In response to en email sent out to a select few about my mother booting me from her insurance plan while my health declines.
March 8th 2010
email from Stefan
I’m kind of frozen on this. I’m really gonna try and reply to this statement. Hopefully in a way that would sound like as if I’m sitting next to you. I’m really tired and twitchy right now, so I won’t write too much. I don’t want my problems on my mind when I talk to you about yours. That’d be selfish and we both know how annoying that is. (e.g. You’re relatives consistent comparisons of theirs issues to yours…I on your side completely with that stuff,and always have been) I will say this though, it hurts me to know your in pain. That’s one of those things that’s never gonna change. Whether I’m angered at you, or care for you…I’m just always gonna hurt, when I think about you in pain. Sometimes I think of what you go through, and my finger nails dig into the linoleum counter top and I let out a hot tempered sigh of frustration. I do this…quite a bit, and without looking at anything of you online. I don’t think I could handle that stuff. I think about us, enough as it is. I’m also gonna say that I’m in no state of mind to write a real response. I know you didn’t ask for one. Yet, you know…I don’t have it in me to just…stay quiet.
Anyway, I have to drink some coffee ,draw a bit, and do some thinking of my own. When I have my head cleared enough to give a response(or just, an email rather) the respect it deserves, I’ll write again.
It’s really amazing how cantankerous I am these days. I can see it in people’s eyes. They’re afraid to talk to me. I hate to say it, but, I kind of like it. You know what I’m like. You know it was never against you. You let me be that way and counteracted it with smiles and laughter. Aside form the few times I was mean towards you. Okay…this is going on too long. I can’t have all this on my head right now. See, you write twelve words and…I go on a tangent. Fuck.
Anyway…I think of you…blah.
email from me
I… wasn’t trying to poke at you or anything, but I do know and believe that you worry about my health stuff, and it seemed fair to keep you updated with regards to how that’s going, so I included you with the few people I sent that to.
It’s kinda funny. The only person who recognizes how very close to oblivion’s edge I am is the photographer I’ve worked for, and I’ve only met him three times. Regardless of how chipper I try to be, I just ooze pathetic doom to those few who care to recognize it. And he and his girlfriend seem the only ones who do these days.
Sad, really. It’s all just very sad. my needy life.
i hope you find someone to make you smile. I’d like you to be happy whenever possible.
I know you’d like to help me. And that you worry. But… there’s not much anyone can do to help me, really (unless they have a big pile of money to get doctors to fix me and take me away from my family forever).
Especially not the person I wish …. i wish too much for in ways he doesn’t want.
If you’d prefer that i not keep you updated about my health stuff, just let me know. I won’t take offense. It’s difficult to care about someone like me. especially in the position I’m in.
I would still appreciate some answers to those questions of mine that remain, though.
bye.