January 1st 2015
email from me
Everything in my world is up in the air.
I had a lady ready to take two of the kittens, and paid me for them, but was bringing them to get booster shots and stuff before she can bring them home to her elderly cats, lest they catch an illness from the kittens. She can’t bring them home with her for another three weeks when the last booster shot is due, which is cutting things close.
And now…. Stockwell, one of the two remaining kittens we were going to keep is ill. Very ill. The vets said it might be FIP, or he might get better. He’s not getting better, and everything I read makes it seem very much like FIP.
I’ve got to tell the lady who was going to take two of the kittens, and chances are, she’ll not be able to take them.
So…. we’ve got to move in less than a month, probably in a temp spot with all our stuff in storage, who knows where, and do so with a dying kitten and three kittens who could manifest the disease at any point.
Also, I got some crap results from my neuro-psych evaluation. I’m not surprised by any of it, but confirmation can be crushing.
I have a lot of trouble thinking clearly, concentrating, remembering. I’m supposed to try working on that with concentration techniques and meditation and such, but…. the Tourettes. It’s eating my brain. I can’t….. think….. I’m driven to tears by not being able to think straight. And then I feel so guilty for how much the tics effect me, and how on the edge I am.
My thoughts.
My mind.
These fucking kittens.
I’m so distraught over these fucking kittens.
And in so much debt. And have been wrecking my life over them.
Fuck.
email from Stefan
That’s a lot to deal with.
How does the Tourettes affect you exactly. Does it irritate you extremely to the point where it startles you? Or does it just bother you. I understand you feel guilty feeling that way about something someone can’t control. But, if that’s how you feel. Ya’ know. What can you do?
email from me
It’s…..
It’s not a matter of irritation. It becomes more an issue of not being able to direct my own mind. I have long grown used to the sounds and noises than occur – and I’ve accepted them. Occasionally it’s loud and hurts, or when I have a migraine some sounds are piercing, but that’s not really a problem. I can filter them and not get annoyed by the sounds themselves. It’s…. there’s a cumulative affect. I mean…. I don’t know about how your mom’s sickness manifested, but…. imagine she had a cough. A hacking cough that came intermittently, without rhythm, sometimes quite loud, sometimes a clearing of the throat, sometimes a blowing of the nose. And always happening. Just constantly. Sounds. Every 1-45 seconds. Imagine that. Trying to write. Trying to watch a film. Listening to your favorite song with your eyes closed. Trying to lose yourself in thought…. about ANYTHING. And not just for a day, or a week, but almost always.
I’m a person that has grown used to quite a lot of alone time. As it is, I have less alone time than I am used to, being that <the boyfriend> works mostly from home. It’s not just a matter of having social company almost all the time, but the times that we should be able to zone out and work on our own things…. we sit in the same room, and the intermittent sounds come constantly. It’s really maddening to be around someone who is, against his own will, demanding constant attention. I’m worn down from it. That is what affects me. And when it mounts, I start to get annoyed and irritated at the sounds. But it’s not really about the sounds. It’s my brain already having difficulty to stay on target, and being led more astray than I already do to myself.
I can’t think straight, and it’s getting worse.
email from Stefan
That’s awful. I mean. Right now, and for the last few weeks we have contractors here. Early. When I lay down… An hour later they are here, cutting type with a circular saw. My eyes are blood shot and wide open. It’s been going on for weeks. Sledge hammers, dry wall work, and now tiles. A circular saw to stone is insane sounding. Not to mention a radio and the general speak amongst construction guys. Soon as my parents leave for work… I’m supposed to “watch” them. And show them where shit is if they don’t know. So… I have a bathrobe wrapped around myself.. And go upstairs into my brothers apartment and lay on his couch, trying to get 20 minute increments of sleep in between the SCCCRRREEEEE!!! Sound of slicing tile with the saw.
And Greta has actually developed a hacking heave kinda sound that goes thru the night.
I know the desperate need for alone, silent, solitude and not getting it.
Yes… The construction will end eventually, bit I have a laundry list of other problems to deal with yet.
But, I can’t imagine exactly what you go thru. I’m sorry it’s culminating info something bad. I hope you find some kind of remedy to at least slightly mitigate the issue.
Ugh…. Things suck right now.
email from me
Well. There’s a good chance <the boyfriend> and I will be moving to Fair Lawn. It will be a good amount of space for the two of us; two attic bedrooms and a main floor with a walled off bedroom or office should give us enough space to chill out a bit. Also, having a diner around the corner to escape to for hours, not to mention a yard and a porch and deck to use at home. I’m going to really miss city life, but my body needs a break. I’m hoping to talk my Dad into letting me Rent to Own the house after a few years. I’m sure he would, if I kept it up well and paid rent reliably.
PS. Watch Black Mirror. It’s by Charlie Brooker, who is brilliant. I’ve watched the first two episodes so far.
January 4th 2015
email from me
If things were different, I’d ask you to take us away and live here for a year: <dead link>
Damn, man.
You should do it. Take your lady and just go up there for a year.
January 9th 2015
email from me
What do you know about the area of Newark surrounding Penn Station? We are going to look at a two bedroom here on Monday: <dead link>
Man, I hope i could just move in to Fair Lawn. If we do, we’ll need a roommate. I want to be able to cover the rent myself when <boyfriend> is in LA, if anything happens. I don’t know any NJ people anymore, really, so if you think of anyone who is low stress, adult but not uptight, let me know.
email from Stefan
The area around Penn station. (Depending it’s the side I think you mean) is ferry st. The iron bound they call it. It’s a Brazilian and Portuguese area. Good food, shopping, and coffee. I used to hang there all the time when I lived in Newark.
email from me
Oh, so right around there is considered the Iron Bound? Cool. I know that’s the area that’s nice to live in. NYC is becoming such a fucking joke. I miss the danger of the 90’s. I keep telling <boyfriend> that moving to somewhere like Newark or Paterson would better employ his life skills he developed being a street person and a squatter; life skills that have no place in NYC anymore.
I keep hoping that the cop strike will continue and race riots will heighten and put NYC back to the grim chaos and homogenous mix of humans it’s supposed to be, instead of this sea of yuppie assholes.
(or course, I complain about a sea of yuppie assholes, and then consider moving to LA. hah.)
email from me
Here. I need advice. If you scroll towards the end of the attached PDF, you’ll see photos and layout of the two family house in Fair Lawn. If I we moved in there, it’d be the second floor apartment, which as two small bedrooms in the attic. I mean, the bedrooms ARE small, but the rest of the apartment is rather spacious. There’s a third bedroom on the main floor, but that would be used as a work space for <boyfriend> and I. There’s parking, and a yard, and a deck, and a front porch. It’s two blocks from the Joker’s Child.
Without knowing how much rent for the full apartment is, how much do you think would be fair to charge someone for one of the bedrooms as a roommate for <boyfriend> and I?
email from Stefan
I would say between 4 and 6 hundred depending on their… Um… Privileges.
email from me
Ok. Thanks!
I’m hoping my dad will give us more of a break on the rent, because he told me it’s “around $1200”. I get nervous about money, and I want to be able to survive without being dependent on <boyfriend> to split the rent. Especially since I think he might end up finding gigs in LA for months on end, and it doesn’t seem fair for him to be paying rent when he’s not living there.
But even renting that small room at $600 means I’d have to pay $600 myself. Plus utilities. And I only get $800 a month.
For real, I’m working towards getting myself a car, and then moving to the middle of fucking nowhere. Somewhere I can fucking afford. I’m tired of being so poor. Even just Pennsylvania or upstate NY. I’m spending on my oomph on struggling to survive, and I don’t get to actually LIVE, y’know? I’m fucking tired.
I want to find somewhere cheap to live, maybe via Section 8, and then use that as a place to keep as a home base while I go traveling.
i’m hoping if I move into Fair Lawn, I’ll eventually get to rent-to-own it from my Dad. He doesn’t want it anymore, anyway.
Sorry. rambling. Stressed out.
did I mention one of the kittens died last week, and now the lady who was going to take two of them can’t, because they all carry some disease? Now the kittens are just depressing us. And I spend another $250 on the dying kitten the day before he died, in the hopes he was salvageable, and that maybe the tests would show that he died of something other than this coronavirus that kills kittens and elderly cats at seemingly random. And the next day <boyfriend> took care of the $180 just to put the poor little dude to sleep. Damn, man. See, i’m starting to cry again just thining about it. I spent his last day with him sitting on my lap. He was like Mr. Mangles. He’d had a siezure early in the morning and couldn’t work his back legs too good and coudn’t see. He wasn’t as angry and bitey as Mr. Mangles was though, so I just had him sitting in my lap, even though he pissed all over me. And at the end of the day when he had another seizure, we rushed over to the vet right before they closed and had him taken care of.
So tomorrow a couple comes to look at Tulip, my favorite kitten. We were gonna keep her and Stockwell, the one who died. But it doesn’t seem fair to keep my favorite one when <boyfriend>’s favorite died. The experience has become so bitter-sweet for us now.
Jesus. Everything is a mess.
I had a neuropsych evaluation, too. The results are….
I haven’t even really psychologically dealt with it yet. It’s too big. That’s a whole postponed existential crisis of anger.
Fuck.
January 11th 2015
email from me
So, the night I gave away Tulip, I was pretty upset. Crying. Sad. And <boyfriend>, trying to cheer me up, tells me that if we can’t find a home for the two remaining kittens together, we’ll just keep them.
If I thought it was cool for us to keep some of them, I’d never have gotten rid of Petal. I only rushed her into a home because <boyfriend> was talking about finding rescues and shelters to take them.
It’s stupid, because it’s just a cat, and i get that logically….. but I am really really quite upset. Moreso now than I was before, knowing that we might’ve kept her.
I’m not going to rush and take care of another stray litter anytime soon. This isn’t the kind of thing that happens to me often; raising a bunch of kittens and nursing them to health.
I’m really sinking into a massive depression and we have to move and I just want to put my stuff in storage and crawl into a hole by myself somewhere.
Got a good storage place to recommend?
email from Stefan
Yeah…. The one I use is public storage in Wallington. That’s what I use.
First month is free I’m pretty sure. And if you did use it, and said I told you about it. (I think there’s recommendation cards)… I get 50 bucks. I mentioned the guy who told me about it when I signed up and they sent him 50 bucks. Not that I would recommend it unless you moved in this area. Like fair lawn or whatever.
February 14th 2015
email from me
I just found this going through my photobucket:
We look so young and cute!
I was going to ask you if you were down for it and if I gave you some money for gas and time, if you’d drive me over to Aunt Mary’s so i could maybe grab some stuff and figure out what I’ll want to get a van to transport in a week or two. However, I don’t know if there’s heat on in the house, or if the water is on, and it’s fucking freezing and snowing.
So instead I’ll invite you over to meet the cats and chill out for a little while.
email from Stefan
Now that it’s starting to snow, I have almost no hope they’ll be parking.
So, you don’t wanna go by aunt Mary’s?
email from me
Um…. well, yeah, sure, if you want to. I don’t know there there will be heat on in the house, though. The roads aren’t fucked up right now from the slippery snow?
We could do it tomorrow instead, earlier in the day, when it’s not as cold and now snowing? Whatever.
email from Stefan
I don’t think I’ll be around tomorrow. I mean… If you wanna try. We can.
email from me
OK! Awesome! I just need to hop in the shower.
email from Stefan
Okay. I’ll head out in a few
I’d totally missed that it was Valentine’s Day, as did my boyfriend who worked nights on weekends. I always kept him aware of my interactions with Stefan, and let him know what I was up to when I realized what day it was, but felt like a dick all around.
February 15th 2015
email from me
It suddenly occurs to me that my behavior yesterday could be seen as a crazy girl mind fuck ploy; asking you to hang out with me on Valentine’s Day, going out for food, and then you driving me to buy my boyfriend presents.
So maybe I’m a total asshole.
I really didn’t mean it in whatever way it could be negatively interpreted. I honestly forgot that it was Valentine’s Day when I asked if you were interested in going to New Providence, and it also didn’t occur to me that it would be Valentine’s Day inside the diner, stupid as that sounds. It DID occur to me while we were at the Diner that <boyfriend> might feel odd that I was hanging out with another man on VD, so it might be a good idea to get him something.
Whatever. You know my brain, I hope you’d know the spirit in which my behavior is best understood.
Regardless, sorry if it was shitty of me.
We should hang out without my errand needs! Just sitting and drawing and listening to stuff and chatting. Maybe there’s a figure drawing class nearby that we could attend sometimes.
I think we are a good influence on each other!
I enjoy and appreciate your company! True friends are rare.
😀 La la la la la!
I hope you are feeling well today.
February 17th 2015
email from me
At some point, maybe we could have some real conversation?
I really really could use my best friend to talk to. About stuff in general.
email from Stefan
I’m driving in a slum.. Sick as a dog. I need to get better before I’ll be of any use to you.
Coming to help you food shop and being stuff to your place was extremely hard for me. I was in immense pain and horribly anxious… But I did it because we’re friends. Anyway…I shouldn’t be writing on this until I get home.
email from me
Go to a rehab. I’ll go with you and hold your hand during admission.
I’ll bring you gummy bears and art supplies!! And draw you happy pictures every day!
I’ll do whatever I can possibly do to help you get better.
email from Stefan
I can’t go to rehab at the moment. In living with my folks so if they find out over even used, they’ll disown me. And my mother will go into hyper anxiety and depression as my dad will say, “you’re killing your mother”. I know as sure as the sun rises and sets, that’s what he’ll say. Unless I figure out a way to go without them knowing. I can maybe pull off going to a seven day detox and day I’m visiting a friend. Or actually go to a friend house while I kick for a few days. But, I don’t know. I just know if they find out, I won’t be speaking with them for a long while. I wish I still lived alone. This would be so much easier.
email from me
I understand that living with your folks makes it more complicated, but the reality of the situation is that you need to go to a rehab. You are fucking miserable. If you could kick on your own and make it stick, you would have by now. Your folks might be disappointed, but you taking control of your situation and making the decision to check yourself into rehab is going to have far less a negative reaction from them then if they figure out you are using on their own, or find out you’ve been arrested, or get a call from a hospital.
Maybe you will just have to weather the fact that they will be disappointed in you. Maybe you’ve got to deal with that, to get well. Chances are, they already kind of know, but are hoping that it’s not so.
Maybe they will remember that addiction is something that is struggled with, not cured.
Or…. maybe you don’t have to tell them everything. You don’t have to tell them you’ve leapt back in full throttle. You could tell them that you’ve been in a lot of pain from your foot and that you’ve been overusing painkillers, and you are afraid it might lead to something worse. THAT is a very easily palatable tale that is all over suburbia; pill addiction getting out of control.
You might just have to go on some pills for a little while. You ARE in pain, and methadone and suboxone ARE painkillers. You might just have to go on something like that until your surgery and physical rehab is completed.
If you don’t want to go on such pills, you will have to face is that you WILL be in pain. You are going to have to get used to the idea. You are going to have to get used to the pain, and used to taking shitty useless Tylenol 3 for your current and post operative pain. And that sucks. But people do it.
My friend Coralee has repeatedly had cysts removed from her cervix, and gets no drugs whatsoever, because she’s a recovered Alcoholic.
This girl I follow online, Mandy Morbid, has a worse case of Ehlers Danlos than I do, and her stomach just doesn’t work anymore. To keep her from starving to death, she had to get a feeding tube port surgically installed straight into her small intestine. She is allergic to opiates. She’s been taking Tylenol 3, and similar useless painkillers.
That is going to have to be your reality. And it’s crappy. But it’s so much fucking better than what you are going through now.
I will go with you for the admission process. I will send you letters, if that’s allowed. I will visit, too, if that’s allowed. I will not abandon you.
But you have to stop finding excuses.
You are my best friend and I love you.
So please…. if not for your own sake, for the sake of so many people that really care about you, take care of yourself and find a rehab clinic to go to.
email from Stefan
I definitely didn’t explain myself correctly.
My parents have stated clearly that they can’t go thru it again. There will be no disappointment. It will be over between us. They don’t kind of know at all. If they did, I’d be out.
I’m not finding excuses. In telling you the situation I’m facing. I’m not enjoying using.
And suboxone and methadone are pain killers for people who aren’t on them. After a week if use, they no longer do anything other than make you function. It’s the equivalent of being on heroin without getting high. And kicking methadone and sub are nearly as bad. I’ve been on all three, and kicked all three. There’s no taking some pills or any of that stuff for me. You’re not an addict, and the stuff youre suggesting is so telling of that. It’s my fault for not illustrating the actual severity of what that means.
Heroin, methadone, suboxone, and subutex all have specific methods of action. I have years of experience with these, and I don’t wanna be on any of them.
Your friend has painful cysts. And take no pills. I’m all to familiar with that dedication. But, you know I don’t live being compared to people.
I was clean for years when I got out of jail. I crashed into a mirror, and had my head stapled, and my my arm and hand stitched while refusing painkillers. The stapler in my head felt like an industrial carpet stapler. And felt like one. I was also in a car accident, had surgery on my toe, and dental work all without pain killers. It’s not the pain. I already said that to you when we were texting. It’s the void, the panic, the anxiety. The feeling of trepidation. And that is something I can’t put into words at the moment. Not to mention never taking benzos for my debilitating anxiety they those years. I’ve also kicked them and don’t wanna go thru that again.
I’m in no sort of denial or making excuses. I’m on heaping loads of dope. I need to stop.
The the thing with my parents is so much more serious than I’m explaining. They say it all the time, “after this cancer, my body and heart couldn’t take you being on drugs again, it wouldn’t end well”. I have to hear those things all the time.
I know you care about me. And I care about you, that’s why I’m telling you the truth about what’s going on. There’s so much more to this than I’m explaining I guess. I’m not happy or having fun. I’ve done it before, I could do it again. I’ll get clean. I don’t wanna get a settlement while using. That’s for sure.
I know what you’re saying. I know you care. As a friend, just be there for me to talk.
email from me
If you want to tell your folks that you are going away for a while, you can use me as an alibi. Tell them you are going to drive me to visit Roseanne in Vermont.
If I lived alone, I would ask you to stay with me for a week or two to kick. Perhaps I should have offered that when I first moved in, while <boyfriend> was away for work. I’m sorry I didn’t. If I could offer you my home now, I would, but there’d be no privacy, and I know you wouldn’t want to go through that in front of <boyfriend>, who you don’t know.
>>As a friend, just be there for me to talk.<<
I can do that. But at the same time, I also feel, as your friend, that I have to be honest with you. I’m not trying to be a jerk. What you’ve been doing, on your own, without rehab and without drugs, hasn’t been working. You clearly need a different tactic, and yes, some assistance of some kind. Don’t be too proud to save yourself.
>>They say it all the time, “after this cancer, my body and heart couldn’t take you being on drugs again, it wouldn’t end well”. I have to hear those things all the time.<<
But you ARE on drugs. And the way you are going, they ARE going to find out. Soon. Better that they find out when you are trying to help yourself than when you are arrested, no?
Staying an addict because your parents will be upset to find that you went to rehab is…. ridiculous. And harmful to you. And increasing the chances every day that they will find out on their own.
This is your life. Your survival. Your ability to not be in prison, or not be dead. If you have to damage your relationship with your parents to save your fucking LIFE, then do it. You are worth too much.
If you feel you need to hide it, and can’t be honest about needing help, then you shouldn’t live there. That isn’t a supportive environment. In fact, living where you needn’t pay rent is probably a terrible situation for you to be in.
That being said, you were living on your own before you lived at home, and that didn’t provide you with the environment that allowed you to kick, so how different would it be if you didn’t live at home now? Why didn’t you just kick when you were living in your apartment before, if that’s the issue?
If your leg is in that much pain, are you capable of letting the withdrawal run it’s course? And what will you do during your surgery? And directly after? That’s going to be far beyond some head staples.
At the very least, find yourself a counselor. Please. At least that. At the very least.
I think you are an amazing human being, who is stronger than most people I’ve ever met, with a kindness and a drive to do good for others that rivals any I’ve witnessed. You are a talented artist, with quick wit and a willingness to stand up for what is right. You saved me from my misery, and from hunger, and from loneliness. I only knew you as a sober person, and it gave me strength.
I will do whatever is in my power to help you. Because you are worth it.
email from Stefan
I just read the line”staying an addict to not upset your parents is ridiculous “. I can’t any further right now. I just wrote that last email to explain that that isn’t at all what’s happening. I’m getting really anxious and irritated. I’ll read it later.
email from me
Ok. Changing the topic.
I think you need more joy in your life. So every day, I’ll send you something happy.
February 18th 2015
email from me
Putin having to stand by and listen to the Egyptian military play the Russian national anthem:
BAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!
February 19th 2015
email from me
Adorable blog of a dog named Momo who likes to hide for photographs:
February 20th 2015
email from me
Turn the sound on.
<dead link>
February 21st 2015
email from me
He looks like such a friendly guy!
http://twistedsifter.com/2015/02/patrick-worlds-oldest-and-largest-living-wombat/
February 23rd 2015
email from me
YEEEEEEHAH!!!
http://www.earthporm.com/worlds-tiniest-rodeo-photographer-captures-frog-riding-a-beetle/
email from Stefan
Very cool. BTW, who’s this John zorg guy? I’ve seen enough of his input to see Hes pretty condescending. Seems like a know it all, that doesn’t know it all.
email from me
Good assessment. You haven’t even been privy to his insane politics yet.
I actually had it out with him a bit on facebook a few months ago over his knowing everything attitude. I was having issues with the kittens I rescued, and he was debating the legitimacy of my actions, when my actions were recommended to me by the veterinarian who runs the Feral Cat program in NYC. He’s actually toned it down a lot with his interactions with me since then.
He’s a Vietnam vet in his 60’s who could be an extra on Sons of Anarchy. He tried to date me. He’s too old for me. He’s literally older than my Dad. His current girlfriend of two years or so is like 28 or something.
February 24th 2015
emails from stefan
To expensive for me to actually get my old macbook fixed, but I got the kit so I could take out the hard drive and hook it up to be an external, so I could at least get everything off of it. My dad never uses his brand new iMac, so I started my own account on it, and installed all the adobe goodies I still had. At least for now, I have access to all my shit until I get a new laptop.
And in not surprised that he’s a wacky know it all vet that hunts younger women.
email from me
I’m glad you could at least salvage your old stuff.
I hope you are doing well today. I had to hang out with my mom. I am still angry over it.
February 25th 2015
email from me
February 26th 2015
email from me
I hope things are going well with you.
February 27th 2015
email from me
😀
email from Stefan
I don’t know if my texts are working, but I asked how youre feeling.
email from me
Hey. Sorry, it did work. I had my phone in my pocket, too. I just forgot I had it on the Do Not Disturb setting still.
I don’t know. I keep getting headache, though right now it seems to have subsided. Right now my insides are fucking wrenching. I just ordered food, and I’m hoping that will make me feel better.
If you are going to end up by me later, let me know. I’ll shower the filth off. I’ve been in my PJs for a few days now.
email from Stefan
Yeah…. I’m in a weird head place today. I’m getting myself together to get our of here. I’ll prob end up driving around all night from place to place. Ill see you a little later.
Im actually about to make my way on 17… Of you’re up for driving around a bit, or going to a diner, coffee shop, whatever. Lemme know.
email from me
Just hopped out of the shower.
March 2nd 2015
email from me
Wheeeeee!!!! ow.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tasneemnashrulla/the-tale-of-the-weasel-and-woodpecker?
March 3rd 2015
email from me
I don’t have anything happy to send at the moment, but…. helloooo! I hope you are not on the roads!
March 4th 2015
email from me
Get motivated!!
http://magazine.good.is/articles/herzog-inspirational-posters
March 6th 2015
email from me
http://boingboing.net/2015/03/06/cat-hugs-dog-who-was-missed.html
Today’s joy.
Wanna go sit at a diner with me? Or something?
March 21st 2015
email from me
I know you are having a rough time these days.
I was thinking about stuff, and I just wanted to let you know that the time I spent in Ocean Grove was the safest I ever felt in life (since I was a kid) and that’s due to you (well, and my naive belief that my family wouldn’t kick me out). You really made me feel like I had someone really looking out for me and looking after me. It was a very important time for me, and I thank you for that. Feeling safe is not something I am used to.
I worry about you these days, and fear you aren’t honest with yourself. If you can get clean on your own, then …. why aren’t you clean? If it takes a few days of hiding out and getting the sickness overwith, then ….. why isn’t it done?
If that isn’t possible, if you can’t manage to stay clean long enough to make it through, then… then you may have to face that you can’t do it on your own. That’s not a failure, that’s how it works sometimes. If that’s the case, then you need to find another solution.
Please please please do let me know if I can do anything to productively help you. I do not mean to pester, only to …. give hope? To remind you there is a world that isn’t all dark and sick and grimy. I’m not blind. I can see the grim world. But there’s so much goodness in the world, and you can be part of it. You belong as part of it.
If I can give you a fraction of the safe feeling you’d given me, please let me do so.
Sitting still and hugging might help. Just…. nonsexual-yet-intimate closeness. Feeling connected. I’ll come by and keep you company through the rough patches, if you need. I don’t care if you’ll be pukey and ill. We’ve had the flu together. You brought me to the ER. I think I owe you enough for that to be ok.
Anyway.
That’s all.
Try to treat yourself as well as I want you to be treated.
email from Stefan
Thanks. It’s a day to day battle. Kicking is something that can be done. I’m sure I can do it… And want to (which is the ONLY way it’s gonna happen). You have to want to.
There’s so many variables right now that make it complex. Anyway… I’m in a shit mood right now.
I scraped up some gas money & went to an antique store. They didn’t even want the picture. They said that they wouldn’t even take our if I donated it. Then they said they wanted mirrors in frames and old toys. I was like, okay… Bye. And had to bring it back. Then… On the way home. The weather being all snowy and slushy, some old guy hit me. Fucked up my whole front end. Had to stand miserable in the snow, making a police report. Now, my insurance will go up, I can’t even bring the car to a shop till Monday. And it might not even be worth the fix. If the damage is worth more than the cars worth… It’ll get totaled. I’m… Speechless with anger. I’ll write more when I’m able to breathe normally. Ugh.
email from me
Jesus christ, man. Were you cursed by an old man in a car at some point? Holy crap.
Did the police report full full blame on the old guy? I fucking hope so.
email from Stefan
Nope. I was making a left and he came towards me and made a wide turn to go around me. It’s a mess to explain, but 9 times out of 10(in NJ anyway) the person making the turn is at fault. So I’ll prob get fucked.
Even though it wasn’t my fault and I gained control best I could afterwards. It’s all so fuckin…. Ugh… My blood is boiling. And I have no vehicle just to go take a drive to get a coffee or anything.
I’m getting close to the end of my rope.
email from me
Well…..
This might be a stupid thing to say, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise, making it more difficult for you to take a ride to Paterson. Maybe this is a good time to hide out and get yourself clean while you don’t have wheels. By the time the car issue is resolved, you could be fucking done with all this business!! 😀
I’d come visit you when you aren’t feeling well. I can bring you heating pads and watch movies with you once the worst of it is over.
March 24th 2015
email from stefan
Weirdest shit. I told myself last night when I wake up I’m gonna call my lawyer & let him yell at me again for not getting the surgery yet. Hoping that would get me motivated. As well as to inquire on the status of the case.
Instead, he woke me up with a phone call telling me that made an I initial offer of 25k. Meaning he could get about 60 to 75k now.
Then he said… “That’s how they play. If you said to me I’m moving to Alaska in a week, I’m not getting any surgery and just want my money… That’s what you’re looking at. But if you wait, hwy the surgery and recover, then it will be 99% double or triple that amount. You tell me what you wanna do.”
So… That’s where I’m at.
It’s so hard to not just take the money. (Even if I just got 25k. That’s a lot of fuckin money for someone who’s negative five bucks in their checking account). But, if I wait, and tell them in not ready to settle, then there’s going to be a lot more. The wait can possibly be up to another year though.
I don’t fuckin know what to do.
March 25th 2015
email from me
Do not settle. Don’t do it. Clean up, get surgery, and then have that entire ordeal totally documented as a LOOK A REVISION SURGERY THAT FURTHER FUCKED MY LIFE UP! that will be even more fodder for your case. Listen to your lawyer. Besides, you said yourself you want to be clean when you get the money. Needing to het the surgery first will ensure that.
Also, think about how much easier and more rewarding it will be giving your folks that Fuck You Money if you get the full amount.
Also, think about it this way: taking $25 now when you could get $75 later is a junky way to think. Don’t do that. 75 could buy you a fucking HOUSE just outright. That could buy you the stability to never EVER have to rely on your folks for anything ever again.
I can’t imagine how much more incentive you could GET to get clean and get your surgery overwith. Most people just get stark reality and pain in return. You’ll get functionality and LOTS OF CASH!!!!! Maybe you could start up that goth strip club idea you had. Which I thought was brilliant.
Also, you know that you’d not have negative $5 in your checking account if you were clean. So get clean, and don’t use being broke as an excuse. You used to drive down and visit me, buy me groceries, take us out for meals, and drive all the way back, and do that every week, while paying around $1000 every month towards rent and maintenance.
But now, you are broke?
You aren’t paying RENT now. I get as much as you do in Disability, while paying rent, utilities, and buying my own food. You DO NOT need to be as broke as you are.
Get clean.
Give your folks some rent money while you are staying with them to get them off your back. Just a couple of hundred a month. You’d be able to do that easily. Start paying them the Fuck You Money now.
You also have to be realistic about the surgery. You’ve got to talk to doctors and anestesiologists who will work with you and give you non-opiods during and after the procedure.
Please, don’t fuck off about this. That much money could really change your life. $25k will be gone in a heartbeat. 75k could really give you the opportunity to get you settled in a comfortable life trajectory.
email from Stefan
I don’t use anything as an excuse. You’ve said that Lot. I would’ve told my lawyer to get the money yesterday if I was not considering things and just used the excuse of needing money.
I know why I’m broke. But being broke is being broke. Especially when you have money being offered.
I guess I make the mistake of conning across like I need to be reminded over and over what’s wrong with me. We both know where I’m at. Just cause I’m not saying it over and over doesn’t mean I forgot.
I’m not gonna be stupid. And I’m not looking at this in junkie way.
I’m probably the only broke heroin addict on the planet that is turning down 25k on the spot. Just the fact that I’m thinking about it shows how much will power I have.
Anyway… I already decided to get the surgery and turn down the offer. I deserve more… And I have a plan.
email from me
I am so glad! 😀
I am not saying things to put you down in any way, just trying to be harshly realistic, which seems necessary when discussing a situation such as this.
And again, I offer my help and company.
Oh, any news about the car?
email from Stefan
No news about the car. I went to enterprise and got a rental for now though. Luckily my policy covers it.
April 14th 2015
email from me
Hey dude.
Just saying halloooo. Hoping everything is going ok in your world!
My world has highs and lows. I got to see Hedwig, and got kissed by John Cameron Mitchell, which was really kind of amazing. I’m still riding that high, in all honesty.
I was reading up on agoraphobia recently, and read this:
Research has uncovered a linkage between agoraphobia and difficulties with spatial orientation.Individuals without agoraphobia are able to maintain balance by combining information from their vestibular system, their visual system and their proprioceptive sense. A disproportionate number of agoraphobics have weak vestibular function and consequently rely more on visual or tactile signals. They may become disoriented when visual cues are sparse (as in wide open spaces) or overwhelming (as in crowds). Likewise, they may be confused by sloping or irregular surfaces. In a virtual reality study, agoraphobics showed impaired processing of changing audiovisual data in comparison with non-suffering subjects.
Chronic use of tranquilizers and sleeping pills such as benzodiazepines has been linked to onset of agoraphobia. In 10 patients who had developed agoraphobia during benzodiazepine dependence, symptoms abated within the first year of assisted withdrawal. Similarly, alcohol use disorders are associated with panic with or without agoraphobia; this association may be due to the long-term effects of alcohol misuse causing a distortion in brain chemistry. Tobacco smoking has also been associated with the development and emergence of agoraphobia, often with panic disorder; it is uncertain how tobacco smoking results in anxiety-panic with or without agoraphobia symptoms, but the direct effects of nicotine dependence or the effects of tobacco smoke on breathing have been suggested as possible causes. Self-medication or a combination of factors may also explain the association between tobacco smoking and agoraphobia and panic.
Both of which apply to me, and you. I thought you might find it interesting.
I miss having a car. It really helped the agoraphobia. Like being outside in the world, but in my own safe cocoon.
I’ve been catching up with the Venture Brothers. Man, does that show make me laugh my ass off. Like, consistently. If you need some good brain chemicals exploding in your mind, give that a rewatch. I’d never watched beyond the third season, and MAN, it really continues to be a laugh-riot, and the animation improves a lot as well.
Have you watched Daredevil? It’s pretty good. I’ve only watched the first two episodes, but it’s shot really well, and the fight scenes are GREAT.
Anyhoooooo….. Blah dee blah. Hope you are hanging in there, and your lawsuit and car search go well!
email from Stefan
I’m not sure who that Mitchell guy is but I guess he’s like… The lead? I’ve never been a hedwig fan but I’m sure it was very fun. That’s good.
The car search is awful. The few things I’ve found are always old ads and they say, “I’m sorry, we just sold it”.
I’ll respond to the rest when I’m not driving.
email from me
John Cameron Mitchell is the original Hedwig, the guy who created and orignated the role, starred in the film, and is reprising the role on broadway for a limited run. It’s….. he’s like… THE GUY.
April 30th 2015
email from me
Hello!
Hope you are doing alrighty.
I just had a whirlwind of Hedwig attendances. I’ve made a friend of a WFMU DJ, who really wanted a companion for her Hediwg obsession. So…. now I’ve been dragged into the obsession. I think it’s helped my brain feel better about my wierd stupid gender confusion.
I’m thinking of going on a low dose of testosterone. Not enough to become manly, but enough to be less womanly and matronly. I think of myself as an inbetweener, as an androgyne. I’d like to look like one. It seems there’s a lot of people who are inbetweeners now. Young people are all sorts of gender bendy these days. I’m looking to find a gender therapist. It seems low doses of testosterone changes the way fat is distributed, which I would appreciate. I think it might help with my other health issues as well, since testorsterone makes it much easier to amass muscle. I could use the extra muscle to keep my joints in better health.
I watched an interview with John Cameron Mitchell (the original Hedwig, and creator of the character) recently. He was a Christian republican and in the closet until his 20’s. He was saying that the whole pronoun stuff is really “first world problems” and I agree with him. I suppose it’s not something that 20 somethings can grasp, that a very short time ago you couldn’t just BE as you were, let alone complain about someone calling you “he” when you preferred “she”. They get in such uproar over minor crap.
Anyway….
Just seeing how you are doing.
(MAKE SOME ART! MAKE SOME NEW STUFF! STOP POSTING OLD STUFF! YOU HAVE SO MUCH GREATNESS IN YOU!!)
email from Stefan
My old stuff is making me feel a bit better about doing new stuff. I have mountains of drawings. Why not post them. Their new to a lot of people. Its either that or they go in a shredder. Or a box that time will forget, like has happened to so many of my books. But yeah… I’m working on me stuff. And even started a painting.
Again, I’m not a Hedwig fan. But you seem to be on this scene pretty hard. I guess if it’s doing anything positive for you, that’s good.
email from me
Hey, I was trying to be encouraging, not critical.
I’m so glad you are painting again. You are too excellent at it to not.
email from Stefan
I find it to be quite crazy odds that out of 275 Beatles’ songs (and I went thru a online list again), we have the same two favorite songs.
Like, I’d find it crazy coincidental if we even liked one of the same songs. But we both fav “oh darlin’” & “I want you(she’s so heavy” out of again, 275 songs.
Cooool
email from me
😀
We are of the same tastes!
Awesomely cool people like other awesomely cool people, i suppose!
We message and talk via phone more than email, which I don’t have records of, and see each other a few times.
June 23rd 2015
email from me
Saw this, and though you would enjoy drawing it.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/former-worlds-fattest-man-poses-1880798
June 24th 2015
email from Stefan
Cool. Thanks.
I outed myself to my parents today.
I said, “I’ve been going thru a lot, etc. And I’ve been shooting heroin again. The lies can’t go on. I can’t get better, while trying to maintain that kind of lie.”
They were obviously upset but said they’ll do what they can.
I said, “just stay around me for the next few days. You’re gonna see me sweat, shake, and be in tons of physical & emotional pain while shuffling around in a bath robe for the next four days”.
I also have my brother his car keys back, so I have no way of getting there. And went to shop rite and got a bunch of OTC meds to help a little.
So, I may be texting & emailing you the next few days random crazed gibberish.
I did my last this morning so I already feel the effects wearing off.
Here we go.
email from me
I am so very fucking proud of you.
So fucking proud.
You are so awesome.
I’m dogsitting in Newark right now. My sleeping pills are kicking in a bit, but if you’d like to call and talk, I can stay up for a bit.
Or at any point, do feel free to text, email, call. I’m a lot better about noticing my phone than I used to be.
If you’d like a visitor to keep you company while we watch movies, or someone to hold you tight when you need it, say the word, and I’ll get a ride.
You guys should do this!
http://onemorepost.com/three-brothers-recreat-childhood-photos/
There’s three pages. It’s annoying, but the pictures are pretty amusing.
June 26th 2015
email from me
I found the perfect cane for you!
<dead link>
It’s awesome!!!
July 3rd 2015
email from Stefan
What’s going on…. How u holding up? Everything alright?
July 4th 2015
email from me
Yeah, man! I’m finally feeling human again. I went out yesterday and stayed out late and everything! Yay! Finally finished those antibiotics, too.
How about you? You feeling ok? Still painting?
July 5th 2015
email from me
How was your Independence Day?
July 8th 2015
email from me
Hope you are doing well.
How’s the homestead? How’s the art making?
email from Stefan
I’m…. Trying. This is, so fuckin awful Rachael. This cold turkey shit is for the birds (no pun intended).
It’s agony. Pure agony. The anxiety is what I am having the hardest time with. Though, I wouldn’t wish exec the physical withdrawals on my worst enemy.
What little OTC meds I have I guess make me groggy enough to sleep for 20_min here and there.
I don’t know. It’s just gonna have to be how it is.
I was reading about to two ex active addicts that had kids. They said the withdrawal was similar to labor (the cramps and such.
I read one woman in Poland was in a 35% tilted back position in labor for 2 and a half months. She couldn’t leave the bed once or it could’ve killed the twins. She had to have everything arranged to happen in the bed. She couldn’t even go to the toilet. But, she endured it for the future safety of the kids. That’s a long time to be in that kind of pain. She was being pumped with lots of drugs. But, still damn.
I don’t know what I’m taking about. I’m freaking out.
email from me
Maybe going to a psych doctor for some anxiety meds for the meantime would help?
I’m sure that living with your folks during this isn’t helping the anxiety.
Perhaps watching something comforting would ease the anxiety? I find watching movies and shows that I have lost myself in previously are good ways to calm myself. Nothing too emotionally heavy, of course, or bad-memory triggering. Batman the Animated Series puts me in a wonderfully happy place. Samurai Jack, perhaps?
If company would help, I could visit you. We could just sit in an air conditioned room, watching things, with the soothing physical contact of touching shoulders.
Man, I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. You are welcome to call me, as well. Whenever. My sleeping schedule keeps changing. I do sleep a lot these days, thanks to Trazodone.
I’m trying to figure out if i have a malpractice case against the nurse who punctured my lung. I’m not sure what to do about that.
Or, maybe I should forgo the suit, and just return to the office and use my not suing as leverage to get Marinol or something?
Do you have a laptop or tablet? Or access to one? I have a ga-zillion comics I’ve downloaded. I could send you some to read.
I am not having a good day myself. I keep breaking into hives, and today my arms and feet are numb. I was hoping to go to the mall, just to be somewhere, and be in the air conditioning. I could have gone, but ….. I’ve never gone there from here on my own with public transport, and it’s hot out. Maybe I’ll take a cab. There’s all these phone app car services now. I have an Uber account, but maybe I’ll try Lyft tomorrow and see if it’s cheaper.
Or maybe I’ll just stay home. This fucking weather is giving me a migraine.
I don’t know.
In adorable news, my cats like to lick my toes. I swear, they are like teddy bear cats. Not a mean bone in them. So doofy!
July 11th 2015
email from me
Hey.
I’m spending the day researching investing and buying stocks. Listening to the BBC news regularly has gotten me interested in investing overseas. You may want to do some research yourself… maybe find some relatively safe investments that will give you long term profit. I’m looking into Vodafone. Whatever I can find that seems stable, and is invovled with technology in subsaharan Africa or India. Iran, too, once the talks with them end up calming things down.
I’m going to see if I can find any drug or biotech companies in Cuba, too. I have a feeling this country is going to fall financially, and I dont’ want to be stuck relying on it for my ability to pay my bills. I look at what has happened in Greece, and I fear becoming one of those pensioners who’s monthly stipend gets just by 60%.
Hey, do you know anyone who’d want an interior organizer / stylist? I’m gonna try and do that for money on the side, if possible. I’ll charge cheap rates, just $15 an hour to start, if they’ll let me photograph the before and after for a portfolio.
…….
I wrote all that yesterday, then succumbed to a gnarly migraine. I’m fighting one off today. It’s difficult not to be really angry at the chain of events that had me living at my Aunt Mary’s house and got me reinfected with the Lyme Disease that has now crippled me with constant headache, and seems to be taking my vocabulary away from me even faster than it was before.
But I’m trying.
I’m thinking of starting a project. Faces of Illness. Photographing and interviewing people about their state of life and how it is to live with their ailments. I’m not good at projects for my own glory or career, but for the betterment or joy of others, I’ll work quite hard. If this could help bring light to the plight of many people. show how fucked up the medical system is, then I’d like to do so.
Maybe I could finally have a reason to travel!
Are you feeling any better? I do hope so.
email from Stefan
I have horrible relatives from FLA here for a few days. They’re unbearable.
I’m feeling awful. This sucks. Obviously.
I was offered 25k from the insurance company. My lawyer laughed and I told him to counter with 90k.
Within two months, well done to a settlement. So I guess I better start researching some things you said.
Yeah, this country is definitely headed to a financial collapse of some sort. I wanna make sure I have a nest egg.
I’m trying to get a plan going. I’m gonna get a legit movie camera and wanna make a documentary on the state of the two-state area and how it’s really not the wonderland the globe aspires to get to. The big Apple is really a roting joke of inequality and ran by corruption and drugs. I started working out my approach of how I wanna film it. I want every shot to be like a painting. With stills of paintings over narration.
email from me
Buy yourself a three family home. Give yourself a free place to live and the automatic income from tenants to pay off the mortgage! That’s what I’d do. That, or buy a mobile trailer and travel all of North and South America.
July 13th 2015
email from Stefan
I wrote that last email in a daze and didn’t explain anything right. My mind is mush and I’m an anxious mess of fighting temptation and having 20 minute stints of sleep with horrid dreams making me wake up in puddles of sweat and shaking. I got a long road ahead of me.
July 14th 2015
email from me
It is good you have an obsession with art to turn to. I hope you can fill yourself with that burning need, the burning desire to create, to get back to the path you’d been on, a path that was sustaining you and showing you great artistic progress. Man, that huge self portrait you’d had hanging at that bar was really amazing. You’ve got more if that in you. When you feel you are willing to trust yourself with the temptation of driving around again, maybe we could go to figure drawing once a week! Or just hang out and draw.
I am sorry it’s hard, but you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.
July 16th 2015
email from me
I had a dream with you last night. You were helping me prepare for my first day at some crappy mall job.
I hope you are doing well!