May 14th 2010
email from me
I hope your day went fabulously.
I can’t sleep. I mean, I did sleep, but I woke up after 2 hours, and I’ve not been able to get back to sleep.
errrrgggggggg…. um…..
This email is not angry or annoyed or accusatory at all. I might bring up topics of frustration, but please, I’m really very happy to have you in my life. I love the presence of you.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to…. but my head won’t shut up, you see.
ok. This really truly isn’t what I was trying to get at last night. I really didn’t think that I would ever want or need to know…
But.
I think I might have to ask you who it was that you were with while we were involved with each other, and if it was a regular thing. It’s not that I …. It’s not that I really want to know. But I’d imagine that I might end up in situations where I interact with more of your friends at some point…. and I think…. I think the idea that there’s a chance I might meet someone(s?) who was with you while I was in your life…. and who knows that fact…. while I don’t…. and that I could be ignorantly and blindly interacting with that person(s?) at some point…. well, I think that possibility is more than I can handle.
I just keep picturing myself meeting some random friend of yours, saying hello and shaking hands and being my usual over friendly self, and all the while not knowing that you’d been with this person while I was sitting in Ocean Grove wistfully hoping my best friend might stop by. And she’d know, and you’d know, while I didn’t. I’d be the fool.
It’s actually that exact sort of scenario that made me feel I had to tell you about my hooking up. I’d waffled as to whether it was right to tell you; if it had just been a case of me wanting to purge my guilt in a selfish way or not. I knew I wanted you to know more about me than anyone, but I considered that maybe it was my cross of guilt to bear, if confessing would do nothing but hurt you. But in the end… the notion that, remote as it might be, that you and he might end up meeting again somewhere, and the idea that he’d know something that you didn’t, something that occurred while I’d known you… well, that seemed fundamentally wrong.
It’s not… I mean, I’m friends with people I’ve been with, seriously or casually. You know that. I have no issue with being friends with people with whom there was sexual interaction. And again, we’d no contract or conversation, so no, there was no “cheating”, so it’s not like I’m going to get bitchy at her or something. I just think it’s different to remain in the dark like that, which is really difficult for me.
I don’t want to be… kept purposely apart from whomever this might be. That’s not the point, y’know? I don’t want to not meet your friends. That won’t change it. I’d have no problem interacting with someone you’d been with. If I just end up perpetually not meeting your friends, it will just make me paranoid, and wondering, and sad. It won’t save me the discomfort. And… wouldn’t it be easier on you? Less stress about it being accidentally revealed?
I’m sure you understand the fact that my head doesn’t stop asking and doing things that i’d rather it not do. I really hope you understand how much I don’t want to be asking such things. I hope you know I’d like to not be doing this.
Gosh, I don’t want to be upsetting you. I don’t. I really don’t.
God, I don’t.
Pleeeeaaaase don’t see this as interrogation. You can understand my perspective in this, can’t you?
Every day…. every single day when I go to bed… every day that things are still not quite right (or very much not right), every morning I go to bed and I just dream of Ocean Grove days. I wish I didn’t have to know that those times weren’t…. weren’t exactly what I thought.
I know, and I understand what you mean about things seeming to regress and get worse. But… Y’know, we’d started talking, left a lot of things unresolved, and meanwhile, started hanging out. It’s a weird sort of tag team of things going on. So we hang out, enjoy each other, and then the unresolved parts we haven’t gotten to seep out when we least expect it in ways we weren’t predicting. And once I confessed to you about my fooling around, that became a lot of the focus of our discussions, while what got us weird in the first place has sort of fallen to the side. I guess that’s why it seems so out of left field with me asking you questions last night, and I’m sorry if I came on far too strong. I just feel like if we bury things before properly killing them we will have living dead zombie issues that creep up and eat our brains when we aren’t expecting. Which I think is what’s been happening with us lately, actually.
But I really really really don’t think things are getting worse. I think they are getting better. But sometimes, it hurts more before things actually heal. I feel like we are still cutting away at the gangrene bits. It’s mostly all carved out and discarded… but there’s still some rotten bits that cling, and those last few bits are small, but deep deep deep in the flesh. It hurts more to get at it. But it’s…. better. And we’ll end up with super sexy legs.
Until this summer, we never ever had issues. Never. We spent days and days together and hours of conversation almost daily without a problem for years. I WILL NOT believe that there’s now parts of our personality and outlook that are suddenly revealed to show us incompatible and incapable of being fucking AWESOME together. That doesn’t make sense. I think it’s just the other stuff seeping out where it doesn’t belong.
Once I moved to New Providence, the wierdness of my only visiting your house once every two months started to wear…. and for the first time the notion of our physical relationship, which no longer had a place to flourish, became an issue. I started to really miss you, the physical comfort of you, even though you came by so wonderfully often. The physical was the expression of the romantic, and so without that…. it all started to hurt and feel lonely.
When we are free, we are fine. When we have a place to be what we are, we work fabulously. We are learning how to be the awesome we were under far different circumstances than we were. It’s rocky. But it’s happening.
(and, by the way, I never meant to imply that you couldn’t come over to my Aunt’s house at all. I just thought that things should be more 50/50; that I want to escape from my house as much as you do from yours. You were really amazing with bringing me by your house last weekend, and I can’t tell you enough how beautiful a time I had.)
And…. I’ve been brainstorming and hunting for money ideas. Just because… I keep thinking that I want to make enough money so that ….. maybe I could bring us somewhere.
Maybe you could just not feel the constant pressure for a little while. Maybe you could get to spend just a week of time without thinking of bills and hustling if I could be swimming in money. Just enough to let you breathe and be without constantly thinking about the crunch. My incentive for being financially stable and successful is…. you.
Which is ridiculous really, since I know how you are the supporter of most around you. Including me. But I want you to feel free.
I loved talking to you this morning. I really did. I really can’t express how much I enjoy you. I just don’t see there being a possibility that you and I aren’t going to be fabulous together. Things are weird right now, and we both have issues. But…. I don’t know… we have been too good together to not be together? I sorta don’t see an alternative. I have never been this close, this devoted, this head-over-heels, this comfortable, this seemlessly fitting with, this sexually struck by, this attracted to, this entirely possessed by anyone even a FRACTION as much as I am by you.
If you’ll have me, if you want me, I’ll keep trying forever and ever in bigger and grander ways. I know I cannot erase the past, but I can certainly drown it and dwarf it with the massive force of giant fabulous sticky events of joy.
I know this is long and rambly, and I’m really crazed from lack of sleep these past few days, and I know last night was rough.
So. When we see each other, or when we speak next…. Whenever you feel you’ve the oomph to discuss this sort of stuff, let me know. I’ve drained your time too much lately.
IT THUNDERS!!!! WHEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEE!!!
email from Stefan
I’m sure that responding to this email will result in long winded misinterpretation, as you rightly pointed out can often happen. So, because I agree with that we’ll talk about this on phone or in person. I will say though, you’ve no need to say sorry, or preface with telling me your inquiry isn’t accusatory. But, you do realize when I said to you ,”Here we go with the questions you were inevitably leading up to”…I wasn’t kidding. Now, after you shout, “look, I’m not asking for names, times, or places…”, now…you are. I was right. You want answers. What will you say next that I have the right to keep to myself, then tell me if I do…you’re gone. You again, have conditions I have to lay down to in order to have you in my life or I lose you. Even though your heart is true, and you’re not feeling powerful or happy about such topics. You really do call the shots. I only say that because I’ve never requested a single thing out of you, nor demanded an answer to anything you haven’t willingly brought up to me. This communication has done nothing but make me feel like I have to answer to you, (which…we both know perfectly well is a function I don’t believe in), has made me frustrated and trapped, and worst of all…has nearly crippled my artistic productivity. I’ve pretty much not been able to sit down and draw a whole picture because of this.This is having a profound affect on my psyche. I haven’t left my house since I drove back home from yours. Not once. You must understand, no matter how you look at this…you’ve been the one to create this opposition and quite simply are saying to me, “Look Stefan…we’re gonna do this my way, or I walk. But, don’t worry…it’ll be fabulous.” Sometimes I feel like you just don’t accept me for who/what I am. I’ve come down on your character and told you I’m upset and against things you’ve done and speak out about…but I’ve never said once, “Do,tell, and act this way with me or I’m gone”. That’s…in my opinion, the proof of how I’ve not judged you. Disagreeing with someone’s choices in even the most polarized ways, doesn’t mean you’re judging them. Sometimes it just means you have a brain of your own.Nothing you’ve ever said to me stopped me from giving all I could to you, being there all I could for you, and being affectionate with you. But, you again…have new conditions, new questions that I told you you’d ask, that you swore you wouldn’t. And, here we are.
Now,that’s as much as I’ll let myself write, I think that should give you a good idea into what I’m thinking before we talk. Maybe we can cut to the meat of it all. I’ll tell you things, even though there isn’t much to tell. But, I can’t promise you it won’t make me angry that I’m answering to you…it’s a default reaction that again, you know I don’t believe in or take to very well from my conditioning and lifestyle. There are things to talk about.
Now, having said that, I know you feel how you feel and so do I. We think differently and I’m sure care for each other in nearly mirrored ways. I don’t blame you for wanting to know anything and everything but it doesn’t make it easier one way or the other. Of course I want to talk to you and glad we had a cigarette from a distance together this morning. I don’t see your email as interrogation, I just see it as proof that neither of us know what you’ll propose to me next. It’s tough, and fills me with anxiety.
Okay, I have to work now…and again tomorrow. I hope you meet <The Brother> in the city to see Metropolis tomorrow. It will be awesome no doubt.
Talk to you (with voices) later.
May 15th 2010
email from me
Ok.
We shall talk about this with words. Because words are good.
I must say that I’m… a bit surprised at your take on my controlling the situation… I mean… honestly, as far as I have seen it, you’d called all the shots.
Yes, granted, I’d said things that cast our partnering in a cavalier and non-committal way when we first began. But you’d said just as many things about how you wanted no committment, not to be tied to anyone, not to be romantically involved, that you were single single single and would stay that way. I watched as people who asked too many questions, who tried to be too close, or couldn’t handle your distant ways were cut out from your life. If people couldn’t accept the way that you needed to do things, you’d be rid of them. That makes sense.
After the first year or so of us being together, I no longer said such cavalier things or referred to myself as single. I told you things with words when we were in bed that were romanticy. I wrote you emails that shone quite a light on the nature of my twiterpated feelings for you. While you have forgotten the conversation we’d had in which I’d totally told you that I wouldn’t be sleeping with anyone else (because I was with you, and I don’t sleep with more than one person)…. well, it was still clear that I didn’t have anyone else in my life. I’d told you lots that while I did sometimes wish I’d more of a social life, I really just wanted to hang out with you. You knew that when you weren’t around, I didn’t hang with anyone else (aside from the very occasional visit to Kelley down the road).
Um. But you continued to make comments about how single you were. How unattached. How not into that sort of thing you were. How unwilling. How it’s something that had to be accepted.
From my view, you were in control of that situation.
You were with others, and have said that we’d never had a conversation about it or decided that we were exclusive.
But… you’d made it very very clear that you didn’t believe in contracts and agreements; that you felt that meant nothing.
I agreed, and thought that two people should be only with each other because of pure desire to do so. So, how was I supposed to ask you that? And why would I, being that you’d told me that I was the most important person to you, that I was your best friend, that I knew as much as you could let any person know about your life? How could I possibly think that THAT person, the best friend I was sleeping with, who told me I was his favorite person, to whom I’d said such heart-revealing things to, would have a desire to be sleeping with someone else? And if he was, why would he hide that from me of all people?
Those few times I did bring up what we were to each other, you’d avoided, and told me that we were meaningful the way we were. You’d chastised me as being the one who always brings up relationship things, not you.
From my view, you controlled all of that stuff, too.
I was only with you, and thought you were with me. And I thought that made it so much better, so much more pure. Because we were with each other and nobody else out of pure desire. Because we truly were each other’s favorite person. Because everyone else had those contracts with each other, but you and I, two people who never sought out to be close to anyone, found ourselves thoroughly engulfed in each other. (i hope maybe this better explains why it hurt me so, why this has been such a big deal to me, and why you telling me that we’d never had a talk about being exclusive seems such an odd thing to say)
You kept our status defined as friends. Every online photograph of us together was captioned with “friend”.
Any time I mentioned what we were to each other, it was according to your definition. I’d visited your home a handful of times since you’d lived there.
That all seemed to me to be you in complete control of things, and I’d very little direction in how our relationship manifested.
When I asked you if you would be with anyone else, you told me to assume that you were. When I asked if you’d be willing to be with just me, you told me no. When I’d asked if… if you did decide you were able to be with just one person, why that person wouldn’t be me, you didn’t answer and told me you had to think about it…. and never answered.
I have very little control, actually, I feel.
Maybe I’m using what little control I feel I have over things…. and the only thing I do have control over is me. So, yes. I might withdraw myself, because I’m all I have any say over. It’s not meant to be a punishment, or bargaining chip. There are things that I simply cannot handle being a part of because they hurt too much.
I really haven’t been meaning to imply that I want to dictate how you act or feel. Certainly not. I apologise if that seemed the case. I’m sorry this has been affecting your life so much. Beleive me, it’s had a similar effect on mine.
But, if we are going to rehash, and ask, and go over things, then we’ll do it on both sides. That’s fair, right?
I am asking these questions of you, now…. because of what we’ve gone through from your asking me things. You have asked me about how, where, why. You’ve wanted to know how I could, why I did, etc etc. These are all the kinds of questions that I have tried to avoid asking. I have tried to bury them.
Do you understand that… asking me how I could have possibly cared for you like I claimed if I found it so easy to be with someone else, makes me wonder the same thing about you? Telling me how you feel disrespected makes me, in turn, wonder how I should not? Telling me how my actions make you doubt and wonder how I see you, makes me wonder, in turn, the same thing? Telling me how much it eats you that you met him without knowing that he and I had a past makes me picture that same scenario in my head, only worse, because your union was while I was living in blissful adoration of you, thinking I knew you? Worse, because I’ve been kept apart from every social engagement you’ve attended since I’ve known you?
Regardless of what I thought was unspoken, regardless of what you thought was understood, regardless of what I feel I should have known given my place in your life….
I’d found out you’d been with other women. I asked if you’d be with just me, and I was told no, that I should assume you were with other women. I tried to live under that assumption, found I couldn’t. I asked again if you’d be with just me, and was told that you didn’t want me the way I wanted you, that you may be with others, and was rejected. After months of this back and forth and harsh words, we’d gotten nowhere. I, in turn, fooled around with someone. Someone who wasn’t terribly attractive, mentally or physically, but someone from my past who was comfortable, someone who I’d been sexually compatible with long ago, someone who knew that I was still heartbroken over you and understood how little my desire to be intimate had to do with him at all. That is why. Once it started, I felt empty, I knew I couldn’t go through with sex, and told him so. He understood why. Maybe it makes a bit more sense now.
Yes, perhaps I should have told you. And by not telling you, I’ve tainted the first kisses of lovliness we’d recently shared, because you didn’t know. And I understand how you can feel that way. And I hate myself for it.
But every time that factor comes into play… I think of how my memories of you and I in Ocean Grove, that period of time that had been cherished as the unexpected happiest time period OF MY LIFE, has now been equally tainted. Because I can’t think of one moment we had, and not wonder if it was THAT week or THAT day that you were with someone else. Because it changed everything I thought that was going on between us.
That’s why I’m asking the questions I didn’t think I’d need to ask.
I want just you. I would be proud for anyone to know that you are the person i’m entirely devoted to and that nobody could possibly compare. I’d already said it to a number of people, actually. I haven’t thought of one plan of my future that doesn’t factor you in it, and I like that fact.
This “seeing how things go” is pointless. Either you want me, want to be with me, and there’s a reason we are going through all this, or there’s not.
I want to really BE WITH EACH OTHER.
I really need to know if you do.
I’m still not sure if I can afford going into the city tomorrow. I suppose if I do, you won’t be wanting to meet up tomorrow evening afterwards?
Me meet in person. He won’t tell me who. We fight.
May 16th 2010
email from me
as a post script,
I’m not sure why you started hanging out with me again. I’d made it really clear a very long time ago that I wasn’t capable of being with you in a non-romantic fashion. That’s the whole reason this started. It’s not a matter of me trying to press the way I want things above yours, it’s a matter of what wrecks me emotionally. I know you think that I’ve been ignoring your point of view and feelings on the whole matter, but I really can’t help but feel the same. I’d been in a lot of pain for a long time, and i’d really thought that those first few conversations we’d had, and our hanging out again was because you… wanted that too. You still can’t even tell me that you’d like to be with me romantically IF we could work things out between us, and that, to me, is really discarding everything I’ve tried to explain to you what I’m capable of emotionally handling. I wish it weren’t the case.
I really do wish that I’d at least gotten to know who you’d been with, at least had that to walk away with, instead of having my head forever fill with maddening scenes and be stuck with a forever wonder.
At least know that I’ve been left with that. A gnawing eternal faceless question that i can be paranoid about and suspect of every female you’ve ever almost mentioned, to wonder “is it her?”
I guess I’ll just assume it’s <Your Friend’s Cousin>?
She’d sought me out and said she’d no idea what we were…. and I’d answered that you were my everything person, that I was head over heels for you, and that we did not have a platonic relationship… and yet, she continued to leave those gushing comments on your facebook pictures and pursue you.
So…. geez, talk about being disrespected.
I almost suspect that you’d prefer that we end like this, so that you needn’t be asked questions you don’t want to answer.
Maybe one day, you’ll let me know if I am right, instead of just suspecting, and feeling really terrible about it being her.
I mean, she was the person you were talking to online all the time while you were spending time with me. That hurts on it’s own, y’know. That you’d come to visit me, and talk to her.
She’s the person who, even though you hardly mentioned her and now keep telling me how unimportant she is to you, referred to you as someone very important to her and that she cared very much about. That hurts all on it’s own, too. It kicks me in the brain a whole lot. I’ve tried to be as honest with you as possible, as bare as I could, so that YOU could be the one to know me… and … that’s a one way street, I guess.
Can you really wonder why being what we were was damaging to me, once I was to assume that you ‘d be with others? And somehow convince myself that it’s just a coincidence that you’ve never invited me along to anything that your friends attend? I can’t be that with you. I’d probably have drawn back from you a long time ago had I understood that you’d be with other women. I can’t be as seamlessly close with someone as I have been with you if I’m to think that you’d be interested in being intimate with someone else. That’s just not a relationship I can invest myself in. I can’t bear it.
Maybe this might influence you to be more honest and upfront with people you are with in the future and save them the confusion and hurt that has happened between us.
I probably shouldn’t even bother sending this. I don’t expect to ever hear from you again, since I don’t expect that you’ll ever want to answer my maddened mind, nor that you’ll ever want to be with me. Of course, I don’t imagine I’ll ever have much left to say to you, aside from what I’ve written here.
I wish you luck in finding someone that you can be close to who won’t be as demanding for answers as I.
Someone who won’t fall in love with you, and dare to ask if you’d love her back and be with her.
Goodbye.
email from Stefan
Wow, what a surprise. An email. Didn’t see that coming. Shocker. Email to you, is like spinach to Popeye.
Yes, I slept with <My Friend’s Cousin>. No, not the night you think and love to bring up. No, I didn’t drill into you how unimportant she was. I said we went months without talking before, and I never call her. She is, a pain in the ass…and I made mention of that, and it often causes her to not be in a fixed friend position. But, she is a friend. And, when I came down on her for getting in touch with you, she went teary because she was trying to connect her brother( a doctor or something) so he could maybe help you. So, you’re detective work is half right. I talked to her a lot, because she was my friend. That’s why. The same reason(though not as much these days) as I do now. The same reason you talk to about five or six people you slept with, because your friends, right? Now, let’s move away from her and talk about me.
You never told me you said to her that me and you are not platonic. That’s…yet again, a new piece of information. I don’t think you realize how wrong it is for you to tell someone that before you hear it from the person you’re talking about. So, again…”what else?”, I wonder.
You never…ever, told me you said that. I wonder, how you ever expect me to believe what you say when you hide so much and reveal things, peeling layer at a time. You didn’t think it was relevant to tell me you told another woman we weren’t platonic? Hmm?
So…Maybe this might influence you to be more honest and upfront with people you are with in the future and save them the confusion and hurt that has happened between us. (I just copied and pasted that from yours. I hope you don’t mind)
I never claimed to want to tell you what I did with my personal time, and never asked you in return. I was more than thrilled of the things we gave to each other so clearly. There’s no lesson to be learned here other than when you tell me so vehemently that you tell me everything, it really means…”I’m not telling you everything, I still am not, and I also have spoken for you without you knowing”.
I’m not sure why I did start hanging out with you again. You bring up new things you never told me every we talk or you write. Now, we’ve moved into a territory where you’re telling me you spoke on my behalf about something that I’ve never said to you. I don’t think you’ll every get how angry that makes me.
So…. geez, talk about being disrespected.(borrowed that too)
You’re just as conniving as everyone else in order to make your version work, and being honest….is not part of your recipe, whether your feelings are true or not. So, I’ll just assume there is a multitude more you’ve not told me and said on my behalf. You should be careful when you claim “honesty” as your main weapon when you know very little on the subject.
The worst part is, you claim to want to be with me, but, my feelings are nothing but a roadblock for you. What I think, truly makes NO difference in anything. Of course, if we could square our differences I’d like to be with you. I told you I wanted to take us out of the country for a while, planning on becoming something…somewhere else. Then, letting “nature” take it’s course. But, let’s just pretend you never knew that, it won’t help your point. But, you want nothing but shouting and declarations.
So now…I too, am left with the mysteries of, “what don’t I know”. Wait…no. You’re not. Only I am.
( Why did I know when I saw that I had an email from you it’d contain a piece of information you never told me? )
But don’t worry, take solace in the fact that I’ll be working, and again…doing nothing for myself and being pissed. (insert Rachael’s ,”No offense but I also…[continue for five pages until Stefan’s points fade away into nothingness] )
You’re quite twisted, and couldn’t be anything close to in love with me if you “suspect” I wanted to stop talking to you to…avoid a question. I guess I’ll just “suspect” that you’d like to hear that I ended up dead in some ally way with a needle sticking out of my arm. Oops, sorry…I forgot I’m not allowed to make mere mention of a single thing that plagues my thoughts and life, and directly contributes to why I have such a hard time with certain things. Sorry again…I know you’ve no time to try and understand such trivial things. It’s, “yes or no!” with you. Life shouldn’t be any more complicated. just like those silly storied you mention about headaches or whatever those frivolous conditions I’ve wasted my time thinking so much about, that you suffer from. What’s it like to be so obsessed with your own points you can’t even see what others MAY be thinking?
Now, if you don’t call me…I could return to my life where no one judges me, I don’t ask anyone questions, and I don’t have to be reminded of what shit I am daily.
I won’t read any response. Check, and erase. That’s all that will happen. I don’t hate you. It’s quite the opposite. But, if you can’t understand that I have houghts of my own, my own way of thinking, a whole list (like you) of specific issues and problems that impede on my life, and that my feelings for you are real, and worth respecting, don’t bother. I’m sorry for ever hurting you, but I don’t need a phone call just to hear more about how I’m secretive and your honest. Or something of a similar juxtaposition.
If you call me and just start talking about her or yelling at me about anything, I’ll hang up. I’m not letting you talk to me like the way you have been anymore. You’ve flexed all of your muscles through emails and I’m beyond done with it. Respect me, or go away and respect yourself out of my sight.
I had indeed told him. I forward him THE EMAIL IN WHICH I TOLD YOU EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD <YOUR FRIEND’S COUSIN>
email from Stefan
“One starts to wonder why not…. feel like a secret hidden in plain view stuffed into a platonic disguise.”
It was nice you confided in her all of your fears, conspiracies, suspicions, and the rest of the reasons that tell me you didn’t think anything was clear or assumed. That sentence is in no way, you telling anyone that me and you are not platonic. And, it’s not you telling her your insecurities, but more you expressing what a dick I am.
Thank god I figured how to word search in a email, because if I had to read that back and forth( that I still think is none of my business), I’d loose it.
Well, I’m just…stunned. All you did was misquote yourself and direct me to a sentence that shows just how unsure you were of everything you swore we were mutually sure of. Or, rather(and much more obvious)…you were trying to get answers out of her.
You would really impress me if you could admit how unstable your thoughts were, and that you never confronted me in the way you should have, when…you should have. Also, if you could admit that you didn’t think anything was evident between us, but more so…you wanted it to be. This isn’t about who cares about who at this point. I’m pretty confident in how I care about you. I just want you to admit what you should.
You got me to email again, even after how clear I made it that it kills me. I KNOW, you were just emailing me to show me something, but still…it doesn’t say what you said it did. And, it shows how in control you are of our communication. So, you get answers, you get me to email, you make me read whatever you want. I wonder what you think being in control is. Probably nothing short of sticking your hands into a slit on my back and making my head flap wildly to say whatever you want to hear me say.
I just canceled my client. I’m too rattled to work. I’m sure that has no affect on you. But now, not only am I not working on my personal art, which is just about the only thing close to a drug I have to calm myself, but now…I’m loosing money. I’m not blaming you, I’m just telling you that I have NOTHING, to deal with my stress. Again, I won’t bother you with my own hell. I’m gonna leave my house now for a while.
We have very different specs on in seeing all of this. I wish we saw things the same a bit more. I’m sorry.
Days later we are back to emailing each other art and links and calling each other at dawn.