June 6th 2013
email from me
I am killing time in Jersey City so I don’t have to deal w my roommate. Want to grab coffee or something? It’s nearly 5.
email from Stefan
I would….but I’m in pretty bad shape right now. I’m vomiting and crawling around on my floor in my apartment. I’m not going anywhere right now. Damn….your roomie is that bad you just would rather not even want to be around them?
email from me
Here. I wish I could ask you to call.
You’d do me the favor of letting me get some venting out, and perhaps you could do w distraction. But my phone is broken and only rings, no other sound.
Wait! I have headphones! Call me!
email from Stefan
If I feel like I could talk when I get out of the shower….I’ll call you.
email from me
Okey dokey.
Well, I am just sitting in a Starbucks in JC writing out story ideas and listening to WFMU w my phone. I would give whatever strength I have to you if I could. I believe in you and your awesomeness and ability to persevere, even if things are awful and grim at the moment.
Anyway, I am gonna be here for a while. I’ll tell you when I leave for the PATH. Until then, if you feel up for it, give a call.
June 11th 2013
email from me
Hey, I don’t know if I’ve ever asked you this before. I know I have a bunch of images that you’d sent me from time to time, but could you send me a zip file of the biggest most original images of all the stuff you and I did together?
I feel like I have big holes in my scattered collection of images that I know you at least had documented or saved in some way.
email from Stefan
Sure…..but at the moment I’m trying to figure out a doc to go to. My heels are swollen and red….bad circulation and they feel like they’re retaining fluid. Laying down not moving has really messed up my feet. They’re tender and I have to find someone to give me a med to get my blood going or whatever…I know they pump steroids sometimes….I don’t know…this sucks. They feel weird and it’s freaking my out.
email from me
Christ, man. Is that just the foot version of what happens to hands? That sounds awful.
Dude, I think it’s time to go and get some help somewhere. You are doing enough that it’s fucking with your health in extra odd ways. It’s effecting your ability to make art. You aren’t painting. (unless you’ve got some Frida Kahlo shit rigged above your bed, which I doubt)
That’s not a fault of your own, or some kind of flaw of character. It’s what happens when addiction comes into play. Especially what happens when you may have been exposed to pills of some kind when you were fetal, and especially what happens when you started delving into this kind of thing when you were quite young.
Getting clean on your own doesn’t stick. It isn’t enough. Being stubborn and doing it on your own is not helping. Put down the ego. Let the sober self preservation take over. Do everything you can, INCLUDING asking for and using the help of others.
(I am one of those others)
You’ve GOT to find a therapist/psychologist that you can go to and be honest with. Until you deal with some of your demons, this shit is ALWAYS going to resurface. I know you seem to think that they wouldn’t know what to do with you, but I guarantee you can find yourself a counselor who deals with people in similar situations far more than you like to think. There’s lots of addicts in the world. In this, you are not special.
HOWEVER.
You are fucking special to me, and I swear to every deity I don’t believe in that I will do all sorts of stupid crap and break myself in a million ways tracking you down and getting you some help if you don’t do it for yourself.
(also, I will mail you something fun every day you stay clean for a year)
email from Stefan
I made an appointment. I’m gonna get my shit straight.
email from me
Pleeeeeeeaaaaaase do. And please don’t do it all on your own. You don’t have to, and by doing so you are only saving your pride at the expense of EVERYTHING ELSE. If my phone wasn’t stupid, I’d tell you to call me at any moment, and I’d come and meet you at a PATH station whenever needed. Hopefully, I’ll get my phone situation sorted this week though, and I can actually offer this and mean it.
Did you ever look at the google page yesterday? Sendak!
You just have medicaid, or do you have Medicare as well? I’m loving the Medicare. All my doctors are at fancy places in midtown Manhattan. They actually treat me well! The actually believe me. But maybe the whole eyepatch and cane thing sort of helps me out in that regard.
Anyhooooo, pleeease do get anything you have that we made together to me! I’d also just like to have a good big copy of anything you’ve got. For my own safe keeping. I’m being much more anal retentive about safety of my records. I lost all of my 20’s, and that’s really rough. It still makes me choke up and want to punch things.
email from me
[excerpt]
I do still end up in Jersey City on a weekly basis. If you give me your phone number, I can actually text you when I’m around, and maybe we can sit on a bench looking at the Freedom Tower and chat for a while before I PATH home.
Treat yourself well! Treat yourself the way I think you deserve to be treated! Treat yourself as kindly as you treated me.
You seem to sometimes care about my opinions on things, so I am going to tell you: You don’t think highly of yourself enough. You are really a fabulous person who ALMOST ALWAYS gives of himself to those deserving to the point of self sacrifice (without them even knowing), and someone who deserves a fulfilling and positive life.
You’d better take that into consideration. Let it sink in. I care about you, and I care about a very few fucking people. (Five, maybe?)
Today’s assigniment: DO SOMETHING NICE and POSITIVE for yourself.
Because it’s awesome when you laugh.
JUNE 15TH 2013
email from me
I’m just being a pest.
poking at you.
*poke poke poke*
Are you doing ok? How are your feet? Did you get to a doctor or anything?
My phone can only text, not talk, but I am sitting at a computer, and I’ve got Gchat, mister! We can converse with spoken words instead of typing! Consider that!
email from Stefan
Yeah….used zocdoc and went to a podiatrist in Fort Lee. He said I just had a little circulation issue due to stress. I’ve always had bad circulation when stressed….fingers & toes get cold. He said it’s nothing to worry about….he looked over charts from my tests I’ve had done. Everything is fine.
I’m the fuckin’ picture of physical health. The world’s healthiest miserable junkie mental train wreck. And I’m out shopping because I worked like a zombie for a few days….I barely sleep….and I scared people….so….it’s funny. Ha. Ha.
email from me
Scared people?
Well, I’m glad it’s all ok! 😀
(whew!)
Buy yourself something awesome!
June 25th 2013
email from me
Have you ever panhandled?
Well, I’m about to. I’m planning it out, and I guess I’ll go and try it out tomorrow, as long as the heat isn’t too oppressive. I was wondering if you had any tips.
I went to New Providence yesterday and snagged some stuff from Junk Night (some chairs and a rake for my back yard, and bunches of frames mostly). While I was there I also snagged my bike, and Aunt Mary let me take her old bike as well, since she’d junked the bike frame i’d wanted to restore. I really and truly will always cherish the fact that you bought me that bike on a trip to get milk. That bike got me through a hard hard time, and gave me a lot of mobility that I really desperately needed. I don’t want to, but i might have to consider selling it. i feel like an ass doing so, and I wanted to ask you first.
I got some photos accepted into an art show, and I can’t afford the printing costs. i need them by the fifth, and i’m out of food stamps and I only have $17 til my cash comes through, and my phone got shut off…..
Yeah. Panhandling and selling off belongings. Trying to hold it together.How are you doing? I hope things are going as good as they could be!
email from Stefan
Things are not going great. On my way to go get some xanax from a guy I got into a minor car accident. So…already sleepless and full of anxiety…then talking to a cop in 93 degree weather making a report in a shady area. Fun. It was his fault….and my insurance should take care of most of the damage….so at least I’m not gonna flip out completely.
Anyway…I’m struggling big time….but things have to start looking better soon….because I really can’t fathom how they could get any worse. Albeit, I’ve said that line so many times and saw how untrue that has been. It’s amazing how bad things could get. But never surprising.
Panhandling huh? Well…I’d rather you sell the bike than panhandle…or both. I know how hard shit gets. I’ve sold plenty of my shit….scrounged for change for days to go to the coin star….etc.
I’ve been doing tattoos obviously to make a quick few bucks here & there when bills come. I always try and hustle before panhandling. I’ve always tried to come up with a “thing” rather than ask people for money. My demeanor isn’t conducive to that. You’d have much more luck than me. Good luck & be careful.
email from me
Yup. You never think things can get worse. Until they do.
I can’t sleep. I have a doctor appointment in the morning and I’m terrified because of the heat.
I can’t deal with my roommate who is afraid of asking hte landlord to get an exterminator so we live with a cockroach infestation while he doesn’t understand what CLEANING is and gets blackout drunk every weekend. And also makes the whole apartmetn in mood lighting even if he’s just in his room, and does so with non energy saving lightbulbs, so our electic bill is eating into my meager amount of money.
I was going to panhandle today, but the heat is too out of control. I’m not sure what I’m gong to do for the art show I was accepted into. <Boyfriend> isn’t too pleased about my notion of doing that, and feels it reflects on his ability to take care of me. Well, to be honest, it kind of does, but he’s been doing a lot for me for a while and I’ve tapped him dry, I feel like. Ridiculous irony that the only people who understand the struggle are those also going through it, and those who could actually take care of me are too distant and judgemental to have any true understanding or compassion for what a rough life is.
All that being said, there really are some awesome and fabulous people in the world. The people of WFMU are pretty awesome.
Fuck, I hate summer here.
I’m hungry.
Now I’m afraid to sleep because I keep finding cochroaches in my fucking bedroom. EArlier today I found one in the hallway that was, I kid you not THREE FUCKING INCHES LONG.
God, my life is depressing.
I live in a hot cochroach infested apartment that looks like PeeWee’s Punk House, and it’s too expensive for me and I can’t afford to move and I’m on the verge of panhandling. Not really what I thought I’d be up to at age 36.
June 26th 2013
email from me
If you end up willing and wanting to trek across the river, I could definitely use a person to hang with who wasn’t <Boyfriend> for a change. (I mean no offense to <Boyfriend>, I just start to feel a bit in a claustrophobic conversation rut if it’s just he and I hanging out every other day)
June 27th 2013
email from me
Do you know anything about …. photo printing and gallery standards?
if I got one of these, do you think that’d be acceptable for an art show?
http://www.adoramapix.com/app/products/mounting
It’s a pretty decent venue with some pretty known artists. I don’t want to fuck it up, yknow?
But then, I don’t think the photos they picked are that great. I’ve got three images. I want them to look good, so I can’t have them too large.
email from Stefan
I’ve been going thru withdrawal in a bed for 3 days so far…I won’t get into the amount of pain and anxiety…but I was [ REDACTED ]. And I’m still in serious pain. Haven’t eaten and it’s hard to move….and so hard to not just run and use.
I’ll be better at giving advice when I’m back to semi-human. Even writing this is painful. I think what you have planned is good way to go. Just go with it.
email from me
Thanks for responding. You really didn’t have to, given what you are up to at the moment.
You are a fabulous human.
I’m really really really quite proud of what you are doing, and you’ve reminded me once again what a strong and impressive person you are. It takes a lot to willingly face the kind of wretched pain and awfulness you are experiencing. Especially on your own. I wish you as much luck as I could possibly wish you.
I really really hope you make it. I know you are strong enough. I hope you care about yourself as much as I care about you, because that is quite a bit. I’m sorry you are hurting, but … you’ll be free in the long run.
Please let me know how you are doing from time to time. I’ll be thinking of you.
June 28th
email from Stefan
Thanks…I’ll shoot you a message to try to keep you up on whatever progress I hopefully make. I’m gonna go draw a bath. Sitting on my ass with my head on my knees in hot water offers minor relief for about 20 minutes here & there. Good grief though…..yowza. I can’t believe myself. I was just starting to get recognition in a few places. Even being ”searchable” on the fuckin’ Juxtapoz website, and I go throwing my life to the wind. Sigh…I’m so beyond angry with myself now. And I deserve every minute of this pain.
email from me
If you deserve the pain, at least let yourself deserve the relief of pain. You’ve had enough difficulty and strife in your life. You deserve to live well. You deserve to make art. You deserve to be free from that constant need. You deserve to feel comfortable in your skin. You deserve to lead an awesome life. You deserve better than a junkie life. You deserve so much more than that. You deserve to be healthy and happy and kick ass. You deserve the chance to show yourself off to the world.
PS. Have you tried your TENS unit? When I was kicking the morphine while I still had Lyme Disease awfulness (I’m not sure that it compares, but its the closest I’ve got), I was a mess. I ended up laying in bed with vibratey massage things on as many places as possible. (I also watched WALL-E and cried like a baby) It also helped a lot to massage my own feet with them, since they kept cramping. The TENS unit WILL help kill some of the pain. And maybe if you put it high enough it can be some good pain to kill the bad?
Stay hydrated. Try to eat when you can. And remember that you need to kick this thing in order to get where you deservedly should be in the art world, and in the lives of those around you.
Or just let spite be your inspiration! That’s always been the strongest motivator for me.
email from me
Hey. How are you doing?
June 29th
email from me
By the way, allergies are the worst this year than they have been in decades. It’s shit timing for you, because it’s going to amplify how shit you are probably already feeling.
If at any point you want someone to hang with, if you need distraction, if you need to be somewhere ELSE, let me know. I just turned my phone back on (212 *** ****) though email is often more effective than calling or texting anyway. You are always welcome to the shithole that is my apartment; PeeWee’s Punk House & Cockroach Farm.
Hope things are going well. And if they aren’t, I still like to hear from you.
email from Stefan
Eh…not sleeping much obviously. Struggling. In serious pain. And, it takes a lot for me to bitch about it. Yesterday I just took 1 single klonopin….so, I’m doing better. But, everyday is a fuckin’ struggle. It doesn’t help that [REDACTED]. This is not easy. I really don’t know how this is all gonna play out. Sigh….fuck.
email from me
Well, my offer stands. I’ve got some doctor appointments next week and a show on Friday to prepare for, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come here and chill out where nobody knows you. My roommate is….. well, I know you won’t like him and you’ll find him annoying, but he is a good guy, and he’s very much for the idea of letting people crash. So if you want to be somewhere else for a while, you can be here. And you can smoke here! (but not in my tiny bedroom)
Or, if you don’t want to go anywhere but want company, that’s what things like IMing and phone calls are for. Keep that in mind.
Hang in there, man. It WILL start to get better. If you want someone to hang with to jumpstart a shift of all your associations, I’ll hang with you and help switch up the daily patterns you’ve developed. Maybe me being around will help you remember when you were clean, since our time together was super sober.
I am a pothead these days, though. It helps with the pain and nausea I keep having.
Anyway. GOOD LUCK. I really really really hope you make it.
Regardless of how it goes, I’d like to see you and hang out soon.
Email from Stefan
Thanks….I’ll keep it in mind. <my friend’s cousin> has been beyond patient with my stupidity and horrible decision making. I busted my ass thru my addiction and financial woes to buy her a all in one dell desktop for her bday because she helped me with rent one month when I was close to being kicked out on my ass.
But like you said…sometimes you crave a different kind of company so you can be yourself in a different way. I miss our time together. I hope there is a friendship for us in the near future.
But, I am so fucked up and spend most days hating myself and debating whether I deserve any life at all. I grab my chest and arms most days…I squirm and writhe. I feel like no one understands. I feel…sigh…like I deserve to be a statistic. It’s a fruitless way to think….but, I have very little control over that thought. And in my current state….I don’t know what I can accomplish. I really don’t.
I do want to talk soon. And…I will go thru my shit and see what I could find that we worked on together. Did you lose everything?
email from me
Well, I still have some stuff of ours, but…. I’m sure there’s a lot that we never bothered to share. I still never recovered from that hard drive theft out of Maxwells.
I’m really glad that you’ve got <your friend’s cousin> around still. I’m glad you have someone to share being nice and kind with. That’s really important. She’s clearly very good to you. But if you’ve been around her while using, then maybe you need to withdraw and go back to some places that you don’t have any drug associations with for a while.
And yeah. There’s a …. there’s some pieces of me that aren’t …. There was something about our time together that was really effortless and ….. fit seamlessly…. that I don’t have with anyone else. Until things got bad, we didn’t have any issues, y’know? There wasn’t much adjusting to each other, we just…. fit. That’s hard to find. I feel like we have a …. I don’t mean for this to sound sexual, nor do I mean it to sound anti-intellectual…. but we had an understanding on a sort of physical/flesh level. Like we experience the world in a very similar way with very similar reactions to a variety of stimuli. That’s probably why many of my favorite memories of us involve food, and probably why you are the only person I’ve comfortably slept intwined with, and probably why I really enjoyed all the quiet evenings spent together just sitting at the same table.
Here’s the thing. you DO NOT DESERVE TO BE A STATISTIC. And honestly, until you believe that you deserve an awesome life, you are going to struggle a million times harder to stay clean. (and this is why I suggest seeing a therapist. that’s kind of why they are important and recommended in addict situations) But, ok, maybe your brain doesn’t work that way, maybe you can’t do it for you, if that doesn’t work for you. Instead, do it for the people that care about you. Does <your friend’s cousin> deserve to have the fellow she clearly cares so much about be a junkie? Does your Mom? Do I? The people who care about you deserve to have someone better than a statistic. And we all already care about you. We all care, and we would all be crushed if you ended up just another number.
Remember: You are NOT A NUMBER! YOU ARE A FREE MAN!
Nobody is ever gong to replace you in my world, so please, stay in it
July 1st
email from me
No need to write back, just poking at you so you know I’m thinking of you and hoping you are doing well.
*poke poke*
😀
I’ve never had my photographs really properly printed before. It’s AMAAAZING.
Anyway. I hope you are doing alright. If you need to escape for a night, if you want company, if you just want to sit silently in the dark and hug, if you don’t mind cockroaches, if you don’t want fresh air, then come to scenic Ridgewood, NY!
PS. The show I’m in, in case you had any intentions of showing up, is on Saturday, not Friday, like I mentioned previously. I’ve had all my days mixed up this week. It’s old work, and I’m kind of disappointed that this is what they picked, but…. meh.
July 2nd
email from Stefan
I’m still in pretty bad shape. My body is really having a shit time readjusting. But, I don’t want to talk about that…I’m just mentioning it because I’m not sure if I’ll be in any shape to go on Saturday.
But anyway…how big are the prints? I’ve sold some prints of my photography….I could give you an idea of a fair price.
email from me
(sucks that you feel awful, but YAY for READJUSTING! That’s AWESOME!! You are so very badass and strong for facing that willingly, regardless of the outcome! BAD FUCKING ASS. )
ahem. anyway.
The piece is about two feet by one foot, and it’s three photographs, printed as 8×10 but matted to be more narrow than that. It’s an old photograph series of mine, me with face stubble, wearing red lipstick and looking green. I don’t think they are of great quality, but they do look great on metallic ink paper.
email from Stefan
Eh…….sounds about fair.
emails from me
Dude, if you aren’t doing anything, why not audio chat with me? My phone is broken, so I can’t speak on that, and I’m currently updating the WFMU site (which I forgot to do last week), so I can’t really IM….. so call me via Gchat!
Or not. You probably want to be all alone and quiet at the moment.
Look, I’m not trying to be pushy or forward or a crazy girl or anything. I just know that you are just like me in that you WILL NOT EVER ask someone for anything if you can possibly help it, and that includes company or escape or a place to vent or whatever. So I am going to keep offering until it’s beyond stupid, knowing that you are 98% likely to turn me down every single time. That’s fine. I’m still going to keep offering and inviting and whatever. Just in case. Just in case you might maybe kinda slighly want something that I could provide. Such as some safe and familiar company that is outside from your current life.
*poke poke*
(also because I miss hanging out with you a whole bunch, and would REEEEAAAAAAAALLY like to see you and chat. My brain misses you greatly.)
July 7th 2013
email from me
It’s so fucking hot, I hate this fucking city in the summer. I really really wanted to figure out some way to escape to Sussex County for summer. Instead, I’m going to California and Nevada. I am kind of dreading it and I want to cancel.
Anyhooooo. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are feeling better. I hope you have been lucky enough to be somewhere with blasting AC for the past few days.
If you ever feel like having a chat in person, how ’bout we do it on your side of the river? It smells here.
Oh! and I never did ask you how everything went with the divying up all your grandfather’s things and whatnot. Did the old film reels survive? Did your asshole relatives try to fleece your mom? I hope it wasn’t too frustrating to deal with.
I’ll be up for a bit, if you want to chat.
July 8th 2013
email from Stefan
Hey….before I pass out…or whatever…I wanted to ask. How did the show go? Sell anything? Make any contacts?
July 9th 2013
email from me
Nah. It was so amazingly hot, no AC, I couldn’t bear to be in there for more than a few minutes. It was seriously unbearable. It wasn’t the fancy spacious venue I thought it was going to be. If I knew it was going to be in a tiny downstairs room I’d not have stressed about it so much. At least my piece was hung pretty front and center.
Wait…. not even 5am and you were passing out? Gosh.
So, how are things going with you, then?
email from Stefan
I wasn’t passing out…..I was….knocking myself out
I keep poking at him. Sending silly links. Asking questions. Rambling at him.
July 12th
email from me
By the way, NEVER EVER EVER take Cymbalta. I’m taking it currently, and the insomnia is ridiculous. If you took it you’d probably never sleep again.
email from Stefan
Hey…I’m dealing with a bitch headache right now so I can’t even look at this screen….but yeah, Cymbalta. I’ve taken some before….I was all messy that night so I don’t think I could fairly assess what it did (or didn’t) do. But I definitely don’t need anything that would make it even harder to sleep.
Couple questions; How long have you been on it, how much are you taking, when did you notice it was affecting your sleep, and are you gonna stop taking it?
July 13th 2013
email from me
How long have you been on it,
About a month.
how much are you taking,
60mg? I think.
when did you notice it was affecting your sleep,
Not until I upped my dosage. At first I was only taking one pill a day, then after a week I went up to 2 pills a day. I was taking each separately, one with breakfast, one with dinner, but I’m starting to try taking both of them in the morning in the hopes that it will lessen the insomnia.
and are you gonna stop taking it?
I’m gonna play this out and see how much it helps me. It’s one of those pills that has a cumulative effect from taking it, and I’m going to assume that I’ll get used to it and the side effects will lessen after a while. It’s not being given to me for anxiety, but rather, it helps with nerve pain. My nerve pain (the stabby pains and pins & needles) isn’t really anywhere near as bad as it used to be; at this point it’s more an issue of me feeling like I’m made of 300 year old body parts. Going up stairs is difficult. I feel creaky and moving hurts. They aren’t really giving me anything for that. But….. at this point, I’ll try whatever they want and see if it makes me feel better. The neuropathy isn’t my main concern right now, but still, Iif this pill will make it even less so? I’ll fucking take it! Also, I think the Cymbalta is actually helping me with anxiety a bit. I feel calmer without feeling doped up, which is not a bad thing, y’know?
Of course, I’ve just spent the past 11 hours feeling like I need to vomit and hardly sleeping while clutching my stomach and taking intermittant trips to the bathroom in a mad attempt to force it out, which just NEVER works with me (unless opiates are involved). I don’t understand why I still feel so ill, as I only had three drinks last night (<Boyfriend>’s birthday), and are sensibly. I did have two pieces of birthday cake when we came home, which did feel like too much, but still, I didn’t feel ill. However, as soon as I lay down to sleep…… VOMITY INSIDES!!!! It’s the first time I’ve drank on the Cymbalta, so, I am guessing that is the culprit. I suppose I’ll have to quit drinking again. Which is really a good thing. It’s always been my least favorite drug.
The insomnia that comes with the Cymbalta is maddening. I immediately thought of you, and how horrible sleeping is for you. I’ve been spending 12 hours in bed, but sleeping hardly at all, only skimming the lightest bit of something recognizable as sleep, and never fully reaching REM until that 10th hour.
Time to try and sleep again.
July 14th 2013
email from me
I can’t tell if you just aren’t responding to half of my emails or if you aren’t getting them somehow.
No matter.
I still feel nauseated, but I had to force myself to eat so I could take the fucking pills again because NOT taking them suddenly would make me feel ill on par with dope sickness; at least according to everything I’ve read online.
Bluuuuuugh.
Well, I hope YOU are doing well, and I hope were were successful in kicking. If not, well, try again. Try til it sticks. Perhaps company would help? Distraction? A human to help you through? I volunteer!
Oh man. Time to lay down and slowly munch on dry plain biscuit cookies.
email from Stefan
I was on Cymbalta….and at least 6 other drugs like it for a stretch at one point or another….the forums are wrong. As most of them are utter bullshit. But, everyone’s chemistry accepts or rejects every drug differently, so you never really know what you’re in for. I don’t think there is a pill or drug on the planet that compares with dope sickness. And I’ve kicked benzos, antidepressants, and morphine….which isn’t even as bad as dope sickness considering with how fast dope converts and metabolizes….but stopping your pills would definietely put you in some serious pain either mentally and/or physically.
I’ve been writing and comparing years of dealing with everything I’ve been on and kicked.
You’ve dealt with your fair share…including morph….so I know you get how it feels. But there is just nothing like kicking dope….especially grams intraveneously daily. It’s…fuckin mindblowingly horrid.
But, you didn’t only kick things, you’ve had nerve pain while kicking that joined along for the ride…so you are someone who I think gets it.
But I wouldn’t wish what I’m dealing with on my worst enemy. Maily because it’s not just kicking….it’s kicking with anxiety, insomnia, blood pressure issues, stress, and strange aches and this odd hazy feeling that is intensifying everything in a way I’m still at a loss to explain. And seeing that this week will be around 97 degrees with a ”real feel ” of 108 is making me literally scared.
Stay cool…and stay strong. Try tapering off or weening down.
I’m getting your emails, but sometimes a while after you wrote them because I don’t have my email sync on in my phone if my battery is low….not to mention my phone is close to shutting off….it’s terribly buggy right now.
The one thing we’ll always have in common is that people will never have a clue what we go through or endure on a daily basis. And trying to explain it to others is an excerice in futility. I gave up long ago trying to hear people act as though they could walk a day in my shoes. I’ve had friends that committed suicide for far less than what I have dealt with this year alone. I must be a glutton for punishment.
email from me
Yes. Yes we do have that in common. Few people understand that.
Y’know, I’d like you to meet <Boyfriend> sometime. I think you might appreciate each other. He is also is a person who has been through some shit. It’s nothing that I can specifically identify with, but…. it’s harsh. Being thrown back and forth between family as a kid, spending years being punished and blamed for having Tourette’s, spending his teenage years kicked out as a crust punk living homeless or in squats on the LES in the 90’s, while his uncle (technically uncle but 12 days older than him, closest to a brother either of them had), went to Harvard.
At times I’m still not sure that he and I aren’t a bit too similar – I feel sometimes that he and I are both a bit too scattered and random and goofy and forgetful, and that perhaps I (and he) would be better with someone who had better means to gather me up and keep me focused and, well, take care of all the simple things I can’t wrap my fucking head around. And I think, often, that he would too. It feels a bit like the blind leading the blind.
However, I can’t say that I’m not really impressed with …. his ability to keep going. I mean, every trip out the door, every subway ride, every bar entered, every dinner had, there are stares and looks and comments and assumptions because of the Tourette’s. He makes loud sounds, snurks and sniffs his nose, throws his head back, and/or does a jumpy stompy thing. There’s other things, but those are the big ones. Every interaction is an explanation. Every cop is a fucking threat. People look at him with disgust and fear and annoyance and ridicule every singe day. And he just… keeps on. And is often rather frustratingly optimistic.
It’s… impressive strength of character to me.
Especially being that he’s also a really great artist. Watching him draw or paint is crazy. He has to keep pausing and waiting every few seconds for the tick to pass. Did I ever show you his site?
He’s not really so happy with my nocturnalism at the moment. He’s been working on some freelance stuff and he always craps out by 1:30am. I was doing ok on a somewhat day schedule, but once summer hits, it’s just not feasible. Maybe if I had a car and could leap from AC to AC, but …. my bedroom is the only AC room in the cruddy apartment. I cannot go outside in that heat. I cannot wait for a train in the subway platforms. I AM A NIGHT PERSON. At least until I live somewhere that has nicer and more peaceful daytimes than nighttimes.
Anyway.
I didn’t mean to ramble so.
I’ll be hiding away from the heat right with you. I am kind of scared as well. Last week when it got stupid hot, the AC stopped working. For three days I was just laying on the floor of my tiny bedroom with an exhaust fan a foot from my face. I am not happy that weather is going to return. I probably won’t be going to WFMU this week, if that’s the case. 🙁 It’s also making the cockroach infestation worse, and they are entering my fucking bedroom, which is fucking disgusting.
Ok. I stop.
Aw, man. I am tired and really trying to sleep and I am too jittery and nauseated for it to happen.
So if you are in a similar boat at all, call me.
I keep regularly poking. Sending cute links. Rambling.
July 26th 2013
email from me
This weather makes me feel like we should be hanging out.
omigosh, I feel so much better today, even though I’m all cymbalta wierd. THE WEATHER IS AWESOME!!!!
but how are YOU doing?
email from Stefan
::::shaking head::::: I’m glad you’re enjoying the weather. I have a ways to go.
email from me
Um…. I’ll be on the radio Sunday night / Monday morning again. If you want to hang on Sunday evening, I’ll be on your side of the river. I’m broke, but we could just sit and smoke cigarettes for an hour or two. I enjoy your company, regardless of the state you are in.
Actually, I meant to mention this anyway. I read this article today: http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/brand-men-must-be-needed-because-we-cant-be-wanted/ and it made me want to write to you. Because….. I really don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been a part of my life when you were. And you were ALWAYS there when I needed you, and I really needed you a lot. And so, I’m still a mess but I’ve got SSD and food stamps and a place where I pay rent. Even if I didn’t, my life is in a different place. I have most of the empty places where you used to take care of things covered one way or another. So…. I guess I don’t need you around like I did. But I still WANT you around.
Which really, is a far more pure motive to seek out your company. WAAAAY less desperate and creepy clingy.
I also like the idea that I might be able to somehow, someday, repay you for how much you helped me out when I was so alone and agoraphobic.
sigh……
You’re my friend, man.
That’s rare and important.
So we should be friends.
email from Stefan
You’re right. And when I work out some of the horrid kinks in my body & brain…and when I’m able to write three sentences without a series of pauses, half-nods, anger, rubbing of eyes, and practicing my controlled breathing…I’ll be more willing to show my sleepless mug in public. I’m currently feeling like I’m in some eerie, hopeless, endless, hot landscape. I feel like I’m trapped in an Odd Nerdrum painting.
email from me
Well….
I’ll give it a little while.
But, no offense man, I’m not going to wait indefinitely.
Eventually we are going to hang out, regardless of your condition.
Because I want to see you, and I miss you, unconditionally.
Also, until you are willing to be seen in public, there is calling each other and speaking.
Well, except not right now, because my phone is shut off.
But there is Google voice chat! So there! Who needs phones?!?
So….. google call me.
July 27th 2013
email from me
Thank you.
Thank you for trying so hard to make me laugh when I was so miserable living with my aunt.
August 3rd 2013
emails from me
Hope things are alright in your world.
This withdrawal is no joke. Weeks later and I’m still too nauseated to do anything. And that seems to be how it happens with most people.
How’s yours going? Were you able to kick? I hope you are doing well and treating yourself kindly.
I’ve been super crazy into this band recently. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt_VzGgoRWw
It seems I really dig death metal. Maybe I’ve just listened to enough WFMU that I got over the cookie monster voices. I still prefer the sing-songier ones, though. My Dying Bride, for example. I’m learning! I guess I just miss tight heavy music.
I’ve been looking through this guy’s stuff.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/arnade/sets/72157627894114489/with/9026765698/
It really reminds me of the way you described the polaroids that you’d said had been taken from you by the cops. A view of life few people see; and one that has very little voice.
I’m angry at myself for not doing something very much like this. I want what little power I have to work towards something. I had been thinking of something similar already anyway, only with people struggling with medical issues and prescription addiction and welfare and food stamps and getting sucked into the red tape land of being poor.
Man, those shots are really …. it’s all very good, and it’s all very honest, and it’s not disrespectful whatsoever. It’s someone really trying, I feel.
emails from Stefan
Wow….these just brought back memories. In the last few months I’ve befriended a few really nice people that live in abandoned buildings around here. They all look like death (there’s no reason to sugar coat that fact depsite them being nice). I’m actually gonna be taking pictures of them and recording short interviews both audio and some video. I feel like it’s a bit exploitative…but then again….I’ve been, and somewhat am in the same boat….so, I’ll be trying to have a exhibition and anything that sells will go to them, not me.
Anyway….I gotta go take care of some bullshit. Night.
I will tell you what I’m doing becuase I trust whatever I tell you won’t ever come out of your mouth….I trust you that way.
[ REDACTED ]
I’m pretty much done with all of this…and I just wanted to share with someone the double life I lead at the moment, because I really am under no suspicion of doing anything other than what I normally do.
There’s a lot I haven’t explained to you about my past & present, but I’ve told you more than just about anyone. The things I’ve done & seen has definitely made me the person I am. And it’s always gonna be a part of me. I’m not positive what I am. Or who I’m going to end up being.
But I have to get back to art….and get better than I ever was….and give myself a little more of a chance, before this life drags me into the gutter, and I’m forgotten entirely.
email from me
I think…
I’ve been having this brain rant thing for a while in my head. The notion that people have to be careful about what they let into their brains. I mean, that’s what freaks me out about the state of american television. Sure, <friend> might say she watches all that crap on TV out of morbid amusement and not out of admiration, but if you fill your brain with that kind of shit, it starts to get normalized in your head. It’s not so normal anymore when families have brawls like they do in Real Housewives of NJ, and the morals and issues that are important to them seem less and less strange, the more you are exposed. Kind of like how living in NYC as much as I have, it no longer seems odd that people chain up their garbage cans because someone might steal them. Instead, I ended up shocked and amazed when I first got to Ocean Grove that they left the cafe tables out at night. That’s why I put on the BBC news as much as I do. Even if I’m not paying attention, my brain gets used to hearing people of every time of accent speaking in an intellectual fashion. Racism seeps in even when you aren’t racist. Media just presses in these associations again and again.
I read somewhere that you end up being heavily influenced by the five people you spend the most time with. This worries me, because I don’t really even have five people. One of those is my roommate, who is a well meaning fellow, but a 34 year old child, filthy, and usually drunk. Then there is <boyfriend>, who is more like me in the ways that I wish I wasn’t than I am. A fucking space cadet who loses the track of every day things and can’t keep his finances together. I’m not sure if it will last, because really, I need someone in my life who doesn’t need me, the girl who doesn’t have enough money to pay her phone bill AND rent most months, to buy us both food with my food stamps because he’s too broke. It’s not a money issue, it’s a … i need someone who I can believe when they say “I’ll take care of it.” It doesn’t really matter that he WANTS to help me with more and give me more than anybody ever. I can’t be mad at him. He’s just like me. I just don’t know if someone who is like me in those ways is really good to balance me out. These are the people I spend the most time with, and I’m not sure it’s really getting me to be the kind of person I want to be.
Anyway, all that is to say, even if you are doing really well compared to those Paterson people you described, just being an occasional part of that life will start to skew your view. If that’s what junkies are like, then you’ll be less likely to see any warning signs in yourself because of how skewed your sample spectrum is, y’know? Try to keep that in mind. That the people you surround yourself with do influence your sense of what is normal and what is acceptable, even if you have different morals. So even if you are doing really well, that life will seem not just familiar in memory, but more and more normal in your present.
Be careful. Please.
You really deserve to be around good people. Because, whether you believe it or not, you are a really really good person. You just happen to hate yourself too much and want to punish yourself. So maybe hanging out with people who also hate themselves and punish themselves isn’t a good environment. Also, I think you need to get move somewhere that you aren’t the go to guy for everything. You need to think about yourself. Seriously. Apply for Ithaca Section 8. I think the waiting list is less than a year. You can live off your SSI with little tattoo effort (though there is a college in town, so that’s automatic client base!), and concentrate on making art. It’s quiet and slow up there. It’d be good for you I think. (and I’d TOTALLY visit you. if I don’t end up up there myself.)
Anyway, this is really long. I’m in a weird head space.
…
I’ve had 90% of all my empathy sucked out of me fro living a life surrounded by assholes.
So please, as one of the few people I still do care about…. PLEASE take care of yourself. and PLEASE don’t let stupid fucking pride and ego keep you from going through the steps that would help you out in the long run. GET A FUCKING DRUG COUNSELOR. GET SOME MEDICAL HELP.
Ugh. I’ gonna go sit in the backyard and let the smell of dirt help my brain chemistry shift.
http://discovermagazine.com/2007/jul/raw-data-is-dirt-the-new-prozac
It totally works!! You should go to the Great Swamp sometimes. You and I never really got to wander it properly. It’s a nice thing to do for your brain.