October 1st 2011
email from me
Apologies for getting off the phone so abruptly. I’ve been upset about things unrelated to you, and I really thought that just the idea of you and I being two rare people in the world who were completely honest with each other would be very comforting. Your unwillingness to not lie or keep things from each other really hurt me. I know it was a question out of left field, but as much as we aren’t actively in each others lives like we used to be, I thought we still …. well, I guess not. I just thought we could both use someone to be honest with and trust. Without exception. I thought it’d be a good place to start from, if maybe building something new between us, and without the miscommunications and mistrust we’ve had.
It sure seemed like a good idea. You seem to have taken it as a sketchy contract with too much small print that I was trying to bind you to? Just don’t lie to me, bullshit me, or keep things from me. If we can agree on that, then you won’t have to freak out if one of your friends decides to befriend me, or suffer terrible thoughts of suspicion about whether or not I’ve talked behind your back.
You ask, i tell.
I promise, it keeps.
As far as keeping things, concealing things, c’mon. That’s not complicated. You know there’s a difference between explaining every detail of your life versus being open and honest. Without keeping things, or concealing things, neither of us would ever get hurt or blindsided by current things we didn’t know, which has happened to both of us.
If either of us lies, everything shatters. Pretty simple. I’m willing to bet it all.
Oh, and… I’m realising that part of what prompted me to ask you that was…
Our conversation from the night before. It had gotten me upset, and I’d gone to bed in tears. Not… not because of anything you’d said wrong or anything. But because I’ve not had a real conversation with anyone in a very long time. Because I’d not been verbalizing or facing a great deal of harsh realities that I was naturally willing to expose when talking to you. Because you are the only person to ask me things like “what have you bought?” and “have you been taking advantage of living in the city?” and “why don’t you move now while you can?” and simple things like that. Because just one conversation with you and everyone else seems smallminded and selfish and …. frivolous.
email from Stefan
Look….I’m frustrarted right now. I’m trying to keep myself calm. Give me a few days…and then I’ll attempt to talk to you. And please…don’t cut me off again when we speak or I don’t if I’ll be interested in talking anymore. I’m not ignoring you…and I read everything you write. I have to go to work…night.
October 2nd 2011
email from me
Yeah, so…
I’ve been thinking back. And everything seems to get hyper shrill and emotional between us when… my Lyme Disease acts up.
I’m looking back, and… the Lyme … it causes deep depression and emotional instability. I mean, I’m not entirely a stable person to begin with, and I don’t really ever have solid ground under my feet.
I’d still be heartbroken, i’d still feel crushed, I’d still miss you just as much – I’ve had a number of months on antibiotics where I seemed in the clear, and my devotion and fondness for you never wavered.
But the tears and the feeling like a rat in a cage and the crazy-crazy, and the mind not being able to stop going down the worse possible paths….
Yeah, so the Lyme has been creeping back the past few weeks. As of today, i’m back to being stuck laying down, and being upright at all results in almost immediate agonizing head pounding.
And I just keep breaking into sobs.
the Lyme first hit me in the first Autumn of my living with Aunt Mary, when things first started to feel wierd between us. and it just got worse and worse until it started to get better that December, for a brief period of antibiotics. Then it came back the following Autumn, and I didn’t get on antibiotics again until late fall / early winter.
So. That pretty much explains every over-the-top crazy crying freak out of mine. I feel the same, but my ability to handle things just falls apart and goes the to most extreme emotional state. Maybe the confusion of what we were to each other would have been an awkward and difficult bump in the road if I’d not been so easily ignited to emotional hysterics and doom.
I can’t sit upright, and I’m really losing my mind at the moment, so I’m going to shower and head to the hospital and hope they will do something for me.
It’s really difficult not to be filled with tearful hysterical anger at the world for adding a lifetime infection of Lyme Disease in with the lot, to not feel teeth gnashing fury and woe at my family for giving me shit for not accomplishing anything while living at my Aunt’s when I was bed-ridden most of the time, or for booting me out of my home to live there in the first place.
I know you needed a few days to respond. but I’m a bit of a mess in every way possible, and I thought this might help explain.
And it sucks, because i’m writing this, and I’m trying to be rational, but Iv’e no idea if this is just another manifetation of the over-emotional crazy of sickness.
It hurts and I can’t stop crying. not crying from pain. well, not crying because the pain is so BAD. crying because this is my life, crying because I can’t stop thinking of every terrible thing ever, crying because the sickness is making me cry.
Anyway. Hopefully I’ll go get better and just be embarrassed at this email, and stop being so HEAVY all the time. and then maybe we can hang out with each other and just have a nice light fun Halloween season.