March 12th 2013
email from me
Hope you are doing alright.
If you ever want to go to some meetings, I’ve got a friend who goes to midnight ones in Manhattan. I’d go with you if you want. It’s hard to find sober people at night.
I just went with that same friend to an art exhibit thing in Tampa. There was a lot of terrible terrible terrible art there. A lot of it sold for hundreds of dollars. While putting together good paintings for a show, you could find your older/unfinished paintings, throw some sexuality in there, and submit them to some of these exhibitions. It’d be an easy way for you to make some extra money, and you needn’t worry about it being of lesser quality to taint the works you want to have in a proper solo show.
Man, I tell you, nothing gets me off my ass like seeing subpar art getting accolades and income it doesn’t deserve. I’d love to figure out a way to make some neat installations so I can get paid to travel places for art, instead of paying to get my stuff shipped and hope it sells.
emails from Stefan
Well…I’m working on a couple different collections for exhibits. Not that I’ve been looking for any places in particular, but I’m focusing on the art right now (as I’ve always done….work first, find a place later). Someone who has publishing connections found me thru my Jux article and wants me to possibly illustrate a graphic novel. I’m suppose to talk with them this week to see how legit they are. We’ll see how that goes.
As far as meetings go. I’m not interested. I’ve been to enough meetings for a life time, and have come to the clear conclusion that getting sober (for me at least) has no higher success rate whether I go to meetings or not. There’s no statistics that support going to meetings helps anyone more than those who makes there own program.
I know the program inside out….I’ve spoken at so many my tongue nearly fell out.
I was just in a La Quinta in Wayne for 3 days to quarantine myself and I was able to do it. Sweating thru clothes, shaking, the occassional punching of the wall, sitting with my laptop. In my case, if I want to get sober…which I do…I don’t need group encouragement. Nor do I like that. Even when I had years clean and was still going, I was always sitting in back, unless the speaker couldn’t show up and I was asked to speak, being that I had the longest clean time. I never had a problem running a meeting. But preferred to just listen, and hope they had good cookies and coffee. Often times, people would say, “hey, you’re not gonna get clean if you stand against the wall in the shadows…don’t be shy, once you have a month clean you’re gonna be surprised with yourself”. And I say, “I have five clean, not everyone moves closer to the front with clean time”. It’s just not my scene anymore. I know everything they do, say, and have been to well over a thousand meeting. At one point, for almost three years, I went to two or three a day. If it works for someone, that’s great and they should do it, but they have a lame philosophy that if you don’t go, you’re not really serious about getting clean…which is just stupid to say. And not to mention that they don’t believe in you giving your own will power credit. I’ve been in so many debates in the rooms where I’ve defended my clean time and how no one could deny that it was working.
I didn’t relapse on accident. I wanted to use again. I’m angry and disappointed with myself. But I’ll get out of it. Like I have many times before.
Thank you for offering though, I know you have my well being in interest. I’m clear on that. But you know me. I’m as private as a person could get. I don’t like sharing my issues in a group setting like that. They don’t really listen. They don’t understand the ocean of variables involved in a junkie’s life. They just act as if you’re supposed to be a part of the super organism and if you have opposing opinions you’re kidding yourself.
I know there are more open dialogue and secular meetings….but in the end, they all like to obsess over it…and want you to constantly talk about it and define your life thru living clean and sober. There’s also the fact that I’m not anti-drug, and refuse to say that all drugs are evil and yield the same results. Oh, I remember how well that went over in the rooms.
I’m a mess, but I’m so over getting fucked up. And have, like I was saying….going days here and there without anything. My body is readjusting, and although there’s no guarantees…it’s clear that I’m gonna be sober again sooner than later. It’s just a hassle now. And gets in the way of my art projects anyway.
I’m writing from my phone so I’m sorry for the grammar and such. Bye for now.
And I meant “five years”…when I said to the guy, I have five. That’s why I was asked to talk so much, even though I was seen as a pariah in the rooms.
And yeah, terrible art…it’s everywhere, and never going away. I’m driven to make myself more known and get more press….I have to do something with the mountains of shit I’ve accumulated and continue to do. I’m trying now though, to paint my little heart out and create my best work…it’s just gonna take some time. In the meantime, I’ll keep doing the freelance jobs that are sporadically coming at me. I’m living a pretty shitty life right now, but not giving up.
email from me
I’m glad to hear that you’re fighting for the life you deserve.
I didn’t think you’d say yes to the meeting, but I thought it was still worth it to offer in case it would be of benefit. I’m always looking for sober things to do late at night, so I might end up hooking up with my friend and her people for the social stuff they do after the meeting is over.