September 25th 2008
email from me
I’m… just…
I detest that smugly pleased manner that is ever the response when I explain that I took myself off the myriad of pills I was on. i remember so vividly…. 12 years ago… taking morphine pills as a trade… and for a day and a half, not being able to hold down any food… but amazed and enthralled that for the first time in as long as I could remember… since I was a child…. I was able to lie down and not be uncomfortable or in pain… and I didn’t care that I couldn’t eat.
Because it was so amazing that I wasn’t in pain. I don’t think I realised how much pain I was so used to being in until that moment.
I don’t mention this, because I’ve no idea what it’s like to have an encompassing addiction… can’t possibly consider myself near experiencing what you endured… (one of the only good things I got from my mom’s genes is, while terribly prone to obsessive compulsuve behavior and addictive personality, I am very guarded against physical addiction.) But I do know what it is to have my body want just so I could feel normal… just so I could function… and did so for years without anybody really knowing how bad it got at times.
It takes alot… out of me… for me to keep up and lock it all away in a closet somewhere. It’s a struggle of distraction and avoidance and delusion.
I can’t… find… any position… where I don’t hurt. And it keeps growing. There’s this fire that goes from the back of my head and pours down the insides of my shoulderblades… the sharp stabbing sand that swirls and settles in my limbs… the numb ach of my right leg…
Yes yes yes… oh, I know I’ve said this all before. But every time I say it… it’s worse. I adapt… I raise my tolerance… lower my expectations… and I’m not sure how long….
And I keep myself… untainted… for the sake of trying to keep my mind from fog… keeping my vision from being weakened worse…
but for what? I’m no better now.
I don’t want to be a zombie. But I’m losing myself to all this… it’s just constantly slowly wearing me away…
And I know you are right… that it’s best to do it alone.
Because to depend on others is only an excersize in disappointment and getting screwed over. But… how? What am I going to do with myself?
I… envy you. In your potential ability to fill a backpack and walk away from everything. I’m able to do that in my mind. In every way, in these walls that surround me… But my body and it’s pains… my ongoing mystery disease… it keeps me trapped. It keeps me from being able to throw caution to the wind the way I should be able to.
and…
I…
my guilt. Eats at me. Because as much as I lament my lonliness… and the people who turn away because my life isn’t pretty… I kept myself away. I felt it was unfair to draw anyone in. Because it isn’t pretty. And because I do beleive that …. things wont end well for me. And so I often feel guilty. For weakening. For letting anyone near.
Well, just you really. Because you matter.
But then… I really don’t know… what I’d….
You make me want to be well. You make me want to strive. You keep me from crumbling into a million peices. If only because I want us to have FUN together. I mean, christ, I don’t want this to feel like some terrible pressure… but… You give me something to look forward to. There’s this amazingness that comes with feeling… understood, trusted, enjoyed, appreciated… and understanding, trusting, enjoying, appreciating in turn… something that feels like being freshly showered in a comfy sweater and clean fuzzy socks while feeling the brisk wind of an autumn rainstorm blowing through the window and drinking a mug of warmth…. Only a million times better. that awesomeness of exhilerating comfiness. Of feeling RIGHT.
I’m not always … vocal about the terrible things in my head. About how stark and cold and dangerous it gets in there. So you’ve no way to know… exactly how much you’ve helped me… been a tremendous force of …. everything worthwhile.
And I’m so very sorry… that I’m the mess that I am. That I can’t find a way out of this. That I can’t reciprocate the gifts of life savingness and the many glowing embers that you’ve given me in kind.
I’m sorry… that I hurt. That I’m only getting worse and I’m only getting more worried.
I’m sorry… that I’m being so serious. I don’t want to be.
It sounds so stupid.. and so juvenile.. but my head keeps asking me… why is it that we can’t just be living in an existence that lets us enjoy? Why can’t we be having adventures and madcap outings and see strange new things and wander about? Why can’t we be having fun most of the time?
Don’t we deserve it by now?
September 27th
email from Stefan
I realized me simply saying, “wait,you guys never,go to the city?…shit….i’ll drive”…started this mess.
The more I explained what has happened with this situation and some other silly situations…..the more people seem to say in all their round about ways……”hey dude,you dug your own grave”. At least that’s what I translate all of it as.
Whatever happened to people just helping to laugh about things? Instead I get talks that I don’t need. I know the obvious………I’m the one who comes out and says it.
As soon as I talk about any vulnerabilities of mine…people start openly rocket-firing what seems to be negative opinions of my self control. Maybe I am losing self control.
I feel I have more self control than anyone i know…..I feel i’ve been victimized less than anyone…….but have victimized myself more than everyone, if that makes any sense.
I’m full of anxiety. anger. self hatred. People are hypocrites but tell me of my flaws……sometimes when i’m just trying to share funiness or lighten the stupidity i’m getting into. It’s not like I’m giving into sleeping with people or doing drugs or drinking or something like that. It only takes a little of my honesty to get everyone going about what wrong with me. Wich is why I never reveal who I really am to people.
Is it so easy to point out Stefan’s flaws. It seems people enjoy it.
Am i losing control…..am I……..losing my Stefanness? This sucks. I’m gonna hate myself over this for a while.
This is why I keep all those walls up. This is why I can’t like myself.
There’s my seriousness for the week. Sorry you’re the one that has to hear it.
I feel stupid.
email from me
See… that’s the problem.
As far as I see it, it isn’t a matter of you doing anything wrong whatsoever, or being flawed.
[ keep in mind, everything I say here on in is based on my perception and take on things from a great distance, isn’t by any means a definitive interpretation, and is open to debate]
It’s a matter of other people being overly enamored with you for reasons that have little to do with who you are; but rather, what they think you are, what you represent, and the social status your presence brings them. It’s a matter of these people being ever present and insistant. It’s a matter of these people being so self absorbed and refusing to look beyond thier own desires of your company so much so that they can easily ignore every social cue that indicates you may not be on the same page. It’s a matter of people being able to concentrate on that one response that indicates the result they want (your willing social interaction) and casting away every other memory that would indicate otherwise.
Yes, in many ways in this situation, though completely unintentionally, you DID dig your own grave. But that’s only because I think you are much more like myself in many regards than you realise. Your mentioning of my cluelessness about myself…. I think you are equally blind to aspects of yourself, how people react to you, and that’s why others calling you out on where the situation went wrong seems so strangely negative….
You really don’t understand how attractive you are to others. I’m not just talking about your physicality in a sexual way (you already heard my stance on that), though that too plays in, especially with the ladies and thier rather uncooth and uncomfortable advances…. but even just insofar that humans always prefer other humans they find physically appealing, even in job interviews and whatnot.
But moreso… I’m referring to just YOU…. that glowing alien alternative life path that you represent to most, your personality, your demeanor, your body language, your personal style, your honesty, your spark of child-joy, your very selective social manner, your many talents and abilities, your open eyes and observation, the amazing control and Stefan-ness that you DO possess in SPADES…. It makes people CLAMOR to be near you. To be part of your inner circle. To possess some small part of your attention. Even the way you’ve mentioned Derek explaining your role to others in past social interactions… or the fact that Rock, while a very different sort of person than you, considers you one of the handful of humans worthy of his resepect.
I don’t think you realise exactly how bright a flame you are to so many moths.
I’d had tried to point out some elements of this weekend’s situation, only because you don’t seem to always consider exactly to what severe degree people who want to be near you will continue to try… and cast aside bushels of “No” and instead gaze upon that one solitary “Yes” (or even “unlikely maybe”) with hopeful and deluded doe eyes. It doesn’t really occur to you how significant your presence might seem to someone… not only because you can’t see yourself in that glowing light, but because you don’t see ANYONE in that sort of light…. It doesn’t occur to you that your minor and friendly cast-away sentences could be snatched from the ground like a scrap of rockstar clothing and turned holy relic. And being the “tattoo-guy” puts you ever more in that rockstar role.
….which is why I tried to approach it in the way I did… being that I can see how these people, as insistant and secluded in thier worlds as they are, could easily misinterpret and mutate your basic cordial nature into something of more significance… of something more reciprocated and meaningful than it is…
I am well aware of your lack of ego in these matters.
However… to those that don’t understand that about you… it looks only as matter of you being reckless with your presence. Like some sort of fake posturing. Of lacking self control for being so flagrently free with your person. Enchanting others with little effort and faux humility like a pied piper. It just doesn’t compute to most that you could be as… “impressive” (i can’t think of exactly the word I’m looking for… “awesome”?) a person as you are, a person who so clearly draws others to him with ease as you do… and not be VERY consious of it and dictating it’s power, control and use.
To those that see you through moth eyes to some degree…. there’s some competition invovled, too, I’d imagine. Some jealousy at play. And so, when the winged ones “call you out” on the fact that you’ve dug your own grave in this situation, they do so with accusation… because your attention towards others threatens thier position.
Or, because through moth eyes they see so few faults in you … it becomes a thing of comfort to find some perceived flaw…. something to cling to and point out in hyper critical manner to compensate for thier own insecure sence of self.
That’s why… I kept trying to explain that I wasn’t trying to be critical (and I really do apologise if I lumped myself in with they who rocket-fired opinions that blossomed into your self doubt) … but only trying to explain how I could see how others could look at it…. that I can see your vantage point… and from that view, every path you’d taken is justifiable… but for someone who doesn’t comprehend your outlook, things can easily be confused and misinterpreted.
Much like it doesn’t often occur to me to see my body or anyone else’s as anything other than natural flesh, as nothing particuarly attractive or sexual unless having been presented in a personally relevant erotic manner…. and therefore end up asking you silly questions about nipples or presenting myself in a way that I by no means meant to…. much like that…. You don’t see anyone, but most ESPECIALLY yourself, as worthy of the kind of cult of personality and enthusiasm that you generate…. and like me, it is far easier for your actions to be percieved by others as doing it on purpose… for the attention.
But… That’s not a flaw. Not in you, at least.
(i mean, it’d be nice if you could get a better grasp your worth, but I wouldn’t want you to not be kind to people just because they might cling too tightly. )
I like the way you are… And wouldn’t want that to change as one of your innate behaviors…. because that’s just the way you swim through the world. It’s only a shame that it’s not a trait that’s more easily comprehended or appreciated by others.
I know I’ve contributed to this self doubt in you… I truly apologise… And I’ll help you laugh it off from now on in, if you like. I think I was trying to expose certain aspects I vewied in your interactions with others… in some wierd… protective… motive. Trying to shield you from being … used…. or dragged into excessive frustrations. I apologise if that was…. unneccessary or condescending or attacking or hypocritical in some way.
Goodness… I’ve been rather verbose.
The gist of all of this is…. (and I say this without any sence of sarcasm) … Stefan, you’re just too awesome. Even the people who can’t comprehend it in the ways that they should… even the self serving, even people who have a limited spectrum of vision, even THEY recognise somehow that there’s something that’s just more honest, more worthwhile, more selfless, and terribly rare in you… than they’ll find in most people on earth.
Feel free to text or IM or call if there are any frustrations you’d like some of my help to laugh about the oh-so-tragic silliness of your evening. 😀 Regardless of everything… I hope you manage to have oodles of fun.
Wheeee!!!!
email from Stefan
I have…..I thought…..I guess…waa? I just read this. I didn’t fall asleep till 2pm(because i was tossing and turning all,”who am I?” am whatnot.
I agree with much and disagree with much………I almost…..don’t care how people see me.
Only a few people……if you like who I am…..that’s good. ……but,I……sheesh…..I’m gonna read this again….I didn’t even have coffee yet. I have a story for you……later. I need to caffinate first.
I like you.