September 2nd 2008
email from me
Hmmmm.
This has been rolling around in the back of my head for a few days now. Maybe longer.
Ummmm. i know I probably went off a bit on phone texting when you’d mentioned something about <Prime Roommate> making you feel self concious. I didn’t mean to come off so overzealous or wierdly defensive as I probably did…
But.
See, this isn’t the kind of thing that I say. Because, well, it’s somehow embarrassing. And, well… I am always concerned that to do so will make you feel objectified, or lessen how awesome I think you are as a human.
However… perhaps you should know how amazingly fond I am of your physical self. I… um… The girly phrases that have gone on in my head regarding you when your form slides into my mind are: “Goodness…. and I’m allowed to touch him sometimes! eeeee!” and “The world has finally decided to be unfair in my favor!”
That sounds silly, I’m sure. But I’m not used to… the sight of flesh as being… thrilling. magnetic.
I can appreciate a person’s form – the face, the body, etc – find it aesthetically appealing, striking, or even alluring… but that doesn’t attract me to a person. Nor does that allow me to discount the fact that I find you physically… stunning. I currently find myself in the enviable position of being wholeheartedly attracted to you in both body and mind (and spirit for lack of a better term?)… being entirely taken by every aspect of your… um… (ok, I’ll say it) beauty.
That…. never happens. to me.
(Yes, I am embarrassed now.)
(I hope I haven’t offended you.)
email from Stefan
That’s not offensive…..just…..not something I often…..or ever read. ….and….I don’t know, hard to comprehend or something. ……but as usual……you make me feel slightly better about the days I live, via you’re kind words,meaningful gestures and honest friendship. You are good.
I am desperate need of movie watching in darkness with you.
I am in desperate need of your company….I need to be around a real friend……I am trusting people even less these days…….I will become less friendly so I can concentrate even more on painting for an exhibition in the winter……..I hate that i’m starbucks right now. Time to leave and get some food.
All the things you say and give me……never go unnoticed and always get rediscovered when I see them…….in fact……Tina Turnip and Baku got me through a particularly bad nightmare I had two days ago. It was……horribly,nauseatingly violent……and the images still play in my head. …..but…..I had them in bed with me and it was slightly more bearable.
Thanks for them……and for you.
Oh geez……a table of brace faced teens are giggling at me……time to go.
September 5th
email from Stefan
…about to tattoo a bunch of bullshit…..I don’t want to do his. ….but…..I have to.
…..This sucks.
…..I miss our cold,dark,bed comfy camaraderie.
and…..on a selfish note, I miss your…..skin. You can ignore that if you want.
….I’m wacky in the head and still feel…….depressed and I think…..fuck…….here they are.
…..time to apply a fake smile. enjoy your night…….you know where I’ll be.
email from me
well…. I miss your skin in my cold dark comfy bed.
I did lots of laundry and none of my pillow cases have any trace of you. I think it’s making my sleep suffer.
My day was pretty horrible.
Before i went to bed at 10:30 I had three phone conversations, and sent two business emails.
siiiigh. There’s a storm a-brewin’…. flood watches all over NJ… even here. Wish you were hiding here in the impending weather of doom with me…. my satelite TV is already going out and it hasn’t even started raining yet.
It would be nice… to have your warm flesh to cling to.
I keep scaring myself… wondering why I don’t have any life goals, life dreams, why i don’t know what I want….
I wish I could make everything better. In our worlds.