March 26th 2013
email from me
So, a friend of <Boyfriend>’s is currently sober for the first time since he was 16. He’s been doing dope for over a decade, and finally found a way to break from it using this.
http://www.ibogaine.co.uk/introduction-ibogaine.htm#.UVHb4cnF1Og
From what I understand it’s a week of utter hell, but then you are free.
Maybe you could look into it. I don’t t know if it’s the kind of thing you would actually be able to find access to, though.
emails from Stefan
Thanks. I’ve read about this. It’s a possibility…but, it’s a psychoactive drug…that also needs to be paired with therapy to maintain a success rate in most cases. So, it’s kind of like many other things out there….another drug, to replace a drug. Sure, it’s no where near as dangerous as dope…but…there’s no drug that gives you a week of hell…then makes you ”done”. That’s on a strictly individual basis. The variables are too great to guarantee anything close to guarantees with something like this. I’ve tried a few herbal withdrawal blockers (kratom powder…teas, and such).
That’s awesome that he’s off a dope for the first time in 10 years. But, he’s probably been to detox a bunch of times…had a few weeks here and there…or even if not….I’d need to know he’s clean a year from now….and off that other stuff too….to say there’s real validity to it.
The withdrawals are bad….the worst….but that’s not the hardest part at all. Any heroin addict that says withdrawals are the worst part doesn’t know what it’s like to suffer. Heroin’s real demons come out when you’ve experience staying clean by your own will power after withdrawal…..the longer you stay clean….the more you see. I was clean for about a decade. I’ve now been off and on in short bursts and long stretches..and know at least 5 different avenues to stave off withdrawal. It’s the life that you have to deal with….that makes fighting it for years…hard. There’s very little people that know what I’ve gone thru. And the way I’ve gone thru it. When you pick back up….you just start right where you left off….(or get there within a week or two)…..but being clean…gives you the full perspective. The whole picture. And you know how long I was clean.
Aside from all the conventional chemical avenues (methadone, subutex,benzos) to detox…you know I’ve also kicked my worst habit while in a jail cell….cold turkey. If this guy’s been on dope for ten years, he has no clue what he’s in for…but I hope that the treatment works for him. I know so many people who HAVE to be on something…because they can’t do it. They’re not strong enough to be clean on their own. I’d be lying to myself if I said I need to be on something to be clean. When I know I’m capable of not being on anything. For me…it’s do drugs or don’t. Or….don’t do them….but take something once in a rare while…..which I’m also capable of…..which is what I’ve done for the last couple years. I really have seen and felt the full spectrum of using, using a little, and not using at all. And giving time and respect to each phase to see it for what it is.
I’m not looking for a way to get off. I know how to get off. I’m just too miserable to stop at this second. There’s a whole host of legal prescriptions and drugs that I can take daily or weekly to stay off of heroin, but that’s just replacing it with having to take something else.
I know I’m capable of dealing with the worst withdrawals with very little chemical assistance…and then….just dealing. My will power has proven that. I used again, and am using again…because I wanted to. And because I’m a junkie at heart….and fucked up. And I have to want to stop just a bit more than I do….so that I could start my real process…and go thru real withdrawal….that’s how stay off. How you remember the pain for a while and say, ”fuck, I’m not doin’ that again”.
I gave up on myself…so I gave in. Every addict is different. I see and hear things from addicts everyday that show me they have no business even touching heroin…let alone knowing what the struggle really is. There’s too many variables to nail any answers down. There are truisms in being a junkie that can’t be disputed….but we really are all different cases.
I have to feel I’m worth being clean. I have to regain my sense of self worth…to a degree that’ll make me angry enough…to just get clean. For me…it has nothing to do with finding a psychoactive drug that will hold back withdrawals. I know me…I’m not like most junkies. I’m not afraid of what happens when you stop. I’m just a miserable guy, who just needs to gather up his will power and do what I know I could. I’m just lost right now….and am so reluctant to accept help….because I know where this goes….how this works….and it’s so strange being a junkie for me. Watching this movie play out with such clarity….but fighting this in the process….still being a junkie. A miserable fuckin’ junkie. Not worth anything. Just…I want to be left alone. I punched some big guy the other day….on the street…tried to rip me off like I was a newbie. I pulled a knife….almost did something stupid. The anger in me…it’s….I’m getting mad writing this.
I’m just really fuckin depressed….and angry….and tired of people.
If I’ll be off it soon, it’ll be on my own terms. That’s the only way. Bye.
I was also contacted about painting a macabre backdrop for a feature for that show Oddities.
March 29th
emails from me
Well….
I think you are worth being clean. I think your artistic potential deserves you being clean.
Really, I could pour out paragraphs upon paragraphs of proofs that explain how worthwhile you are. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve done that more than a few times. But really, it doesn’t matter what I say. You‘ve got to feel it. I clearly can’t bring that to you.
All I’m good for is being a nonjudgemental friend, if the need for such a thing ever arises.
I don’t know that show Oddities. Unless you mean that old show on Mtv that was on during Liquid Television.