January 29th 2013
email from me
You doin’ alright?
Just saying hi.
email from Stefan
Eh, I’m just trying to stay busy. And scramble to do a few more jobs to get my rent/bills paid. I’m screwing up pretty bad taking pain killers & benzos. I really had no choice in the matter. As lame as that sounds. I just really started losing it and had to take something….which obviously turned into more and more as my tolerance sky rocketed with my speedy garbage disposal metabolism. My insomnia is worse than ever and my schedule is nono existent. I just sort of pass out for a bit here & there, and get up and see how much I could get done before my legs start to hurt and my nose starts to drip. Anyway, that topic is depressing and literally no one knows I’m taking them, but it’s better that way. I have nothing to gain but useless pep talks and regurgitated speeches I’ve heard a thousand times in the past so I don’t want to hear any of it. So, let me changed topics now before i piss myself off anymore than i already am with myself.
I’m working on a bunch of things and failing on most. Selling illustrations, airbrushing shirts, have a meeting with some clothing company next week that I may get commissioned to do some designs for, sculpting some monster heads I may try and mold to sell for halloween props come October, and trying to slowly put together ideas for a new site.
I just got off the phone with <The Brother> asking him about his new comic, which is coming out really good. He reminded me that I should finish the “Romance from Beyond” book I started a while back that we took all those reference photos for. I have a bunch pages done and hundreds of skecthes so I may attempt to finish it with no real deadline. I’m not gonna be at MoCca this year. Even though last year got me recognized and in Juxtapoz. I haven’t capitalized at all on that. I’m stupid. I still get fan email from all over the world from people who follow me and found me from Pardee’s Picks on the Jux site. I did do that horror novel cover that people seemed to like, and may be doing a few more books covers soon.
But, the reality is….I’m broke, a mess, and need some kind of commissioned work that keeps me paid enough so that I could finish the large scale nib drawings and oil paintings I’ve been working on privately so I could have a semi-quality solo exhibition. The pressure to upgrade my style is a real thorn in my side. It’s probably gonna lead to me putting my foot through my of the canvases and who knows if it’ll be done anytime soon.
I’m about to finish a transfer i need ready until tomorrow and then hurry to draw something to post on my blog before i start losing followers. I’ve been slacking.
I’m writing fast and draping all of this in a cheesecloth of ambiguity….but I think you get the gist. It;s rare I write to anyone, reply to anything, or care about anything these days, but while I’m somewhat awake and was taking a smoke break anyway, I figured I’d reply before I forget. And you know me enough, so that I don’t have to over explain everything. So, yeah…..that’s more or less how I’ve been fairing.
Night.
and sorry for the typos….and well, there’s no reason for me to say pain killers, because, you know what I mean by that.
emails from me
Honestly, I think the best idea for you at a time like this is to find someplace to go and hide. (this is what I’ve been trying to figure out for myself, as well) Someplace cheap. Someplace that $700 a month and $200 in food stamps can keep you afloat with a roof over your head and buy the art supplies you need. If the point of all this is to improve your art…. keep the goal in mind, man.
REMEMBER THE GOAL.
It’s to hone your skills. It’s to get to a point where you can create the amazingness that you know you are capable of, given the room and time to do it.
Fuck it. Find an apartment in Pennsylvania somewhere. Find like, one or two clients to give you some extra cash, but leave the rest of this shit behind. It’s not like you are networking and doing your artistic career any good by treading water and just getting by, y’know?
Fuck these people. They will suck you dry of time and inspiration.
Recalibrate. Remember what is important. Figure that part out, and fuck the rest.
Also….
I really had no choice in the matter. As lame as that sounds.
That does sound lame. And dangerous. And a path that is only going to get worse. You know that.
There are choices. Going to a proper doctor about your insomnia, for example. Or getting something done about your sleep apnea. Or going to a proper psychologist. These are things that help lessen the burden and temptation, and are within your power.
I don’t judge what you do. But I don’t buy crap excuses. Because you know that I know how this stuff goes. I’m really sorry that you are having to deal with this, because I know how hard a struggle it can be. I really wish you weren’t.
If you ever want a person to talk to about things, someone for support, someone to hang out with if your nose gets too runny and it gets bad, someone who won’t judge, someone to hold your hand i the dark, you can call me. Or come by and chainsmoke in my apartment (my roommate does).
I could use a friend. Most people in my world aren’t entirely trustworthy.
I won’t get into all my stuff at the moment, because you’ve just been generous enough with yours, and my crap is sort of same-old same-old. But…. I really could use a friend who was really mine.
I didn’t mean to sound brusque, by the way. I really do appreciate that you trust me to tell me how things are going. That means something to me. And you do know that I don’t judge, I hope.
email from Stefan
Yeah, of course it’s lame. But, I didn’t exactly belly flop into that choice. For years I’ve explored alternatives. I went to some sleep studies, insomnia specialists (who just have either new agey bullshit to recommended, or prescriptions, the sleep apnea thing is such a small part of it considering it’s mental trauma that keeps me awake.) The sleep tests I did came out to show that my brain activity & heart rate increase when I try to sleep….pretty much a curse. There isn’t a single remedy I haven’t entertained in the last decade that I haven’t tried to avoid chemical intervention. Even the silly shit I tried, like hypnosis.
The doctor path has run dry. I went to so many in the last year alone. They all recommend drugs anyway, and therapy is just a complete waste of my time.
We both know the drug route is waste and has no long term benificial outcomes and always ends up the same. I’ve been trying to ween myself off already, but there’s… well… there’s so many other factors I can’t even get into it right now.
My troubles are nothing that can be solved one way or the other. Which is why I said it’s pointless to talk about it.
Thanks for the offer and I will consider it. But, I’ve only gotten more bleak over the years and have reluctantly gone to so many specialists only to be more disappointed every time. I took the time, I suffered through years of sobriety just to prove to myself that I could do it and wasn’t just pretending I tried it.
Facts are facts though….you’re right. But, I’m not giving in, if there’s no alternative. It’s just a different alternative. Either way though….I’ll be trying to get myself off of it.
It’s tough to explain because there’s so many variables involved that don’t have quick fixes. How many years can someone stay clean and be miserable while trying every alternative available?
This is why I just think it’s best I stay away from people.
email from me
Well, I’m willing to be your grumble buddy if you want someone to be around for the three day hell period.
I’ll be the first person to tell you that getting your hopes up with doctors is a waste, and that most of them have their heads up their asses, and that most of the time nothing gets fucking done. I’ve had Medicare for a year now, which is like the Cadillac of insurance, and I’m only just now going to get the proper testing to see if I have something they glossed over and sort of tested me for three years ago and disregarded. And I had to go into the office in person and hassel people on the phone and trek around and it took three months just to find the guy who will do the test. And this is all within the Columbia University hospital system, where I don’t need referrals and they can all see my medical records.
(Good news is that the special fancy doctor who only takes people on referral and only accepts patients that interest his small window of interests does indeed want to see me and do the 4 hours of evaluation needed.)
And you’ve got Medicaid, which is bullshit.
Seriously though. December of 2006, I found out the new MRIs I was going to get couldn’t be done until January. I burst into sobs because I had promised myself a few years prior that if I didn’t have a diagnosis by the time I was 30, I’d kill myself. I’ve been at this since I was 19, this business of going to doctors. You just gotta keep hacking away at it. Most of them are bullshit.
In the middle 00s, I was on so many drugs. They kept giving me muscle relaxants and nerve inhibitors and pain pills and anti spazmodics. I kept getting worse.
If I have what they think I have, all those pills were exactly the opposite of what I should be given. They were all making me worse.
My point here is…. you have to keep going to doctors. Until one gets it right.
PRO TIP: Carry with you a super intellectual book. I’ve gotten much more respect and honesty from Doctors when they saw me carry in a hard cover Sam Harris book with me.
Also: A good therapist isn’t bullshit. You’ve been through a lot, and if you found a good psychologist that you actually felt comfortable with, it could really improve things.
And anyway… I often lose my phone, or don’t hear it, or forget to turn it back on. But you can call me at any hour.
PS.
emails from Stefan
I don’t know how I don’t remember this. I was just drawing while listening to my Carole King mix. Eerie.
And, I don’t KNOW any amazingness I’m capable of. I feel my quality of art has decreased actually. It’s depressing, but I think it’s the reality of things. Anyway, thanks for listening. Night. I’m gonna charge this thing, chainsmoke, and get back to my X-Files marathon on netflix.
email from me
I feel my quality of art has decreased actually.
From looking at your tumblr as the only gauge I have, I’d say: yes, it has decreased. You were on a good tear for a while when you were making those clown faces, but after that it sort of fell off.Your abilities to make art are directly proportionate to how well your body and brain are functioning. Look through your sketchbooks and remember where you were at and what you were doing when it was good versus when it wasn’t. There’s your answer.
Cut out caffiene for a month or two. Go to a gym a few times a week. Less chemical stress, more natural endorphines and natural body fatigue. Your brain and body will work better. Your art will improve.
Because, y’know…. what’s important? Coffee? Fuck coffee. Art is important.
I say all this having just gone through an overhaul with <Boyfriend>. I’ve been doing research, because that’s what I’m awesome at, (because, again, doctors are shit and you’ve got to do your own research)and found him a bunch of lifestyle tweaks and diet modifications to help with the Tourette’s, and it’s worked AMAZINGLY. He cut out caffiene and sugar, eats healthy, doesn’t drink to the point to blacking out, and is cutting down on smoking…. and just last night one of his oldest friends was commenting on how he’s more calm and less twitchy than he’s been in over a decade! All his friends are really amazed at the difference in him. He sleeps more. He’s less emotionally pissy. He’s also just regained his drive to work on his own projects, and has spent the last week flash animating a short for his reel. Because he’s not so tired and frantic anymore.
This shit has effect.
I’ll help if I can, and I could find some life hacks for you that would improve things, but….
I suppose it’s the kind of thing a person has to start themselves. Years ago <Boyfriend> drank so much so often he vomited bits of his stomach lining. This kind of life change would never have taken hold. He had to go through that and then decide he wanted something more stable, and be open to me finding ways to help him get there, even if it was uncomfortable and annoying for him (he’s one of those people who deifies Mountain Dew, so the no sugar nor caffiene has been difficult).
Anyway, I know you are in bed and not responding. I’m not usually so chatty in my emails like this anymore, but I’m sick with a cold and the sudafed I took has been making me over productive.
If I can help in a way that you’d be open to, let me know. I do so appreciate the opportunity to feel useful to others.
Also…
And, I don’t KNOW any amazingness I’m capable of
I do.
You were on that path. Get back on it! It’s waiting for you.
emails from Stefan
I’m not in bed. I’m still up working. And yeah, I meant on my blog. My blog has become less of a priority. Clearly the blog has decreased in quality. That’s obvious.
The things I’m working on now that mean something to me aren’t posted. The blog has just become a time killer for me in recent months.
Hopefully I’ll bounce back once I expose what I’ve been working on in private. I’ve been pouring the majority of my time into that. Since the clowns, I’ve decided to keep my important work under wraps until I’m happy with it. Even though it’s had some positive results, which were completely unexpected and undeserved. So the advice is sound, but doesn’t apply to me because I haven’t explained the entirely of what’s been going on.
Cleaning myself out, living a “healthy lifestyle” would be the death of my art…guaranteed. It’s just not me. I’m glad you’re advice to <Boyfriend> has helped him, and it sounds like he’s more in control and a better person in general…there’s nothing to say about that but positive things that are so obvious they don’t need to be explained any further than you already have. You’ve had a good effect on him. And that’s all there is to it. But that advice worked for him. I’m a different breed. He’s clearly a better person than me. And more willing to take advice I’m sure. Most likely because he’s more open to talk about what he’s going through. I know you don’t mean to compare, but what works for him, just wouldn’t work for me, and isn’t something I haven’t tried before. I cut coffee out for months, and worked out nightly. Still do. I’ve lost weight and become more lean than I have been in years. And still do, even though I’m feeding myself trash.
We’ll see if keeping my new art out of the public eye does any good for me, or falls short of any expectations, of mine or the outside viewers. But I can’t be influenced by any outside opinions while I work on it. It has to be done under my scrutiny alone. I’ll be curious of your reactions when I decide to post them. I like your assessments, always have. And your honesty is always appreciated.
Maybe in time I’ll explain more of what’s been happening to me, and you can help me figure out the best route of action to take. But it’s unfair to you to expect you to mind read. So I’ll back into the shadows a bit until and if I’m willing to open myself up to help. But like you said….it’s tough to trust anyone. I’ve been conditioned to become a pretty masochistic man.
It’s been a while since we talked, and you keep suggesting things I’ve done. Which is why I said, I’m not looking for advice.
I’ve put myself in a pretty small box. It’s dark in here, and I’ve yet to find anyone to know what I’m talking about.
But if you think I’m capable of getting better, than I’ll take that and use at as positive reinforcement while I work on my new stuff.
email from me
😀
Good. Please do.