March 16th 2013
email from me
Listening to a BBC thing about sleep. Given your difficulties with it, I thought you might find it interesting.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p015gwc5
March 17th 2013
email from Stefan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywc-68yNQk4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
One of the many propaganda videos they show in North Korea. You’ve probably seen these…but….yeah. This one isn’t that compared to some I’ve found that aren’t on youtube.
Make sure you listen to the whole thing….drinking snow…christ.
March 18th 2013
email from me
I’ve just watched the remake of Fright Night, and I have to say, I loved it. It gave enough respectful nods to the original while making a new and scarey version of their own.
Seriously. Give it a chance. I know you don’t dig on Colin Farrell, but….
I like the guy.
My new meds are kicking in crazy and I’m restless and twitchy and covered in muscle spasms and can’t sleep and feeling really odd.
Blurgh.
March 19th 2013
email from me
So. I asked my Dad about renting in Ocean Grove, and he gave me the fucking run around.
He might be moving. Maybe. But I’ve still got some stuff of mine in his garage attic space.
So, is there any chance you’d be willing to drive me to Freehold and help me transport some stuff to my crappy apartment in Queens?
I’d pay you what I could.
I’m really not happy about this.
March 20th 2013
email from me
Wow. Totally getting lies and runaround from my Dad. I shouldn’t be fucking surprised. But to claim dire financial situation and at the same time turn me down to pay him to let me rent the back or basement apartment in OG is such utter bullshit I can’t even…..
They won’t even let me PAY them to live there.
Nor will they let me just crash there for the weekend so I can go to the Asbury Park comic convention.
<Sister> meanwhile lives at home, works a mall job, and… whatever. She’s probably got dibs on it. Instead of me paying them rent.
Goddammit
Whatever. I hope your family stuff is going ok.
March 21st 2013
email from Stefan
Christ, it’s like they think the house is gonna explode if you enter it or something. I wonder if they realize that you cleaned that entire house tip to bottom when you lived there. I’m not even sure if <your sister> knows how to use a swiffer, let alone wash a dish. Maybe she does, but I doubt she’ll treat it like a home, and more just like a vaca spot.
Just found the extra key on a little key ring to the back door. You want i? Just go over there and spend the night. You think they’d call the cops?
Family stuff is weird. It’s made my family a little stranger. Both of my parents are on a lot of meds now. Not that I should talk, I’m still trying to get off dope. I keep going thru time trials and then something comes up that I have to do, (I know it sounds like a cop out)….but I absolutely have to take work…especially if it’s interesting work offers. I’ve been getting a couple of neat offers, and also have to make sure I have bills paid. Not to mention the personal life general anxiety, drama, and sleeplessness, that make me kick the wall and want to chew glass.
I’m doing a overhaul on most of my online shit soon and relaunching the blog once I have some more exposure once these jobs are finished. I have some more book covers possibly coming up, maybe a graphic novel illustration job….and still working on shit for that theater.
I think I may go on my longest stretch of withdrawal yet after the weekend. And at that point, I may just get a script for some xanax for when my anxiety gets really rough…..or just try and plow thru and deal. I’m really trying to get over this before I pick up a needle. Because, well….it’s calling me…and I’m struggling hardcore to not do it. I can’t believe I’ve managed to not shoot it yet, especially when it’s on my mind 24/7. But, I’m pretty fuckin’ determined to get off of it completely before I do it. But, there’s no guarantees in this shit. I’ll prob still pop pills for this & that even when I’m thru with it….it just seems to be what I’m gonna do.
Obviously this is beyond private, and I’m sharing with you because you know my past. I’m not looking for anything here…..just sort of bringing you a little up to speed, and letting you know that I’m not shooting. I really hope I could avoid that. But……it’s so fuckin’ hard for me right now. The urge is…christ. I’m getting tired of having consults and meetings and having to run to the bathroom because I start to start to shiver and my nose start to drip.
Anyway…..cheer & sunshine as usual.
emails from me
Christ, it’s like they think the house is gonna explode if you enter it or something. I wonder if they realize that you cleaned that entire house tip to bottom when you lived there.
Yeah, no shit. It’s really frustrating. I could have MADE THEM MONEY on that house. I could have made it profitable for them, ,but they just blew me off. If I could, I’d so totally buy it from them. Gosh, it’s frustrating.
It’s times like this I remember that my dad has never once acknowleged that I’m ill in any way, unless he was blaming me for it, which makes me wonder why I bother to have any contact with him at all.
I keep going thru time trials and then something comes up that I have to do, (I know it sounds like a cop out)….but I absolutely have to take work…especially if it’s interesting work offers. I’ve been getting a couple of neat offers, and also have to make sure I have bills paid.
No amount of money is worth your mental and physical health, which is what you’ll be doing if you stay on this path, man. Nothing is worth that. If you need less bills to pay, find a place to live that’s cheaper.
I think I may go on my longest stretch of withdrawal yet after the weekend. And at that point, I may just get a script for some xanax for when my anxiety gets really rough…..or just try and plow thru and deal. I’m really trying to get over this before I pick up a needle. Because, well….it’s calling me…and I’m struggling hardcore to not do it. I can’t believe I’ve managed to not shoot it yet, especially when it’s on my mind 24/7. But, I’m pretty fuckin’ determined to get off of it completely before I do it. But, there’s no guarantees in this shit. I’ll prob still pop pills for this & that even when I’m thru with it….it just seems to be what I’m gonna do.
Seems to me that still taking pills is going to be an always reminder of the drug that you aren’t taking. It all gets slippery pretty quick, y’know? The best way to do it is to not take anything. Because to jump from nothing to dope in one go is FAR less likely than it is to jump from popping Xanax to dope. The further you stay away from that entire WORLD the greater your chances of staying in the clear. Something like weed, though, might help. This might seem contradictory to what I’d been just saying, but I see weed as it’s own animal. A mild psychadelic. It helps me not with the pain specificially, but with being miserable about the pain. It might take some trial and error on different types of strains, but you should be able to get it. Actually, you might be able to get a card, I bet. If you go to a psychiatrist, and explain that all pills put you on a bad road, they might give you weed.
Or, y’know, just completely abstain. Which is hard, I know, without someone to do it with you.
Well, if you end up kicking and want someone around for a while to keep you company, I volunteer. I’ve got your back. If some Flexerill would help the soften process, let me know. I’ve got some, and I hate it. I just end up too tired for too long.
Obviously this is beyond private, and I’m sharing with you because you know my past. I’m not looking for anything here…..
I know. But I offer anyway.
just sort of bringing you a little up to speed, and letting you know that I’m not shooting.
I’m really glad you did. I appreciate that. I do worry about you, y’know. We are pretty solitary people without many folks to turn to, you and I. And… I always hope things are picking up for you.
I really hope I could avoid that. But……it’s so fuckin’ hard for me right now. The urge is…christ. I’m getting tired of having consults and meetings and having to run to the bathroom because I start to start to shiver and my nose start to drip.
Y’know, that alone is enough reason to not want to anymore, isnt’ it? I mean, that’s what keeps me from taking any painkiller too regularly, why I refuse to become a smoker again. I don’t want to be at the whim of my addictions.
I was really bad during the Lyme Disease time. The Vicodins that I’d taken off and on for a few years were upped, and I was taking them like clockwork, and then that was upped to Kadian. Which is morphine. And after a few months, I could feel it taking hold.
So i quit. And it was awful. I watched Wall-E and bawled. I writhed in pain with heating pads and vibratey massagers on every part of my body. Aunt Mary ignored that anything was wrong with me.
Anyway. Whatever.
I just went for some new tests today, traveled over an hour to the fancy doctors, and I had the wrong day. I totally thought today was Friday. Dammit.
I’m so tired.
If you need someone to speak to, just to ramble with to keep your mind off grim things. try to call. I’m less nocturnal right now, for doctor reasons, but you never know. I keep waking up every 3 hours.
Oh yeah, and…
Just found the extra key on a little key ring to the back door. You want i? Just go over there and spend the night. You think they’d call the cops?
Hmmmmm. I was just thinking yesterday that I should look to see if I still have the key. I know they changed the locks for the main house after I moved out (dicks), but I somehow doubt they bothered about the back apartment.
So, do I want it? Maybe?
But…. motherfucker man. This whole situation with my family just constantly bleeds and stings. I’d been really good for a long time. Aside from being in agonizing pain (which, y’know, happens from time to time) I couldn’t remember the last time I had one of those days where I kept spontaeneously breaking into tears. Until this week, that is. Until I tried to ask my family to let me PAY to be in an empty space.
Oh, and also? My dad mentioned in his brief email to me that my mom contacted him trying to get in contact with me.
Great. fucking fabulous.
I really don’t care that <stepdad> is wasting away from dementia. I’m sure he’s going to commit suicide soon, and possibly it’ll be double suicide between them. Who knows. I cannot do anything for her. They were crap parents to me. They were selfish and narcissistic the whole way through.
Rainbows and Sunshine!!!
March 22nd 2013
email from Stefan
Yeah, I know Kadian. I had two bottles of Morphine sulfate. I was taking a few hundred mgs a day. And, IR oxycodone. Then, obviously they ran out, and became to too expensive. So….heroin converts to morphine….blah.
The weed thing….eh. I know it works for you, and you felt like you were leaning towards withdrawal. But, I’m up to over a gram a day of narcotics. That’s why I said, I’m not looking for anything….we are completely different animals. I now what works for you, but I’m way beyond the point of thinking about smoking a little engineered indica….(though I could probably get a few scripts from the dispensary in Montclair….if you want me to try and get some for you).
Amyway….there’s a lot of other things, variables I don’t talk about. I’m just my own issue….my own creature….and I take everything too far. I have to find my own way out. I’m really in a bad way today. And a bunch of drugs fell in my lap from shit that was owed to me. I obviously wish it didn’t. Anyway….I have to try and wake up early to get my filling….refilled. It’s all the way up in the back….but I keep rolling my tongue around where the metal was. And, it doesn’t hurt at all….so I know there’s no nerve exposed. )I sucked in air to see if it hurt….nothin’). BUt I don’t want to be one of those people that just sit and wait for it to get worse. I don’t like teeth issues. As opposed to those people that adore dental issues.
Good thing they have the Hackensack University dental schools. They take all insurance, and do walk-ins. It’s two minutes away. And, those students do a better job than most dentists. They’re always under supervision anyway.
Fuck it….I have to try and draw some shit I’m behind on. I’m getting used again. I’m probably going to get into a nasty argument tomorrow. Well…it’ll be me yelling at this guy who thinks he’s intimidating. I’m getting real tired of people thinking they know what I go thru daily, or what I’ve done and seen.
Anyway….let me give these links you sent me a listen while I draw.
I hope that OG stuff works out. I’ll prob be on Cookman ave here & there. I’m most likely gonna be doing some design work in a gym that opened up there. I’m friends with the guy who opened it…..and his brother (who’s the money backer) is one of my best clients. They may give me, or rent me out some space in the building to set up a painting studio. Still workin’ on that. BUt, that’s a decent distance for me to feel like I’m not driving across the state, but still getting out of the area to paint for the night. And, I wouldn’t mind the scene on Cookman be my view and back round noise.
email from me
I’ve more to write, but I’m on a deadline with photoediting, and my right hand isn’t working so good.
So, abbreviated: I know you know your own body better than me, but it’s impossible for me to not try and help in some way, so I have to try and give some morsel of possibly useful perspective. I didn’t imagine weed would replace and help your current situation; I was thinking more in the long term as an alternative of taking pills forever.
Fuck. I’m so jealous. I want to have a place on Cookman!
If you know of any places where Section 8 is open, or have ANY idea of how to get someone to put me on a waitinglist somewhere….. PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I need to know the right people, I think.