September 6th 2009
email from me
Regarding my comment about coming over there…I was just making a point.
There’s always a reason it doesn’t work, the timing is always somehow wrong, or it’s just not even a consideration that i could come by you…. just for a night.
I shouldn’t have. It was stupid. I just get frustrated.
And stupid.
You were already saying you were feeling guilty of things, and that was shitty of me.
I don’t want to have to invite myself over to your place. I don’t want anything that isn’t given freely. After the embarrassing scene of demeaning myself and trying to possibly come by on my way back from Brooklyn, promising I’d not shower… I realised that I probably shouldn’t come over to your house.
I don’t think I can come by you for a few days. Or stay at your place. (Honestly, I’ve got that job in Montclair on Wednesday, the SSI interview on Thursday, so I don’t know if it’d work out)
When last I was there it was awkward, with the not allowed to stay and with the showering downstairs and whatnot. Whenever I’m there, more and more, it’s a nervewracking experience.
It all seems like a rather unreasonable roommate situation to me. but….. you seem to accept these as reasonable gripes, and go out of your way to accomodate them. It’s, I suppose, some sort of pre-arranged deal, or something that (while I’ve never ever ever heard of or experienced ANY sort of difficulty like this in having overnight guests as this- seriously, adults are generally understood to have bed-guests and shower-users on a regular basis- but again, I don’t live there) you’ve determined between the two of you; as the upstairs being your own private attic and don’t like other humans invading. Ok. That’s your deal with him. You’ve deemed his opinions on the matter as an understandable stance. Who am I to rock the boat of agreeable contract between rent-paying roommates?
But I don’t feel welcome there. The longer it goes between allowable visits, the more of an ordeal it becomes, the more the notion of staying there has become increasingly uncomfortable.
You’ve said that everyone there likes me, and that I’m welcome, but night after night, you come to me…. where i live with my things in boxes… with my Aunt who’s passed out on the couch watching the Catholic Channel…. to a town where nothing is going on… and we sit uncomfortably in my sunporch with shitty terrible internet…. without anywhere to draw comfortably…. and you steal away at dawn…. and then we talk on the phone til we can sleep…. often times saying things like “i wish we were hanging out watching TV” or even just today “i wish i could sleep there”.
Please, don’t misunderstand me, your visits are macigal and lovely and make my night fun and awesome…. the fact that you are willing to suffer my bland familial existence is a testament of how awesome a human you are, and how kind for still sharing my company under such circumstances. And I certainly wish you could sleep here.
but.
You’ve got a whole HOUSE… where things are open, and music can be played and there’s a bedroom, and a bed that is meant to fit two people… where it isn’t immoral or unallowed for us to sleep together…. where we can hide in the dark together when the sun rises…
So why are there so many far away wishes at dawn?
It hurts.
And it just furthers my impression of things not being so very cool with my being at your place.
Yes, I know, you have said that “I don’t need to understand the reasons”. But gosh, certain situations are really hard to weather. It’s really difficult. I’m trying to wait things out. I’m trying to be more paitent.
I’m not trying to pigeon hole you into answering something you don’t feel like sharing or justifying to me. I’m just…. sad.
I’m sad. i’m tired of missing you. I’m tired of watching you leave every night, and me wondering why I’m never going with you. just for the night. and then come back the next day. Not trudging a bag of clothes for days, or bringing my laptop. just a night here and there. so we can hang out in PJs and watch Farscape or a Lynch movie for one hidden morning.
We aren’t affectionate or snuggly people. That simple time of just half-asleep-entwined with you is…. missed.
thank you…. thank you for inviting me… I know you do so with kind intentions.
but you hardly ever seem comfortable with my coming there.
and as terrible as it makes me feel that i can’t come by you like you could come by me…
it’d make me feel worse to be invited only because I nagged about it. because I made you feel guilty.
I don’t want you to end up pressured to have me by.
We’ll just both be in uncomfortable situations.
Things just aren’t ideal right now. It sucks. But…
that’s just how it is.
I’ll wait til things are better.
it’s alright.
it’s better to have lots of wanting… an underlying and constant wanting….
than to have too much and take things for granted.
i want.
email from Stefan
It’s not awkward…….it HAS been at times……<Prime Roommate> is just temperamental baby ,at times. It’s in his bitter blood. Please don’t send long mails to me making me constantly think about this. It, really just boils my blood to a unhealthy slurry.
I know you don’t understand it…..I don’t know if you’ve ever had a roommate that spends over a grand a month plus, hundreds on house needs for everyone.So, he does, have clout. He’s a generous son of a bitch, and he gets moody…..but, lately, he knows i don’t care and he’s been much more, whatever,with me. We’ve been getting along better more and more.
He will always complain about things…..that’s just him. I really don’t care that much, and I will have you over. Please don’t feel upset….or reiterate what seems out of my control……it’s not fair for me to have to read this stuff. Will will hang out more…..I miss your company always, and always will….no matter when we hang out or not……when you go…..or I go…..i miss our friendship.
I AM in control of the way I live here, yet also, I just like to get out and drive to see you as well…..you don’t have to believe me. I’m couped in my house as you are yours. I like to escape it. Don’t feel awkward. You are my friend, and justin’s friend….and believe it or not…as much of <Prime Roommate>’s friend as most people he knows. You are allowed at this house. Yes, life is a little slow and wrenchy for both of us right now. …..and you have things to do this week so it isn’t practical for you to come here at this very moment.
Please……just, be happy we’re friends……and that I will make sure we spend time together, no matter where we both are. As you seemed to acknowledge. So…good.
Just…..no more of these,”I know I don’t understand but I’ve never heard of these sort of conditions”, mails. I know you don’t get it.
You not a aging temperamental single man renting a house,spending nearly 1500 a month. Nor am I. ….and really…I, am the one who has to live with him….so..let me do the complaining, when I feel. If you have to say, I’m a sucker…..or, I lay down to him, just not hear him bitch…which was just the case once or twice really, then, just don’t write it…..just, think it. Though, I’m swearing that….that’s not the case. I have my enough problems on my brain all day as it is.
We will spend wonderful time together in the future,…… traveling, doing fun things, exploring, and being happy and productive……I promise that. I will make it happen. I have many plans that I am always working on. I….will always deal with my problems as they come….and not let them get in the way of us seeing eachother a lot…which I demonstrate , pretty clearly.
I really, truly ,have no big excuses…..recently, i’ve felt pent up in here…having trouble sleeping here…..and just going through a overall house issue for myslef or something. Has nothing to do with <Prime Roommate>……or……anything else.
Okay….please, no more bringing his name up about this stuff……it’s not that. I’m not weak. You are are my best friend. Sorry we don’t spend more nights together. We will though. ….i beg you to just believe me and don’t make me have to think about this issue for more than what it is. please? If you think, i’m not in control of my life……I might as well….not be. I want you to believe me. I can handle my issues ,and do.
Lastly,and again…. it has nothing to do with YOUR effect, on the house.Sigh…..geez, i’m gonna have a heart attack….sigh….you know I haven’t slept….and you texting me,and now emailing me….is….too much for me right now. My computer is…..connecting and disconnecting over and over….(it’s kicked me off my messenger actually)……so…..I may call.
You are my best friend. That’s, all you need to know as of now. No conspiracies, no roommate hatred personally on you, just….me, dealing with a moody dude, and my recent abstract house gripes. I can’t think about it anymore right now. I may call you to talk.
phew….that just took a lot out of me. I’m really floppy.