April 7th 2010
email from me
Ok. So, I’m not trying to stir the pot of email terribleness, here. But I keep thinking things. I wanted to ask you about this when you came by again, but I figured since… I keep saying things, and you keep saying you need to think before you can speak on it… well, if I mention beforehand something I was hoping to clear up between us, then I won’t catch you off guard when next we speak, and we can be… on the same page.
So.
Ummmm. one of things I meant to mention was…. that… in addition to the stuff we talked about.. um. another part of what made me feel unsure and confused etc. was the rarity with which I got to hang out at your house; something that still befuddles me – especially being that <The Brother>’s girlfriend is always there, and now <Rooommate>’s lady moving in with him. It seemed, to me, like you were keeping me away. Especially when you’d come by me successive nights in a row, I couldn’t understand why you didn’t just take me back with you for a night. It’d be the same amount of driving for you. and we used to spend days and days together at my house…. I started to feel really rejected.
So, yeah. Hopefully when next we hang out, maybe we could talk about that.
Also…
These past few months… and seeing you again… I’ve come to realise a number of things. Shifted my consciousness. Changed my personal perspective. Learned, I think, how to better appreciate you.
I’ve come to realize how much I don’t care for the world. How crucial and important you are to me. How terrible and unappealing the rest of the world is. How wasteful I’ve been with myself. I lost my mind for a bit in there. I’m very very sorry. I screamed like a crazy person on the internet. I was just wounded and hemmoraging and bleeding everywhere like an idiot. I never hurt so badly before, and… like I said… it was rather in reaction to all these issues making me feel like a big secret, and that I’d been totally wrong about what we meant to each other.
I don’t care about the rest, anymore. This brief refresher course of time without you… it has made me realise just how stale and cold every thing is – especially when compared to your vibrance.
I don’t want myself to belong to the world anymore. I don’t want to keep what was before anymore. What was before can die and blow away in dust. I’ve become a better me, now, because of you. I want what is me to be yours. I don’t need anyone else to know me if you do.
That, too… I will say with in-person words when I see you next.
I’d like to mention that… I’ve been happier these past few days than I’ve been in a really really long time.
I’m excited for when I’ll get to see you again.
Are we are starting over? Fresh, new, with romantic and affectionate intentions?
…. think on it. Let me know when you see me?
Is it ridiculous for me to be thinking of changing my name? I’d really love to start over somewhere. Somewhere that’s always overcast and brisk. Somewhere with you.
Please, do let me know what’s been going on in your head about things when we see each other next. What you think of me, and what we are and can be to each other.
I’m still rather terrified.
(yet elated)