June 25th 2010
email to Stefan
thinking.
Well…
I guess….
I ‘ve felt a bit distant. Overall.
I thought we’d be… partners. now Us against the world. Like I thought we already were.
I don’t feel very close. I feel distant. So I’ve been quiet. I don’t have much left to say. I said it all, and things are….
how things are.
So. Not really what I thought. Not what I thought we’d be. Or we were.
It feels lonlier than being alone, sometimes.
Doctor visit today. Spine stuff. The good news is he said I could go skiing. The bad news is that he has no answers, my scoliosis is abnormal, and agrees that it’s likely my brain.
yup.
I guess I probably shouldn’t tell you such things? Do we keep out problems to ourselves?
…. not a team then?
I miss what I thought we were.
I don’t feel close. I still like you and all…
I enjoy your company.
but.
It’s all a bit…
I enjoyed feeling close to you. Thanks for that.
I still miss you.
I guess… call me if you feel like talking. i’m not angry or anything. Just thinky. Have been for a week now.
email from Stefan
Well…I’ve been feeling distant too. That was the exact word I was thinking as well.
And, I told you I felt odd and don’t know what is wrong with me. Then, the other day you told me more things of your past I’ve never heard, and that made me feel even less comfortable. As well as obviously angry towards the people you spoke of and devastated that you had to deal with that. You going through those things are what is the hardest for me to accept. It made me punch something quite hard later that night. Then, you almost cried and told me you don’t want to tell me because I may not want to touch you. That is complicated stuff. Some of which I never knew. It also again, makes me think of how different our minds and lives have sculpted us. I…have felt distant too. But….this is all stuff you know.
I also, have been undergoing my own mystery symptoms that are consuming every waking moment of my life recently. You think I don’t hate this? I’m not mad either. My anxiety is making my patience and composure work overtime. I really am having a hard time dealing with it. Trying to talk to you or spend time with you whenever I’m feeling social.
I’m sorry I’m not…what you want me to be in terms of how I express my thoughts and opinions right now. I’m…nowhere near where I should be in any respect and am holding on pretty tight just not to snap. I’ve been a fuckin’ shut in. My car basically doesn’t move.
I don’t know why you’d suggest you keep your problems from me when I think I know 99% of them already. Although now I know there may be even more I don’t know. You shared plenty with me. I can’t demand the rest. It’s your business. If you don’t want to tell me other, or anymore doctor stuff….don’t. If you do…write all you want. I’ve never turned my ear away from you when you needed one.
I wish I could free you from all your shackles. I still do.
I’m sorry for things. … I’m terribly queasy and groggy. I’m gonna make something to eat then lay back. My heart is beating fast. It’s gross out here.
June 26th 2010
email to Stefan
I hate this.
We should be… laying together. Distracting each other from the horribleness of the outside world…. with our enjoyment of each other. Watching something.
holding hands.
And.
It’s not that I don’t want to tell you things. Share my problems. I do. Good or bad, you are the first person I want to speak to.
But like you said, you don’t tell me lots of your problems. And… how do we… I mean… How can we be there for each other? Be… us against the world?
I know I can’t fix your issues. And… I understand if there are things you’d rather avoid… not speak aloud…. try to pretend aren’t there. Or things you feel uncomfortable mentioning. Things you don’t WANT me to know. Clearly, I understand that. But if you are keeping things just… because you don’t want to burden or bother…. maybe… knowing you can share things with me, would help? I’d rather be filled with anger and pain and fury and worry and consumed by frustration at problems you might be having….. than feel apart and distant. Maybe that pit of anxiety and stress would lessen if you had someone to listen and understand. Someone to be there. Someone to kiss your forehead.
Small moments to cling to… oh gosh, it helps. Me, at least. Times I’ve been upset, and you’ve been there…. when those same thoughts drift in my head at a later time, so too can a cherished moment of you. And it makes the thought-torture a bit less. A small glimemr of happy in a sea of doom… it really helps.
I…. I didn’t know… I mean. I told you I thought you might not want to touch me. I was torn, y’know. I wanted… to explain myself. Say things… i never told anybody. Things that were swirling in my head, and you were the one person…. And… I didn’t want you to associate that with me. Poison your head. That maybe… you’d just have that in your head, and it’s always be there. And… I was afraid you wouldn’t ever want to touch me, and… when I said that. I was just sitting there.
Desperately wanting you to touch me. I didn’t know…. I mean. You didn’t really react, and I thought you weren’t…. um. didn’t want to be around me.
Didn’t want to know.
So I thought. Maybe. Between that, and then you not telling me your stuff… that we weren’t. That it was too much, and you didn’t want to share with each other like that.
We should be together. Watching Wall-E. Or Farscape. Or Vincent Price.
I’m gonna find a way to get a car.