January 2nd
At the Chiller horror convention in a T-shirt that reads “I PREFER D CUPS & B MOVIES” with the actress from Evil Dead II. [IG]
I bought a signed 8X10.
(I asked her to sign it to “Fox, like the animal”, but the loudness of the convention floor paired with my Jersey accent led her to sign it to “Hawks”)
Her movie pose and my T-shirt brings him to these self-portraits from 2005 covered in Chanel lipstick. [flickr]
Her face with my eyes, our poses combined. [IG]
January 6th
On New Years Eve, I’d posted this old childhood photograph [IG]
which brings him to these childhood Halloween photos.
The star on my cheek appears on the robot, my friends become the other girls. The drawing style and subject matter is borrowed from the pattern of my overalls. The photograph is tinted so the ink wash matches the reddish color of my New Years pants. [fb]
Six days apart.
Faces combined. [fb]
The pins on his hat inspire the chain pulleys, his nose ring makes for nostril hooks, his shirt provides the orange for the square of color behind the head, the drool matching the color of the wall behind us.
January 12th
He redraws the child-eating birthday cake. [fb]
January 28th
In early January, I ended things with the young man I was dating. He didn’t believe men and women should be friends, started stalking my male friends online, and questioned my fidelity. This inspired me, on January 18th, to repost this self portrait from when Stefan and I were splitting, and added some commentary. [IG]
Ten days later, Stefan posted the following images [IG]
My tears freeze him in place, turn him to stone. He used a photograph he’d taken of me [flickr] with a photo I’d taken at a Halloween party in 2006 [flickr]
The blue tint and fingernails from the Halloween photo.
(HOW DID I NOT RECOGNIZE MY FACE?!?!)
I had also reposted this self-portrait [IG] on January 18th, with the caption:
Cold, shivering, exposed and vulnerable, lower than dirt, curled inward, seeking shelter from the frigid autumn rain under the sparse protection of what you thought was love, but is bare and gnarled and covered in thorns sharp enough to make you bleeeeeed.
🥀🍂 #photography #brokenheart #cheated
Ten days later, Stefan posted a new version of our wounded selves in an embrace, based on these classy photos of me from the summer of 2017, keeping the pink.
The bag heads matching the wooden table. The eyes blue like the couch. His shorts matching the grass and the fence of my heartbreak photograph [IG]
I get a stupid tattoo on New Years Eve, and ask Stefan how to get rid of it.
February 18th
Green-haired images from December 2019 [IG]
This selfie [IG]
reminds him of this older Halloween selfie [IG] in front of the same door from 2017.
And then to this auto upload.
He combines the slicked back Spike hair with ringlets on top and down the middle like my green curls, colors pulled from my colorful winter coat, the collar inspired by my sweater. [IG]
These colors.
February 24th
One month prior. Andrea Romano [IG] the three quarter profile and gripping hand
brings him to this old phone pic I’d sent him in 2007 [flickr]
which brings him to other photographs from 2007. (Stefan’s camera had dropped and been run over by a car, so I made him a new “Cannon Elf”)
My shiny eyes, his flower pot held to the head with a belt like his own, the Canon Elf’s legs make the nose (is that why the clown noses became long?!), the purple heart from the color of my pants, Andrea’s ear, the stars on the collar, the strange tendrils of hair, the hint of a star around the eye. [IG]
March 3rd
Two weeks prior, I repost photos of Genesis P-Orridge from 2011 [fb]
which brings him to a photograph of me in a similar stance and seemingly downturned eyes from May of 2013 [flickr]
which brings him to other photographs I’d taken in May of 2013.
My dippy hairdo and eye makeup, an ear of meat [flickr], Genesis’ platinum plated teeth, a chubby child at a convention in Asbury Park [flickr], and an ornate Asbury Park window for the green [flickr].
April 13th
One month prior, I’d posted myself in winter garb. [IG]
I’d also uploaded photos of the three people I was most often told I looked like in my 20s. [fb]
The three images combined leads him to a smoking portrait of me from 2011.
The headphone cat ears make the bow, the zipper face mask inspires the skull face. [IG]
The smoking glamour shot…
brings him back to this shot from the Florida art exhibition.
For another skull head cheesecake drawing. [IG]
May 4th
We’d not spoken much in the past six months or so. Stefan reaches out again about the tattoo machine.
May 8th
One month prior. [fb] Stefan colors his old Killer Klown drawing (that represented me) with similar hair to match the blue/green hair and bright orange/pink background of my selfie. [IG]
He has always reposted his previous work, but the less I post new content, the more he reposts older work. I can’t always follow his logic with his reposts – I suspect it’s often just his mood or current personal thought patterns, but sometimes the correlations stand out.
Repost.
On April 7th, I’d posted this [IG] prompting him to repost an older drawing of his one month later [IG]
Repost.
On April 29th I’d posted a video of Patrick McGoohan breaking through a window in a spectacular way [IG] prompting Stefan to repost an older drawing [IG]
Repost.
On April 21st I’d posted myself in the bath [IG] prompting Stefan to repost my foot he’d previously drawn [IG]
Also on April 21st I’d posted myself eating takeout in the bath [IG] Stefan reposts my toothy grin behind his S, the shape of which is reminiscent of the soft shelled crab I’m munching on [IG]
May 10th
Repost.
I post a long wordless opening to an episode of Danger Man, the last scene of which where someone is drowned [IG] Stefan reposts a big face painting [IG]
May – September
Months of instagram voice and text messages back and forth between us.
September 21st
I post a photo of Colin wearing makeup on the anniversary of his death on May 5th. [IG]
Which brings Stefan to this 90’s photo of my old best friend with Colin taken that same night. [IG]
The bluegreen of the shorts taken from the lettering on one of the playbills behind Colin’s portrait
A close up on the male face, now wearing lipstick, like Colin in the photo. The figure being held without breasts, like Colin in her arms.
October 1st
He must have forgotten to log in?
Or maybe that’s when I had to change my password?
October 3rd
I’d posted this to my art account in January, but he left his comments in October. [IG]
He’s right of course. It is one of my best. I did my best work with or in reaction to him. We made each other better artists. Both of us grew by leaps and bounds during our time together. But egad man, don’t expect a positive reaction to complimenting me on my depiction of the emotional anguish caused by your rejection.
If I only knew… if I only fucking knew.
Anyway.
He combines the crying image with this bespectacled ginger photo of me near it in the [flickr] feed
The yellow of my backdrop, the spiral book binding like my braid. [IG]
His eyes are weeping mouths.
October 9th
Images posted/reposted to facebook August 30th-October 4th:
My bedridden days in 2009 [fb]
Facial asymmetry documentation [fb]
A cartoon of my cousin [fb]
tanning on my roof [fb]
Documenting the ongoing mold battle with my landlord [fb]
Walking through my neighborhood [fb]
Being compared to Delia Dietz of Beetlejuice [fb]
The bra and skin with spots of mold, the black hair and lipstick from my cousin, the headband from Delia, the headband pattern from my sheets, the blonde from me, etc. [fb]
October 17th
Stefan sends me more random deer photos.
October 18th-19th
October 20th
November 14th
January 21st I post my profile with my cat against my nose [IG]
He finds a poorly shot outtake uploaded from September 2016 with the end of my nose cut off, the hint of a Fox ornament hanging in the background below my chin, similar to my cat.
The same color palette, the hair styles combined, the material of my top replicated for the mask, my eyepatch strap as the mask strap, the cropping of my nose dictating the roman shape of his drawing’s nose [IG]
November 21st
Stefan.
missing message.
Me.
Stefan.
November 25th
A month prior, I repost to [IG] photos of the statues in Newark Penn Station for which my mother and I were cast as models, her extended arm
leads him to our photoshoot in my Aunt’s basement.
The brown paper on the door used as the bag head, the blue green stripe on the door replicated, the shoulders, the eye peering through, the veiny hands. [IG]
I also posted the art class making the statues [IG]
My extreme grin brings him to a photo of 7th grade me, showing off my new braces.
[IG]
My bearing teeth brings him to this [fb] post from April.
In the same [fb] photos folder as chomping me is this childhood photo with hand in my mouth [fb]
Kid me with a hand in my mouth and adult chomping me brings him to this photo of a family event from 2009 [IG]
Next to chomping me in the photos folder [fb] is this avatar [fb] from April.
under which I’d posted a drawing of me by Yao Xiao
He combines them. [IG]
Continuing with the kids making faces and bright orange, he turns back to these [flickr] Fox Fest photos. (He loves drawing this kid.)
Another monster kid funny face. [IG]
The color and design of the Fox Fest shirts inspiring the pattern of the shirt, the blue shadows from his blue collar shirt, the pink from the pink pants of the girl sitting near him, skull earrings from the two old people sitting on either side of him.
November 25th
Three days prior I post a still from the film The Last Laugh [IG]
which brings Stefan to this autoupload from the WFMU fundrasier in March 2018.
and others uploaded that same two weeks:
The hat derived from the paper hat and braids mixed with my eyepatch, the pointing hands like my own, the clown makeup and ruffle from the Joker card in my mirror, the same ear, the same hair curls, the colors all repurposed.
These colors:
[IG]
November 29th
I ask him to send me art.
December 1st
The post-Stefan boyfriend and I broke up two years prior, and here I am telling Stefan that I’d only just considered that he’d painted me in his works. sheesh.
I’m a goddamn blind fool. In so many ways.
December 10th
September I save to Flickr a panning video of my shitty landlord’s attempt to remove mold
followed by photographs of my cat’s belly and back legs now covered in hives.
He posts a panning video of his dogs belly and back legs [IG]
December 21st-22nd
We both speak of our own sicknesses and family dynamics. I suggest we apply for Disabled housing together, somewhere new.
Stefan.
Me.
Stefan.
Me.
Stefan.
Me.
One month prior, I [fb] post a Chris Ware book, damaged in the post
which leads him to these diagonal stripes of color with an ochre background from October 2019.
The same diagonal stripes of color also brings him this childhood flickr photo with a shirt of similar pattern.
He replicates the ancient TV behind me. Using the silhouetted faces in profile, the people in the distance looking like a hand. The pink highlight in the tent coloring the power plug, the distant background color dictating the TV background and rug colors. The Human Nature magazine becomes a TV Guide about Domestic Violence. The cover of my damaged comic book becomes a bottle and bowl of popcorn. The plastic dolls weird feet dictate the odd backwards looking shoes on his drawing. [IG]
The television with elements from my tablecloth.
December 27th
November 30th, I post this tiny portrait of Peter Cushing [IG]
December 4th, I post a window of my apartment [IG]
December 22nd, I post the birthday presents I bought myself. [IG]
December 23rd, I post the growing veins on my forehead
The bright colors of my window and the lines up my forehead reminds Stefan of grocery shopping on our last Halloween, with lines of blood going up his forehead in the brightly lit and colorful aisles.
[IG]
This plant on the windowsill provides the color of the clown shirt.
My forehead veins remain, the red rectangle from the grocery basket, the hair tendrils from the window plants. The small heads on the spine of one of my books inspiring the small clown heads on the shirt of his drawing.
Stefan and I speak about my shitty birthday and my cat suddenly having seizures, which turns into a conversation about life, sleep, addiction.
December 31st
Two weeks prior. Gratuitous sexual objectification of men on General Hospital with a figure with black hair in a squatting stance [IG]
which leads Stefan to this photograph I’d taken in 2009.
The slightly exposed midrif, the bent posture, the creepy hand, the dark blue background like water matching the dark blue in the General Hospital wall. [IG]
