May 10th 2010
email to Stefan
I um. I was thinking.
Um. Y’know… the whole time you were talking about your recent lack of sex drive…
Well. I’m really glad you explained that to me. I really do understand. I mean. The whole time sleeping in your bed with you, I wasn’t… I wasn’t holding myself back from any sort of action. I wasn’t telling myself in my head to refrain from expressing a sexual urge. I was really content and enjoying just what we were doing…. It really was so wonderfully lovely to just… have that. That closeness and intimacy of bedtime. It was perfection.
But I won’t say that this doesn’t freak me out a little bit.
Do…. do you think that there’s something wrong? Between us?
I…. I really would like to…. I mean…. kissing. would be nice.
I mean… do you think…
I just.
I don’t want to end up in some sort of wierd holding pattern where we’ve both gotten so used to things in a certain way that we end up unable to express ourselves physically at all to each other.
That is, if expressing ourselves like that is wanted.
Do you even feel…. do you even feel about me in such a way that means you’d want to?
Do you…. even want to kiss me? As a show of sexual affection?
I’ve wanted to kiss you a number of times. But I felt I should wait for you to make that decision. But maybe you won’t?
That, and…. well, I’d never know if I should since it’s hard for me to feel romantic affection towards me in you.
And… I wonder if it’s there at all, sometimes.
….
It’s…. difficult, y’know… to get to the point where the idea of romance and affection between us is discussed and thought of as something we can share in this new beginning… and then be struck with a bout of lack of sexual desire. I mean, I don’t want you to be trying to convince yourself of something unnatural you don’t feel or want just to keep us in each other’s company. I’m not trying to rush you or push you or pressure you.
I’m just a bit confused and concerned. Are you?
I really did have a fabulous time visiting you, and it really did mean the world to me. I wish I didn’t think and wonder so much, but that doesn’t lessen the awesome time I had for the past few days, and how happy you’d made me.
May 11th 2010
email from Stefan
I wasn’t really telling you about my lack of sex drive for any particular reason. In fact, I think I was trying to explain it out loud so I could make sense of it. I think it’s more like, I just don’t feel the same way about sex as everyone around me. And, well…the politics of sex I’ve come to understand makes me really have a sort of outward aversion to it. I don’t think people are sincere about it and it’s been making me want to get into a shell to protect myself from being pulled into the tide of others. I feel like I’m a character from a movie (dressed in a vampire cape with bad fake fangs) and then sudenly a giant hand picks me up and drops me off on a pirate ship in mid battle. Like, the character I attribute to sexuality is constantly being misunderstood and insulted by others. I don’t really know what I’m talking about. I’s still trying to figure it out myself. I’ve been writing about it a bit today trying to solidify my meaning. It’s, still liquid.
Umm…I am of course attracted to you and have had plenty of moments of animalistic thoughts with you in mind.
I was just rather content to be in bed relaxing and felt nothing but comfort to be in bed with you. Aside from the fidgety part of trying to position myself a few times. It was nice.
I wouldn’t say there’s something wrong between us. Though, I don’t claim to have all the answers to make things right. I don’t want you to be nervous or self conscious. Even you say you are hesitant to do anything because you can’t read me. You have your reasons for not making moves. I have mine. Things are a bit weird. But, not uncomfortable. I’m sorry I’m not confident with my sexual opinions as of lately. I still think about so many things and can’t come to any conclusions other than very unflattering ones towards myself. I like our opposing opinions on many things. Sometimes though, I have to admit…I’m left completely in the dark about how you see me against others. As clear as you may think you’ve made that, there are some areas shrouded in gray at the end of our talks. That, is most likely my own demons of thought attacking.
I too, am a bit confused and concerned…but, of course I was extremely happy you came by and we spent the weekend together. Being in bed together was really nice.
Now, I’m gonna sit here and make some tea and draw. I have a bit of an anxiety filled chest at the moment,(I sorta woke up that way) so hopefully it’ll subside. Feel free to write or send neat links. I don’t think we want to start some long winded psychoanalytical email talk though. So, we can’t actually speak about those things, but links to bunnies and religious vituperation is always welcome.
oh and….when I say it was “really nice”….that’s a big deal to me. It’s not some casual phrase. I really meant it as something similar to you saying “wonderful” or “splendid” or something. Anyway…I hope you’re drawing or something.
email from me
ok.
Yes.
You do make me smile in warm ways.
That’s … thank you for writing. That was more than enough. thank you.
Without delving into things, I do want to say…
I feel the same about myself: not the way most others feel. but now I enjoy that fact. My outlook has matured and grown quiet and strong in ways that I hadn’t suspected it ever would… and was initially surprised to find that it had, when faced with the change. You’ve had great influence and effect on that, but I think it’s the outlook of mine that had been… lurking beneath? Wishing for the opportunity to be? Battered into submission? I think our time apart taught me that more than anything: for a large chunk of my life, I’d been responding to things in the way that I learned from those around me (because I thought I was wrong and broken the way I was and it should be overcome), instead of my actual inner instinct/self, which I’d repressed.
The less I try to bend myself into the sort of shape I thought for so long I should be, the more I find I fit together with you. I’m still figuring it all out… and it’s kind of interesting from a wierd scientific study point of view, like personal brain ancestry research. but it doesn’t feel unfamiliar… that’s because it has come without trying, and has come very comfortably. It feels natural. You feel natural. Our ways with each other feel natural. More natural and real and honest than anything. And better than everything else. Being with you, more than any other moments in my life, I feel like… I feel the way I should feel.
Sleeping together this weekend was… a perfect example of that. Better than anything.
Maybe me asking you if there was anything wrong between us was just…. a remnant of my conforming self looking at things with cookie-cutter eyes in retrospect. Because at the time, in the moment, everything felt perfect.
And no, you don’t make me feel self conscious or nervous – not…. not in any way aside from the understandable nervousness that anyone should feel when approaching something of such importance and significance. In that regard, I think you will always make me nervous. Because it’s always important. Every minor act between us is important, and totally felt.
(ok. done. sorry. i hope that was ok to mention/explain)
I wish… I could be thrown in a gladiator ring, and have to be tested against a series of terrible foes, of multiple attackers…. and my only weapon to chew at them with my teeth. And i’d do so…. to get to you. Just to hold your hand.
I woke up wishing it was yesterday morning’s comfy floppiness.
I’m sitting in the sunporch. I’m hoping to keep myself from so much distraction in a room without my bedroom clutter.
The one really good thing I’d found in that list of things to do… was that next month, the Museum of Natural History’s sci-cafe talk cocktail party thing (it’s a once a month thing, I guess), is going to have Neil DeGrasse Tyson giving a talk!!!! WHOOOO!!!!