The image above is my interpretation of me and a person I know, if I was a female as well. The faces are not meant to reflect the me or the person I know. Though, just to clarify a bit, I’m the one on the right, happily carrying the other in a random lake on a pleasant overcast quiet day.
Now the reason I titled this “the lonely throne”, is because I realize that I, as well as most other people I’ve tended to get along with, are constantly sitting on one.
As I see it, I’ve been all the admirable things I’ve been cast as the antithesis of. I see my truths and feel betrayal, mirrored against another person’s. I feel terribly misunderstood and psychologically cloistered. As all of those I relate to, have also said feeling in one way or another. I know I’ve done just. I am left to know this, and most other realities, in the dark. It’s my singular perspective. Couldn’t be proved. It is a truth for me. I feel I’m well within my rights to have others ask for my forgiveness and come to terms with all their assumptions and unfair expectancies of my hands, amongst other things. The same way I am burdened with the concrete assertion that I alone, and at fault with everything and everyone, I come to face. Everyone asks for the same. For their side to be right. For their views to be the just, for their mind to have the word. The only word. For all sycophants to follow. It all clicks and sputters like a old plane about to take off, when we start thinking of how right we are. When the self mentally sits and builds statues of themselves in their own mind. The cheers get louder and louder. You must be right. They’re all praising you.
We’re our own servile toadstool, agreeing over and over again with our own stories. Time edits these stories. They constantly change, like a holy book being revised over and over to cater well to the next generation of progressive ideas.
In my experience of human interaction, I’d say one of the most frustrating things to do, or have done to you… is to try and explain to someone you didn’t mean to hurt them. It fills no gap. It serves no purpose. It gains no acceptance. I understand this on both sides of this battle field. Time, and the occasional saturated sincerity is the only possibility for salvation in this instance. Whether both parties will ever come to align their views, is unlikely. It’s a arid area of the psyche. Though, I’m no expert on psychology.
I see a uniform history of people who have dubbed me evil. They all have told me of many, horrid relationships or friendships. Usually, talking of screaming, violence, and long bouts of apathy, and how these things didn’t make them leave. It puts very much into perspective what a crawling, oozing, demon I must be viewed as if I’ve been even more exiled. I find violence to be an instant, inexcusable, immediate grounds for parting of ways. Also, EVERYONE turns down my offers to even the violent score. Their loud and clear restrictions of what they’ll ALLOW me to do to show my loyalty sets the stage for a very obvious flaw on their side. My only sliver of advice in this piece, is to say this. If you tell someone how you suffer or suffered, and they offer to react, and serve justice for YOU, let them. Or don’t ever, expect them to believe you want to share all areas of your life with them.
(I’d long ago talked him out of going into Manhattan to find and trounce the abusive man who’d once carried me across a room by my neck, pinned me to the bed, and hit me. Not that I didn’t want him to pummel the man, I just didn’t want Stefan to be jumped and outnumbered at the bar the abusive ex worked at. I think, that to tell Stefan of this past and not give him the emotional release of vengeance made him hate how much he cared, put emotions in his mind he didn’t otherwise know how to deal with.)
That is only one small example, that I have in my laundry list of MY “rights”. That, I know is pointless to continue on. This is about you, me, people we know, my personal experiences, maybe yours. Yet, as I say clearly through these words…others don’t think the same way. I am left to realize, I am…lower, than violent, groveling, uneducated, narcissists to some. What a place to be folks. Like a warm fire crackling…on your flesh.
The lonely throne is not what you may think though. It’s more of a masochistic position, than a sadistic one. You can make your own explanation of that line. I feel it’s too obvious to elaborate on.
Now this, I feel is crucial point to make. I say, without conceit, that I am a vocal lad indeed. I can be very grating and direct at times. To some, it’s what I’m known for. However, being angrily forthright is not a pastime for me. I react to things. For reasons. I’ve seen time after time, the “victims” of my tyranny hide behind a cloth of allowance. Making it gel in their head that I’m just a monster without a cause. Rather than dare to ask, what is the reason for my change. It is an unfathomable reality for most to think they are capable of doing wrong, or fueling such a reaction. For this, I’ll suffer greatly, and probably for the rest of my days.
Things are grim. Very unsettling. I’m left to think, and I guess believe I’m wrong in everything. I really did fuck up every aspect of life, and it’s glaringly obvious. If I’d known that I’m incapable of being liked by anyone, I would’ve played my cards a bit differently. I am not some kind of “mean person apologist”. I say unwaveringly, there is no light at the end of the social tunnel. Regardless of who you are, what you do, what you offer, and how you conduct yourself and your beliefs, you will be misread, and eventually called all the things you hate.
People dance quietly around me, hoping I don’t accidentally live a little with them.
I am an embarrassment. I am a artist. According to my theory, this locks into place like a ball in a socket.
These are my opinions. They may be wrong. They may be right. They make me both calm, and devastated. Either way, they won’t make a difference in anything. I don’t normally write in this subject on my blog. I’ll probably erase this. It’s just snowy and after watching a video of an unbearable couple argue, it stirred up a myriad of scrambled thoughts. As you can see.
They’ll be people who disagree entirely with everything I just wrote. They’re probably right. I repeat. I’ll bet my thoughts and feelings are wrong, and others are right. I’m fine with surrendering to that possibility. I don’t need to be right. Or, even feel as I want to be. I am a very hard edged man, but never under the impression my thoughts are shared, or justified.
The only person who can deliver this message is a complete failure. That’s why I wrote this. This failure is fine. You don’t have to like me. In fact, it’s impossible to do so. No one thus far, ever really has. Now get out of my fuckin’ throne so I could bitch in peace.
You’ll learn to take it. Trust me. I’m a professional at being hated by others.