February 28th, 2010
Email from Stefan
[excerpt]
Every time I sit to think about telling you how unfair I think the semantics have been between our communication, and want to come over there and hold you down and explain the things that are so unfair in the ways you decide what means what…….but, then I think…
…I think of your health. The possibility of you getting surgery. The possibility of you getting better…or worse. I think of those things than all of the above thoughts go away. I just think about you. How much your health has concerned me from the day we first spent time together. That isn’t an argument to me. I can’t be swayed away from it. There isn’t, and has NEVER been…a thing, or person that would get between me and easing your pain and life in any and every way I could.
Things can’t go back to how they were. I agree with you on that. I have my take. You have yours. It’s a dead issue as far as emails go. I hate that I’m even digressing this much. I just wanted to talk about how much I care about your health. Please…just…forget replying to that “my side” stuff. I know you don’t agree with any of it. Focus on my point…that your health is on my mind so much. I think about this more than you know. I haven’t left my house more than a handful of times in WEEKS Rachael. I bought stacks of a books,and have been VERY antisocial. I’m not good either. Not just from this stuff. My preexisting personal issues have been hitting me very hard.
I…know this has been a scattered letter. I’m not even sure what I’m talking about. I miss you. I hate that we haven’t hugged each other recently. I get so mad thinking about some of the things you’ve written, then immediately after, I wanna squeeze the life outta you. In a good way.
I get so fuckin’ frustrated. I feel I gave you so much, to prove how much your health and well being meant to me. I get mad at myself daily as well. My chest fills with air, and anxiety makes me smoke like three cigarettes in a row, then…I force myself to draw…knowing it’s the only thing that’ll maybe get my mind off of things for a bit. I also, as I know you do…have many other daily frustrations.
I really have been having a hard time with the normal bullshit I’m mentally plagued with. My mental health issues are seeming to soar to new heights everyday. I give it my all…to keep them in check. It’s not easy. Not at all.
…..
Again…my POINT is…I get very nervous and scared (two things, I don’t ever get) when I think about your health, and me, not being around to help you. I read everything you’ve ever sent me on your health. I know your issues as much as ANY outsider could. I don’t know for sure what is wrong with you, but I know many things are. I see what hurts you, what parts are physically able to be seen to diagnose, what your eyes do, what your hands do…I know it all. That’s just the physical. I know personally, what it feels like to have people not understand, or to belittle the severity of your mental plight. I know what that does. How that feels. As much as you don’t want to hear people tell you, “they know how you feel”…I think you know when I say it. I really do. I know how you suffer, in some ways. You KNOW, I care about that. About you.
I’m pretty good at getting lost in projects, which is what I do and have always done, to deal with my issues. That’s a whole different story…and it would be a lot easier, if you understood my issues. What I feel everyday. That’s my fault though. I can’t talk about my problems without getting so angry, you’ve seen me a few times, what happens to me when I think too hard about what I am. Do you know how hard that is for me?
Sigh…I can feel my flesh tighten. I feel like I have a tens unit on just from the pressure in me. I miss you beyond words as I write this. Day to day, I never know how hard it’ll be to deal. Even tomorrow, while I work…I know, I think about this.
For a while, I felt you really didn’t care at all for my side. It made me angry. It made things easier to deal with. Though, I miss you, I want to hug you hard, and let you feel how much tighter my body has gotten over this. You can physically feel what this is doing to me. It’s been very physically painful to have you on my mind. I don’t know what I can do. Or if I can see you, hear you, or even send this email. Lord knows I’ve written plenty and not sent them in the past. So, I never know what will happen. I never know how I’ll feel. My brain is shutting down as I write this. I have to keep scrolling up to see what I’ve already written. I’m done for now. You don’t have to reply. I’ll probably write again.
I wish we were together right now. I wouldn’t even mind hugging you while you yell at me. It would at least relieve some of this pressure.
I had a solid direction in this letter, but I clearly lost control. I don’t want to be feeling this way.