September 6th 2018
email from me
Serious question.
Did you ever notice me not remembering shit that just happened, or being confused? Or having a sudden personality shift? Having distinctive modes that I’d slip into?
I keep losing time. I am kind of afraid I have a lesser degree of some kind of Disassociative Identity Disorder. Not, like, complete different identities, because that would be noticeable, but something a bit more subtle.
Were there any times that stand out to you when you were like “Dude, that just happened, you were THERE.” or times where I just seemed to switch up my personality suddenly?
email from Stefan
Holy shit Rach.
For the last two hours I’ve been thinking about what happened to me as I was driving back to Tom’s river from up north before.
So, I went to Lodi to pick up some money owed to me that someone finally after eons told me they had.
I think they didn’t expect me to fly there, but in the current, “check to check” living style me (and most I know) live in these days, you bet your ass I hustled up there to get my money.
So, now to the point then I’ll address your question.
So, I’ve been feeling…umm.. out of it. Maybe the overwhelming heat? Allergies? Stress? Insomnia? Other?
And as I’m driving back south on the parkway, a little more then halfway thru my drive back home. BOOM! The only way I could describe this is to say.
I… woke up… while driving. Dead serious.
I suddenly realized I was driving. Feeling slightly light headed. But it’s as if, I suddenly woke up and was driving. I looked at the exit number I was passing and the time and I totally was on… auto pilot? I… don’t know. Jesus. I really don’t know. I can’t believe that happened. It was terrifying. Well, maybe that’s a little much. More, alarming. Like, how did I not crash. Where was i mentally? Did my consciousness take a little vacation? I was just driving and suddenly was aware…i was driving.
Anyway, <The Brother> is here for a few days as I was gonna ask him his take but, he’s got his own problems.
I just, felt that your question really came at a pertinent time considering this shit in my mind.
So, now you.
I can say that I vividly remember you drifting here and there . Nothing totally noteworthy that made me all out concerned for your mental safety.
Well… Maybe a few times.
I remember us drawing on several occasions. And laughing, having fun, Goofing off, brainstorming projects etc.
Then out of nowhere, you’d get overwhelmed with emotion and burst into tears. I’m sure you remember these occasions. And you’ve explained why you’ve done that a few times. But, I’m telling you. It was more abrupt than you realize. Like, you went somewhere else in a split second to me, but a few hours for you. And reassessed yourself and became hypercritical of yourself.
That’s one example. I think?
Another is, maybe two or three times you sort of… turned off. Like, we were skipping along after a steak at Raffety’s and then you would walk slightly ahead and get teary eyed without any apparent reason. I’d mostly not inquire because you’d “come back” after a few minutes.
Albeit sometimes, I’d ask if you were okay, and was met with what I can only call a confused, “yeah, why?”
I have to think but I might have a few more examples.
In those aforementioned instances, my main thoughts were that we were both a bit out of it and looking after each other.
That our company was the most important thing.
There’s nothing worse than having to go thru those feelings alone. To not have anyone to bounce your feelings off of.
That’s what I have to say on the matter as of now. If you want more feedback as it comes to me, ill send it. If not, just lemme know.
I hope you’re okay.
September 7th 2018
email from me
Highway hypnosis is a common thing.I’m OK.
But I’m a bit worried.
The crying when drawing…. I don’t think that’s an example of what I’m looking for. I can remember that kind of frustration. The sudden tears were just be trying to suck it up and have a nice time with you, and just losing the battle and growing too upset about my waning physical abilities. I don’t know, maybe it is what I’m looking for.
But I forget things that I shouldn’t. I’ve had a few instances where I suddenly had no idea where I was or who I was talking to. Huge chunks of my childhood are missing.
emails from Stefan
I’m always really focused when I drive. It’s never happened before. I asked a few people and can’t find anyone that had the same type of thing. I don’t think I explained it right. I don’t scare easily and out of all the fucked up shit I’ve been thru, this was different. I actually think I was dreaming during it.
I don’t know.
If that’s common, Im gonna start driving twice as defensive.
But, I figured you wouldn’t think my examples were what you were talking about. But, to an outside viewer, it looks different. To me, what happened is a big deal, but you you, you just think it’s a common thing. I’ve never been able to mediate, be hypnotized, turn my brain off while awake, while in the stressful state I’m in.
So, this was a big deal.
So, explain exactly what you’re worried us happening again. Maybe I do have examples. I was thinking of a few more things.
Its tough to convey in words the shit we go thru. Trying to explain things
I just got out of the shower
So, I’m gonna cut my hair cause I just dyed it.
I have a like more feedback. I’ll write when I’m dry and dressed.
email from me
I only know about highway hypnosis because I’ve been researching about losing time. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highway_hypnosis
Here’s me writing it out and trying to make sense of it:
I’ve had a tendency to lose time, to blank out, but it has always been minor enough to brush aside. Last week however, I visited a neighbor only to realize after a few minutes that my jean skirt was falling off because it was unbuttoned and unzippered. I’d been wearing it all day. I don’t unfasten it to use the toilet, nor to even pull the skirt off. I’ve no idea how it happened between my apartment and hers.
None.
Last week I lost my everyday cane and my two cloth grocery bags. I’ve no idea how. I regularly lose things, but that is extra strange. Those are things I carry with me all the time, everywhere.
Now, I’ve just come to accept that I’m a bit of a space cadet, someone who forgets things and loses things and gets confused sometimes. But…. these incidents seem to be increasing, or at least, I can’t ignore them any more. I don’t remember movies, conversations, events. Just… completely blank.
When I get stoned, I’ve had a few incidents where I realize that suddenly don’t know where I am, and don’t recognize who is talking to me. Then it comes back to me. Sometimes, I have moments where I suffer a depersonalization when looking at my hands. I know they are mine logically, but they do not feel like mine.
If I look back there are incidents of losing time in my past. As a teenager, I’d often get in fights with my mother, yelling screaming fights, when she was trying to wake me up for school. I’d have no memory of them. Once she even kicked me out during one of those fights, and I had no idea. I’ve called out of work and not remembered it.
When I was 20, I had an incident where I was smoking weed on a rooftop, and the next thing I knew, I was in a pie shop with a forkful of pie halfway to my mouth, wondering how the hell I got there.