January 23rd 2018
email from me
OK. I need your advice.
<ex-Boyfriend> has an old friend of his from back when they were squatters together. I mention this because they’ve both lived rough in abandoned buildings and shit. The friend, <Rough Guy>, had a history of having a heroin problem, but was supposedly clean for ten years or something. Three years ago, his girlfriend of ten years left him and went on tour with <famous musician>. He’s not been able to get his shit together since then. He’s not had a stable place to live for long since then, either. For over a year, when he’s had difficulties, <ex-Boyfriend> has offered him a place to stay with us. He’s always refused, and found other lodgings. That is, until now.
It’s weird timing, as <ex-Boyfriend> and I were planning to move in separate bedrooms, but the smaller bedroom, where <ex-Boyfriend> has his office, is where the attic space is that acts as our guest loft bed. But whatever. <ex-Boyfriend> and I are both of the mind that if we can offer any of our friends a place to stay when they are in need, we would like to help. I’m fine with postponing my move to that room.
From the second <Rough Guy>n walked in the door, there is nothing about this guy that doesn’t scream “junkie”. His teeth are rotting out of his head. He’s super skinny but his face is weirdly puffy. He avoids eye contact most of the time. Some nights he said he was sleeping at the bar he works in, and would then show up at 10am, go straight to the attic, and stay up there for 15 hours at a stretch. <ex-Boyfriend> would be sitting on the couch watching TV, and <Rough Guy> would still go right up to the attic, but then I’d here him watching shit on his phone until 3am.
He told us that his previous apartment in Brooklyn went bad when he came home one day to find it locked shut by the marshalls, and that he’d been paying the leaseholder rent, who then pocketed the rent and skipped town. But…. if the guy skipped town, wouldn’t that have been a heads up? It’s not like someone knows exactly what day the marshals are coming to lock shut your doors.
He went all the way into Brooklyn from Jersey City just to see if he was needed at work, then came back, two hours later. He couldn’t call? One night he left at 5am and didn’t come back for a day. He claimed he couldn’t sleep. When he did finally return, he smelled like a homeless person. Like, you’d get off the bus if someone smelled the way he smelled.
A told <ex-Boyfriend> I was concerned about <Rough Guy> doing dope. <ex-Boyfriend>e explained away the sleeping all day as easily being from depression, or living partially on the streets.
<Rough Guy> continued to look like shit. For days, he said he thought he was coming down with the flu. I ordered us some food, he said he would like soup, but when it arrived, he’d changed his mind.
On Saturday, while <ex-Boyfriend> was at work, he told me he was worried, that he kept waking up more sick. At this point, I was pretty fucking convinced he was sick from withdrawal, but I wasn’t going to point that out because it occurred to me that he’d not left the apartment in two days, and maybe he was taking advantage of the fact that he’s got a safe place to live with people who’d help him through it, and decided to kick. I didn’t want to embarrass the guy. he asked me to show him how to do his laundry in our building. I did. “It shouldn’t take long, right? Like 20 minutes?” he asked.
Half an hour later, he checked on his laundry. He came back upstairs. He told me “I’m in a bit of a pickle. My IDs are back at my old place. I really need them. But my laundry still have 40 minutes to go. Would my stuff be cool if I left it in there?”
“You can’t wait 40 minutes?”
“Well, the guy is reaching out, and I feel like I have to go there now.”
“Yeah, that’s ok.”
“Can you call me a car to get to Journal Square?”
So I did. He couldn’t even walk the mile to the PATH.
He told me he’d buy us dinner when he got back in two hours. I went up to the attic and found an orange hypo cap, and a bunch of cigarette filters cut in half.
Meanwhile, I was emailing all of this to <ex-Boyfriend>, who continued to explain it away. Until I found the cap. “that doesn’t mean he’s shooting in our apartment.” he replied. So I went back up and found paper towels with blood on them in a plastic bag,
It took <Rough Guy> five hours to come back, with a coffee in his hand and chipper as fuck. He immediately went back upstairs.
So yesterday, he went for a walk with <Rough Guy>. I told <ex-Boyfriend> to make sure he understands that we will totally let him stay and kick and help him through it and everything, but if he’s shooting up here, he can’t stay. I don’t want someone that desperate in my house. We don’t know if his story about his last living place is legit.
They came back from their walk, <Rough Guy> had clearly been crying. <ex-Boyfriend> had me come out and chat, and <Rough Guy> explained that three weeks ago he’d had a relapse, but it was a one time thing. The hypo cap must have fallen out of his pocket when he was in the attic. It was clear that <ex-Boyfriend> had bought this bullshit story, so I just sat there listening. <Rough Guy> also said that he’d been sponsoring someone, and had also told his sponsor about his relapse, and that his sponsor said that he could pretend that one time didn’t happen and continue on his clean streak, which was almost at six years. That shit doesn’t happen that way, does it?! When you are in AA or NA or whatever, they don’t let you gloss by a relapse, they make you start at 0 like everyone else, right?! I think that’s waaaay bullshit.
I asked him about the fact that he left his ID at his old place for some reason and the guy who owned the place made him come there and wouldn’t wait 40 minutes, but his explanation got side tracked and there was never any real explanation. I forgot to mention the filters I’d seen.
He explained the blood by saying that he had an open ulcer in his leg from when he was shooting up years ago and it had never healed. His ankle was all bandaged up.
<ex-Boyfriend> and <Rough Guy> went out to have another cigarette, and I was so fucking frustrated that I went back up to the attic, found a pack of cigarettes with a filter cut in half, grabbed the filer, and came back down. When I had a moment to speak to <ex-Boyfriend> alone, I told him that <Rough Guy> was full of shit, and I showed him the filter.
I get that the first reaction is always going to be to deny deny deny. I don’t want to scare this guy away. I’d like to help him. But he’s clearly full of shit.
<ex-Boyfriend> has written to a mutual friend who I think was <Rough Guy>’s sponsor, and ask him if he knows about any drug use.
I guess he’s waiting to mention the filters.
<ex-Boyfriend> clearly wants to give his friend the benefit of the doubt, and he thinks I might be jumping the gun. I think he’s being naive, and waaaay too accomodating.
How do I be kind without being stupid?
What should I do in this situation?
I don’t want to make <ex-Boyfriend> throw his friend out in the cold. I don’t want to be a dick to his friend, who is clearly struggling in life. But I didn’t go out last weekend because he’ll be here alone, and that’s not how I want to live; not to mention fearing if he’ll die in my attic.
Now he’ll be more cautious about leaving stuff around upstairs, which will make it even more difficult to catch him again, which is basically the only thing that will convince <ex-Boyfriend>, it seems.
WTF am I supposed to do?
email from Stefan
Well, before you said you found the cap, I thought you were buying it too and was gonna say He’s clearly using. But you already know that.
The ONLY way his sponsor would say to keep a relapse quiet is if they relapsed together, or he’s just lying.
I swear, even at my worst, doing 2 bricks a day, 100 bags a day, hustling three to four hundred dollars a day between tattooing and scamming, I still was so careful about how I did things. But, that’s just me. And that was after my relapse when I had ten years of being together and a healthy adult who grew up. I was a functioning addict the second time around to the outside eye. The few people I told didn’t even believe me because I have my teeth and don’t have scabs and whatnot. But, it still ruins everything. I, still robbed myself of years of conquering my demons. Or at least keeping them at bay.
Everyone’s different. Most people turn super sloppy, look like shit, and can’t be trusted next to a penny that’s not there’s just doing a few bags a day.
But, yeah. You’re clearly seeing <ex-Boyfriend> buy his stories. I get he’s embarrassed to admit things. But, if he can’t be honest with his buddy, he’s just gonna keep lying.
And Yeah, all the stories. His living situation, the laundry, the not being able to walk, it’s all lies. I have plenty of experience being a professional liar. That’s why I hustle hard when I use. So I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.
He’s not gonna kick there since he already has his new cave to dwell in. And his lies are working. So, he has no urge to be honest.
I understand his situation completely. And, Maybe he’s a cool dude…But, he can’t be trusted. And now he’s got a free ride.
I mean, he won’t even respect your apartment. Leaving bloody shit around. That’s like the fuck everything, low tolerance zombie nodding kind of junkie. Which is why he hides constantly. He knows how he is. And doesn’t wanna get caught.
You can’t be worried about hurting his feelings. It’s your apartment. If you’re uncomfortable with him there. He’s gotta go.
He hasn’t leveled with you, he’s disrespecting your space, he lying to <ex-Boyfriend>. And you’re suppose to deal with being stressed and worried about leaving him alone there. No.
And if he’s the leave shit around type. Who knows, he might kick off there one day. I had to deal with talking to cops and paramedics for a friend who died while sitting in the tub after an OD when I said a thousand times to my friend to not let him get comfortable and stay over.
Trust me, you don’t wanna be in that position. We had to call 911 ,unscrew the vents to hide all of our shit and just act like we were drunk and he locked himself in the bathroom. But, like I said, you don’t wanna have to deal with anything like that.
Just, take a stand. Don’t be concerned about feelings. You got enough to worry about.
Besides, he may have warrants and shit and using your place to dodge the pigs.
I’ve been in this situation AS a junkie when i had my apartment in Lodi and I didn’t even wanna deal with it. I guess cause I had my own place and worked while I was getting high, I was like, I can’t have these fuckers leeching off me or stealing the shit I earned. Friends or not. So, I stopped letting people crash by me.
But, it was my place alone so I had no problem kicking people out.
But, you always told me, I gave you some backbone you didn’t know you had in you. So, I’m just reminding you again… don’t ever be uncomfortable where you live if you don’t have to be.
You know how it works.
I don’t know if that helped, but that’s my take on it.