October 9th 2010
email from Stefan
Okay…three weeks ago you proposed that you’d like to have me as your date to the wedding and it could maybe be a good thing, or possibly something I shouldn’t take part in so as to help the “letting go of each other process”. I personally don’t think there is ANYTHING that I can do to lessen the blow of missing you so whether we see each other or not, I don’t notice massive differences in how much I think of you or not. Some days I don’t, sometimes if I busy myself a lot, a while will go by without thinking. But, when I think…usually you come to mind at some point in the day. I think it’s still very fresh and normal. It hurts. I dream about us. It’s not easy on me. Maybe, it never will be. But I digress.
About the wedding. I wanted to go. I thought it’d be fun. I wanted to see you in a dress. I don’t care if your hair was hitting the floor, or shaved off with one ice cream swirl pink tuft on the left side of your head.
I started playing it out in my head. I’m still pissed about certain things. I still think certain things have not been explained and that you have relations and outlooks that I don’t understand or know about. This would be bad for the wedding. You’d have to see <Vermont Friend’s Brother>. You’d be talking to him and looking at him and well…okay. But you know I have a problem with the way things played out. Maybe one day I won’t. But if I know I have stored anger that would possibly come out there, well…that made me think I may ruin your friends wedding for you. I sadly, have a horrid vision that you got fairly close to him at the wedding and I’d rather not think about it. But, that’s your people. I wanted to go with you, and drive around New England antiquing and eating local foods and just walking around with you, but I have anger. Jealously. Confusion. You really don’t know what I go through.
I didn’t want my issues to ruin or even complicate <Vermont Friend>’s wedding. And, because I care about you…I decided I shouldn’t go. I’m too passionate about this topic. I’m telling you Rachael, I would’ve been angry. I’m always angry. I’m angry every time I think about what we’ve become.
As much as I could “keep my cool” most days, writing this is making my blood pump hot & hard so I’m gonna stop writing so I could focus. I have to work, then I may go out with <The Brother>.
I haven’t begun to address my thoughts, but while I had time to write a bit, I wanted to explain my thoughts on the wedding. And that it’s probably not what you thought. I hate myself for knowing how I’d feel, but I knew that if I really cared about you, I’d stay away. It’s all too fresh.
I have to try and relax, I’m really fuckin’ worked up right now. I get angry real easy from all of this.
October 11th 2010
email from Stefan
Well…I was going to resume my explanations of things, but I couldn’t concentrate on writing because <roommate> was screaming at the TV over football. After I calmly asked him to relax a few times, he looked at me and said “I’m watching football & I’m gonna fuckin’ yell about fuckin’ football!” Well…I didn’t like that. I smashed the window, grabbed the TV and threatened to break it over him. This was a long time coming. He got scared. I told him & Jenn to shut up and get away from me. So naturally, I’m in no condition to write. I’m trying, and I can’t get a break.
I told you I had no more time or concern to pour into you. You began popping your head into my view with medical advice and we made our way onto the phone. I started thinking about you more again.
You asked me to please reread things. I did.
You also said you desperately care about my feelings. I assume, you meant that.
If I am wasting my time and any of my assumptions may be true, and you just wanted to get my attention so that you, could tell me how you’ve no more time for ME, tell me…so I’m not writing for no reason. Otherwise, I’ll continue to try and find words to explain things.
Now, I have to go clean up glass. I’ve already slit my fingers 3 times.
email from me
Regarding the wedding, that’s rather exactly what I did think was your reasoning, actually. You’d said as much.
Maybe, you could determine why you have such an issue with the fact that I made out with <Vermont Friend’s Brother>. I mean, you’ve slept with <Your Friend’s Cousin>, and you’d described her in less than flattering ways to me; told me that she’s got minimal importance to you. If I’m to believe that, why must you compare yourself to someone I didn’t sleep with?
I’d proposed that we be exclusive and romantic, and you told me we were friends and that sex had no bearing on what you saw as our bond. Since I moved to New Providence, we’d been intimate maybe four times, you preferring to not spend the night when my Aunt was gone, nor inviting me to your house. At every angle, our sexual relationship has seemed to take a backseat to you.
So why do you have feelings of anger and jealousy?
I’d explained to <Vermont Friend>… that I’d wanted to bring you, but that I’d fooled around with <Vermont Friend’s Brother>, and that you’d not wanted to be where you’d see him. She’d said “I don’t understand what the big deal is. I thought you guys weren’t exclusive. I thought that was the whole point.”
Exactly.
Do you understand how this could be entirely too confusing for me? That you’d recoil from being romantic and sexual partners with me, tell me how little it mattered that you’d been with someone else, repeatedly tell me that we were friends…. and yet… you still react so negatively to my having fooled around with someone after you turned me down and told me to assume you were with other women?
Maybe, my giving-you-my-heart letter makes more sense to you now? Maybe… much like my initial knee jerk reaction to your AC trip that suddenly struck me … maybe being actually faced with the reality of my being with someone else has instilled in you a reaction you didn’t know you had inside you?
I cannot be what we were. Not knowing that you might be sexual with someone else. It seems, neither can you. Otherwise, you’d be my date at <vermont Friend>’s wedding, I guess.
Maybe you might understand… if going to the wedding would bring these issues up for you…
maybe you’d understand that …
What hurt me is that I’d been feeling so close to you for so long, and having what I thought was a conversation of rare exposure and of explosive emotion when we were intimate…. and then found that crucial part of our relationship (the part where I revealed myself to you emotionally/physically with the physical) was dying away… and was told that you didn’t want to be romantic with me, and I then discovered that it hadn’t been a conversation of flesh at all, but just me talking to myself, while you still pursued other women.
So having you come by and visiting, having phone conversations at dawn, doing everything that used to be … well, it ends up making me….(like you)… filled with jealousy and confusion.
With me, it’s tears instead of anger. But I’ve still no idea, and no right to know if when you leave my side you go to some other woman’s house. And i’ve no reason to assume you don’t. You’d no problem doing so when everything was awesome between us, and we were in daily contact, and I was your favorite person, and I thought we told each other everything a person could be told.
You still wanted someone else when you had me.
I don’t. I can’t. I’d no desire to be with anyone but you, when you were in my life. I’ve only been physical with someone else to try and break your hold on my heart. I thought it’d be GOOD for me to move on since you didn’t WANT me that way. I thought it would help me heal. <Vermont Friend’s Brother> is someone that I have a past with. I don’t have any romantic or sexual attraction towards him, and haven’t for a decade, but he and I know each other well. We are comfortable with each other. He is very much my family.
Are you wasting your time writing to me? I will read whatever you write to me. I will try to understand. Anything that you could explain about how you feel and why would be appreciated. Perhaps it might help me heal. Perhaps we might even be close again.
But…
I can’t be part of a close relationship with you if I’m to be told that I’m most important, but that there’s others. That I’m so important, but you’ll maintain relationships with others and not tell me.
I can’t be part of a relationship where things like being able to tattoo or paint where you like (or a hundred different minor roommate issues) are reasons over which you’d told me you’d willingly and instantly move out – yet you’ll sit by and let a bully rule over whether you can have overnight guests in your own bedroom. You’d been spending 4 days a week at my place before you moved in to your house. Shouldn’t the notion of me being able to come by your house have been understood? It doesn’t matter what issues <Prime Roommate> has, or how he phrased it. That’s not acceptable roommate demands. Not to anybody. My company, being close and intimate with me wasn’t worth what other household freedoms and comforts were. Nobody can make you do something you truly don’t want to do. Perhaps it became a comfortable barrier of your personal life you didn’t have to maintain yourself? Regardless, it’s wrecked me, and really made me question my worth to you.
For three years you’ve lived somewhere that I’m not welcome. You’d renewed that lease twice. Actions are more than words, you say.
You’ve kept me at a convenient distance.
And it all lives on and resurfaces every time you come by, and spend the evening watching the clock. And I watch you driving away, while I spend another week, another month, another season without those small quiet sleepy intimate moments that were immeasurably important to me. Moments that I thought were a whispered part of a romantic conversation that it seems never happened.
Thank you, though. While I’m in no position to be really romantically involved with anyone right now, I do at least understand something about myself. If I ever feel for anyone again, I want to be partners. Equal partners. Someone with whom I can strip totally psychologically naked, someone who will know more about me than anyone else ever could, and who will do the same in return, in overwhelming love and without judgement or shame.
The person I wanted that with was you. I thought I had it.
I will continue to be social, and hope to convince my heart of what my head already knows. Maybe then we can be the sort of friends you thought we were all along. Without my writing love letters between the lines (and between the sheets) it won’t ever be as close as we were, though.
I hope that by re-reading things you might have seen that I’d not been yelling or insulting you, but just trying to explain how I feel and why.
When I’d looked back at our correspondences with that in mind, knowing that you looked at every word of my emotional pain as a sword carving the word “MONSTER” into your forehead, it made all the sudden angry turns and words of furious fire from you make much more sense.
Thank you also… for instilling in me a sense of demanding respect from others. I’m a stronger person because of you.
I look forward to your words.
Enjoy your Halloween season.
By the way.
I wasn’t trying to get you off track, or steal your thunder, or talk over you.
But you did ask if you were wasting your time or not, and if I wanted to hear what you had to say. And of course, I do. I would like to hear what you have to say. I care about your feelings. I care about your perspective. I have time to listen.
But I’m also trying to rebuild myself, and I’ve started the process. It’d be nice if you were there when I was whole again, but I’m not sure things will work out that way. I was just trying to explain that.
email from Stefan
Well, I was thinking after telling you I just threw a cup threw a window and threatened my roomates with blood pumping, you wouldn’t give me your “you’re a coward with your roomates speech again, completely disregarding my feelings and seemingly almost encoraging more anger, but…okay. You don’t need to write that, and i’d tried to explain it, but you apparently think writing it over and over will make some kind of change. You also must have missed the whole , “I reread almost 50 emails” part. Do you think I don’t know your take on that by now? And with <Vermont Friend’s Brother>. The fact that you explain comfortable sex partner as “family” is not vernacular I’m familiar with or comfortable with. Sorry. But I also won’t laugh at it. And I’m sorry you think fooling around with people you’re not attracted to shouldn’t be confusing to me…but it is. And you telling <Vermont Friend>, and her casual “what,s the big deal?” response only highlights how little you understand why I said what bothers me is the way things played out. It’s also painfully insulting to tell me you’d tell her that, knowing I’m not there to defend my reasons & feelings as if they’re unjustified and one dimensional. I told you not going was hard,it’s not a joke to shrug off as, “oh whatever”. She’s his brother and you have a sexual past with him…don’t be so quick to think either of you could understand anything I feel about it. You should have more consoideration than that. I guess that , “I desperately care about your feelings” line was what, an email decoration? And for the last time…if you keep reminding me that I said <My Friend’s Cousin> is unimportant to me, I’m gonna keep telling you how you call your people you’re sexually comfortable with “family” and untractive crackheads. That’s a waste of our breath and you disagree…but you seem to enjoy the tennis. Forget that nonsense. Stop. Listen. And don’t be so quick to copy and paste the same case when you worked to make me reconsider your feelings and sobbed to me on the phone when I said I was done with you. Now, you’re wearing me thin. Stop telling me how tough you are with a bitchy assertive attitude and have appreciation and respect for the fact that I have been devoting time to making sense of this. I’ll drop the whole thing & and give up this second if you’re just planning on attacking me with the same things over & over. I’m being nice, and reminding you that you sobbed on the phone with me pleading to go to therapy with you…after I said no more. I don’t need the “you treated me like shit and that made me tough” routine. You have a long way to go to understand what I am, what I’ve been to you, and what my feelings are…I don’t need the attitude. Especially when I’m trying to filter through what seems like a billion emails of insults from everything to the way I look & talk, to the way I work and perform in bed. It’s pretty depressing and hard to see it as yiu say it is, but I’m at least trying. I just told you I’m in angry shambles and have been slicing my fingers digging glass out of carpet (which I have to have reinstalled for god knows how much this week)…and just wanted a “yes, if you keep writing…I’ll keep reading”. Not for you to rewrite everything I’ve told you I read over and over. Christ. Did you reel me back in to slap me around and talk to me like I’m a bafoon, or do you actually want to try and unearth something important? In fact…never mind. I can’t read anything else from your tears to tyrant attitude. I’m not telling you it’s not legit, I’m just telling you I can’t handle it right now. Especially when you so obviously don’t have any problems ignoring what I said I was currently dealing with at the moment. I was just looking for a conformation that you were reading my words that I’ve agreed to give you. I’ll write what I want. Read it if you choose. Or erase it. You still could make me so angry. I don’t even know what “rebuiling” yourself means. Nor do I know what “becoming whole again” means…but if it’s good for you, then I hope you do it. And as complicated as things are, and no matter how much you angered me, I never would turn you down…if you needed my help. And that phrase goes to the grave no matter how much shit you think I talk. If part of your rebuilding process is talking down to me as much as possible, then fine. I’ll just fade away if you want to rebuild yourself in your new social circle. I don’t need to be baited, then tossed back. Figure it out. And now…I just got that other email and it seems you do care what I write. Now I wana edit this email and I fuckin’ feel bad now…ugh..I’m sending it anyway. it’s better you realize what your words do to me, rather than edit them after. It’s nice to feel terrible and unstable everyday. Sigh…how do you not see how you confuse me? That’s also a rhetorical question. Again, I’ll probably just keep writing. Erase it, read it…whatever you want. I need a cigarette to get my brain off these finger slits. They sting.
October 15th 2010
email from Stefan
Alright. I’ll try to answer a few things before I get into any work and lose my night to aggravation and such.
I’ll say this first so I could try and move on to more substantial issues.
I know you’ll always be friends with <Vermont Friend’s Brother>, and have a connection with him. You talk about the 15 year relationship with him as if time is what builds bonds. So, understand that under those circumstances, I’ve no chance at feeling as important. Or as desirable. May sound stupid to you. May even sound stupid to me…but these are the feelings I have at times.
So….okay, you’ll always care about him and be his friend and all that stuff. I understand that.
I’ve known <My Friend’s Cousin>’s cousin <chick> and her cousin by association <Friend> for about 14 years. I’ve only known her for a few. She’s been nice to me. As long as she’s nice to me, I don’t mind calling her a friend. I didn’t strive to tell you how worthless she was to me. I told you she has no effect on my life. In fact, when I told you that, she pissed me off a bit at one of <Friend>’s gatherings and I made it clear to her. I also was very clear about others things to her. Okay. Since then, she apologized, and as long as she(or anyone else) doesn’t mouth off to me for no reason, I could find a way to get along with them. She’s family to <Friend>, and I’ve know <Friend>, as long as you’ve known <Vermont Friend’s Brother>…so I try to keep things cohesive with people if I can. You’ve said <Vermont Friend’s Brother> is <Vermont Friend>’s brother, as if that justifies connections as well. Okay…I can feel myself getting bored with this topic…I’m nearly over it and accept the connection you have with him. It will innately get a reaction from me though.
Next, you told me you pulled him into your bed and fooled around with him, you then say “all I did was make out with him”. Okay, that’s you lightening what you said, so don’t say it’s asymmetrical and contradictory when you don’t know what I think and are so quick to always admit, that you don’t fully understand.
And, I’ll be offended all I want by you and <Vermont Friend> even pretending you could understand what I would be feeling. She is his brother. What else would anyone expect her to say but…”I don’t get it…..and….I thought that…..” I mean, <Vermont Friend> and I couldn’t be anymore polar opposite to understand each others personal feelings. The difference is, I understand that. She, as far as you described….doesn’t…and judged me. I like <Vermont Friend>. So you don’t need to go into defending her….I’m just saying I don’t like what you explained. Or how you explained it. It sounded like I was a jerk or a joke or something, and wasn’t entitled to have feelings. I don’t know. It hurt. Somehow. If I’m not allowed those feelings well then, okay.
When I write this I feel like I’m somewhat forced to and feel like you have drove things into the ground, but…I still find it important to try and explain my views. Does that mean anything to you?
I am friends with some exes. I just barely talk to them because we don’t live anywhere near each other. I’d rather you not start that up. I didn’t have sex with any of my best friend’s sisters, and if I did…I wouldn’t expect them to be cool with it. So…please, before you stand me up against what you think is fine, then accuse me of being judgmental or contradictory, understand our views come from different planets as far as that sort of thing is concerned. I also don’t and didn’t date anyone that was in my immediate friend circle. You, have explained to me that you’ve had sexual relationships with nearly everyone in your friend circle, or at least have hooked up with nearly everyone you’ve every spoke about or say you know. We have different views on that. Most of your friends, are your exes. It’s different, and don’t write the tidal wave of explanation on that topic. We just disagree on that stuff. Okay? No need to do the back & forth on that too. So just don’t say, “maybe if yo were like me, you’d understand” stuff. That doesn’t mean anything but you think you are more right, than I am.
Again, you say and make it out, as though I think sex was casual, when…I told you ( a ba-gillion times) that when I met you, you weren’t a kid. You were already who you were. And the first video you ever sent me was of a girl pushing cum out of her asshole into her mouth. Match that with you almost smugly telling me how you had crazy car sex with some random guy that you were “the other woman” for, then replied…”hey dude, no big deal….it’s just sex.” Also, the praising of yourself by quoting other people’s opinions of your “sex skills” while we were in bed. There’s about 20 other clear examples. I mean, how many times could I explain to you that YOU, installed the “sex isn’t important” factor in me. I now…understand much more of what you say you have come to think. But again, you can’t just….lift that sort of shit out of someone’s head. It takes time.
I won’t spend any time getting into the lease stuff. That was a situation I was slightly trapped in and it had NOTHING to do with me accepting you not being welcome. I’m not gonna waste time explaining that anymore.
It’s both sad and amazing how guilty I feel when i have feelings over this stuff. Like you installed a guilt chip in me when I feel like I’m even slightly hurt. So…that’s part of why I built up a defense wall about all this stuff. And ratherr tan feel upset, I just get pissed, and want to be alone.
I do feel like whenever you explain things….you have all of your sides covered and I’m left to be called every name in the book. So, yeah…I feel like you’re talking down to me. And as much as you don’t believe it…it hurts me. So, I need to protect myself. And, I’m making attempts to get it. I didn’t re-read a ton of emails for nothing.
I’m trying to give you some answers and insight. I hope this helps. In fact, I hope one day I can prove that fortune cookie true to you. I like to think that one day the animosity I have will vaporize and we can go somewhere together and discover truly what we can accomplish artistically.
Anyway, I’m gonna go work or something. I’m not even sure if you’ll read this. I’m barely sure of what I just wrote. I feel locked in a daze of conflicting emotions. I feel like I’ve said this all before. One thing is for certain, I don’t know what you’re thinking…and you sure do a great job of making me feel the same.
I hope this discourse is all for something good. Whether it be private clarity as we inevitably drift apart, or to one day sooner or later, to bring us back.
email from me
you told me you pulled him into your bed
Nope. Never said it. Never happened. We sat next to each other on my bed.
My actual questions remain unanswered:
How is it that you’d told me how inconsequential your sexual habits are to what you and I are to each other, how little that has to do with what we are to each other, how what we do when we’re apart is our own business, and refuse to be exclusive sexual partners with me, turn down my offer of love….. and yet have a reaction of anger and jealousy when I make out with someone?
As does the question of why you’d have slept with me after I explained to you my romantic feelings towards you, and asked you to not touch me unless you were willing to be part of that.
I won’t spend any time getting into the lease stuff. That was a situation I was slightly trapped in and it had NOTHING to do with me accepting you not being welcome.
But you did. I wasn’t welcome there, and you did accept it as part of your living there. I visited your home thrice yearly, each time feeling less and less welcome, and you continued renew your lease. Twice. That is acceptance.
I’m not gonna waste time explaining that anymore.
Then I suppose I’ll continue feeling the same way about it.
… and we can go somewhere together and discover truly what we can accomplish artistically.
artistically?
…..really.
I’ve got to take my heart elsewhere, I suppose.
October 16th 2010
email from Stefan
You really don’t hold even basic comprehension skills. You don’t read. You don’t understand. You’re a fuckin brick wall. You did a bang up job of ignoring all the evidence of how you represneted yourself, and again deny things you’ve told me. It makes so much sense how in every single issue you’ve ever had with a relatioship or a family memeber, you tell it as you’re the victim. Come to think of it, I don’t think i’ve ever heard you admit to anything…ever’ where you were even partially wrong. take your heart where ever you want. You spread that heart so thin on everyone you know, what was left for me was very clear. And yeah, you didn’t say anything. You’re an inocent angel. Bullshit. You know nothing. Really. Absolutely nothing. All you have done is insult every single drop of who I am. And I have the pages to prove it in front of anyone if you want to say your “read between all the bold literal insults” for the good nonsense to them. You’re going to take your heart elsewhere? Good fuckin grief.
Email from me
You’ve just called me a “shitty person” and “disgusting”.
I didn’t pull him onto my bed. It simply didn’t happen. I didn’t and wouldn’t say it.
I didn’t deny that my actions were interpreted by you the way they were. You’ve made that point very clear. You’ve said that many times. I know your explanation for that.
I don’t know your explanation for remaining in a house for 3 years that I wasn’t welcome in… or why you can justify your own sexual activities as inconsequential, reject my offers of partnership and romance, but react with anger and jealousy when I am physical with someone myself… or why you continued a sexual relationship with me once I explained that my feelings towards you were romantic and NOT what you’d been led to believe?
I simply restated and asked the same questions I’ve been asking all along. Questions that you appear to be incapable of answering. And seemingly always will be.
email from Stefan
The reason my house situation was complicated and deeper than I felt like explaining is because I owed <Prime Roommate> money not once, not twice…but three times. All three times, when I got the money to pay him back. I spent it on you for groceries once, because you said you were broke and in tears another time when I gave you some cash, and the third time for the bike. I had no idea if I would even have my rent paid. He had every right to be pissed at me. He even covered my ass a few times since. I admitted to him that doing whatever I could for you was something I swore to do and was my top priority. He made a rude comment, and me and I flipped on him. I nearly got to blows with him. That’s just the beginning. You know don’t anything about what I’ve sacrificed for you.
I can’t write anymore right now. You fuckin’ kill me. And I just went out for a cigarette and they left a glass bowl out with weed in it on the outside table for the forth time. Our landlord has been showing up to check the landscaping and gutters so it can be a definite problem. I’m gonna flip on them again tomorrow. I have nothing but problems. I’m tired of everything and being a constant joke to everyone. Goodnight. Enjoy your vacation.
email from me
You continue to accuse me of having hooked up with most of my friends. I can explain again and again to you that most (if not all) of the friend-fooling around happened between the ages of 16 and 20. It wasn’t most of my friends. But most of the people I’ve dated or fooled around with are people i was friends with first. The reasons I get romantically or physically involved with a friend is usually because I like them better than most others. It’s for that same reason that the few friends I’ve kept up with are people I’ve dated. The romance didn’t work out, but they are still people I feel more connected to than most. Maybe it’s true that those few I’m still friends with are people i’ve been with. But if you took a list of only those people I’d befriended from the past 10 years, There’d be… one friend I’d been physcial with, and seven people I’d “dated” who weren’t previously friends. It’s just that my social circle has withered and died from being cooped up so much for the past few years, and those few remained are the oldest closest friends.
A more accurate statement would be that most of my friends are people I’ve known since I was a teenager.
Time. If you want to look at your time with me as opposed to <Vermont Friend’s Brother>’s and judge it that way, then understand that I saw <Vermont Friend’s Brother> twice breifly between 2003-2009, and spoke to him on the phone maybe 4 times. In 1996, there was a 6 month period of time where we were hanging out daily with the rest of our friends. After that, it was random and rarely.
The time actually spent together deems you the winner by far. It’s not about being closer. It’s not about being the “winner”. Someone like <Car Dude> might not be someone you’d choose to befriend if you’d only just met him, but he’s a valuable friend. There’s something about having witnessed a large chunk of someone’s personal history, especially those transformative years of highschool, that makes a lasting and comfortable friend.
I’m being held to task for being unappreciative regarding things you never told me about.
It still doesn’t explain why you’d stay in that situation for 3 years. You’ve now decided to not resign the lease, and have started saving up money to leave. This is something you could have done a year ago. or two. I’m asking why now, and not then?
You’ve been in a situation that forces you do things you don’t want. I don’t understand why some factors are worth moving out for, but having me over your house a 10th (at best) the amount that you visited me isn’t. You have listed to me dozens of instances due to which you’d move out in one week’s time if whatever sort of currently threatened comfort, freedom, and/or enjoyment were impinged upon. If I am to believe that you spoke truth all those times, that I have to believe that my being welcome in your home is not as important.
Regardless of words spoken between you, fights you’d had, stress it caused, you still stayed in a living environment for years which wasn’t friendly to my presence, and complied to those extreme wishes even when it brought our sharing intimate moments to almost nothing. That’s what happened. This isn’t wild accusation. This is me, once again, trying to determine how important I am and what our physical relationship meant to you.
You’d said that there was no exclusivity between us. Why did you not bother to tell the best friend you contacted daily (and with whom you were sleeping with without protection) that you were having a sexual relationship with someone else? Ok maybe you’d not want to be coming right out and exposing that you were sexual with someone, but why would you conceal that you had someone n your life who you liked enough to be with physically? And why would you have such a severe reaction to my minor communication with her?
If you’ve told me again and again how distasteful you find getting involved with your friend circle, what was <Your Friend’s Cousin>? I don’t have any issue the the girl, or you being friends with her. I like her. I think it’s probably not a wise move on your part to be physically invovled with people who are obviously into you, if you do not reciprocate. Me, <Your Friend’s Cousin>, or anyone else. It hurts and confuses people.
If you felt that you were within your rights to sleep with someone else while we were immersed in each other, then why do you feel it was wrong for me to fool around with someone while we were hardly talking, when you made it clear that we were not exclusive, and after you told me you didn’t want that kind of relationship with me? I’m asking you to explain to me how this isn’t a double standard.
If you believed that I thought very little of our sexual relationship and didn’t have romantic feelings towards you, fine. But why would you continue sleeping with me when I made it clear that I wanted a romance with you, and that continuing to be intimate with you would hurt me immeasurably?
I’ve asked these same questions, all questions about how YOU feel about things, and trying to understand your perspective in matters that I don’t understand, and feel like double standards.
You see my explanations of how things effected me as slander against you. You accuse me of not caring about how you feel, but then when I ask, you see my questions as interrogation. You seem to think that you explaining how you feel (and why) about the chaos that has gone on between us or the past year is doing me some sort of favor.
I don’t think it matters anymore.
email from Stefan
I think talking about or explaining is doing you a favor? Umm…whatever you say.
I final being to explain why my house situation was very much because how much I cared for you. And instead of saying anything nice about it, or to try and understand the complications it could cause, you just say, “I’m being held to task for being unappreciative regarding things you never told me about”. No. I’m not scolding you. I’m trying to explain things are deeper than you get. And I was avoiding implementing you in any reasons for my issues here. But of course, you say nothing to acknowledge the good side of that.
You can’t use the word “accuse”. Pick a topic or characteristic of mine and I’ll show you at least three pages of incontrovertible examples of straight insults & bashing you rained on me. Stuff, no one….would argue with. Except you of course.
You think asking me questions and not reading answers is proof of you “caring about how I feel”. That’s a joke. A joke on me. It’s been for a while. I’m done.
I don’t care that you hooked up with <Vermont Friend’s Brother> anymore. In fact, you made it clear he’s in your back pocket for a hook up whenever the comforting mood strikes. It’s probably nice to have that.
I don’t care about your mystery vaca you keep clearly alluding to, but I assume it’s pointing to the “rebuilding “yourself into your next character to get whoever else will be falling fall your woes and squeezing themselves dry of every resource they can muster, only to be told they’re despicable in every sense of the word. Ya know…like you did to me. Like the things <Mutual Friend>, <The Brother>, and you’re friends and family have all said. That are identical explanations. I was the one person who didn’t think you were stringing me and lying. I guess I was a fool to be the one person to believe your troubles. I cared more than you’ll ever know. And…you don’t know. And now as a cherry on top….you get to act high and mighty about so many things…..and spring into action to do so many things.
Maybe that last paragraph is bullshit, but what am I suppose to think. That everyone’s wrong. I’ve been defending you for years. Years.
You know how to get my attention with tears when I tell you to leave me alone, and you know how to turn me away when I want to talk. You mind fuck me. Congrats. I hope your talent takes you far.
I’m almost done with The Moral Landscape. It’s nice that I can’t even read a book now without thinking of you just trying to come up with ways to make me feel like shit.
You really expect me to notice a “I love you” in a raging sea of “fuck you”s. You put all of your energy into bashing me. Someone loving me. Imagine that. You’ve showed me how unlovable I am.
You’re just a liar Rachael. And apparently I was the ONE person who believed you. Guess the joke’s on me.
email from me
You always get angry and stop responding when you can’t answer my simple and direct questions.
All those things you claim that I’ve done that are so offensive, things everyone would agree with you on – I suggest to see a therapist together, where you could present these things, and someone could make me understand all these things you say are so very clear….. but you say no. Perhaps you don’t really beleive it.
I ask you questions, I ask you so I can understand. You reply with insults and fury. You avoid answering.
You’ve hurt me today, when I was only asking.
Read our last two letters to each other again. It’s just questions. Questions I was hoping you could answer for me, since you’d decided to explain how you felt about things. What hurtful words were in mine? And compare that. How many things did you write to me, just to hurt me and make me feel alone?
It’s sad. It’s sad how angry you are, and how easy it is for you to have visions of betrayal. It’s sad how willing you are to pass those feelings on.