July 3rd
email from me
ok.
So…
Let me put it this way.
What I thought we were, isn’t what we were. And the same for you. But we still cared about each other more than we care about people, right?
Right?
See, it wasn’t just about the sex. (please bear with me, this is an apology) It was that I thought… we told each other everything, and I thought that… I really did think that we were a devoted pair. Sexually and emotionally. I thought we were complete partners in life. I thought that we didn’t have a label, not because we were not a romantic pair, but because we were so much MORE. I thought that part of our relationship (whatever you want to call it) was telling each other everything that was going on with us. I thought we were… naked to each other. And that was immeasurably important to me.
Do try to understand. For months, since I’d moved, I’d been desperately missing our private time together. Not just for sex’s sake. But the movie watching at dawn. The getting to sleep all tangled in our PJs together. For about six months time, we only spent maybe 3 nights together. You didn’t want me at your house. You didn’t stay at my place when my Aunt was away. And it was during then that you slept with someone else. It wasn’t just that you had sex. That’s really NOT that important. It was that… I hadn’t known. You hadn’t told me. You’d avoided any contact I might have with her.
And it shattered everything that I’d thought.
Me asking you if you’d be romantic and monogamous with me was, I thought, rather a formality. I thought, given the nature of our friendship, that there wasn’t any question. I thought that, being each other’s most important person, that you’d have told me if you just didn’t want to sleep with me. If that wasn’t important to you. If you’d wanted to be sexual with others. I thought you’d tell me.
And it was naive of me to think that… you had the same notions in your head that I did. That you felt our being intimate had the same emotional importance as it did to me.
And… you’ve been my only human for so long. That’s… a lot of pressure. Confining, I’d imagine. Especially the tragic quality of my life these past few months, I’m not surprised you’d want something… to yourself.
But… being my only human, and the most important thing in my universe, everything that I’d thought came crashing down. It really did hurt me more than … well, anything. That’s not to say that it’s your fault. You certainly didn’t set out to do so. You never would set out to hurt me.
But at that moment, from my perspective, everything between us was false.
(but also, that’s not to say that you weren’t, in some ways, less than forthcoming when you perhaps should have been)
I went … a bit crazy. I mean, there’s some external factors involved. The Lyme Disease, which literally fucks with your head, your mood, your cognition. There’s my own sad life getting sadder, and depending on you even more than I ever had as my lifeline (which wasn’t fair to do to you). But… I went a bit crazy. I was completely alone, and didn’t know what to do. I was hurt and bleeding and feeling more emotional pain than I ever had, all while becoming more isolated from my worsening health.
And I did some really shitty things. Said and wrote some shitty things.
And I hurt you.
And I fucked up any trust you had in me.
And I know you don’t trust easily.
And I know you don’t give your trust lightly.
And I know that was… a cruel thing to do
(well, I know all that now. I didn’t then. I was just hurt, and not even lashing out, not even TRYING to hurt you, just… agonizing and confused and not knowing what was REAL and just howling at the world in maddening pain. I really wasn’t trying to besmirch your name or anything, I was just… alone and screaming at anyone who’d hear me. I’m sorry.)
My trust in you has been scarred. You said and did some shitty things, too.
But even in that…
Well, here’s the most important thing I have to say:
Why is it so hard to believe that you were different from the very very beginning? Why is it difficult to think that even that first night you spent at my house, I was thrown by how drawn to you I was? Why is it impossible to consider that… we might be more suited for one another, more well matched, more perfectly paired than anything I could possibly have even dreamt of? Do I need to break it down and quantify it? How many people will find an enjoyable evening in sitting quietly next to each other drawing and internet browsing while watching something educational? Will prefer doing that to spending a night out at a bar? Will watch Spider with me and know what I’m loving and seeing in very single shot of aesthetic perfection? Will understand the difficulty in just getting out of bed and facing life every day? Will understand the difficulty in making plans? Will understand how unnatural it is to wake at dawn instead of going to bed? Will find more joy and glee in someone drawing a picture for them than anything money could buy? Will understand why one clings to the small joys in life so desperately? Will understand that pride that strums a chord of childhood in seeing your dad play in front of others? Will understand that important relationship between dad and music appreciation? Will understand and see what makes things like Columbo, and The Prisoner, so much better than anything people fawn over now? Will think of each other in the myriad of small ways that we think of each other every day? Can understand and appreciate the perfection of childhood joy and purity, while fully understanding the dirty and unkind world that surrounds us? How many people will talk on the phone at 7am, til sleep feels close? How many people can pose each other about, covering each other in various substances and fabrics for the sake of taking a photograph at 4am? Understands how Chuck Jones is more amazing than everything CGI ever made put together? How many people understand that crushing pressure of needing to be better? How many people understand sitting quietly and listening for the footsteps of others to leave to finally feel comfortable leaving your room, not wanting to face another human? How many people would, or have, cast aside their own self-preservation for the sake of each other as we have? Each of us have spent the last of our funds for the sake of making the other happy (your amounts clearly eclipsing mine) in some trivial and brief way more often than most people would ever dare consider. How many people understand what it is to be damaged – are damaged in different enough ways to complement each other, but similar enough ways to understand the pain? I could go on and on and on and on.Make a venn diagram of each of these traits. And more. And what kind of cross section of the population do you think you’ll come up with?And then add to that… the fact that we are both chemically atypical. Both born with defects. And imagine what that’s done to our outlooks, our psychiatric selves. The effect of psychology on brain chemistry and brain chemistry on psychology. And there’s the very VERY real possibility that we are more properly chemically attuned to one another than anyone. Add to that the fact that…. you’ve been there for me in ways that nobody else has. You’ve extended your generosity beyond, and haven’t demanded tribute of demeaning appreciation the way most people do. That you understand the meaning of a quiet thank you. That you understand the awkwardness of being given a gift, and how hard it is to know how to react sometimes. Given all of this, why is it even slightly hard to believe that I might feel a connection with you that surpasses anything I ever felt possible? That I care for you more deeply and profoundly than I’ve ever felt? That when I touch you, ever single appreciation that I can’t speak, or even write, comes pouring out of me physically? That for the first time, I can actually FEEL the experience of emotion that sex is so often referred to as a metaphor of?
I wanted you to know that. That THIS is how I think of you. This is how I think of you all the time. This is what I try to convey (thought in less wordy and specific terms) to those closest to me when I describe you. This is the most important part of my private blog posts.
And maybe it’s a bad idea for us to be more than platonic. Ok. Fine. Probably is.
I give up.
I just want to try again.
Without the past.
Without expectation.
I care too much to just let you go.
Can we try again?
Knowing that we both… we BOTH are going to have to deserve each other’s trust, earn each other’s trust…. knowing that we both are wounded… knowing that we both need to explain ourselves far better than we had if we are ever going to be close again…. knowing that we are both a bit crazy and both a bit difficult… knowing that we can’t have a physical relationship together without it involving my heart being swept away into romantic relationship land.
And yeah, you came to this conclusion a long time ago; that we needed to hang out and enjoy each other. But… I think the patterns in our lives were still too much the same for my brain to try and start fresh. Things were too similar, the cast of characters still exactly the same, and it was just words that made it different.
But our lives are structured differently now.
And I don’t like my life without you in it.
When i see you next, whenever that is, whatever the circumstances…
I’ll smile and hug you.
And be happy to see you.
Because I miss you.
July 5th
email from me
Not that … there’s anything to be done.
and you’ve already helped me and advised me. (when you didn’t have to)
but my hearing is Thursday at noon.
Somehow, I thought you might appreciate knowing that.
July 6th
email from Stefan
I can’t write much because my mouth is in throbbing pain from a cracked wisdom tooth. The earache is making me experience a slight vertigo..ish feeling. It’s terrible. I’ll be (for the first time) calling the number on the back of my United Health Care community plan card and looking for a oral surgeon. I have a feeling I’ll be paying a copay regardless…..but maybe I’ll get lucky. And…I’ll just get painkillers from anywhere if they don’t help me there either. I may track down some painkillers tomorrow if this doesn’t let up or if my appointment won’t be for a few days……because….this is insane.
I didn’t ignore your email. I read it. I liked it. I’ll read it again as soon as I get some relief and am in a better mood. I will respond to it when I’m not writhing.
I hope Thursday turns out in your favor. Let me know the outcome.
I have lay down now.
July 6th 2011
email from me
If you do get your wisdom teeth removed, you’ll need someone to drive you home and stuff. They won’t release you otherwise, or let you take a cab. I’ve been through this situation enough to know how much it sucks. I volunteer to be your sick person companion. You’ll need someone to drive you home, get you food, and pick up the prescriptions that they don’t give you until you are leaving in a daze.
I’ll hang out and watch movies with you if you want. Or leave you fully stocked. Either way.
You’ve done it for me enough times that you needn’t feel in my debt whatsoever; it’d not be a favor, it’d be reciprocating.
It might be a nice quiet way to spend new time together? eh.
And we are back to intermittently IMing and phone calling every few days.