everything, don’t respond to the above. There’s nothing left to write , or read of it. You’ve explained things, I understand them…..this stuff is buried. Seriously, i’ve nothing left to say of it.
Now, onto the actually email……the only things I want to discuss.
You do nothing wrong, on purpose, in my eyes. I understand your intentions are never bad…..and they are as real as you say they are. Though, that doesn’t mean they can’t twist me up. Or anger me. I don’t think it’s intentional, but for the last time….I’m allowed to be mad without you striking back. You,are going through a typhoon of feelings and emotions, doing things and saying things that debase my name, whether you see it or not. I’m telling you, that’s what’s happening.You can’t argue with me on my own feelings. You don’t have to understand it. We both know, we don’t quite understand each other. Your feelings are no less real, than mine. I’m sure you could agree. You do nothing wrong, as far as intentions go. I’m going through my own storm over this. It’s tough on us both.
Since this month started, all I have been thinking is of ways I could convince you to let me spend your birthday with you.
So, think of Stefan. Think of how, he has a best friend……that is extremely important to him. Then, picture him trying to come up with almost… a scheme……to trick his best friend into letting him see her. This is, a sad & confusing reality. You can’t possibly think this is easy, or sensical for me either. There are maddening factors that hurt for us both.
If your words are going to be negative. Or if you’re just gonna quote me back. Just don’t respond for awhile.
If you’re going to come down on me for having my own feelings towards this……as if only you’re allowed to go through things…….never write me again, because, I too, would give up,…on thinking you care for my feelings at all. At this point, that would be an indication of a egomaniacal wall, I’ll never be able to break. I don’t want to know that, if that is the truth. Also, I’d probably feel as disrespected as I could, and kick my laptop into dust.
Just respond, if you choose…….or….whenever….I don’t even know. I’ll respect it if you respond tomorrow, a month from now…..or never, I guess.
Aside from all this shit, you know I’m concerned with how you’re feeling physically.
I’ve written way more that intended…….I apologize for any tautology…….I’m a bit unslept.
I understand you’re upset…..but you’re making it reeeeeal hard for me to see that you care for me at times. I don’t exactly wake up feeling loved.
You could cut off communication right this second, forever. It would upset the shit out of me. Though, you will never convince me that you care for me MORE, than I do you.
Also, I don’t care to know what you’re doing before anyone else. I never said that. I don’t want to be poked and told by others either. All I care about for sure, is that you aren’t doing anything dangerous or stupid, and are smart enough to ask for my help if you need it.
I’d like you to not be the source of any of my problems, and more so, one of the people I go to when I have one. Right now, I care for you…..but, you’re a pain in my ass. Making feel like a heartless fuck. I don’t assume that’s your intention, nor do I need a counter guilt trip. This is no battle, just me writing how I feel. A good indication that you care would be to not add, to what you know I feel right now. So…..please……consider, before you write.
You do know, I want and miss my best friend. Even though, you so unfortunately reduce that heartfelt sentiment down to general guff. It sucks.
That is as much, clearing up, as I care to do right now. Anything negative back from you, will result in me…..knowing you want to push me. I will cut you off…….reluctantly, but permanently. You’re one of the only people I WANT, in my life. So that would be unfortunate.
My friendship has offered you mountains of kindness that no one else could ever get out of me. That kindness was no illusion. “Exclusive”, is the ONLY word, that comes to mind when I think of all the things we’ve done. It’s all things, i’ve done with no one else. Please, understand that I have my own case of feeling like all my best intentions have been cast aside here. I do, understand yours.
One day,…….maybe………….you’ll see that.
The best way to defend my pleas of you not responding on certain things right now ,would be to say the truth. Which is…
…much of the stress over this has conjured many thoughts and chest filled anxiety. That, along with my anger and standard daily aversion, has been pointing me towards craving narcotics. This is really terrible because, well…..there isn’t a single living organism on this planet that even remotely intimidates me, more than myself. Living death, day to day, is only one stupid decision away. This may not seem real or important to you, but…..I’d be stupid to think I could return again, if I take that route. It would be over for me. I’d be gone. I know you don’t think of that often. You don’t know what I feel in my blood. How scary it is. How dangerous it is for me to even think of. The life I couldn’t…..share with you. That you couldn’t stop. That is a whole other story, that you certainly won’t understand via email. That is the reasons for so many things. I couldn’t risk explaining it too much. If you were to even accidentally belittle it even a micro fraction, i’d crack. I feel like a pressure cooker right now as it is. As I do most days of my life, but I don’t burden others with it. It would only make it harder and worse for me if I explained it more.
I see myself as poison. You really have missed the boat on putting this whole story together. You’ve taken no time to consider how complex and problematic my issues are, and how they affect what I could, and can’t be. The saddest part is. No ones understands as much as you either. You don’t suffer daily……alone. It….rings in my head over and over…..that you forgot what I thought, was one of our most precious old conversations. I’ve been waiting for you to recall……but, that’s not going to happen. If you did, you’d realize how much you mean to me and understand everything I do, a bit better. I’m not upset you don’t remember though, I assume your brain, wanted to forget. That would make more sense anyway. You know things ,most will never know about me.
I may walk upright, but I live in perpetual suffering too. Every night….every day. It’ll never change. Without even the most minor inquiry from anyone….ever. It makes for cold insides. I’d rather that than exposing it. (Even though I just did, and am now terrified of the possibility you’ll ignore it and continue talking about the things I begged you not to respond to)
I miss you too, obviously. Otherwise, i certainly wouldn’t have written all of this. (lights just flickered, crap.)
So….maybe now…..you have a little extra help seeing why anger……is apart of all these things. It hurts me greatly when I have to remind you of what permanently poisons my brain and life. I like to think you always consider it, and understand it’s hell for me. As I ,am concerned for your health always. No matter how happy, or livid I am.
It’s all up in the air. Will we ever talk again….will we not? I don’t know. I don’t know at all.
That’s enough writing for me for a while. I’m shaky and such. I’m quite fearful of myself at the moment. Not good.
I know you’re hurting……but If you’re going to respond immediately, I beg you to be nice and brief. My brain is on overload. ….and….sigh…..man. I’m not a thrilled person right now.
…….and of course, I miss you.
December 9th 2009
Email from me
Thank you. Thank you. And thank you again for your email.
…..
I do always consider what you deal with. I do. always. You don’t need to remind me. i get angry and defensive for you in my head at every…. at things you tell me. At the ways people react. And interpret. At the rudeness and insensitivity and. I get angry.
I still harbor anger at <Prime Roommate>, actually. I liked the guy, and thought he was a good friend to you, in his own overbearing kind of way… until we were driving back from Wegmans… and you told me about the picture <Stefan’s mug shot> he put on his phone to pop up when you call him. …. The idea that someone who’d consider themselves a good friend to you would find it acceptable to represent you in that way, make light of it, would remind you of that life-place, without any consideration about what that would do to your brain, without considering how it’s a constant struggle… knowing that he psychologically associates you like that, even in jest… um. it’s like constantly making crude rape-the-slut jokes to someone who was gang raped and left sterile and bladder-leaking. I got really really angry when you told me that, but didn’t show it because I know he’s still your friend.
But now I hate him.
There’s lots of little things. Like that. That make me wish the intangible would take form so i could scowl and punch it for you. I wince in my head. Watching you flipping through your old sketchbooks, with the vein labeled “old faithful”…. and knowing that just trying to look at old pictures, now you have THAT in the central view of your mind’s eye. I notice these things. I see them. I don’t ignore them. I can see them take hold of the background of your mind. and I know that those are only the most basic, clunky, and obvious examples of a whole dastardly elegant system of mental anguish you have in your head.
And… of course I think about what would happen if you decided to return to the dark life you’ve painfully crawled out of. Of course I know that’s one of the paths in the Choose Your Own Adventure book of your life. I know that’s possible. i know that’s a grim potential that you see always grinning at you around the next corner. (I still choose you.)
I know it’s always there. I know I don’t ask. I don’t ask because… I assume you’d rather try to not devote yourself to focusing on it there staring at you. I figured… that someone else saying things and pointing at it makes it more real, and it’d be kinder to your current reality to try and find whatever brief moments of joyful starlight and silly humor you can… the kinds of all encompassing moments of such laughter that are so in the NOW that you don’t think about pasts for futures at all.
I strive to be that for you as much as i can. It’s… the best thing I can think to offer you. As much blinding NOW as possible…. and not to live in denial and pretend your darkness doesn’t exist, that it isn’t always there, but rather… because I know so very well that it DOES and it IS.
I offer that… and my arms open to you, regardless of the condition to stumble to me.
I’m always willing to face the dark and grime head on, always willing to listen, hunger to understand as much as I can. But I can’t say I’ll ever know when is the right time to breach the topic, so i have to leave it to you.
I wish… you’d tell me which conversation you meant. Because, I’m sure I do remember. I remember more than you think, I bet.
I um.
I know that I wouldn’t be THERE in your hell with you…. but I’d still be there.
I um. I DO suffer daily. Alone. The thousand tiny things I avoid because I can’t do them. My vision and hands… the reason I end up crying when I draw is because… I almost end up crying so many times, but I’ve learned to just avoid all the things I can’t do, and pretend I have no interest. But i try to draw, I try to be a drawing person with you… and it makes a tiny crack in the wall of pretend of me trying not to be bothered by watching everytying I ever loved to do fade away. I used to read as avidly as <your brother>. I’d read a novel in days. I used to draw constantly. I can’t run. Every single aspect of my life has been soured and wrecked. Everything. And every time one tiny thing reminds me, every time my hands cramp shut… eeverytime i don’t see something right in front of me…everytime I try to look at the moon, and just see a greasy smudge… it makes the whole world of everything I can’t do come rushing back and be inescapable and remind me of everthing everything everything and the everything that’s to come. all the things ican’t do, all the things my dad has said, all the missed opportunities, all the anger at everyone and betrayal and directionless fire. i know, I can still walk, my hands still function, my eyes still see…. but I’m rapidly reaching a point where I can’t do ANYTHING that’s… worthwhile or …. worth living for. Anything that meets my standards of what life is. And i never know how close that breaking point is. It’s like I’m slowly being wrapped alive in cotton, and the whole time, I look FINE. It’s like I’m living “Who’s Life Is It Anyway”, but in slow motion.
I assume it’s the same with you. I assume that it only takes one tiny water drop of reminder to wreck the chocolate of your entire mind for days. I assume that it’s constantly there. That there’s tiny things that nobody else would understand or even consider to be a trigger of terrible memory and thought-spiral of dark doom; a small innocent comment that can bring everything wrong for days.
Maybe… if we are both alone, in thought clouds of millions of words and thoughts that swirl around us like pigpen…. maybe we can at least reach an arm through… and hold hands.
I’ve avoided any dating or real attachment for years. Since 2001. Before that, I tried, and it failed because my health doom and life chaos was always too much for someone else to handle. After that…. I stopped. Because I felt I was too broken. Too doomed. My future too possibly wrong and sad…. my now already tainted. The last fellow I dated, it only lasted for 2 or 3 months, and cut I it off, told him I was too broken to be invovled with anyone. He was really lame, but that wasn’t the point. I …. couldn’t do the girlfriend thing. Couldn’t offer those girlfriend things. didn’t have it in me. Felt wrong. Didn’t want to tie anyone to my unkind childhood, broken present, and bleak future. Felt far too dead inside. Didn’t care about the right things the right ways. And I started to hate him for no real reason. I felt fake.
and maybe it’s unfair. maybe it’s terribly selfish of me. but you make me not feel dead inside. you make me not feel so wrong. you make that old dead twisted tree inside of me bloom with purple Dr. Suess flowers that sway like coral. Is it unfair? Should I be running away? Should I make sure that you, of all people, you, that I care most for, is unburdened by my …… my terrible life? my terrible past present and future? When you already have so much of your own?
Is this your logic, too? Are you just less selfish than I?
I don’t…. I still don’t understand how this means… i still don’t see how this…. how this is …. where the …. where does my heart go in all of this?! Where is yours?! how is this related to body-sharing? how do I know if i can touch you? i know your emotions for me are as big as the sky…. but I still don’t know what color, and that’s really important!!
This is longer than I meant for it to be. I meant to be brief. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt your overloaded mind.
I have to be up in a few hours for an MRI of my noggin.
PS
I realise I may have made it sound like your…. your terribleness is something that only exists as haunting memories, which i don’t mean to imply at all. I know it’s a constant demon of the present and future as well.
also, I want to stand in the middle of nowhere in the woods with you and scream. Just. Stand and scream at the sky. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
December 10th 2009
email from me
… and i hope… i mean… i wasn’t trying to trivialize… or compare your life to mine.
our experiences are not even of the same species. I know. but. our own individual obstacles do emerge perpetually in a very similar and inescapable fashion…. with our own very personal and untranslatable lives of frustration, knowing that unless someone could crawl into our brain, there is no true understanding… no possible way to understand.
and…. in that, i think we end up with a similar perspective of ourselves….
but. I like to think. that while I can’t understand exactly… i might understand abstractly. like an un-subtitled film in language I don’t speak. I will never understand the dialouge, and there are parts of the plot that will simply be completely lost on me… but I can still me moved to tears, and I can still be profoundly touched, and i can still comprehend the true substance behind the script, even if I don’t understand a word.
i hope…. i hope my letter was…. what i meant it to be.
December 10th 2009
Email from Stefan
I just got all your emails. Thank you. They came at the right time. I’m livid.
….but not about them….the emails are good. They calmed me down.
I pissed because, I went food shopping because the house was getting thin on necessity stuffs.
So….I lazily flying walking around shoprite. I fill a cart. When I get back…..<my brother> doesn’t have his car moved up enough……and some girl who has been sleeping over a lot, is taking my front spot. This is not cool with me. She also drives right up on the lawn often now, because I told <my brother> it was cool once.
….also, they routinely leave bottles, glasses and cups out. For me to clean.
….they leave al the fuckin lights on. The heat lamps drain power.
….they leave the counter top full of food.
….they leave kitchen utensils out.
….moved over my transfer folder onto some fuckin olive oil.
….left a fuckin can of clear coat right on top of the pool table felt.
…..and……and after I carry in all the groceries, I have to take out the recyclables…..and there were a ton. As I always take out the garbage.
Sigh…..I don’t even like this girl. She’s clearly a bad influence. …..and tomorrow, it’ll be known. <Prime Roommate> would flip if he came home to this. I’m flipping , because I just did.
I…..am so mad. I know he doesn’t mean any harm, but…..it will all be addressed in one fell swoop tomorrow.
Okay, now……again. Your emails just thoroughly calmed me down. They were very thoughtful and appreciated. I have much to say about them, but while I’m a bit calmed down….I’m going to lay down. Otherwise, I’m gonna kick in his door and cut that bitches head off.
I’ll write again and respond more appropriately when my heads on straight. I’m going to try to relax.
I’ll scream in the woods with you any day. In a supermarket too.
He never does write again and respond to my questions. They once again slide by without answers.
Stefan vents to me about the disrespectful nature of his roommates, and of women sleeping over his house often.
He tells me I am paramount, but doesn’t answer my questions, doesn’t address why his inability to be romantically partnered with me means he’s seeing other women, doesn’t explain why I am kept in the dark about those other women.
So many words, so few answers.