May 27th 2013
email from me
3:50AM
I am in the ER. Nothing major, but just in case, if anything happens and you are contacted, don.t tell my fam, just tell <Boyfriend> I guess.
May 27th 2013
email from Stefan
Glad you’re okay. I was almost on my way myself when I read that….and I was like…”man, her emergency contact is me…what a mess”. Anyway…You gotta give me his info to contact him if something ever happened. I don’t know how contact the guy. Give me a number or email if there is a chance you can end up in there again soon. Anyway….I’m 32 today. Whatever that means. That’s a real bland age. Thirty two. Even sounds lame saying it.
email from me
Oh, SHIT.
Happy Birthday, man!
Well, if you end up in the city tonight, swing by! I just ate a bunch of meat having a BBQ with my neighbors in front of my building. My head is starting to pound, so I’m probably gonna lay down on the couch and watch Blake’s 7 or something.
Are you alright? I hope you didn’t have a serious medial issue. I just had some kind of infection and I was afraid it went to my kidneys so I got more antibiotics. My immune system is low from being on this prednisone. But i’m feeling better today.
I’m thinking of moving to Detroit for a year or two. That is, if I get some medical answers in the near future. Songe was saying a person can BUY an apartment for $400, or a decent house for $14,000. I could actually live on my SSD, have a home base, and potentially travel on the cheap. WHILE having the time and space to make art and not be bothered by anyone when I was home. Just a year or two. Even if it ends up awful, I’ll have lived somewhere else, and have spent LESS money. It’s not like I have a real job I have to worry about.
I was thinking that maybe you should consider the same. You’d be able to live off of SSI without having to hussle so much, you’d have time and room to paint (and paint BIG) and I guarantee that you’d be able to drum up some tattoo clients. It might be nice to be far enough away from your family that you could not be the emergency go to guy for a while.
It seems like a nice place to just BE. And then, you know, it needn’t be permanent. Worst comes to worst, I’ll end up with some real estate out of the deal, which doesn’t seem to bad.
Anyway, I’m stoned and head hurty and rambling. Feel free to stop by tonight, though I think I might have to get up early for a doctor appointment, so I’ll have to be in bed by 3 or 4.
Once again… HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 😀
May 30th 2013
email from me
Just writing in the hopes that you are ok, and whatever nearly led you to the ER has passed without issue.
Allllllllso…… I’d asked you at some point if you’d perhaps help me retrieve my stuff? Well, I don’t know about going to my Dad’s, but I do have my bike(s?) at Aunt Mary’s and I’d like to get them. I was wondering if you were down with possibly transporting me from there to here?
Also, I’m looking at rents in Jersey off the PATH. I’m tired of being so trapped in NYC, and I’d rather be near WFMU than near Williamsburg. Let me know if you ever hear of anything good.
blaaaaah blah blah blah blah.
It sucks out and I’m about to go back to being nocturnal soon.
PS. I’m gonna be in Jersey City for WFMU until tomorrow evening (til whenever between 6 to 9 or so). Let me know if you want to hang! We can go to a diner or something.
Thought you might dig this:
http://wfmu.org/playlists/shows/50627
I’m listening to it now.
Also, there’s this band Trad Gras och Stenar (trees, grass and stones) and they are this psych band from the 70’s and I’ve never ever ever heard a drummer that leads the band with such style. It’s all mostly down tempo stuff, and the later stuff that’s come out in the past 10 years is more interesting than the older material. I’m really digging them lately. You should try to find some of their stuff!
The song Punkrocker is great, and is a cover of a pop song that Iggy Pop did the vocals for about 10 years ago or so.
If you can find any of their later live stuff… man. that drummer is just… smooth. I don’t know how else to describe it. I’d be interested to know what you think of them!
May 31st 2013
email from Stefan
Oh, hey….caught up with these. I turn off my email sync on my phone sometimes to conserve battery power. Then when I turn it on WHAM!, like 40 emails come thru at once. I really shouldn’t do that…and I should get myself off the fuckin’ nonsense mailing lists I’m on. So many that I don’t need to be on anymore.
Anyway…I’m gonna be out of commission for a while as far as hanging out goes. I’ll tell you this obviously because I trust it won’t go past this email with you. But, [ REDACTED ]
Sigh….anyway…..I’m just telling you because I know you’re one of the few people I could tell that won’t judge me or try and offer me advice. You know there’s nothing in the subject I’m unfamiliar with so you won’t bother me with condescending information or guidance. I know very clearly what I should, and shouldn’t be doing….and am making a plan to do the right thing.
So….yeah, that’s where I’m at. And again…I’ve been graced with decent genes because I just had my blood taken again….and everything is fuckin’ tip top. Not even a slight vitamin deficiency. So…I should…as they say…quit while I’m ahead.
I’m really just…so itching to get off this, and unleash a whole barrage of artwork and whatnot. Get back to filling my life with my art stuffs.
But….I really fell into a nasty abyss. It’s…a dark time for me. I want to talk about it….but…it’s extremely difficult. I’ve been breaking down in tears when driving randomly these days. I really don’t like to cry. I hate the feeling….I don’t think, “a good cry” is what I need or doing anything good for me. I just want to get back to my dabbling, angry, artsy, messy self. God, I’m ready to murder someone.
Anyway….how was WFMU tonight?
email from me
No no no. tomorrow night. As in Friday night.
…
Anyway…. I wander over to the Jersey side somewhat regularly. I know you wrote that you’ll be out of commission for hanging out… but I’m not talking about some social evening of wacky hijinks. If you want…. say…. to talk ….. get some shit out to each other that we don’t really say to people…. we can sit on a bench outside the PATH station. And if you are not comfortable with that and really feel not up for that level of interaction…. there’s always the gchat or phone.
I’m not trying to coerce you into anything here, but… Whatever. I miss you, man. I still think of you as my best friend, just …. far away for a while.
If you want company for the kicking, I’ll come by. If you don’t, but want some distraction, we can talk over the phone or something.
Well, you might not think that you are too much a mess to be around, but to me, you are my friend, and I think you are worthwhile and awesome to be with. So, just keep that in mind.
Conversation continues about some of my oldest friendships falling apart.
email from me
7:26pm
I am in Jersey City still and will be for a while. If you want to hang, just let me know.
June 2nd 2013
email to Stefan
I’m writing to you because I woke up after 4 hours and I can’t get back to sleep because I hurt and I’m hiding in my tiny bedroom in my shitty apartment with the curtains drawn and the AC blasting.
And because last night I was thinking about how…. the times you and I had when I was in Ocean Grove was probably the happiest times of my adult life. (aside from my family being a part of my life)
I think changes in the weather make me think of those times. Hot summer nights walking around.
I don’t know. The more I crawl myself out of the social isolation hole that I ended up in during the 2002-2007 years, the more I realize how very broken I was when you first met me, and how much I stumbled right back into it when I was stuck with my Aunt. I’m still working at it, but…. man. Having <the boyfriend> around, who remembers me before all that, and having more casual social people in my life now, I keep getting these reminders about how boxed off and distant and awkward I’ve become in dealing with people after all the emotional trauma and loneliness I endured for so long. It really altered my ability to interact with people. Still, after so much progress, I’m quiet in ways I used to not be, and I’m reserved in odd ways, and I say things that don’t fit.
Thanks for being around when I needed someone the most.
June 5th 2013
email from me
I am thinking of going to the Museum of Natural History today for another one of those free lecture talks. Neil Degrasse Tyson won’t be there, but it’s about neuroscience.
Anyway, I doubt you are awake, and even if you are, I doubt you’ll get this email for days. But just in case you are awake, and checking your email, and in the mood for treking into the city… well, I might be there.
If you want to meet me there, my number is 212 ********
(I don’t have yours)
June 6th 2013
email from me
This is me. Poking at you.
*poke poke poke*
I’m on my way to WFMU right now. I’ll be there til around 4:30 or 5. I know that’s early for you, but on the off chance that you are up and nearby and feel like sitting on a bench on a pier and chatting for a while, I’m letting you know,
I’ll bring you WFMU stickers!