June 15th 2009
email from Stefan
What is wrong with you.
i was being sarcastic……and not to insult you…..i was just being sarcastic because you have no reason to be offended or to think about any of it.
….and when you first acknowledged my “delete this” statement you said, “you want me to delete that, aw” as if,you barely cared.
You know i have lots of little idiosyncrasies, and whatnot. ….and i do always have little things and problems…..but when and if i want to explain something, i will. ……but when i want a picture deleted, you delete it. In fact, you never post pictures of me without asking….and, i didn;t mind that pic up…..and then, i wanted it down. You want a reason, an explanation……here it is. ….i want it deleted.
If you’re my friend, you don’t have to understand…..you just have to erase it.
You asked me a bunch of questions after i just asked you a tiny question……and you don’t get to ask me anything,and point a flashlight in my face and judge me by trying to filter out the reason with odd questions…….respect my request. the end.
you said ,”But I’m rather hurt and offended that you would make such a ridiculous request”
so….. should i explain how selfish and contradictory this statement is or should i just expect you to know. You think you have the right to call my requests “ridiculous”, KNOWING, I didn’t explain to you the reason……you don’t get to start insulting what I don’t feel like explaining. You, with all your mental , physical , and other oddities ,I’ve taken to respect….all things I understand, and don’t. As you have mine.
You really should not judge me one request you don’t understand or have an answer to……just chill out. I put you before everyone in my life. Don’t get worked up over something so small. I just posted your book link up and i’ll continue to. Now just blow off whatever steam you have to and get back to being my friend. I have weird little requests sometimes. That’s all……not a big deal. Call me when you want to have wacky banter….or just talk.
email from me
It’s the only picture I have of the two of us in my facebook. I DID care.
It was that you didn’t want it in the same SET as the other pictures I’d uploaded. To move it was fine. Which I did right away. That’s what seemed all rather ridiculous.
But now it’s deleted.
And no, I don’t generally question you about things. But when it comes to issues that are about ME, that I somehow caused, like taking down a picture of you because of what I just uploaded…
well,
oh well.
ok.
goodnight.
email from Stefan
i slept for two hours…..in which i had a dream about being so fed up with things I went to newark to buy dope. Then, I woke up and got a call from my mom. I said….”hello?”….and her opening line was…”you didn’t leave me any money.” ….meaning, I forgot to leave 15 dollars for her to get an oil change when she used it. I….flipped on her. ….and now I have to set up and hope I don’t pass out while I tattoo this girl’s foot. My heart is about to leap out. good grief. When it rains,it pours.
email from me
I’m trying to feel better, but my soul is still broken.
I still don’t understand what happened. And ‘i’m not trying to drag it out, but I can’t figure out what went wrong, and I don’t think my brain can really move on until I can understand something.
I was never angry. Nothing in my words was angry. I’m still not sure why… you were so angry on the phone. I’d been removing myself from a conversation you clearly didn’t want to have. I was trying to AVOID pressing a matter that was important and frustrating to me and made clear to be off limits to you.
I was hurt and offended. But I was never angry…. And I really want to understand what ignited you so. The word “ridiculous”? You’ve told me I was being ridiculous countless times. It that really it? Is that really a word that offends so greatly? I meant no offense. You are right, I didn’t know your motive, and can’t comment on that. But I was referring to the action alone, without the reasoning behind it. Your email to me yesterday was somewhat unkind in parts, and I tried to respond as simply and explanatory as possible. I somehow failed.
My suggestion as to motive wasn’t me trying to squeeze information out of you, rather, it seemed to me to be the most logical conclusion at the time (be it wrong or right) and I found it…. disrespectful… that you’d not think I deserved some honesty about your feelings regarding me and my actions… or past associations… or whatever it is.
I trust you implicitly, And will do whatever is requested, with or without explanation. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt sometimes. That it doesn’t still sting to feel i’m not being met with honesty.
You are the most important person in my entire universe.
This wounds me as much as it does you.
I just want to understand.
I’m sorry for writing, but I think you are tattooing and i’m sick and my voice is shot.
I can’t believe that you really comprehend how much you mean to me, or how important you are, or… the terrifying emotional immensity/intensity you strike in me.
When you tell me that we are flawed… that you are reminded of the many faults and imperfections…. that I have done this… if you say there are scars and wounds and things have been tainted in some way… I will indeed feel a physical sensation of a crushing blow to the center of my being, a sharp, terrible, aching pain…. I am filled with a sorrow and terror of the sky caving in… and I cannot stop from sobbing.
To be told such notions… that I have contributed to the destruction of something so resplendent, so significant…. it makes me feel like every webby thread of fascia has been torn from my body and I curl inward like a dying insect.
Perhaps it’s unfair of me to be so emotionally intense regarding my feelings for you.
I’m sorry if that puts you in an unfair postition.
My point here… was trying to possibly convey to you that I do NOT fuck with you, do NOT try to pull your strings, do NOT try to scam information out of you, do NOT want anything of you that you won’t give freely. You mean far too much to me for me to be capable of that.
I do not want to anger you. or offend you.
Or least of all… hurt you.
this isn’t probably very…. cohesive as an email… I fall back and forth asleep…. I’m pretty sick. Even taking cold medicine.
I’m sorry everything isn’t perfect. because this, you and me, if anything in the universe could be, THIS should be perfect
(but i usually think it is as close to perfect that perfect can be)
The way… um. my feelings… so much… um… you….
…… so much it hurts.