November 26th-27th, 2012
Edited correspondence
Email from me to Stefan
I just broke up with <boyfriend>.
I feel awful. I’ve known him for so long, and he’s really a fabulous guy. I just… he’s so crazy in love with me, and I’m just not there. I don’t know if I ever will be. I really do love the guy, but… I can’t feel those romance feelings. I don’t know that I ever will, and he’s had feelings for me for so long I don’t know that I’d ever be able to catch up with him. I can’t expect him to just hang out and wait for me to figure out if I can be comfortable with him forever, when he’s ready to stay by my side til the end of time. I had to end things, and we won’t be seeing each other for a long while, now, so we can both recoup. I’m his dream girl, and that’s so wonderful to experience. It’s so rare that I don’t feel judged and shat upon by people, and here’s someone who thinks I’m amazing. And I think he’s amazing. I want to hang out with him, I miss him already, but he’ll just be hoping and hurting. I can’t let him go through what I went through with you, y’know?
I don’t get it. I don’t know that I’ll ever find anyone as devoted and accepting of every single bit of me. I’m angry at myself for not falling for him. And yet, I feel heartbroken about it. It’s so stupid.
And now I’ve broken his heart and lost a really wonderful friend. One of my favorite people ever. A really good person. Someone that really deserves wonderful things, y’know? He’s had a rough life. Dammit.
Anyway. um. I don’t know.
I think I understand your side of how things went between us more. That’s kind of why I’m mentioning this.
goddammit.
fuck.
yeah, art stuff….. we can ramble about each other’s art stuff at some point. I’m just a bit fucked up in the head right now.
sorry for the confessional email.
Email from Stefan to Me
I was actually rambling about art stuff to slightly distract myself from some of my own nonsense goings on.
Sorry about things. I can’t say much more than that being I’m not aware of details. But, you explained enough. If you feel like writing about it to blow off steam, feel free.
As someone who cares about you, I was really hoping that you were in something evenly enjoyable and great. I’m not happy about this. I’m also fuckin’ pissed that you had to go through (and will go through for a while I presume) a terrible situation to think of what I may have felt. But, shit…..when I think about it. I guess it’s that whole….”you have to walk a mile in someone’s shoes” thing. I’d rather you not ever get me if you and him would be “it” for each other.That’s obviously way more important than you “getting me”. Fuck….I don’t know. Neither of us know the exactitude of what each other goes through.
I remember seeing pictures of him and you. He seemed a happy guy. He had that kind of smile I’m not sure if I’ll ever experience. The kind I borderline envy.
You know me. I’m a bleak cynic. But…I hope you make the best of this bad situation. Every story seems cliche to the outsiders. We both know each one has it’s own variables….it’s own duration….it’s own power to weaken us…..or strengthen us.
Maybe this is more of my rambling. I’m a pro at it.
Email from me to Stefan
Thanks. I’m gonna take you up on that offer of blowing off steam.
Y’know, I didn’t think I’d be this upset about it, somehow. I’m really easily smothered, and I kept feeling a bit like I couldn’t breathe, a bit like he had so many emotions that there wasn’t room for me to feel anything…. and then I found myself chatting with people at WFMU and thinking “hey, he’s cute! damn, too bad I’m taken.”
I don’t think monogamy is something that should be arm twisted into, y’know? It should be willingly and joyfully dived into. And if I’m being tempted, if I’m noticing other people, then i’m not…. I’m just not swept up into it like I should be. Sure, I guess if I’d been together with someone for four years, but in the first few months?! I should be blind to all others.
But I really thought that breaking it off… I knew the actual process would be hard. Would be tough. Would be tearful and crushing. But I thought there’d be a bit more of a “well, at least I feel free” kind of vibe going on. Instead I just miss him and kind of hate myself for being so emotionally off rhythm.
…
And I’ve always thought of him as a wonderful person. One of my favorite people I’d ever met. And he was always secretly pining over me.
He moved back to NYC while I was in NJ. And then finally, being back in NYC, I kept trying to hang out with him. It never happened. I figured that he was another of the many fellows that isn’t allowed to hang out with me because their girlfriends would get jealous. But what was actually going on is that he still didn’t trust himself to hang out with me. (none of this I knew at the time)
…
Then we started hanging out.
Then he tried to kiss me.
I explained that I’m not…. I’m…. I’m not really a dating person. That I’m bad at these things.
But, he said, that he understood if I wasn’t into it, but that he thought it’d be worth it to try.
So after hanging out for another few weeks, I did.
And it was fun. And silly. And sweet. And I laughed so much. We live walking distance from each other! I thought maybe it was timing working to my advantage for a change. Maybe the time was finally right or something. It felt like fate.
And he gets me. He gets me in so many ways. And the ways that he doest get, he accepts. But…. he’s so far ahead of me. It’s just too much pressure. I’m already less affectionate and emotional than most people. You were one of the few who was on the same page as me in that regard. And it got to be too much and too unequal and I felt him keep going and me not going anywhere and….
And of course he was affectionate and smoochy. Christ. He was building this up for forever! How else could someone be in that situation?!
And now I’ve totally decimated him. He thought he finally got what he’d been wishing for for over a decade, and I just ripped it away.
God.
I fucking miss him.
I feel like such an asshole.
Sorry for more ramble. Sorry if this is too many details. I’m not trying to be gossipy or be spreading around other people’s business. I’m just. I feel like I want to cry, but…. but crying would be selfish. Because I know he’s hurting so much worse.
What’s wrong with me?! Why am I turning him away?!
and selfishly…. i keep thinking that I don’t get to keep people in my life.
And that might be it. Maybe if I have more people, maybe if I have my own life with friends and confidants and activities on my own, I’ll be capable of having a normal significant other. But I have so few people. It started with <abusive ex-boyfriend>, who psychologically abused and trapped me into having nobody but him, so when he went away, I had NOBODY. And that fucked up my whole interaction pattern when you came around, and I did it to myself with you. And then you were my only person with all that pressure. And that makes me nervous and crazy, because if I only have one person… I’m one human away from being utterly alone.
Or maybe it’s just chemical. And it doesn’t matter what my brain says is right and good for me.
Or maybe we are too much alike, and I need someone who balances me out better.
Maybe I’m making the wrong decision. Maybe I should have given it more time.
aw, fuck.
A few days later, afraid I hadn’t given it enough of a chance, I got back together with the new boyfriend.