June 29th 2010
email to Stefan
We can’t attack each other like this.
You, in your engaging with another person, did so without thinking you were doing anything wrong. Anything that went against what our bond was. The way we’d interacted, you thought such actions were acceptable. You didn’t thing it would hurt me. You didn’t do it to hurt me. You wouldn’t do anything to purposely hurt me.
Yes?
Me, in my engaging with another person, did so without thinking I was doing anything wrong. Learning that to you, our bond was not exclusive, did hurt me… But I didn’t do it to hurt you. I don’t feel I did anything wrong in that act, but knowing that it HAS hurt you, I regret it and I wish more than anything I could take it back. I wouldn’t do anything to purposely hurt you.
Yes? Do you believe that?
It is easier to blame that other person than to look in my/your eyes and see the source of what has wounded us so. But that’s the reality. She didn’t do it to me. He didn’t do it to you. We made these choices. We did this to each other.
Now we know. Now we know to be more vocal. Now we know how that we are indeed so important to each other that we can hurt each other so easily.
As far as my online stuff… I never called you out by name. I still spoke highly of you to others. Yes, I did go too far, but I’d never EVER been so hurt in all my life, and I’ve no friends to speak to, no social life or work to distract me. I was bed ridden with Lyme Disease, with a constant head pounding, and had nothing to do but dwell and cry and needed some sort of release. It wasn’t meant as an attack on you. I was withering with lonliness and pain. This doesn’t excuse it, but perhaps it would help to keep in mind that these were extreme circumstances.
I didn’t do it to hurt you. I know now how much that it has. Knowing that it’s effected your trust in me, that it’s hurt you, I regret it deeply. I can see now how inappropriate and crazed and was. We’ve learned a lot. We wouldn’t end up in that situation again, and even if we did, I wouldn’t take that same path again.
But it happened. It will always exist.
That, to you, was a great offense. Against a principal you say you have always stood by and has always been very important to you. You’d never do the same to me, not matter how much you’d be angered by me. I’ve damaged your trust and respect.
Conversely… I find it really egregious to be physically intimate with more than one person and not make sure that all parties know that they are not alone. Maybe you see that as something that impedes your privacy and freedom. But to me, that’s a serious principle of honesty and respect of me and my well being. It left me feeling betrayed.
We have different perspectives. We both have done what the other wouldn’t. But again, we didn’t do these things to hurt each other. We are both painfully aware of how much hurt we’ve caused each other, and being that neither of us want to hurt each other, neither of us would do these things again.
Yes?
As far as us. As far as future. I want to be partners. I want us to be a team. These are things I thought we already had been. I would like to be in a romantic relationship with you. I had already been emmersed in what I thought was a somewhat romantic relationship with you. I have romantic feelings towards you. If to be part of that, to you, equals “boyfriend & girlfriend”, then yes, then that IS what I’d like.
The way that you had been urging for us to hang out, because our friendship wouldn’t be repaired while we were apart… that’s the same way I see the notion of us currently remaining in the same friend patters as before, and hoping that we’ll become something else. End up somewhere differnt than we have. The way to start to mend our friendship was to start being friends again. The way to learn to trust each other and get unstuck from this skipping record groove… is to trust each other and unstick ourselves.
I know that you are hurt and confused about things.
So am I.
But… I see nowhere to go but leaping forward. Staying as we were is killing us. We’ve already been hurt, but it came from not being totally honest with each other. So why not just be totally honest, and totally trust each other?
I’m drowning in this. The same state of treading water is starting to return… the happiness I’d feel when I’d get to hang with you, followed by the despair of confusion and hope-stretched-thin… of the rejection.
Like I said… I can feel myself starting to shut down.
Maybe these are insurmountable things to conquer. If so, then lets figure that out.
l know I’ll always care for you. But…
I know I can’t stay like this.