February 13th 2009
email from me to Stefan
Um.
And I’m brain dead and feeling stupid and sad in the head still… but…
see…
i wanted to make something… slip it in your pocket… but I couldn’t think of what, or how, nor did I have the time…
something just to…
i know the sleeping last night was terrible, the noise and the movement of my room from the wind gets really awful at times….
but…
in the midst of that… that terrible morning/day…
you stayed close while I cried and sniffled myself to sleep…. you let me cling to you… to be there in the sad place…. hugged me safe…
I don’t think I ever had company in that sad place. and you just stayed there with me.
and that’s why… I wanted to draw, or write… a note.. a something… something physical and tangible to give to you. I suppose it doesn’t matter, because I can’t give you anything that would appropriately thank you for staying by my side when I go ghostly grey and damp. Nothing compares.
But. I will say this, and not just solely for last night:
(and in my uttering this, I don’t mean to put words in your mouth, imply thoughts in your skull, notions in your chest… i only don’t know how else to put it… )
i’ve never felt so loved.
i’ve never felt so loved as I do from your company.
February 14th 2009
email from Stefan to me
Just because it’s Valentine’s day I will take this humble opportunity to say……as I would anyday, (but why not today)…that you are choice for best friend.
We happen to be…..best friends.
…..but…..if I didn’t know you……and there was a panel of people in line for days……after reading resume’s and asking a few brief questions……. I’d still choose you as best friend.
…..not because we both suffer from flaws.
….not because you and me are creatively compatible and enjoy each others company anytime, anywhere (although that helps).
….not because we accept each other for what we’ve exposed of ourselves.
….these are all great things……things I constantly appreciate.
….but….because we never treat each other badly. never. …because….we’ve never really given each other a reason. ….and I don’t mean little miscommunications and tiffs online or text…..we…..well……I clear those up quickly. …but…..I’m always glad to.
……why……..I’ll tell ya why.
…..because we’re best friends.
….and I’ll rub your back and let you blow your nose on my shirt as long as you got a nose and I….umm….have a shirt?
….man that last line was a mess. I tried to end it good. dammit.
February 14th 2009
email from me to Stefan
As instructed, i read my mail. In the midst of the still-sleepless morning of achey kidney bits… aaaaaand. I should probably not respond, because I can’t write things that are good enough right now … or would write anything better than the warm feelings your words have put in my head… the feelings would look like… of us both growing and transforming into giant real-bear sized stuffed animals in bright pastel colors, and engulfing each other in giant fluffy hugs…. falling over and rolling down a grassy hill covered in autumn leaves, giggling and hooting all the way. (there’s more… and it’s happy and silly and glorious and lovely-awesome)
with warm happy insides.
hooray for the warm happy insides.
thank you for everything, everything,
everything.
(i’m glad we have flaws)
which inspired the following drawing of mine:
