May 24th 2008
email from Stefan
I have been feeling disgusting for so many reasons that I can’t even explain it……..people,things,ideas,dreams…..insomnia…..the usual.
I have been having a hard time controlling my anger…as you know.
It seems the truer I try to be….the less it means and I see the world melt into eachother as one big disgusting social,mental and physical fuckfest. I’m grossed out by this.
I do NOT include you into this.
……but I was meaning to tell you something that threw me COMPLETELY off guard.
It literally made me question if I am anything more than….”some dude”….to you…..and not a ….”real friend.”
I was under the impression that you and I are under the agreement that we offer escape from our living spaces by offering our own to eachother. Yet……after I tell you me & <Prime Roommate> got into it and are on weird terms…..and after I told you they don’t quite respect women……annnnnnnd after I told you when he gets drunk….he can be unpredictable………and……you know this stuff because you told me if i need a break from him and want escape to come by you……..
then out the the most unpredictable clear blue sky…..YOU give him a solo open-ended invite to your house right in front of me?!
I………..am speechless. ………………………………
You just grabbed me by the face and said….”You don’t have a get away from your house anymore. I want your unpredictable roommate to come to my house unannounced whenever!…..and to come with you or get mad whenever you come without him! Whee!”
Did he put some sorta spell….on you?
Or is it that easy to forget what I told you and what you offered the second someone else enters the room.
Very insulting and/or disturbing……….but more so….depressing…..because i know you have only good intentions.
So the depressiong part is me realizing how easily i’m disreguarded in the company of others. I thought we had a refuge pact of sorts.
You don’t even KNOW him……why would you give MY housemate a endless invite to YOUR house?
Do you want him over that bad.
Now anytime I want to come by you I have to fuckin’ sneak out.
Or……….just find a new refuge.
You…..surprised me.
I mean……this is the fuckin guy that said………”You know when you meet a pig and just want a blowjob?”…….and punches shit when drunk.
Are you interested in having this by your house?
Don’t make me believe you want to hang out with dudes like that……
cause i’m gone if thats true.
you already explained to me once of victimizing yourself like some ignorant helpless girl…….and let your fear pass over to me and think I could do nothing as well……..you were sorely mistaken……but I backed off.
I am a real fuckin friend………..I’ll get bloody for you……and smile while covered in it. but i digress………
I got aggravated when I see you inviting them into your private life………..I don’t care what you show or who you show it to…… but these are MY housemates. I was doing you a favor by telling you it’s a waste of your time.
I myself don’t understand why you tell anyone that you talk to for more than five minutes every hair color you had and how much shit is wrong with you……I poke fun at you…..but you shouldn’t. if you ask me.
It makes getting to know you pointless.
Make people earn details of your life. and ya’know….generally someone that barely knows you truley……doesn’t care about your hair colors. trust me………..i know. they mostly pretend to be.
I couldn’t even fathom what it feels like to think strangers give a shit that I had every hair color and am a junkie.
,,,,,,but then again,,….my past is dirtier than yours….more embarrassing and scary. So we differ there. i just don’t understand wearing your past and problems on your sleeve because i’m more private than anyone…..i know……I’m a scumbag perhaps.
Youre fuckin awesome……..you should make your life and privacy more sacred……make people earn it. otherwise it makes those who have, feel like anyone else.
I am very fuckin private……..i mean……there is so much that never passes my lips……..and I have ALWAYS been private in my intimacy of any sort……I am a part of NO ONES “sex tree”……that’s why i was grossed out when I heard you made out with <Mutual Friend>.
….but…..yuck. grr.
And then sorta agreed in saying that you have been intimate with almost all guys ….and girls…..you’ve known.
I HATE the idea that i am another face to connect by a line when faces you know are sprauled out.
I am not saying i’m better than anyone…..just…..I don’t….fuckin want to be a fuckin statistic……to you.
There is no indication I’m anything different.
That bothers me.
I felt like you shouldv’e mentioned that to me…….I don’t come from a hooked up with eachother……and more.
I don’t like that shit. Or the excuses always used to justify them.
I’ve always went and formed my own situations far away from people I know. Immersed myself in my own separate life……alone. So I suppose….again…..that you weren’t in anyway thinking it was bad…….so again…..I know your intentions are good.
I……..hate…..the fact….that I think of all these things and form the opinion that …..”I am basically……like EVERYONE else”.
There is nothing special,sacred…..or different about me.
What I thought meant something was throw in the trash in front of me when you offered <Prime Roommate> to come by you anytime.
You aren’t here to hang with him and offer your home to him.
….but if it’s that important…..then i’ll step aside and find another get away.
You would fuckin loath him if you ran into eachother in a public place.
It doesn’t make sense me.
Is all I’ve said,done…..and made with you all for nothing?
I’m no ones time killer. If all you need is a willing man,woman….or other to sit around and do things with you……and how good or bad or different that person is makes no difference……..then I don’t need to be around you. do i?
I drop anything and everything whenever you need help.
I will NEVER go back on a single word I say to you.
I am a real friend……flesh and blood………….two things I also offered you.
Do you offer your flesh and blood to everyone?
I know I don’t.
Do I just THINK……we have a close friendship full of art,fun,understanding and a sci-fi & macabre sense of errotica?
Do you watch Lynch movies,have sex….and draw with any human willing?
I ask because I……..don’t know anymore. These are real questions.
We are both unconventional people…..so these questions aren’t so odd.
….and they are asked in a genuine tone……I ask to truely know.
I would never be rude to you for no reason.
You threw me for a serious loop though.
I’m starting to think I am living some sort of joke.
Like I think I have close friends who understands me but I’m not even thought of or taken seriously.
I am NOT sensitive.
I just want to know what I am that is even REMOTELY different than anyone else.
……because I sure as fuck…..do things for you and my few other close friends i don’t do for anyone else. because you’ve earned my respect.
……because you’re awesome and deserving of good friends.
……and I offer you treatment i don’t offer to everone i meet.
………sigh…….how could you compromise the “get away” factor….just like i wasn’t even in the room. (head in hands)
…..fuck………do I have no friends?
It’s a bad time for me.
You see…….I have problems with friends……..problems with family………..even with strangers………everyone hates me.
I meant it when I said you aren’t the cause of any of my anger……but this all snowballed when i was trying to make sense of what you said to <Prime Roommate>. So this is the shit I’m asking you.
I’m sorry…..it’s not like me. I’m just trying to see where I really stand with people who say they are true friends.
You’ve came to me a few times and asked “weird girly questions”…..
….so here is my FIRST…..weird question……………I’m making NO assumtions……..and obviously you don’t have to answer.
but…why……..did you do that?
why take what you offered me and throw it at my PROBLEMATIC room mate right in front of me?
…….and……what makes me ANY different than anyone else to you?
……..is there even a point to caring?
….am i over thinking?! probably.
…….is ones personal details…….friendship…..sex…..creativity…..and understanding…….something everyone should offer everyone?
tell me……..because this last month has completely fucked my understanding of all people.
…..and out of the few people I need to understand……you’re one of them.
So give me some answers………what the fuck am i?
explain me to myself.
and……I apologize for how long this is…….my fingers are possessed by anger and i’m probably going to regret writing this.
you’re a great friend and I’ll still do anything to prove that……that hasn’t change…….this isn’t an angry email……..just a rambly one full of questions that depress me.
………….you can tell me to shut up.
see……i only say that sorta shit to a few people.
email from me
Honestly.
I started kinda laughing outloud when reading your letter. Not because anything you had to say was funny in itself, not that anything you’d issue with wasn’t entirely understandable, but…. ha ha ha… the idea that you’d be just “some guy” in my world… the notion that you aren’t the ONLY human I can EVER remember knowing who I feel not only accepts most of who/what I am, but even understands it… the idea that you aren’t, uncomfortable as this may be to hear, the single most important person in my universe… well, it’s all somewhat lucidrous to me.
Regarding the <Prime Roommate> hooplah… I hadn’t considered it a SOLO open-ended invite. I’d meant, and rather stupidly assumed, I suppose, that my invite only went only so far as a kind of satellite invite onto yours. You’d mentioned in the past that you’d passed on my hospitality, and that most just weren’t willing, or didn’t take the offer seriously. I thought I’d offer personally… I apologise if I come on a bit strong in the “get to know you” category, if I’m heavy handed with the friendliness… and while *I* tend to think of your house as primarily YOUR doing, YOUR baby, and YOUR aesthetic success…. Being that I’m not paying rent and spending days on end in your house, I just instinctively attempt to befriend your roommates. Because I’m still in their home. Because in SPITE of what might be their opinions of women and whatnot, your friends have been gracious and accepting of me as a guest in the home you all share.
You are right – I wasn’t thinking that invite all the way through, but it was by no means any sort of insult or black mark against our friendship. I know you’d had issues with him recently, but from what you’d said it seemed that things were being resolved, or at least buried between you two. I know your friends say deroggatory things about women, and I’ve heard the awful things that come out of thier mouths. But they are your friends… and being that I know they respect you, and that I’m your friend, I just had some sort of assumption that there was some…. respect spill-over in my direction? I’m not un-used to that kind of ultra-male-macho mentality, but I often figure most of it is just talk… is just comfortable speech patterns… the same way people make random racist jokes without any actual malice or racism behind thier words.
However, your few words that tried to touch on the issue that evening… regarding your friends and that you may have lowered your expectations, that you’d settled in some way, well, they rang true in my head. They made me think that I, too, have been too accepting of lesser people in my life. And, again, uncomfortable as this may be to hear… the idea that I could have higher expectations for others, that I could strive for and might even deserve better people in my life… well, it has alot to do with you drastically raising the bar.
You think better of me than I do. It’s not something I’m used to. I’m not… I don’t think much of myself. When that whole wierdness with <Abusive Man> came to light… I was having alot of trouble with it. I was actually crying for a large chunk of that IM conversation. Not because I was reliving some sort of past horror, but rather….. because I didn’t want you to think less of me, and moreso, I was amazed and embarrassed and some-other-emotions-i-can’t-put-to-words that you’d…. fight for me. For ME. The idea that you’d go through ANY trouble whaatsoever…. it made my insides swell and glow and go “eeeeeeeeee!” all girly-like, and at the same time, made me hate and cut and stab at that sort of glee. Because it meant too much? Because you deserve of better quality than me, and I’d shown myself to be more floppy and tarnished than I’d represented myself?
I offer escape to you. Yes. And I take your offer of escape to me. Yes. But I don’t visit you for the escape. That’s happy extra bonus. I visit you to visit you. If I just wanted escape, I could go other places. I suppose…. maybe… I have started to raise my expectations of other people in comparison to you.
And…. yes. The whole web of sexual pasts and the mentioning of <Mutual Friend>… My random hooking up with <Mutual Friend> was something that happened maybe three times, and so long ago AND so inconsequential… and had absolutely nothing to do with anything but drunken messiness, that it seemed not worth even bringing up. We weren’t, at any point, “sleeping together”. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, and I was somewhat horrified that it had been gossiped.
And… I think you somewhat mis-interpreted my response when we were discussing the whole concept of fully platonic friends. I’ve not had a sexual past with most of the friends I’ve had, but I can’t say that there wasn’t a moment here or there were I didn’t feel I had to narrowly avoid some sort of potential situation that I wasn’t reciprocating with most. That’s what I meant when I was realising that perhaps you were right, and perhaps most of the friendships I was thinking of as platonic weren’t entirely so.
But.
Nor can I say that those I’ve HAD a sexual past with I don’t end up remaining friends with afterwards. I am still friends with the first three boyfriends I ever had. Sex just for sex is…. disgusting. But I haven’t always been who I am now. And… it took me a long time to realise really simple things, like that everyone isn’t so blase about nudity, or any number of strange far-too-sexually-open things from my wierd mom upbringing. I still do really stupid things without realising how they are interpreted.
…….
See… and maybe I’ve been over compensating.
Because…. errrrrg…. your questions…. about “what makes me any different to you” and “what the fuck am I?”….. well, fuck.
You asked.
I…
Overcompesating. Yeah.
My emotions. Towards you. Are often rather overwhelming to me. And by no means fit in the category of friendship. Now, I have no problem with this, because, while this might sound terribly saccharine and cheezy (and I’m sure it does)….. I think it’s rare enough to enjoy someone and care about someone as entirely and intensely as, um, I do towards you…. so… whether or not you have anywhere near the same sort of feelings towards me isn’t the point. I don’t think there’s anything terribly tragic about it. And even if there WERE, I don’t beleive in asking anyone for anything. It should all be freely given. Offered. Not requested. Um.
And not that I get much more affectionate than I am with you. Because, while it’s probably not evident to anyone who hasn’t known me for 10 years, I’m positively ooozing with uncommon displays of real and true ….. um…. trueness. things. towards you. But strangely, I don’t think of you in my head as…. my boyfriend… or someone I’m dating….. honestly, it all sounds so cheap and common.
But…. because I’m afraid that something might…. slide out. …. that some sort of terrible pink electricity might escape from inbetween my words or my eyelids at some unintentional moment….. And that you might notice…. and you might think that I’m going to have some terrible clinging future demanding moment with you (which i wouldn’t do)……
And so I’ve been trying to make sure I keep everything in check and don’t…. cross any lines or fuck anything up.
I’m not really addressing the issue. Really. What makes you different. What are you to me.
I don’t know how.
But…. I must admit, I’m almost shocked, almost disappointed in myself that somehow, in spite of my own attempts to consiously curb any non-friendship colored feelings I might have swirling in my head…. that I’ve not made it ABUNDANTLY clear to you…. inbetween the ferocity of erotic mornings…. squinting cigarettes….. long silences of mutual distraction…. paintings and drawings and conversations…. stupid smiles….
I know I’ve ripped out my laptop and I’ve rambled to people incesasaantly about parts of my life. But those things are all…. external. I don’t SHARE MYSELF…. not…. not the …. I don’t let it be SEEN… not even in the dimmest of lights…. what I’ve …. let you see…. I even lit a few candles for you. I’ve… never given anyone else… what I have you.
And…. I don’t want whatever odd and inappropriate romanic colors I might be painting you with in this long long letter of mine…. to lessen the appreciation I have for you. Even if the strange painful feeling I get sometimes that I’ve been kicked in the center of my chest, like a chi punch to the sterum or something…. even if that went away, and I was the pinnacle of platonic towards you in my insides…. You’d STILL be the most important person in my universe.
I am going to send this to you now. Because you must be done with your cigarette by now and this is just as long as your letter to me and if I don’t stop I’ll either say something worse or erase it all and start from scratch so I’ll just…. send it.
Because I’ve probably said too much. And you can ignore any and all of what I’ve said if it’s…. inappropriate. Or not what you were asking. Or…. just awful.
(this was longer……i cut it down.)
email from Stefan
well……you’re certainly braver than me with your words and….er…..umm…….feelings?
I….had to ask some questions because if even god himself…..opened the gates and said……”come Stefan,you are welcomed and forgivin.”
…….I’d still feel unsure and think he’d rip his face off and really be the antichrist. I guess that example is indicative of how much I hate the world……or myself. boo hoo….whatever.
besides…..god’s not real anyways.
sigh….questions. I question everything.
I just never….ask…..the questions.
I’m full of wonderment…..but feel like I….don’t know anything most of the times.
…..and as abundantly obvious it is that we get along like gangbusters…….for lack of a more worthy term……I’d still feel audacious and egocentric if I just…assumed that……I am different.
Mabye today there is a insecure 16 year old girl inside of me that needed to see it written………..because…….I too……….in my dark and emotionless defensive posture(my social default)….surrprised that you consider me someone that can come to your house….on a whim if I need to flee my surroundings.
I find it hard myself to except that you like me…let alone consider me anything closer. Again…..self issues.
You have to understand the possible complications of inviting people I want to escape from at times…….and you seem to….so…..okay.
…and…..you couldn’t “fuck up” our friendship…..unless you disrespected me in a way that would display you have no reguard for my well being…….or encourage the opposite.
I think all the stuff we’re writing is stuff we can say on the phone…..or……i don’t know.
We’re not shy people…and I’m painfully comfortable talking to you….so…… eh whatever….i’ll keep writing.
We….as far as I think……. have many modes together.
…..and they’re all good.
<roommate>…in his sheltered red-faced tentative state said to me……”so….uhhh…..ten this morning I heard ya guys….geez man.”
…..and I looked at him in eye and said what i said to him the last time………..”We’re good friends.” …….with my emotionless face.
His brain exploded….then he ate a piece of pizza.
……I hate the fact that the men I know…..besides a teeny tiny few……can even somewhat grasp the concept of my friendship with you.
Not that I really explained it to anyone ever……..it’s….our……friendship.
So only two people need to……get it….us.
It’s…..a……grr…god dammit…..i’m loosing words.
…..but……I am……your friend. anyway you want me to be.
…..sit and stare……sit and draw…….drink tasty beverages………seal off a room from light and drape ourselves on eachother and watch movies…………..sit out and smoke cigarettes………………anything.
I like it all…….you cleary get me more than anyone ever has.
and the golden bonus is that you are also a flawless person to me.
broken……perhaps…….but so am i……..my flawless is different.
……our time together is beyond what I’m able to describe…….wich……in my opinion…………….is where our sex comes from.
I feel like I’m explaining how important you are to me when we’re kissing…….and our sex…..well……..I can’t explain what that is to me right now………i get welled up with fury and lust and it’s a platinum bonus that we…..have sex that exceeds any words I can spew out.
so i’ll stop about that……
…..and yes……I’ll jump into trouble for you…….anytime.
…….I will do things for you I wouldn’t for others.
……I am almost scared of the length I’d go.
…….I’ll never let you feel there is a limit.
……I fail as a friend…..if I do.
………..I don’t know if I can ever explain certain things……..and fuck that boyfriend/girlfriend shit……….we are worlds beyond that.
though……refering to me as that by accident or a slip of sorts….wouldn’t make me uncomfortable or mad…….though I doubt you’d say anything like that.
we have a real friendship……unlike most…maybe any….that’s the important thing.
You have yet to see the things I will do for you.
……but the important thing is we’re super friends that are super comfortable with eachothers company.
actual real…..friends…..that respect eachother.
you can say you hate yourself and ache and i’ll come to you while you twinge in bed just so you can know that there is someone in the other room quietly drawing and waiting to talk to you……if you want.
that’s all I care about at the end of the day.
……that you know I’m flesh and blood……and that I am……we are….different.