July 14th 2010
email from Stefan
I almost lost my mind last night. The last two nights actually. I think I’m okay for the moment now.
I wish things were sorted out and handled between us. I wish there weren’t these big lingering issues that we’ve not properly hashed out. I’m still left with so much doubt and anger over things. But, there are new troubles that are taking up my time and making it hard for me to stop and think. And, of course, when we’re hanging out, it’s just nice to relax and enjoy company. Something I don’t get much of. But, I’m a ball of fire when I start thinking.
Anyway…that’s not what I wanted to say, or talk about right now. I can’t handle that topic today.
What I meant to say is…thanks for the Vincent Price toy and the wheel. I wish you wouldn’t spend your money on me. I’m working hard to get myself out of my monetary hole. You know I like to take care of myself. But, thank you. I appreciate it. And I wish you’d let me give you the money for it.
Umm, so…I guess I lost my watch at the sushi house like you suggested. I went to Target and bought another blackish copper watch to throw on, and I got you a watch too. It had the Batman Beyond art on the box, but I saw the face had Batman from the animated Series. And sure enough, so did the band. So…it looks like it could be one of those random items made in a Target sweatshop, so…I got it. It’s also for kids so, it couldn’t fit on my wrist at all. But you should be able to put it on with ease. So, I don’t know about the channel, but it’ll always be the Battime for you now.
Anyway, I have to go to my house to check on my Dad and then do a consult. Maybe even have this guy in to look at the drum kit. Sigh, I fuckin’ overwhelmed right now. My mom better not be crying. I’ll tell her to stop. Anyway, sorry. Bye.
oh, and…
Look at my blog. I pretty much posted that picture of the Kitten for you to look at. Look at his little draped paws.
email from me
Funny. I just finally got the pictures off of my camera and started messing with the kitten pictures just last night. I was gonna upload them today to show you.
But yours is better, I think.
Also, I meant to mention… seeing on your blog that you’d made a new pastel put a big huge happy grin on my face. I smiled and said “… good” outloud.
If you are losing your mind, you DO KNOW that you can call or come by at any time, right? I mean, I can’t make you trust me, that’s something that has to be earned, but if you do at all trust me, you can always call me. There’s no imposition. It’s….
I know you like to take care of things yourself. But… see, the best way I can put it is this. This is silly and cheesy, but… bear with me.
Babylon 5. (i think you might like it, actually. It’s a bit overdramatic, but it’s sci-fi that’s based on intricate plot instead of special effects.) Earth’s government is being taken over by outside influence, Babylon 5 is on the verge of separating from Earth, while battling an evil empire.
That’s… that’s the scene that’s been going through my head. A lot. It… it explains things the way I wish I could. The way I have things in my head.
Um.
July 15th 2010
email from me
I think we should figure out how to go to Berlin for a few years.
I think…. I need to find something to shoot for. I think going to Berlin (with you) might be something to strive for. I think it might be one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. If I get SSI, I can use Kin’s address as my mailing address, and have direct deposit, and use my first settlement to go overseas and live off SSDI while I try to figure out if I could survive there. I know you’d survive anywhere, and I imagine you might thrive in a place like Berlin.
And maybe you don’t want to go there. And maybe I will end up going without you.
I guess that’s part of what I don’t understand about things between us. Because I accept that the future is always totally unknown… that methane could fill the earth and humanity could be doomed. That either of us could die tomorrow. That I could go mad. That my body could break down. That you might decide to hightail it to LA. THat you might meet someone who is everything you wish I was, and better. That we might both need lives where the other can’t follow. That’s why… I don’t understand why we wouldn’t give ourselves to each other while we can. While we are part of each other. While we are both HERE. Because our lives could shift it bizarre and changing ways at any moment. Because our lives are always going to be messy and stressful and chaotic.
People still make long term plans, knowing that they could get hit by a bus tomorrow. There’s always that chance. Things might always go terribly terribly wrong.
But… they might not. We might be ok. And we might end up being permanent fixtures in each other’s existence. And as of my reality as my life is now, as it has been for a few years, and as I can imagine it in the future… You are the one for me. I’d rather plan out my future assuming you might be my partner in this painful/wierd/joyous/struggling adventure of life.
Or at least be able to look back and have the fabulous experience of having shared each other compltely and entirely for a time.
That’s kinda my stance on things.
You probably won’t read this til tomorrow.
email from Stefan
I just read this. I’m not ignoring it. I just don’t know how to respond right now. Things are a bit messy. I took a shot of 100 proof Irish whiskey that night I left your house in a rush. Once I got home from my folks…I was angry, and anxious…I just looked at the bottle on the counter…..and…poured myself a shot and threw it back. I….don’t really understand what happened or what made me do it but I have no time or interest in assessing that situation right now. My mother just went to Atlanta on business for a week so I’m even more worried bout my Dad. I have to stop there all through the week now. And…I’m about to lose a client unless I get this drawing done and email it asap.
Yep…I’m fuckin’ ruined right now. But…I have to try to stay on top of things and trust solely on myself as I’ve done in past times of overwhelming stew being ladled over my head.
Sorry I have nothing nice to say right now. I just…have to deal with my issues alone.
P.S. I watched that clip. It was a good scene. I may even watch the episode. Anyway…I have to get to work and hope I momentarily forget that I have a full deck of problems to sort out. Maybe I’ll watch that episode while I draw.
July 16th 2010
email from me
Babylon 5 is too continuity based to just watch one episode. I think… maybe it’d be nice and comforting, though, if we watched B5 together. Like we used to watch Star Trek? We can watch episodes together, while apart and in bed.
Penn & Teller are fans, and even made an appearance in the extra season. The season finale was SUPPOSED to happen at the end of the fourth season. Or whatever the second to last season was.
Um.
Yes.
So…. wait.
“Sorry I have nothing nice to say right now. I just…have to deal with my issues alone.”
but also:
“I watched that clip. It was a good scene.”
Um.
um……..
See, but you DON’T need to say anything nice. That’s kinda the whole point. No, I can’t solve your big problems. But I can help with the small things. Or, I can just be there to keep you company so that you aren’t trudging through things alone. And I’d like the opportunity to keep from making things worse. I mean, what if I went on a tirade in front of <roommate’s girlfriend> about Mother’s Day, if I’d no idea she’d just had a death? I’d like to not end up doing such emotionally equivalently shitty things to you.
Let me know when you think you might get some breathing room. I decided I’m going to ask Aunt Mary if you and I could have the beach house for a week or so. I thought we could both use it. Fox Fest is coming, and…
y’know, I had planned on asking you to go with me this year. To Fox Fest. I never brought anyone to Fox Fest before. But…
I feel terribly uncomfortable around my family. Because aside from you, I’m pretty much embarrassed of just about everything else in my current life. It makes for really awkward small talk and “whatcha been up to?” from aunts and uncles. I’ve decided that this year, I’m going to go to Fox Fest and pretend you are with me. I’ll keep a small Stefan in my head, and hopefully it’ll keep me from feeling small. Hopefully I’ll have great confidence. Which I do, when I know you’ve got my back. Maybe next year?
Y’know…. I’ve offered before, but if you want company…. I don’t mind hanging out with you, and busying myself while you take care of clients. That’s only a few hours. There’s still drawing-time, and watching-things-time, and just making the banality of every day a little bit better. Maybe we could help keep each other afloat in the midst of life sucking everything dry.
I don’t feel right when… days pass and I don’t connect with you in some small way.
you just appeared. so I’m sending this.
stefan: ?
me: hah.
me: hang on.
stefan: I missed a joke?
me: nope.
me: I was just finishing emailing you.
me: sent.
stefan: oh.
stefan: well….just because I think it’s a good scene and a good message doesn’t mean I think it’s particularly the way for me to deal. Ya know….I agree with it objectively.
stefan: anyway…I don’t want to get into philosophical stuff on gchat.
stefan: I think you know what I mean though.
me: I do.
me: y’know… just maybe think about it.
me: I think I should lend you the laser.
stefan: and…ya know, with problems I have with us right now..it makes things a bit more difficult.
me: It’s terribly painful, but productive.
stefan: I don’t want that thing.
me: It’s really really really painful.
me: I’ve found it theraputic.
me: ha ha
stefan: Unless you think I have unbecoming body hair?
me: christ, no.
me: I think you are lovely as is.
me: quite.
stefan: my eyebrows?
me: me: christ, no.
I thought you’d wanted some sort of laser, if it were free? That you had your own self consious things of some sort?
stefan did not receive your chat.
me: there, I reposted.
stefan: ah
me: your EYEBROWS?
me: No, you’ve got fabulous eyebrows.
stefan: :/
me: No no no.
stefan: hold on one sec.
me: }:/
me: that’s how you should emoticon youself.
stefan: is that Aku?
stefan: }8D
stefan: }8{
stefan: I don’t knwo.
me: yes, but he needs a tongue.
me: }8{~
me: }B[~
me: does Aku have a nose?
stefan: ]-O-[ TIE FIGHTER
me: ummmm…
stefan: ]-o-[
stefan: ?
stefan: aku has a shih tzu nose
me: (|=)B
me: Your nuisiance.
And we continue to IM online daily and talk on the phone at dawn.