2022
March
My nudity censoring becomes an arrow. Friend pointing at friend with red plaid shirt that becomes red buttons. I combine with the blue flag behind me for the face at the top.
I posted my crazy outfit and excitement at seeing Phil Tippett’s stop motion animation masterpiece Mad God. Stefan starts making animation.
His photo of us in Chicago.
Nov 3
Doing radio. One of my guest’s hands, one of mine.
Nov 11
I post about Kevin Conroy’s death, he reposts this.
Nov 18 2022
From here on out it’s mostly instagram reels (with songs) in manic sprees of new selfies or repostings of older drawings. I’ve stripped the video/music from posts that had music of ambient mood, or the same song repeatedly. Without the older drawing reposts, it’s going to look very selfie heavy.
Y’see, it’s not just the art that’s based on me. It’s everything.
Everything.
The moody selfies, the parade of sexy Stefan shots, those are also literally about me. I was not expecting that.
There’s an added visual language from here on. The tattoos and pendant are used as communication; prominent, obscured, faded, or hidden depending on context.
Marilyn is me. She is used to visually represent me in photo recreations. That’s most evident.
The Four of Diamonds on the hands, which can easily be transformed to a 3, 2, or 1 of Diamonds, which have different meanings, evidently.
The hindi words are empathy/compassion (the longer word) and wickedness/evil (the shorter). These are covered at different times strategically.
27 is his birthdate. It’s also his age when we split up.
The arrow with squiggle on his middle finger is known as a symbol of alchemy meaning “purify”. It’s on the same finger as the 2, so pure love?
The Leviathan cross, the double cross with the infinity sign, was rebranded by Anton LeVey, meaning free will and self sufficiency essentially.
The sideways J with a square is another alchemy symbol meaning “filter”.
The H looking symbol at the base of his neck is an alchemy symbol meaning “pulverize”.
LXXXI is 81 in roman numerals, his birth year.
The necklace is a Celtic trinity knot meaning eternal love. (There is another pendant which I’ve not identified.)
Nov 21st
First appearance of the Marilyn and diamonds hand, shortly after I posted this Batman image. Marilyn embraced in arms.
When I made it clear it wasn’t an overnight invitation, it never happened. I had to take it slow and rebuild trust. Of course, fifteen years of artistic obsession and ink is the greatest way I can imagine to circumvent that process and make me immediately leap into his arms, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell me.
I would have married that boy.
I would have married him, and he would have married me.
If only one of us was brave enough to look or speak.
2023
JAN 8
I had just uploaded this picture of my spine as my fb banner image.
Feb 4th
He can turn anything into representing me. Mad genius.
Feb 10th
The funeral of the exboyfriend. (for the record, taking reunion photos at the funeral was not my idea)
His tattoo in the ear and hair shape.
FEB 19
Even planets he turns into us.
At this point we were interacting almost every day via instagram, and still talking on the phone at least once a month. I started to get my hopes up. Then I realized my instagram was being throttled. My comments wouldn’t appear publicly and I couldn’t see his stories. Being kept secret, being separate from the rest of his life was what ruined us, what destroyed me. I called him out on it. I told him to “Enjoy his life. Bye” which was the kind of thing we’d often said to each other during our turbulent years. It was months later by the time I realized he’d responded.
What I meant was “restricted”. I wish I was less cavalier, but I wasn’t supposed to care as much as I did.
He never wrote back to me again, though I tried repeatedly to poke at him on Instagram or by phone. Sending him pictures and links and recommendations got no response; even asking for help, something we’d always respond to no matter how upset with each other, was met by silence. I assumed, then, I was cut off. In reality, I think he couldn’t bring himself to tell me the truth, and hid away, hoping I’d… figure it out?
Well, fuck you, I figured it out.
Feb 26
I post a scan of my brain’s vascular system…
Two steaks. And somehow still manages to get in some Taylor Dayne lyrics about love.
The ornate mirror pattern informs the tattoos
I post about dying my hair… he posts about his hair. Every song is chosen with purpose.
And then he posts things that match my new hair and send a message. At the time, I figured he was fucking someone.
I post about the mundanity of my day’s plans, and so does he.
My setup in my Aunt’s garage, his paints.
His shirt matches my slippers. And he is smoking so Marilyn is repeatedly visible while he’s timed it so Depeche Mode sings “all I ever wanted all I ever needed is here in my arms” (or on his hand)
March 11
I post about my cat eating my Spider Plant which is hallucinogenic to felines. He posts a small technicolor cat in the corner of his post.
I post my adorable cats, he posts his adorable dog. (though to be fair, we both do so often)
I post about mixing up my medications that start with M and playing a Joan Crawford radio play, he posts lipstick and poison vial to a Madonna song.
My radio show from three weeks prior. He plays Mozart’s requiem.
March 24
Maybe?
April 1st
He got that pink in there.
I posted “four fictional versions of myself”, he posts himself with Marilyn.
The triangle shape of the bannister negative space for the head, the doorknob the moon.
Remembering. Recreating. Down to the sparkle in the eye.
Remembering. Recreating.
The small bit of red over the left shoulder.
Remembering. Recreating.
April 4th
The bed pattern inspires the wings, the pages make the bench, the pom-pom is the moon.
Next to each other in the feed. Me trying to pry apart old electronics in my ridiculous blue sweater.
A sudden realization.
Stefan’s brother had written a short story about a man who loses his will to take part in life, stops leaving his apartment, and physically becomes a forest inside the walls of his home. The story got the attention of an indie director who wanted to turn it into a film, so the brother fleshed out the simple tale as a full script. He wrote the new supporting role with me in mind, and had me cast in the film. I was the plucky wacky chick, hanging out at an after-hours bar with my best friend; the sad agoraphobe slowly sinking into swampness.
The story was Stefan.
Oh god, I can’t breathe.
How did I not see that?! The story was Stefan, back at his parent’s house, struggling, isolated, and hardly leaving his bedroom.
While Stefan was turning figuratively into compost, his brother told me not to get involved. While Stefan was withering in want, I was pretend-banging on an apartment door, pretend-begging my pretend-best friend to let me pretend-help him. While Stefan was recreating us out of longing for me, his brother recreated us for his own creative ambitions and left Stefan to rot.
Even after the funeral, explaining in tears that I’d wanted to offer Stefan a place to crash for the wedding, his brother responded with “that wouldn’t have been a good idea.” What in the fucking fuck?!?
April 8
Remembering. Recreating.
Chicago. He and I went out on our own at night while the others slept.
April 8th
a night in my Aunt’s garage.
Comic Book T-shirts
Apr 10
Photo taken at Lake Mohawk, hence the toilet.
April 15th
Remembering. Recreating.
Using the lines of shadow to mimic the wooden slat pattern.
The Satanic goat for the pentagram on the drawing.
Two images I’d uploaded as part of a “fictional characters that equal you” equation.
His hand placement of the diamonds mimics the black breasts of Element Girl.
His gripping hand.
And the cat matches my bruise.
I post myself in a B Horror movie with DJ Bill Zebub, he posts a satanic goat.
Posting with hives complaining about being sick and queasy.
My drawing of John Cameron Mitchell dictates the style of the drawing, puffy clouds from the pipe, black lips and white teeth from the night city.
April 21st
Remembering, recreating.
WHY DIDN’T YOU COME FIND ME?!?!
We saw Rasputina together. He plays a lot of Rasputina.
April 22nd
The song below is called “Alligator Girl” which puts the drawing of me as an Alligator girl above in better context. You cryptic cryptid maniac.
Fuck, I’m crying.
That time I tried to take a cute photo of me and my cat but I had to split it in two because of the aspect ratio and because I found it hilarious that the angle made my boobs look insanely massive. My cat makes the diagonal black, the yellow wall my yellow pillow, the pink pillow is CENSORED, my pink hair twice the hot pink slashes.
April 26th
This is his facebook banner image. I love it.
Horses and roses. Horses on his socks, rose poking out, the woman with a rose and the hand position mimicked.
An insane record I found at the WFMU record library. The pink bandaid for the pink background, the pointing hand for my additional closeup shot of his manicure, the shadow lines to emulate the stacks of records behind, leopard print hearts for my leopard print tights, the song choice appropriate.
Color coordinating his post to my recent one.
April 27th
April 29th
Petting cats in a Sandman shirt. Marilyn pets the dog to an appropriate song.
May 4th
Photos I’d taken of a flying squirrel he’d been looking after before it died vs a hawk he recently came across.
June 3rd
He posts a whole lot this day, largely riffing on a span around 2019 from my instagram, with a few exceptions.
photograph of me taken by my friend in highschool.
He’s playing Soundgarden, but also playing…my radio show?
The song is “In the Forest”. His caption reads: “I’m all sorts of stupid”. He crops the image with grey where his hat would start. One of our last collaboration days.
I take a photo in the bathroom of my doctor’s office with my cane, he posts a photo from a bathroom with a diagonal dash of pink to match my hair, with a song about someone with a cane. But like most posted this day, the reference image is from three years previous to this.
A “Weeping Blue” tree that matches the shape of the book cover squiggle with colors that match the title font?! I can’t…. you mad wonderful brain.
I had posted this image with the caption: “When your Uber driver doesn’t speak English, you improvise.” so he uses his finger tattoos and drumsticks as notes, the neck tattoo and a necklace for the radio…
You brilliant fuck, I’m sobbing right now.
Prof Dum Dum = smerts, Me and my friend Nick become Marilyn and a glitch creature, the stripes of my scarf borrowed for the exasperated kid representing one of my two cats looking tired of my shit.
Blue lettering to match the chip.
Electricity. It’s sexy.
Someone was shot right outside my apartment.
My hairy legs.
Ha ha, very funny.
On line waiting for my vaccine.
Are you… fucking kidding…?! You meta monster. Socks on his Marilyn. Why are you so fabulous?
Oh, you beautiful boy.
The palm tree makes it.
Again, the headboard makes wings, the braid remains.
The statue of me at Newark Penn Station.
Your mind is spectacular.
Intentionally blurry and making the neck tattoo just two lines to match my vampire bite makrs.
The painting behind me inspires the back spikes
Just a random early phone pic I sent him.
The lightbulb turns him into an angler fish.
Remembering. Recreating.
Again, Marilyn as me.
F is for Fox on the brain, I believe.
The block of color representing the carpet.
June 4th
Her torso, my feet.
June 5th
Kansas’ Dust in the Wind. The angle is chosen to mimic the angle of the hallway, the circle of the fan duplicated by the guitar’s sound hole, his bent fingers like the bent pipes along the ceiling.
You brilliant madman.
June 7th
A span of Instagram from winter 2014 to spring 2015
You brilliant abstract weirdo.
I love your mind.
June 8th
Stefan took this photo of me. It’s one of his favorites.
June 12th
Song of Storms from the Legend of Zelda.
I captioned this with: “Today I wore colors. I love colors.”
I didn’t get the star at first, but it’s a reference to Rainbow Brite. It’s that specific slightly swollen star shape.
Colors over his face, making himself the clown in the frame. He’s covered the word for “wickedness”.
June 15th
I captioned this with: “My new higher-dosed Lyrica is a very pretty creamy red color. I’d love to find a lipstick this shade.”
So his lips are blurred out. The red is the logo. He shot this backwards to he could flip it with a backwards S, like Saturday’s upsidedown S. The remote on the wall is the bottle in the background. His song of choice is both Superman and lipstick related. Brilliant.
Remembering. Recreating.
The paper towels and the arm tattoo is what makes it.
June 16
at my mom’s house, all posted together.
And he uses red, white, and blue and a similar font as the book lettering. S for Stefan. F for Fox. Sticky Friends.
June 17th
Using his ankle and arm tattoos to represent the music note, cutting the foot off where the horizon line hits on the pin design, the static for radio, connection for streaming. He added texture around him similar to the material behind the pins.
The blown out white shape of the door emulates the fake building on the wall behind me.
June 19th
Stefan took that photograph of me when we first hung out. These images were next to each other in my instagram.
June 22nd
He’s sitting on a tree stump because of the wooden drawer randomly on the hallway floor.
Photo taken the night before Halloween 2009, the night we went to a haunted hayride in Sussex County.
his caption reads: “Glistening lids” His finger tattoo creates a hovering tear.
He even left the line of shadow on the door as a clue.
Leaf pixie origin.
What clinches it is the line behind the shoulder.
June 23rd
June 24th
Outtakes for his website.
On the ground, draped in black, his things on paper in the foreground, a strange black shadow on the right.
Plants from the kid dress, the headboard and the clothes on the floor create the lines used for the vines.
June 25th
This hand and face.
June 26th
June 30th
I love that he turned this sleazy shot we did into the most romantic looking kiss, and kept the fushia.
My blonde roots and black hair are similar to the stripey shower curtain.
July 6th
August 15th
The torn garbage bag makes the witch hat, the wound fence wire makes the pumpkin vines.
Aug 15th
Middle fingers mimicking the cloth on the wall.
The trinity knot is there but fading, the hand tattoos obscured, the chest tattoo hidden. Blue and pink for neon, red kiss for the red of the diner mat.
August 16
Aug 19th
Aug 19th
Aug 26th
The streaks of light dictate the heavy marker style. Clever.
Scanning in memory stuff for dead exboyfriend while watching Twin Peaks.
The green from here:
The purple and the shadows and the balloons from here:
The blue, red, yellow, and alligator pose from here:
Recreating. F for Fox in his heart? The degree circles cover the ring tattoo. He even tweaked the colors to make his shoulders yellow to match the shirt better.
August 28th
Some Molly Crabapple drawing vs Stefan’s superior drafting skills.
Aug 31st
You fucking mad brilliant motherfucker.
It’s a clown fish of course. One of Stefan’s photos of me one of our first times hanging out, and one of the few (unidentifiable) photographs he kept of me on his flickr.
Sept 8th
Sept 9th
A recent instagram post of mine, and an old favorite photograph I’d scanned in.
Sept 15th
Sept 22nd
Sept 24
Posting images on instagram for my radio show.
Sept 30th
October 5th-11th
This looks… sexual?
Her tattoo becomes a T-shirt design.
For some reason, in 2008 Stefan turned me into a cat with this photograph. His photo is deceptively demonic, but the tail changes it to cat.
Red leaves for the red floral pattern of my dress.
He’s the taller one, so he’s wearing the crown of thorns while I’m the dorky duck.
October 16th
no song is by chance.
Originally titled ANDROID STEF, his self portrait on the left was taken shortly after we split, part of one of the few shoots he tried without me. Pinky tattoo clearly visible.
Now, he’s blue again, covering up his arms, covering Marilyn’s eyes, don’t look. “I’m not so delicate with myself” reads the caption.
I’m so sorry, love.
October 23rd
Oct 24th
Oct 26th
You clever bastard.
Oct 27-28
A selfie and some photos I took on my way to a family reuinion, so he chooses the song “Bad Seed”. The tone and diagonals are mimicked, and then the photograph right above with trees and clouds that look like bats in flight, and then another shot of sky that looks of fire.
My self portrait while we were splitting. His captioned: “you should leave”
The silly phone pics I’d send him whenever he left.
