He not only drew the tattoo, but he made the tattoo transfer himself. For his tattoo, he mirror-flipped the image. Why?
Well, if we pop the contrast and turn it upsidedown…
… you can see that he’s made the curve of the top of her hair into a boxy shape, and obscured the whites of her eyes. He changed the delineation of shadow and light of the hair on the sides of her head, and made the overall shape there more round.
With his alterations, it makes a grinning monstery skull head with wavy black hair now, most obviously due to the smirky smile line on the right of the monster mouth – a line that has no correlation in the original photograph. In the center of the monster’s forehead is Marilyn’s mouth, but instead of teeth there is a small line of highlight, reminiscent of Stefan’s hair curl. The negative space on the sides of the head now make an F and S, Fox and Stefan (Friends of Stickiness). If he hadn’t mirror-flipped the image, the letters would be backwards.
He sees me as Marilyn. He sees/portrays himself as a monster, as a zombie, as a corpse. It’s both of us. Another mashup of us.
But why Marilyn?
In 2020, Stefan and I were talking quite regularly. Weekly, sometimes daily. He wasn’t doing well, and we were both rather isolated in our worlds.
Remember that lecherous comic book scene from my 20’s that so rankled Stefan? It had been based around the fandom and message board of comic book writer Warren Ellis. 2020 was also the year that a sex scandal surrounding Warren Ellis broke, and made headlines in The Guardian, Newsweek, The Hollywood Reporter, etc. For decades, Ellis had left a trail of pervy and manipulative misconduct behind him, and fostered an environment where others followed suit. A site was made for all the women who were victims of / witness to his creepiness to write their stories, and I was one of those women. Stefan and I talked about it as the story was breaking. I think that (and the passage of time) changed Stefan’s perspective on me, and that era of my life.
In 2022, just two months before Stefan got his tattoo, the film “Blonde” about Marilyn Monroe was released on Netflix. The movie focuses on her loneliness, and how her sexuality was both what exalted her and destroyed her; how it filled those around her with judgement and contempt and manipulation, when she only wanted love and acceptance.
In retrospect, (and something he hinted at in our conversations) I suspect that Stefan’s discarding of me for someone else was due to his insecurities, jealousy, and judgement over my past, a seed of doubt that was reinforced repeatedly by his roommate. I wasn’t seen as “wife material” so to speak.
I could be totally wrong about this, but it would explain why he replaced me with a new woman while continually drawing me before, during, and after; afraid and ashamed of his feelings for me when we were together, then spending years tearing himself apart with regret.
I’m so fucking angry that he didn’t have better guidance to help him through it all. I’m so fucking angry that I didn’t see it all sooner.
AFTERWARD
Because maybe I’m just a crazy delusional asshole.
Email to Stefan’s brother
September 8th, 2024
Well, it’s been two months?
I had some things I wanted to say.
Stefan really did look up to you as a big brother. Your opinion was paramount to him. While it may have read to you as competition, he was only ever trying to earn your respect and acceptance. He desperately wanted your friendship and compassion, and was hurt that your visits didn’t include a knock on his bedroom door with familial concern and inquiry.
He’d told me once a story that had great meaning to him. When you guys were little and playing in a back yard, some kid did something crazy like stab Stefan with something? And in retaliation you freaked out and screamed and jumped on the kid’s back, I think is what he said? Stefan held that memory tightly. It meant that you cared, that you were willing to defend him, physically even, which was out of character for you and therefore held even more value to him. A moment in time that he really cherished. Brotherly camradarie, protection, and love.
Questions:
You’d said that you before inviting me, you’d asked Stefan if he was ok with my attending your wedding. Before asking his approval, were you going to not invite me to avoid him having to see me? Did you ask him what was going on? Did he want to see me, or was he avoiding me? Was my presence potentially that negative?
When I mentioned to you at the bar (a week after the funeral) that I’d wanted to offer him a place to crash for the wedding, you said that wouldn’t have been a good idea. Why?!
What was going on with him? Why was interacting with me such a problem? Either for you or for him?
At the very least you could read, look at, and listen to the final Sticky Friends collaboration. Do take your time going through it all.
Still no response.
I repeatedly asked mutual friend what he knew about my wedding invitation, but got nothing but repeated avoidance to a direct answer. He also maintained that he’d been right to discourage me from offering Stefan a place to crash. I found this cruel and offensive, and told him to go through the pages of comparative art I’d compiled. Rather than look, rather than accept that he’d been wrong about Stefan, rather than give me any straight answers to my questions, he blocked me on all social media and responded with this:
Email from mutual friend (excerpt)
September 26th, 2024
…I think he is deep in the throes of grief over losing his brother, and finds it deeply upsetting having to dredge up the details of Stefan’s last months on earth to support the narrative you’ve created, especially given the accusatory tone you’ve taken with him (and it is accusatory, regardless of what semantic debates you want to have about it).
I think you need help. I know that sounds condescending and reductive, and I’m sorry, but I don’t know any other way to say it. Even if I did subscribe to the narrative you’re trying to create about you and Stefan (I find most of the connections you’re suggesting tenuous, at best; I think you’re finding what you want to find), combing through years’ of social media posts from a dead man looking for clues about his emotions is a deeply morbid and disturbing thing to do.
If indeed I am being morbid and disturbing, I don’t imagine Stefan of all people would take issue with that.
When I was finally invited just two weeks before the wedding, I had been given a vague excuse about limited space and last minute chaos and things getting lost in the shuffle. So why would my asking questions about Stefan and my invitation “dredge up the details of Stefan’s last months”?
Does that mean I was intentionally not invited from the beginning because of Stefan? My anxiety had been on overdrive because after years of being told to stay away, I feared I was going to trigger some kind of scene at the wedding. Then at the funeral I was told repeatedly how good I was for him. I just want to understand.
One of Stefan’s voice messages to me these last few years was explaining that he might sound weird talking because he spends his time alone and doesn’t speak to anyone most of the time.
Neither do I.
We’re both the same anxiety ridden agoraphobes we were when we first met. We’ve both been so isolated, so alone, so empty and lovelorn for so very long.
We didn’t have to be. We would have fought for each other. We would have helped each other survive.
We were so fiercely and passionately devoted to each other when we were both trying not to be. I can’t even imagine the intensity that would radiate from his gaze, from hearing his lips say “I love you”, from feeling his embrace envelop me for forever.
No, that’s wrong. I can imagine it. I can feel it. I can taste it. I see every detail behind my eyelids in an endless tortuous carousel of almosts. Every sensation exists so vividly that his absence creates sonic boom in my solar plexus with a want that possesses the gravity of a black hole.
I love you, Stefan.
I never stopped, and I guess I never will.
This could be us…
Art Collection Preface
[This doesn’t load well on mobile devices, desktop is preferred.]
Have you ever found a long forgotten pile of Playboy magazines in an attic, and spent an afternoon searching for the hidden bunny on the cover of each one? This is like that, only if you threw the magazines into a blender with some fake blood, cigarette ash, and the not entirely historically accurate biographical films of Carrington, Immortal Beloved, and Sid and Nancy.
(still being updated, I’ve not found all the correlations yet)
This is in chronological order as best I can wrangle. Stefan deleted a lot of content regularly, reposted repeatedly, and his blog is gone but for what few pages were salvaged from the Way Back Machine. Stefan did not give his own work the respect it deserved, and took shitty photographs rather than scanning his work in properly (aside from his website.)
When I first started this now sprawling project, I expected only to find scattered references to me. However, I’ve now realized that Stefan was already secretly basing a lot of his art on me during our happy years, and continued to do so ever since.
Evidently he had access to my flickr login, and not only could he see my private/uncensored images, but for a number of years my flickr also included auto-uploads of EVERYTHING from my phone. Every “how does my ass look?” photo, every Reminder-To-Self pic, every saved internet jpeg.
In the tumblr blog era, he was referencing my newly posted content sometimes within a day but generally within a few weeks – with exceptions for my family photo archives, which he turned to often and throughout. As my photography waned, he reached into my archives more and more. When he’d exhausted most of what interested him there, he would reference my public posts on facebook and instagram, but would often choose a series of images I’d posted years prior to draw from.
Talented and creative as Stefan is as an artist, I find myself even more impressed with his renderings now knowing the logic and thought process behind them. I wish he was less fucking clever, maybe I’d have pieced it together before he was gone forever.
I love his madness brain. I know his relationship towards me was, I suppose, unhealthy and obsessive… but have you met me?! I’ve got the OCD/ADHD/ASD/CPTSD combo. I have anxiety attacks every time I get dressed. I am a human bower bird, spending hours fixating on proper placement of color and objects, be it clothing, items on a shelf, furniture in a room. I’ve been objectified, drawn, photographed, posed, and painted since I was four years old.
I’d have forgiven his secret use of me as artistic inspiration in an instant. I’d be thrilled. This is what makes sense in my strange world. He was everything I wanted. Even the darkest broken parts. He was my everything person.
Dear reader, please take your time looking through the following cascade of visual rage, want, and competition as it then turns to tribute, reminiscence, and longing. Imagine what that kiss, a kiss so many years in the making would have felt like.
If it was not yet clear by now, I am related to almost everything that Stefan has posted to the internet. When I first began this project, I did not suspect as such, and only thought I’d find references to me scattered throughout. I was wrong. I am not just posting the things I found matches for. I’m posting almost everything (with exception to photographs of his parents, his brothers, his dogs), and almost everything has a correlation.
Many of these correlations wouldn’t make a strong case individually, but the sheer volume carries a lot of weight. I’m sure I’m wrong with some of these. But even if half of my associations are totally off base and delusional, this is still a rather significant number of similarities.
2015
August 9th
Stray cats in Brooklyn, my cats intrigued by the outside cat on our fire escape, and wet, post-bath cats; Followed by Stefan visiting a zoo with birds behind bars, and a swimming beaver. Three weeks apart.
August 12th
I was kissed by John Cameron Mitchell at Hedwig on Broadway. His photo is just four days later, mimicking a photograph I took in 2009. I think he’s impressed?
September 29th
Mine from July.
I love this one.
An exboyfriend I’d dated in highschool died of a heroin overdose around this time. I went through old photographs and memorabilia. This is a theme and range of images that Stefan often returns to. Here he combines the faces and my overplucked eyebrows, adds the sadness of regret, and some tiny bottles of liquor.
2016
January
January 10th
The pants dictate the color of the skull.
There’s some Cemetery Man in there. Not sure why, but I was drawing Cemetery Man shortly after, so maybe we were talking about it?
January 27th
He combines his photo and my photo of a kitten that was staying with him for a while.
When I had kidney stones in October of 2007, Stefan brought me to the hospital.
The truck graffiti makes the walleyed clown, my relatives at an angle inspire the cartoon faces to the left, the portrait of Victor Borgia makes the distinguished looking chap.
random phone pics next to each other in the feed.
February 9th
February 10th
The first thing we ever made together. Most of those hands he’s drawn are in a similar position.
Valentine’s Day
Captioned: “Happy Stefan Day. From me, a cat, and some shy lady behind my S.”
The stray peice of hair gives the suggestion of jowls, which he includes in his drawing.
Chewbacca mug becomes the mouth, knuckles become stubby gloved fingers.
The swirl shape is borrowed from my hair.
March 5th
My zombie drawing and my photograph of Neil DeGrasse Tyson at the Museum of Natural History.
Are you fucking kidding me?! It says SPACE on the wall behind me, as taken by Stefan of us at the Museum of Natural history. I am a Space Lady.
And this Space Lady.
April 26th
crossed eyes right there in the middle
He actually sent this one to my boyfriend.
April 27th
Incorporating my hives.
May 25th
June 21st
Two weeks apart
July 1st
Two weeks apart
July 30th
I post that I’m going to my annual woodsy family reunion, he posts the next day about floating down the river.
August 26th
An older photo of mine, with his new one about the carnival.
August 29th
One week apart
September 27th
November 3rd
My duck pout inspires Daisy.
November 22nd
My rage at sitting in the fucking floor of the PATH train with my cane and other recent photos is turned into POW comics.
I was scanning in old things from the dead exbf. One of the song titles mentions a gun. Happy Noodle boy on the tape cover becomes old Cab Calloway Betty Boop cartoons.
December 2nd
The angles and the colors and the image quality, especially with the tootsie roll pops lettering and the angled placement of the elements on the paper.
December 3rd
Two weeks apart.
December 8th
December 14th
Three days apart. The colors match, he frames himself in a hallway, and his fingers where they are recreate the suggestion of my cleavage.
December 26th
His caption talks about the car, but he’s really photographing the trees.
2017
January 17th
My mouth twice, her face.
February 2nd
I had described the WTC as a space whale carcass.
February 13th
Icicles on the globe lights create a weapon.
He kept my tubal ligation scar.
March 19th
November 1st
Three weeks apart.
November
November 18th
My drawings of SWANS playing becomes a zombie.
Two weeks apart.
2018
February 11th
The house where I was living when we separated. One of the few photos on his flickr, captioned with: “A picture before my last meal as a human.” He posted this one often as well.
February 21st
Electric.
March 6th
On my way to Thanksgiving. I think this was the year my brother showed us the gun he’d built piece by piece?
March 15th
March 20th
August 16th
October 20th
October 28th
2019
February 2nd
my sister’s hand, my face.
He combines two photos from our early days in Ocean Grove with two of our last. The shiny metal of the grocery store becomes the chainsaw, the leaf border of the wall hanging inspires leatherface’s background.
March 16th
March 19th
March 31st
My hand, because the photograph of me was right next to the photo of him, and because the garbage bin I’m in mimics the shape of the bedframe.
Two different photos of me with a neck brace. The more recent just two weeks prior. The blue sweater informs the hair, the uneven eyes remain.
When in doubt, compare ear shape.
Looking downwards at me heartbroken under the rose bush.
The hands from the shirt design.
May
He combined old highschool photos of the dead ex with my sadness at his death.
These photos were all from autumn 2011, but he posted this to IG in 2019.
The yellow in the background, even.
May 28th
combining us from my bedridden days.
Shadow makes it look like I’ve a bloody nose.
(John Cameron Mitchell lipstick leavings.)
June 29th
The lights inspire the stoplight, the pepper becomes a hat, my childhood photo in a castle inspires the shoe choice and the rectangle in the middle, my friend with the hat and the middle fingers inspires the gnome on the right, down to the star on the shoe.
Botox gone wrong for a creepy clown smile.
September 16th
Three days apart. He screenshots the image to replicate the graphics framing the playbill cover.
September 28th
Drawings from a pun project I made for the boyfriend.
I think this is older, but i’ve no idea when/where it was originally posted.
September 5th
October 3rd
Two weeks apart
November
November 17th
A painting I made for my Aunt, and Stefan’s mashup.
Wallpaper of roses.
Piano teeth, fetish boots for a hat, sunglasses and steampunk combined, and a splash of red.
November 27th
December 4th
My brief attempt at dating again after nearly five years of celibacy.
December 5th
Posted the same day. He’s wearing similar colors and cut. He crops his image with the piece of mask, like red hair, like it’s a photo of he and I. This becomes a trend later.
Also posted the same day. He clearly took a photo of this picture from a computer screen. The colors of his glasses and soda match, as do the greens and blues.
His brain is a magical rolodex of color and composition.
December 7th
Five days apart.
December 10th
Secret Agent Man? I posted this in September. We watched all of The Prisoner together in the Ocean Grove days.
I think he’s doing this Columbo scene I posted on my instagram in October? The glass behind him, the expression and hand gesture, the Bruce Lee shirt like the squares of video in his glasses. We watched all of the original run of Columbo together, too.
December 13th
December 29th
December 29th
Keeping the line of the wall and window behind me. Ocean Grove was our safe place.
[This doesn’t load well on mobile devices, desktop is preferred.]
Getting my drivers license back after it had expired.
The red of the photo makes me a demon.
I drew Stefan visiting me when he had a van (that was like a dinosaur?). He then drew a Fox version.
The horizon line is the same angle, the planet the same spot as the circle on the wall, and I mean, a big FOX HEAD.
He’d not been happy to hear I’d ridden on a motorcycle with an exboyfriend. This is that ex:
So is this:
Marching band hat makes the spiked helmet, his drumming hands now holding the club. The house on the hill behind him inspires the castle, the trombone makes for the path, the line of the roof of the house dictates the border of the scene.
Scanning in old family stuff at my Aunt’s.
Her body, my hand, the horizon line the same slope. He’d started to draw the fencing behind, but then obscured those lines with that of the plant in a vase and excessive background shading.
Family reunion hi-jinx at Fox Fest.
What follows is a handful of drawings based on drunken bar people from my early 20’s. My bawdy crowd of comic book professionals and fans was a notorious nerdy bar scene on display. Stefan fixated on this time in my life. It rankled him, and it made him question my… taste? worth?
The lunch boxes inspire the robot. The faces combine for the woman.
His drink holding hand becomes her candle holding hand.
I am both the human and the monster.
Combining the women, the line of the wood paneling inspires the rope.
All next to each other in my flickr stream
Both images of me make the vampire, the dude is the pumpkin, the other chick is the mustached man, childhood me is faceless.
He reuses both my hands in different places, the same angle of clothing against my chest, the V of his necklace dictates the V of the robe
Their faces combined with my body.
My abusive girlfriend leaving me a note becomes the caged raven, me sitting next to a door is repeated, the woman in red becomes the figure in the frame.
The bearded dude in the jacket becomes the chipmunk, the two people bearing teeth inspires the slug mouth, the color scheme dictated by their clothes.
From my photobucket; two old drawings of mine, a still from an old french 80’s cartoon, and my abusive ex-girlfriend. The gorilla makes the beast face, the cartoon provides the mohawk, the vagina dentata inspires the teeth and linework, and the exgf is the beast rider.
Again from my photobucket, old photos of war protests and an old drawing is mashed together. The sign replicated, the doves inspire the angel, my drawing makes the demon child, the woman’s hair becomes the demon’s.
A photo Stefan took of my legs. The two self portraits become a baby, the photo of brooklyn windows inspires the brain explosion, my tears inspire the small globe atop the detached leg, my hair inspires the frayed lines that surround it.
combining two photos, the ponytail replicated, the scaffolding drawn into a shape behind the monster, the pattern of his shirt drawn into the monster’s necklace, his glasses dictating the monster’s deep eye hollows, the oversized puppet makes the dragging monster hands.
Two images from 2005
The door replicated, her spiky bangs represented by the pointy hair flower, their faces combined, the pearl necklace remains, the bench in the background becomes a shelf, the handled pot on the shelf mimicking the pose of my aunt, the vase mimicking the beer bottle.
My drawing, then his.
My brother’s hands reused as the monster’s hands.
The pitcher handle mimicked by the beard curl, the ears inspired from the pitcher spout, curls of the fur from the mirror curves and mattress pattern.
A mashup of composition, me hugging my cousin becomes me hugging the dog, the demon dog inspired by my witchy cousin beside us.
His caption on facebook: “Here’s a past drawing I did of an old photo I found of a young lady and her massive hound. I obviously embellished the features to make him look…a tad unfriendly. No watermark necessary, I’m not really taking credit for this because I more or less drew the picture as it was…besides the obvious. There’s something christmasy about it…not overtly, but in a Dickensian way. Eh.”
Something Christmasy about it?! Something like me, Rachael Noel, born on Christmas Eve?! AAAaaarrrrgh.
The arch of the grill handle becomes the hood, his hand replicated, the cloth wrinkles and plants remain.
On his site, then colored for tumblr.
Originally on his website, then redrawn for tumblr.
Opening a Ouija board on Christmas and the terror of braces inspires the demon theme. I’m such a dork.
In reference to a drawing I’d given him of my dinky espresso machine, he drew a massive espresso machine on cardboard, originally drawn in 2008/2009
2009
January 18th
TENS Unit. Electricity. A thing with us.
April 12th
He’d made his profile picture on facebook a photo of him in my Fox Fest T-shirt.
I’d forgotten that he had asked me to model for this one.
September 16th
A Sticky Friends photo
I didn’t have this image in my files.
September 25th
A reference to our March of the Pumpkins movies.
October 9th
These were both taken at my Aunt’s house, I believe.
October 24th
Funny. His was first. Mine was the following day. I didn’t consciously think of it as a response.
October 26th
My cryface image taken in July, his taken in October right before his Halloween party.
Sticky Friends vs Stefan
October 27th
I co-hosted his 2008 Halloween party, but the following year I did not attend. My 2008 photos on the left, his 2009 on the right.
The measuring cups in the foreground of his photo to recreate the green of light of mine.
My photo below was taken just a month prior to the Halloween party.
The double exposure eyebrows make the clown makeup shape, my grin similar to the clown. He talked his friend into wearing that specific clown costume for the Halloween party, and then recreates the photo that inspired that choice.
Stefan then did a drawing of his own photo of that character, which is redrawn/reposted often.
(He only posted the ones copying my photographs to flickr. There’s oodles more photographs of people partying and whatnot on his facebook.)
November 8th
I didn’t attend the party, but we did spend Halloween together. Here’s us the night before Halloween at a Haunted Hayride, with his T-Rex arms.
November 9th
Our faces combined, with scarfed away chins.
His knee, my hands and hair.
November 20th
Me as a child and a mural I drew while working at Starbucks in the 90’s
November 21st
My old cat Mister Mangles, and Stefan’s new stray.
His caption: “She’s…..gotta go. Though, I don’t want her to. She escaped my roommates room and opened my door. She pounced on my bed in complete darkness and just adjusted herself to my shape and stretched up against me. That’s hard to let go.”
WHY did she have to go if you didn’t want her to?!?
November 25th
A photo he asked me to take for painting reference, vs his own recreation.
My image from two weeks prior, holding a heading pad to the back of my head in ever worsening brain leak headache.
His photograph, expressing how he felt during our split, and then drawing it.
November 26th
His caption: Happy Thanksgiving Be thankful for your friends. Even if you find them grotesque, don’t forget who carried your weight when you needed a lift. A picture of a father giving his son a piggy back ride inspired this. I don’t really like the perspective…..or the drawing. I’ll be redrawing this.
I really love this one. He just took elements from different old family photos I was scanning in at the time.
His own photograph, turning his friend holding him into me being held by a gender-swapped him; the origins of what would later turn into the theme of his bloodied figure carrying my bloodied body in his arms.
(He actually explained this one to me at the time, because I’d asked if the female-Stefan was the other woman he was dating.)
on my way to a funeral.
For each of these drawings, representing the torture he was in as we were splitting up, he used reference from the photographs I took of us on our very first time hanging out. Even the colors and the ghostly cigarette with a blue glow, the fellow in the right looking like he was made out of apple.
This image doesn’t exist online except a thumbnail.
Her face, his hands, his hair for the fur,
His two attempts at Sticky Friends type stuff without me. He’d made me take down our photo with him shirtless, as he was already with the new girl. And of course, in his new photographs he was sure to get that pinky tat front and center, just to rub it in.
This whole time period must have been terribly confusing and difficult for her, too.
December 7th
Three days apart.
2010
January 1st
A combination of photographs.
(he wouldn’t normally cut himself so defined a line from temple to chin if it weren’t there so prominently in the source photograph, and his large eyes look small and sad because they are from a different angle.)
Not sure when this was originally posted, but he uses the exact same greens and blues and reds present in the photograph.
January 18th
January 28th
Headache days.
February 9th
March 2nd
From my photobucket. I’d drawn something to explain how useless both I and my mother are without reference to draw from. I’d asked my mother to draw a chicken for me to use as reference for a school project. She forgot that chickens had two legs so she gave it four, and also gave it ears, because she knew there was something pointy about the head but didn’t remember exactly what. Stefan randomly posted this on his facebook without explanation.
March 8th
a month apart.
March 14th
I took this of him our first night out in Ocean Grove. He said it looked like his spirit was leaving his body. He’s recreated it in a hallway.
March 23rd
One of the photos we’d taken for his website, so he’s desaturated it to match the colors and sleeping between the graphics.
nine days apart. His caption: “If you stare at tile long enough…you’ll realize how stupid you are.“
March 24th
Two weeks apart. Symbolically separating in bathrooms.
April 15th
Three weeks apart. I’d uploaded old photos on March 21st. Me at age 17 with last night’s makeup and a half shaved head holding a kitten becomes a hairless cat with dramatic eyes.
May 20th
We found a snake at the Great Swamp.
June 10th
He’s riffing off of an old photograph of mine from 2006. (We liked to eat rare meat together.)
June 15th
one month apart. how I woke up from surgery. His is framed so the female symbol on the bathroom door is visible behind him.
May 4th
captioned: “Fellas, she’s single.”
July 19th
One month apart. The hand in the same position, the fish a substitute for the black ttongue of my zombie drawing.
August 9th
One of the few times I could visit his house, there was a kitten visiting. We both took photos.
October 20th
Both of us with black eyes.
2011
April 23rd
May 4th
He combines faces to obscure the references.
May 6th
Realizing that Stefan thought these were both the same guy. I was wondering why he gave him earings, and the crossbones. I’d attended the Chiller Theatre convention with the fellow on the left, and he and I both met and had a photo taken with two actresses from Killer Klowns from Outerspace (not something I planned). It drove Stefan crazy, no doubt, and likely feeds into his frequent reposting of his Killer Klown drawing, and often revisiting my Chiller photographs.
I was aware this was us.
But not this one.
Reposting my old Halloween photos of myself dressed up like Spike the vampire, immediately after, Stefan posts a selfie with a caption: “…I haven’t taken a picture of myself since I decided to after a five year old cried “Mommy Vampire!”, in public upon seeing me. I mean, I’m not exactly an extreme looking character these days, but I give off that “vibe”. Ugh…kill me. So, I left the house while still light out and I got the vampire thing twice in a few hours…”
And then he posts this image:
inspired by my photographs of a themed figure drawing session. It’s obviously not his nose, he copied the red of the sunglasses, and used the curls of her hair and the pattern of the “tattoos” on Jiz Lee’s chest in his hair.
June 15th
This one I noticed and he confirmed he used my grandfather as reference.
I didn’t notice my Dad, though.
This one is beautifully weird.
Fox Fest!
This one is really quite brilliant. Using the pattern and color of the shirt for the fish, his hand for the tail, and posting him twice because it’s Tony Clifton.
Of course, he captioned it with: “I’m only drawing for clients tonight. So… here’s one of those drawings. It’s just concept art… not a polished product. Settle down.” He always had explanations for his drawings. It never occurred to me he was making it up. At this point, I think he was drawing from my photographs as a kind of Fuck You.
October 6th
I caught Tony Clifton and Gary Busey catching up at Chiller.
2012
me and a crappy drawing of mine from our time together.
the two above images were next to each other in the feed.
A bachelorette party at a strip club.
February 1st
A video and a drawing of mine I’d recently posted online.
March 29th
Not sure when this was first posted. My photos were from December 2011.
March 22nd
March 2nd
Posted a day apart.
He’d posted the above in 2010(?). He posted the updated version below in 2012 with an underbite shortly after I posted this selfie.
He captioned the drawing with:
“You may recognize this hot mama from an early (and more competently drawn) post.”
That “competently drawn” post uses a reference photo (my crying face) that is right next to this image from a trip to a graveyard Stefan and I took together:
But the images are only next to each other if looking at my photos when logged in to Flickr. What obscure madness. What the fucking fuck, you brilliant asshole.
(I deciphered many of the image mashups by finding them next to each other in the feed.)
May 6th
you clever wierdo.
November 14th
The wings are from the tree in the background of the adjacent image.
November 16th
When I think I’ve found an image that is not related to me, spelunking through social media history of posts from that same day/week can bring laugh out loud rewards.
hint hint, I’m watching you.
Santa’s face from the boy, the boy’s face and shirt from the girl, the colors are picked from the original photos. The bend of the green iron fence makes the pattern of Santa’s belly curve?! Are you kidding me? You mad bastard. You brilliant brain.
December
My new boyfriend had some success doing book covers for RandomHouse. So Stefan does a book cover. Which looks a lot like my recent logo ideas.
The color and patterns…
The drink-holding hand for the child, the blurred out lights in the background become the pattern of christmas tree lights on the kid’s jumper, the diagonal stripes behind the suit and the red for the candycane, the green condom becomes the candycane tongue, the guy is the candycane face.
This one seems a stretch, but: his sleeves and the music stand mistletoe branches clinch it.
He posted his selfie shortly after my own.
His caption: “Don’t you post any serious pictures of yourself?” Someone asked. Umm…no. I’m not even sure what that means. Like, lifting my shirt up and flexing in a mirror? This is as serious as I get. Meaning….ridiculous. Take it or leave it facebook.”
What a dick.
The ductwork inspires the gun, the yellow glow and pattern of the bottles atop the cabinet replicated. All near each other on my flickr.
2013
January 5th
I attended an erotic art event in Florida as a photographer.
January 8th
He often gives hints with color.
The red corresponding to the pink lighting on the guitarist, the skulls and green from the performance piece money, my then boyfriend as a skull in the foreground.
August 21st
Boyfriend’s roommate’s elderly cat, going grey. Stefan videos his elderly dog, gives her a good closeup.
August 30th
He posts the day after me, about walking with crutches.
September 20th
Going to doctor appointments and my recent drawing of mom’s dogs becomes Block Dog.
Feathers = bird.
Adrian Belew
(not my photo, taken by Jeff Moore)
Two weeks after I posted this photograph of me at WFMU, Stefan made a goddamn radio from scratch.
Well shit. Yup, I guess I’m Marilyn. Green background and everything. With black hair, no less. And roses. And one eye.
I truly didn’t think that this could be me related, but I checked my facebook for the week it was first posted and…
September 20th
Two days apart.
November 10th
November 14th
One month apart. The Room poster provides the eyes with space below the iris, the lip shape, and the red design element. An older photo of me as reference for the hair.
December 22nd
Ten days apart from when first posted. Disco fries inspires the trees, the pug becomes owl, the two images of me right below becomes the children.
2014
I posted two photos from attending a school dance with a girl, he posts his folks, and a photo of his first time in drag, matching the basic color scheme of each.
His hand remains the same, simply moved.
From Quimby’s during our road trip to Chicago
June
I post myself at the Seattle Erotic Art Festival. He posts himself airbrushing zombies for The Walking Dead.
His image is reversed, making his badge at the same angle as the SEAF sign. A cigarette for the flame of the logo?
He looks so painfully sad.
Another Walking Dead shot, similar to my selfie from May.
July 6th
I post a wall of portraits my mother drew. He posts a tattoo portrait. The ONLY tattoo work on his entire instagram.
June 8th
Five weeks apart
June 12th
uploaded six days apart
September 2nd
A little girl gave me a sticker. Stefan posts about removable graffiti stuck with adhesive. My angry face. Same color.
Hidden love.
We start communicating via fb again.
November 9th
I think this is when my boyfriend read through our emails?
November 11th
He started redrawing our comic book Romance From Beyond…
…and used, as reference, a gory photograph I’d saved to my phone.
Recently posted cats and a photograph of my scoliotic spine by Joanne Leah.
I'm an alligator, I'm a mama-papa coming for you I'm the space invader, I'll be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you Keep your mouth shut, you're squawking like a pink monkey bird And I'm busting up my brains for the words Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah Don't fake it, baby, lay the real thing on me The church of man, love, is such a holy place to be Make me baby, make me know you really care Make me jump into the air Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe Put your ray gun to my head Press your space face close to mine, love Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah Freak out, far out, in out
Otis Redding – These Arms of Mine (Live at the Apollo Theater)
The Supremes – Stop! In The Name Of Love
Ken Tamplin Vocal Academy – God Gave Rock And Roll To You
Rasputina – Sweet Sister Temperance
Alexander’s Ragtime Band – Benny Goodman
The Beach Boys Wouldn’t It Be Nice
Eric Heitmann – Requiem
diedlonely in the bleak midwinter
diedlonely – fading
Antent – drowning
Loretta Lynn – Harper Valley P.T.A.
The Jesus Lizard – Monkey Trick
Martin Czerny – Endless Road of Grief
Peter Gundry – A Beautiful Delusion
Ben E. King – Stand By Me
insensible – ominous
Antent – this world is sick
Arthur Collins – The Suicide Blues (Recorded 1919)
Chelsea Wolfe – The Culling
Thee Lakesiders – Parachute
Eva Cassidy – Fields of Gold
The Sisters Of Mercy – Lucretia My Reflection
insensible, énouement – vertigo
o.i – inner shadows
Antent – Are We Dreaming?
daniel.mp3 – green to blue
PJ Harvey – Beautiful Feeling
Xori – warm nights slowed + reverb
2024
January 6th
A blue glow from the glass, sitting inside his car. Another post captioned “I need”. The lyrics are about regret, forgiveness, and hate, but here’s the part that has visual significance throughout 2023:
Disengaged you’re with me, against me but the only thing forever is hate I forget what i saw before and after that day I’d trade all I was worth to make myself into the handsomest gun and put the diamond bullet into your 404 ERROR face
He consistently put 404 ERROR over his face while emulating me on the previous page.
His photograph of my bedroom in Ocean Grove.
He’s covered the word “wickedness”, the pinkie tattoo and trinity knot are visible, the 2 and symbol for Purify is repeating and fading away, just two diamonds (imagined love?). The song croons about love, the caption reads “It’s right thru this door.”
(Of course the Purity symbol would be on the finger with the two!)
January 16th
Song title: “I Bleed for You”
Not a photographic reenactment, but a memory.
January 20th
I am my own hat, my knee is my head, Miss Kitka’s ear head is giant ear.
January 21st
Triangle of arm becomes hat.
Hearts leaping over Marilyn’s face.
January 22nd
Remembering. Recreating. Holding the trinity knot.
The song is Rain When I Die by Alice in Chains: Will she keep on the ground, trying to ground me? Slowly forgive my lie, lying to save me Could she love me again or will she hate me? Prob’ly not, I know why, can’t explain me
His caption reads: Much like my thoughts, this necklace gets tangled on the regular.
The MRI is the tree branch, the twig shapes, the owl patterns. Hair being cut is the texture of the feathers.
The pigtail shape from the canes in the background, the score ring is around her neck, her ringlets from the railing spokes, her eyes from my plummeting credit score.
January 27th
I couldn’t for the life of me figure this out, and then I realized I think this is stone, and he’s drawing on it in chalk? I’d been drawing comedians on the slate tables at the Comedy Cellar.
Photographs of the terrible state of my building while in a battle with my landlord. The exposed insulation on the ceiling looks like bats flying, so he drew bats roosting on branches that look of electric cable.
Lemmy is in the audience!
Bedridden days.
February 3rd
Holding the trinity knot against his shielded eyes.
2007 me vs 2021 me.
Fox Fest family mashup
February 5th
Mr. Freeze from my Batman themed nativity scene becomes merged with some random Virgil Finlay art I’d downloaded.
February 6th
Remembering. Captioned “Desperately Needing” next to his coffee mug, echoing the [WILL RETURN SOON] lettering on the original.
The pillow is there to mimic the double Stefan face in the original image. He’s even flattened his hair curl to concave to match the dark line of the pillow seam. Brilliant bastard.
February 10th
February 13th
A night at my Aunt’s garage.
Remembering, Recreating.
Marilyn’s head on his chest. Not a photo-recreation, but a memory. The song is Cosmos. We watched the full run of the original Cosmos together. Television time in pajamas in bed was our soft snuggly place.
Valentine’s Day
Dead exboyfriend and his best friend becomes us.
He sees himself as a monster. That’s why these images are revisted so often, especially on days like Valentine’s Day.
Or there’s just the general heartbreaking song posts.
Remembering. Recreating.
WHY DIDN’T YOU WRITE BACK?!
His self portrait during our split originally captioned: “This is a reasonable photographic facsimile of what it feels like to be me.” Now he recreates it in a gritty photograph.
The song is “Lucretia My Reflection”.
February 15th
Remembering.
Lyrical reference to our early days when he and I snuck into a Christian rock concert in Ocean Grove.
February 17th
Remembering, recreating.
Remembering. Recreating.
February 20th
Hello pinkie tattoo.
Remembering. Recreating.
A light for a moth.
February 21st
His new facebook profile picture:
Or… you could have called me on the fucking phone you beautiful man.
Needs.
Photos from my bed-ridden days.
Recreating. Remembering.
February 25th
Eyes closed. Remembering.
This photo he took one of his first times crashing with me. He thought the singles in the foreground was very funny. Now remembering, money in his hand, the trinity knot and chain is half transparent, faded away, listening to Mazzy Star’s Fade Into Dust.
February 27th
Remembering. Recreating.
Reasons indeed.
February 29th
Remembering. Recreating. From our painful year, a photograph from Stefan visiting me at my Aunt’s and taking us out to a diner.
I had captioned it with:
I prefer the neuropathic stings and stabs, the searing arthritic joints, the cramping and knotting of muscle, the gut wrenching of kidney stones, and the anguish of my twisted spine. Yes, I prefer all of those at their very worst, striking me in unison; would eagerly accept that crippling chorus of fleshy pain and bear it willingly, if it could lessen the agony I currently feel, the agony that dwarfs all else I’ve ever known.
Watching my everything as it slides away into blackness.
Egad, we’re dramatic.
March 3/4
A sad selfie when we were splitting. Hello trinity knot chain mimicking my hair.
Remembering. Recreating.
Wishing.
March 8th
Maybe? My profile picture on myspace when we first met, right below this polaroid of Ocean Grove. One of my first presents to him was a polaroid of Ocean Grove.
March 10th
The same color background, his shirt inspires the design curls on the skin and the shape of the horns.
Three days apart
March 12th
One of his brothers. This is one of the only drawings in his entire instagram that isn’t me related.
March 13th
I’d drawn this years ago representing he and I, with the seam of the book between us.
March 15th
In response to my radio show playing a lot of WWII content juxtaposed with modern Palestine news.
Recreating. Everything green for a reason. Trinity knot easily seen.
Recreating. Again using the lines of shadow to replicate his bloodied face.
March 16th
Living in Queens in 2004
We saw The Jesus Lizard play in Chicago.
March 18th
Reposted. Three days apart
March 19/30th
Testing out my new point n click camera, Stefan’s hand looks like a claw, the negative space of house between head and shoulder makes the error square.
Remembering. Reenacting.
Eyes closed. Remembering.
A dot of red.
Eyes closed. Remembering. Reenacting. Red for a reason.
Basement photo shoot. Recreated.
One of the first thngs I ever drew for Stefan based on a weird dream he wrote about on Myspace about transforming into a beautiful woman with sharp-tipped wings who would soar above the smokestacks of the polluted city below. He is touching where my hand would be. He plays it to a song from the album I was listening to for my first kiss. (A story I explained in one of my first radio shows.)
That song is from the soundtrack to Dracula, and I’d posted this image. Clever boy. Clever use of those red bands with Marilyn.
Recreating. Remembering.
Demonic glyphs for the cupcakes.
Recreating. Remembering.
March 31st
Desperately wishing to be seen and heard and befriended.
The song is Boadicea. Boadicea was a British warrior queen who took her own life with poison. I drew this in 2010 representing he and I. He is his own demon. Hand in hand.
I’m not there. I’m sorry. I should have been there.
Again, the song is Boadicea. Everything is blurred but for the neck glyph and his hair point.
I suspect this is thinking about H and needles and desperately wishing I/someone was there to help.
In the hospital, getting a spinal tap. He makes my hair with his hood, adds a straight line of black for the proper angle. When I was still in Ocean Grove, he looked after me when the spinal tap didn’t heal right and I had to stay flat as much as possible.
Remembering. Recreating. A drive to the Passaic River.
the cuts are getting deep.
The shadow over the white and red in the background, his gloved hands over the white and red in the foreground mimics the shadows across my lipsticked face in the double photo below.
April 4th
his black fingerless glove making the speech bubble shape, and with something yellow and green in the background. a stripe of shadow for my eyepatch.
He can’t tell me. He’s struck silent.
April 6th
What happens when you try photographing boots for eBay with Stefan.
April 14th
Remembering. Reenacting. Stefan’s photo from the drive home from Chicago, being me in the passenger’s seat. The hoodie string as a tendril of my hair.
It is telling that during the Chicago trip and the ride home, I was often on the edge or cut out of frame of Stefan’s photos. A sign of what was coming.
A fox ring on my finger inspires a fox wrapped around a tree, but why draw it next to 50 years? Is he saying… oh fuck. Crying again.
April 15th
Photos from Queens 2004
April 17th
The pool hall ceiling lamps make the mountains, half naked me makes the babe. The silly school-girl costume pose, the accidental elf ears from his hair, the color of the TV glow, bugs bunny shirt, and devil sticker make the centaur.
The hoodie and the green tea jug to replicate the shapes of shadow and light.
April 19th
oh you beautiful boy, you break my heart.
I wish you knew.
April 21st
The song is Melody of Memories.
April 27th
A mashup of the garage at my Aunt’s and 2004’s garage and other life.
April 28th
The background inspires the horns and ear and rope through composition.
May 1st
Remembering. Recreating.
Lyrical reference to that time we were outside smoking and I had fainted and had a seizure and he caught me in his arms and brought me inside.
Remembering. Recreating. Haunted hayride.
this hurts to look at.
The hose makes the antennae, the styrofoam the pattern on it’s back, the mirror the snail eyes with a line of white, the hearts match the color on my cheeks.
we would have been so glorious
May 7th
“A sign of good fortune, the Ace of Diamonds is a very exciting card to pull. It represents your wants and wishes coming true on the earthly plane. A new opportunity may be coming your way”
May 8th
May 9th
Borrowing the texture from the curtains for the face wrinkles.
May 13/14
He’s going to the very beginning of my flickr often at this point. Modeling after my old kitten photos from 2003?!?! He did all three.
The pointy tail, even.
“This is Ozzie the night I brought him home after surgery. I called the vet, alarmed at his breathing, practically panting, but with a closed mouth. It turns out that Ozzie was just SO FUCKING HIGH on opiates that the intensity of his purring was making him breathe heavy. 😸🥴”
May 15-17
Stefan Selfies. Feeling the fool with his brother.
The jaw shortening of the scarf and the rarity of a smiling Stefan.
I don’t have a copy of this image and forgot it existed. It was lost to the hard-drive theft of 2009, but evidently Stefan had a print out of it, which I received after his death.
Ocean Grove / Asbury Park canal.
The clouds part and make a path towards the bottom left of his photo.
Your mind amazes me.
May 22/24
About to take photobooth photos. The blur of the hands. The line of booth hitting his brow.
The bench and pillow where I would be, Marilyn clearly present, his mouth being weird.
Remembering. Recreating.
Blue door for water. The song is Milk Cassette X by analog_mannequin. When we took this photo, it was because there were renters in the main house and so we had only access to a bathtub. He called me into the bathroom because the water looked like milk and he thought it would photograph well.
I post a rant while feeding my cats about the psychopathy of nations. He posts himself with red tones in an American flag with TOOL singing about the joy of armageddon.
My post from April 7th. He matches the many colors of my outfit to a plant, which suits my song from Little Shop of Horrors.
May 27/31
Recreating. Remembering.
The wall in the background is the same color and he frames the square in the background as visual reminder of the mirror. Marilyn well lit and in focus in the foreground.
A kiss.
I’d posted this illustration online to showcase one of my all-time favorite comic book panels. It’s the long awaited first kiss between two characters in the graphic novel Berlin.
I love that it gives them modest privacy. It makes the moment truly intimate.
In his photo, the trinity knot is clearly there. Stefan looks to be stepping up. If you slid the comic panel to the diagonal of where his photograph is obscured, it would line up.
Stefan and I, we were very shy with each other. It sounds ridiculous, being that he and I were so often in front of a camera, so often naked, so often sexual in our art. And yet, we had never before kissed without already being in our pajamas and in bed, like shy gay teenagers at a sleepover. Only when we’d tired of watching nature documentaries or Columbo or Inland Empire or whathaveyou and finally lay with limbs entwined, hiding from the dawn and pretending to wait for sleep to descend did we cautiously approach each other. But living with my Aunt, and times turbulent between us, we’d not spent a night together in many months. And as he was about to walk out the front door of my Aunt’s house one night…
“Wait, c’mere...”
I led him to the hallway stairs, stood up on one step (because I’m eight inches shorter than he), and pulled him near.
“Here.”
With a subtle hint of panic: “What are you doing?”
My shoulders square. “I’m going to kiss you. Standing up.”
He was visibly frightened. So was I.
It was a truly significant kiss.
It was a romantic kiss.
It was our
very
last
kiss.
Recreating. Remembering.
He took this one of me as well, tweaked it to hard contrast, and digitally added an extra hair swirl. So, that is what he did to himself in this selfie, even though his hair does that naturally. You obscure maniac.
June 5th
June 7th / 8th
Three weeks before the wedding.
The fellow who essentially banned me from Stefan’s house; instrumental in our end.
First times hanging out, when we pretended to raid the black truffles, he posts dark plants and a shirt about plants, with his gripping hand.
We were so afraid of each other.
June 19th
Replicating the phone shape and color.
Eyes mostly shut and the hint of a white rectangular border around him, his shirt matching the book behind the polaroid.
June 25th
Me on my roof explaining how I want to escape the city.
Five days apart
The Y shape of the helmet strap replicated in the zombie face, a hat for my bike helmet, and an anchor on it because I’m showing the water.
Me trying to dress in stars and stripes for the 4th of July years ago. He wears stars and places a border or either side.
June 27th
Two days before the wedding.
Remembering. Reenacting.
Outside, blownout, and blurry seemed a strange choice, but it now makes sense given the color and quality of the original he’s riffing on from 2007. He’s watching me move, as the lyrics suggest.
Sometimes I can see for miles Through water and fire From England to America I feel life meet my eyes And it's the best thing It's the best thing The best thing Such a beautiful feeling A smile from San Diego He's still a boy Two ends to every rainbow And a train from Mexico And he's the best thing He is the best thing The best thing Such a beautiful feeling Like when I watch you move And I can't think straight And I am silenced And I can't think straight And it's the best thing It's the best thing The best thing Such a beautiful feeling
PJ Harvey – Beautiful Feeling
June 28th
After midnight the night before the wedding.
“Holding up in Brooklyn tonight“
A track he uses often on his reels, but now it’s sped up. Momentum. Excitement.
During the wedding:
Again, a polaroid of Ocean Grove/Asbury Park was one of my first gifts to him. He’s making the New York City colors match our early beginnings.
July 2nd
The unhinged part of me carries the broken parts. When the unhinged part is the Captain of the ship, …you know you have a healthy crew
I was saving photos of Snake Plissken to my phone to prepare for Halloween.
March
My nudity censoring becomes an arrow. Friend pointing at friend with red plaid shirt that becomes red buttons. I combine with the blue flag behind me for the face at the top.
WFMUSticky Friends Express?
I posted my crazy outfit and excitement about seeing Phil Tippett’s stop motion animation masterpiece Mad God. Stefan starts making animation.
His photo of us in Chicago.
April 10th
Photo taken at Lake Mohawk, hence the toilet?
October 28th
My stupid AI graphic for my radio show is abstractly emulated by his placement of tattoo equipment and dirty fingernails over a textured background of paper towel. (three weeks apart)
I tweaked this one to make the similarities a bit more evident.
November 3rd
Doing radio. One of my guest’s hands, one of mine.
November 11th
I post about Kevin Conroy’s death, he reposts this.
From here on out it’s mostly instagram reels (with songs) in manic sprees of new selfies or repostings of older drawings. I’ve stripped the video/music from posts that had music of ambient mood, or the same song repeatedly. Without the older drawing reposts, it’s going to look very selfie heavy.
Y’see, it’s not just the art that’s based on me. It’s everything.
Everything.
The moody selfies, the parade of sexy Stefan shots, those are also literally about me. I was not expecting that.
There’s an added visual language from here on. The tattoos and pendant are used as communication; prominent, obscured, faded, or hidden depending on context.
The necklace is a Celtic trinity knot meaning eternal love. (There is another pendant which I’ve not identified.)
The H looking symbol at the base of his neck is an alchemy symbol meaning “pulverize”, with (I believe) a dual meaning of “H for heroin” and a bent needle.
Marilyn is definitely me. She is used to visually represent me in photo recreations. That becomes quite evident.
The Four of Diamonds on the hands (represents the return of a friend), which can easily be transformed to a 3, 2, or 1 of Diamonds, which have different meanings, evidently.
The hindi words are empathy/compassion (the longer word) and wickedness/evil (the shorter). These are covered at different times strategically.
27 is his birthdate. It’s also his age when we split up.
The arrow with squiggle on his middle finger is known as a symbol of alchemy meaning “purify”. It’s on the same finger as the 2, so a pure union?
Less relevant: LXXXI at the base of his throat is 81 in roman numerals, his birth year. The Leviathan cross, the double cross with the infinity sign, was rebranded by Anton LeVey, meaning free will and self sufficiency essentially. The sideways J with a square is another alchemy symbol meaning “filter”.
November 21st
First appearance of the Marilyn and diamonds hand, shortly after I posted this Batman image. Marilyn embraced in arms.
Debating my Halloween plans. Stefan looks sad. Three weeks apart.
November 23rd
Red for the LED clock, the American flag pendant showing because i’m dressed like Snake Plissken from Escape From New York, my slight duck face pout inspiring his middle finger kiss.
December 3rd
I ask the world to tell me what to do on the radio.
I tell a story about getting in fights with people on the subway.
He wanted to come by a night he could crash with me, but when I made it clear it wasn’t an overnight invitation, it never happened. I didn’t trust myself to let him sleep over, at least not until I had the time to learn to trust him with my heart again. I was too afraid. Of course, fifteen years of artistic obsession and ink is the greatest way I can imagine to circumvent that process and make me immediately leap into his arms, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell me.
I would have married that boy.
I would have married him, and he would have married me.
If only I was brave enough to look.
If only he was brave enough to speak.
If only I wasn’t warned away every time I asked about him.
If only he knew I asked.
Christmas Eve
(My birthday)
Roses tattoo, Marilyn, and Santa. Me me me me.
2023
January 8th
I had just uploaded this picture of my spine as my fb banner image. His caption reads “Trying to make this warped piece of shit playable. Every instrument deserves a chance.”
January 9th
Four weeks apart. Seeing Human Impact play. He’s angled his shot so the doorknob is where the lightbulb is and the floor molding is at the same angle as the arm.
January 12th
I rant while feeding my cats in red lighting. Marilyn pets Sooki to a song about both love and hell.
January 17th
the Florida fetish show from years prior.
I’d posted the above image to my instagram with the caption: Reading a medical article, a doctor refers to “exquisite pain”. Wtf? Are cenobites doctors, now?!
February 4th
A week apart.
He puts white lettering over his face like the door signs; her face, lower than his making a similar face as the DISTURB placard.
The red light, the elements of purple, the black object in a box like my reflection framed in the mirror. He can turn anything into representing me. Mad genius.
February 5th
One week apart. I repost an old photo of my meeting Phil LaMarr on Broadway, Stefan posts a random video of aerobics referencing a MadTV sketch with Phil Lamarr about aerobics. You mad abstract motherfucker.
February 10th
Holding his hand to mimic the shape of the napkin, the lettering of the Balthazar logo compositionally in the same place, making the jar messy on his hand just like the napkin.
Three weeks apart.
The funeral of the exboyfriend. (for the record, taking reunion photos at the funeral was not my idea)
An aggressively sexual super gay film.
A week apart.
February 12th
Two weeks apart. I post amusing text with a color palette of pinks, blues, teals, yellow… so does he.
February 18th
The Satanic goat for the pentagram on the drawing.
February 19th
His tattoo in the ear and hair shape.
February 20th
Three weeks apart. Brilliant color matching as usual.
I rant about the shittiness of a volunteer production of Mozart’s requiem, he posts a child terribly singing a religious song with matching colors at the top right and bottom of the frame.
One month apart.
Ten days apart. More aerobics, matching my outfit.
Five days apart. Another abstract connection. He matches the teal of my outfit to the girl’s hair, her hand position to mine, the taupe of the ornate couch matching the paper bag, shiny tight pants like the guitarist.
“Can you hear my heartbeat?”
Gloria, don’t you think you’re fallin’? If everybody wants you, why isn’t anybody callin’? You don’t have to answer Leave them hangin’ on the line
My image from New Years Eve, two months apart.
February 22nd
One month apart.
I met Bruce McCullough, so Stefan references a Kids in the Hall sketch where he does a commercial for a plate-full of poo by playing a Firesign Theater sketch.
February 26th
Even planets he turns into us.
One month apart.
I hate how clever you are.
Two weeks apart.
I’m still so confused and bewildered as to why he never wrote back, not even when I invited him to Chiller. However, given the common lyrical themes throughout much of the music he was posting on his instagram reels, I wonder if he was struck silent, paralyzed in both hope and fear, waiting for me to figure it all out.
Well, fuck you, I figured it out.
I am both the baby and the mom.
February 26th
I post a scan of my brain’s vascular system…
Four weeks apart.
Two steaks. And somehow still manages to get in some Taylor Dayne lyrics about love.
The ornate mirror pattern informs the tattoos
I post about dying my hair… he posts about his hair. Every song is chosen with purpose. Same day.
And then he posts things that match my new hair and outfit and send a message. At the time, I figured he was fucking someone.
I post about the mundanity of my day’s plans, and so does he. Again, posted the same day.
My old setup in my Aunt’s garage, his paints.
His shirt matches my slippers. And he is smoking and scratching so Marilyn is repeatedly visible while he’s timed it so Depeche Mode sings “all I ever wanted all I ever needed is here in my arms” (or on his hand)
March 11
I record myself on a wooden table and post about my cat eating my Spider Plant which is hallucinogenic to felines. He sits at a wooden table and posts a small technicolor cat in the corner of his post. Same day.
I post my adorable cats March 13th, he posts his adorable dog March 18th (though to be fair, we both do so often)
March 24th
I post about mixing up my medications that start with M and playing a Joan Crawford radio play, he posts the next day with lipstick and poison vial to a Madonna song, the stripe covering his head matching my hair.
My radio show from three weeks prior. He plays Mozart’s requiem. The wiring on the wall becomes the nose.
March 24
Photos of me by Yvonne. Three days apart. He posts himself in similar positions, even blurring his face like mine.
My photos from January, when I saw a screening of Infinity Pool where the actors posed with a collar and leash. He posts a ball gag and collar two months later.
April 1st
He got that pink in there.
Recreating. He posts: “HAD THE FLU”
Marilyn is next to him, in the foreground so she’s the same size, like they are laying next to each other.
In the Ocean Grove days, I was already sick with the flu, and when Stefan felt himself succumbing, he raced down to be with me so we could be sickly together. I took care of him through the worst of it with cold washcloths. “I’m supposed to take care of YOU” he said, delirious from fever.
I show off my three screens of screensaver madness, he posts video weirdness. One day apart.
Remembering. Recreating.
The triangle shape of the bannister negative space for the head, the doorknob the moon.
April 4th
Remembering. Recreating. Down to the sparkle in the eye.
Remembering. Recreating.
The small bit of red over the left shoulder.
The bed pattern inspires the wings, the pages make the bench, the pom-pom is the moon.
Next to each other in the feed. Me trying to pry apart old electronics in my ridiculous blue sweater. The knots of the wood represented by the circles of stencil.
A sudden realization.
Stefan’s brother had written a short story about a man who loses his will to take part in life, stops leaving his apartment, and physically becomes a forest inside the walls of his home. The story got the attention of an indie director who wanted to turn it into a film, so the brother fleshed out the simple tale as a full script. He wrote the new supporting role with me in mind, and had me cast in the film. I was the plucky wacky chick, hanging out at an after-hours bar with my best friend; the sad agoraphobe slowly sinking into unbeing.
The story was Stefan.
Oh god, I can’t breathe.
The story was Stefan, back at his parent’s house, struggling, isolated, and hardly leaving his bedroom. How did I not see that?! The main character’s name was “Anton” for fuck’s sake.
While Stefan was turning figuratively into compost, I didn’t get involved. While Stefan was withering in want, I was pretend-banging on an apartment door, pretend-begging my pretend-best friend to let me pretend-help him. While Stefan was recreating us out of longing for me, I recreated us for creative ambition.
I’m so so sorry. I didn’t realize. I didn’t know.
April 8th
Remembering. Recreating. He places the wall behind him in the same place as the frame in the original photo.
Chicago. He and I went out on our own at night while the others slept.
a night in my Aunt’s garage.
Comic Book T-shirts
April 15th
Remembering. Recreating.
Using the lines of shadow to mimic the wooden slat pattern and his bloody face.
Two images I’d uploaded as part of a “fictional characters that equal you” equation.
His hand placement of the diamonds mimics the black breasts of Element Girl.
April 15th
His gripping hand.
And the cat matches my bruise.
I post myself in a B Horror movie with DJ Bill Zebub, he posts a satanic goat.
Posting with hives complaining about being sick and queasy.
My drawing of John Cameron Mitchell dictates the style of the drawing, puffy clouds from the pipe, black lips and white teeth from the night city.
April 21st
Remembering, recreating.
WHY DIDN’T YOU COME FIND ME?!?!
We saw Rasputina together. He plays a lot of Rasputina.
One month apart. His song choice is what makes it.
Sympathy, tenderness Warm as the summer Offer me their embrace Friendliness, gentleness Strangers to my life They are there in his face Goodness, and sweetness, and kindness abound in this place I am in love with The things that I see in his face It’s a memory I know time Will never erase
The song lyrics talk about loving someone’s face. Behind me is a calendar with a radio, referenced by the caption at the very bottom of his reel: “COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY”
He’s placed the dummy in a different spot so the background is half white wall and half ocher, like mine. One month apart.
April 22nd
My image is from April 3rd. The green and the grin ties in the song choice “Alligator Girl” who is also an electric guitar. You cryptic cryptid maniac.
Fuck, I’m crying.
He combines two recent selfies, the latter of which is captioned “Miss Kitka knows when I’m feeling like shit” so he chooses an appropriate Rasputina song. Miss Kitka’s leg with it’s black spot inspires the long mouth shape. Three weeks apart.
That time I tried to take a cute photo of me and my cat but I had to split it in two because of the aspect ratio and because I found it hilarious that the angle made my boobs look insanely massive. My cat makes the diagonal black, the yellow wall my yellow pillow, the pink pillow is CENSORED, my pink hair twice the hot pink slashes.
April 26th
A video I made a month prior combined with an old phone pic from 2009.
His hand awkwardly placed to make a triangle shape of red to represent the red V of space in the upper left corner, the mug handle as the red circle on the ceiling, the bend of his foot and the colorful pattern of the sock mimicking the pattern of lights down the escalator.
Horses and roses. Horses on his socks, rose poking out, the woman with a rose and the hand position mimicked.
An insane record I found at the WFMU record library. The pink bandaid for the pink background, the pointing hand for my additional closeup shot of his manicure, the shadow lines to emulate the stacks of records behind, leopard print hearts for my leopard print tights, the song choice appropriate.
Color coordinating his post to my recent one.
April 27th
April 29th
Petting cats in a Sandman shirt. Marilyn pets the dog to an appropriate song.
June 3rd
photograph of me taken by my friend in highschool.
He’s playing Soundgarden, but also playing…my radio show?
On line waiting for my vaccine.
I figured he was really into the art of bondage these days?
Remembering.
The song is “In the Forest”. His caption reads: “I’m all sorts of stupid”. He crops the image with dark grey where his hat would start. One of our last collaboration days.
The palm tree makes it.
Intentionally blurry and making the neck tattoo just two lines to match my vampire bite makrs.
The painting behind me inspires the back spikes
Just a random early phone pic I sent him.
Again, the headboard makes wings, the braid remains.
A “Weeping Blue” tree that matches the shape of the book cover squiggle with colors that match the title font?! I can’t…. you mad wonderful brain.
The lightbulb turns him into an angler fish.
Remembering. Recreating.
Again, Marilyn as me.
The rest of the ones from this day are riffing on a span around 2019 from my instagram.
I take a photo in the bathroom of my doctor’s office with my cane, he posts a photo from a bathroom with a diagonal dash of pink to match my hair, with a song about someone with a cane.
I had posted this image with the caption: “When your Uber driver doesn’t speak English, you improvise.” so he uses his finger tattoos and drumsticks as notes, the neck tattoo as my crosshatching of the radio speaker, the necklace and shirt collar to frame the radio…
You brilliant boy, I’m sobbing right now.
Marilyn is me next to a big red head.
Prof Dum Dum = smerts, Me and my friend Nick become Marilyn and a glitch creature, the stripes of my scarf borrowed for the exasperated kid representing one of my two cats looking tired of my shit.
Blue lettering to match the chip.
Electricity. It’s sexy.
Someone was shot right outside my apartment.
Marilyn + dog = my hairy legs.
Ha ha, very funny.
Are you… fucking kidding…?! You meta monster. Socks on his Marilyn. Why are you so fabulous?
A song about the sun going down and being left alone.
Oh, you beautiful boy.
The statue of me at Newark Penn Station.
Your mind is spectacular.
F is for Fox on the brain, I believe.
The block of color representing the carpet.
I tried to straighten my spine in photoshop.
the song is Gothic Summer by Prayers.
June 4th
Her torso, my feet.
June 5th
Kansas’ Dust in the Wind.
June 7th
All of this day’s posts are referencing a span of Instagram from winter 2014 to spring 2015:
I post my brunch, he posts his.
“This month’s Vicodin“
The shape of red behind me becomes the glitch rectangle.
You brilliant abstract weirdo.
I love your mind.
A trip to the gyno. How does he manage to make this reference sweet and not lascivious at all?
"This body, this body holding me Be my reminder here that I am not alone in This body, this body holding me Feeling eternal, all this pain is an illusion"
June 8th
Stefan took this photo of me. It’s one of his favorites.
June 12th
Photo from a fetish art show. A bit abstract, but the chair back becomes the bracelet, the angle of the book matches the diagonal black line, the avocado for the bruising texture, the negative space inside the mug handle mimicking the triangle of space between the legs.
The music track is Song of Storms from the Legend of Zelda.
I captioned this with: “Today I wore colors. I love colors.” He’s duplicated my hand.
I didn’t get the star at first, but it’s a reference to Rainbow Brite. It’s that specific slightly swollen star shape. You obscure maniac.
June 15th
I captioned this with: “My new higher-dosed Lyrica is a very pretty creamy red color. I’d love to find a lipstick this shade.”
So his lips are blurred out. The red pills are the Superman logo. He shot this backwards to he could flip it with a backwards S, like Saturday’s upsidedown S. The remote on the wall is the bottle in the background. His song of choice is both Superman and lipstick related. Brilliant.
Remembering. Recreating.
The paper towels and the arm tattoo is what makes it.
June 16
at my mom’s house, all posted together.
And he uses red, white, and blue and a similar font as the book lettering. Something diagonal in the lower right corner to mimic the composition of the chair seat wood. S for Stefan. F for Fox. Sticky Friends.
June 17th
Two weeks apart. He makes it the same color, the tendrils emerging in curls like the curved lines from the radio.
Using his ankle and arm tattoos to represent the music note, cutting the foot off where the horizon line hits on the pin design, the static for radio, connection for streaming. He added texture around him similar to the material behind the pins.
Remembering. Recreating.
The blown out white shape of the door emulates the fake building on the wall behind me.
June 19th
Stefan took that photograph of me when we first hung out. These images were next to each other in my instagram.
June 22nd
He’s sitting on a tree stump because of the wooden drawer randomly on the hallway floor.
his caption reads: “Glistening lids” His finger tattoo creates a hovering tear.
My images were stacked like that in the instagram feed.
He even left the line of shadow on the door as a clue.
Leaf pixie origin.
What clinches it is the line behind the shoulder.
June 23rd
June 24th
Outtakes for his website.
On the ground, draped in black, his things on paper in the foreground, a strange black shadow on the right.
Plants from the kid dress, the bedframe helps dictate the angle of the vines.
June 25th
This hand and face.
(not real, FYI. a sleazy shoot for fun.)
June 26th
June 30th
I love that he turned this sleazy shot we did into the most romantic looking kiss, and kept the fushia.
Both are bathroom shots. My blonde roots and black hair are similar to the stripey shower curtain.
July 6th
Did you know Greensleeves has lyrics? It does. Now I’m sobbing again.
August 15th
The torn garbage bag makes the witch hat, the wound fence wire makes the pumpkin vines.
August 15th
Middle fingers mimicking the cloth on the wall. Lettering to mimic the Noel pillow on my wall.
The trinity knot is there but fading, the hand tattoos obscured, the chest tattoo hidden. Blue and pink neon, red kiss for the red of the diner mat.
August 16
August 19th
August 19th
His squatting position and arm for the monster… his standing for the girl.
his brown hair for hers.
the front of the bike as the bone gun
The red light on his face for the scan.
August 26th
The streaks of light dictate the heavy marker style. Clever.
Scanning in memory stuff for dead exboyfriend while watching Twin Peaks.
that bird.
my bald head and hands
her eyes
his teeth
this hand, that tongue
The purple and the shadows and the balloons from here:
The blue, red, yellow, and alligator pose from here:
The green from here:
Recreating. F for Fox in his heart? The degree circles cover the ring tattoo. He even tweaked the colors to make his shoulders yellow to match the shirt better.
August 28th
Some Molly Crabapple drawing vs Stefan’s superior drafting skills.
August 31st
You fucking mad brilliant motherfucker.
It’s a clown fish of course. One of Stefan’s photos of me one of our first times hanging out, and one of the few (unidentifiable) photographs he kept of me on his flickr.
September 8th
September 9th
A recent instagram post of mine, and an old favorite photograph I’d scanned in.
September 15th
Remembering. Recreating.
September 22nd
Remembering. Recreating.
His face cropped where it would touch me.
September 24th
Posting images on instagram for my radio show.
September 30th
October 5th-11th
This looks… sexual?
Her tattoo becomes a T-shirt design.
Grainy and gritty hands in the same positions.
For some reason, in 2008 Stefan turned me into a cat with this photograph. His photo is deceptively demonic, but the tail changes it to cat.
Remembering. Recreating.
Red leaves for the red floral pattern of my dress.
He’s the taller one, so he’s wearing the crown of thorns while I’m the dorky duck.
October 16th
no song is by chance.
My accidental ghostly skull face is combined with him.
Originally titled ANDROID STEF, his self portrait on the left was taken shortly after we split, part of one of the few shoots he tried without me. Pinky tattoo clearly visible.
He looks so sad.
Now, he’s blue again, covering up his arms, covering Marilyn’s eyes, don’t look. “I’m not so delicate with myself” reads the caption.
I’m so sorry, love.
Bedridden days. They’d had me on morphine pills at the time.
October 23rd
October 24th
October 26th
You clever bastard.
October 27-28
A selfie and some photos I took on my way to a family reuinion, so he chooses the song “Bad Seed”. The tone and diagonals are mimicked, and then the photograph right above with trees and clouds that look like bats in flight, and then another shot of sky that looks of fire.
My self portrait while we were splitting. His captioned: “you should leave”
The silly phone pics I’d send him whenever he left Ocean Grove.
October 29th
I’d gone to see Phantom of the Opera at the local movie palace.
The color of my shirt for the face and the color of the wall for the eyes.
Soundtrack to Night of the Living Dead. He had me watch it for the very first time.
Marilyn’s caption reads: Who’s going to protect me?
October 31st
My skullhead cane, I assume?
November 10th
The pendant poking out.
November 14th
I’m fairly certain this is from a photograph of him showing his back scratches but I can’t for the life of me find it.
November 19th
From a distance it looks like he’s smoking a cigarette, but he is holding a branch across his face. The tree reflection follows the line of the mic, his arms the same angles as the two arms in the photo, his own reflection becomes a second person.
November 25th
He really likes this picture. He took it, I tweaked it.
November 27th
Me dressed up as Blake’s 7 villain Servalen becomes a bat named Mabyn.
December 1st
He’d blurred out and tweaked the original. He becomes both of us in his new version.
December 3rd
December 5th
Stefan took these photographs of me.
Remembering. Recreating.
Our Christmas photos from 2008. He’s wearing a bow, Marilyn is photographed right beside paper on the ground.
December 8th
REmembering. Recreating. Another labeled “Needs”.
The light looks green, but it was in reality blue.
I post a panning video of my shitty landlord’s attempt to remove mold, followed by photographs of my cat’s belly and back legs now covered in hives. He posts a panning video of his dogs belly and back legs.
January 6th
Being a punk for Halloween. The star on my cheek appears on the robot, my friends become the other girls.
I’m classy.
January 28th
At this point he must know my entire cadre of images so well, he would know where to find what face of mine to add to what body.
February
Images from the beginning of 2008. I used to send him a silly phone pic every time he left Ocean Grove.
The stars, the Canon Elf inspires the extra long nose.
My dippy hairdo replicated, an ear made of meat, etc.
March 3rd
Feathers make for a feather duster.
September 21st
He must have forgotten to log in?
October 9th
The headband from the cats’ pillow, hair from naked me and old me, face combined from then and nowish.
He often uses this dark hair / red lips image of me to combine with newer versions of me. Our happiest time, I think.
November 25th
Outtakes from our last months.
The pink highlight coloring the power plug, the background color dictating the TV background and rug colors, the old TV mimicked.
The post-Stefan boyfriend and I broke up, and here I am telling Stefan that I think he’d painted me in his works. sheesh.
I’m a goddamn blind fool.
December 27th
December 31st
2021
January
When I was sad living at my Aunt’s, Stefan would cheer me up with deadpan ridiculousness.
January 8th
January 11th
That weird forehead ridge and using the pattern of spots on the Christmas tree for blood splatter.
He tagged this one with “SpaceGirl”
Baby cousin’s face, baby uncle’s body, meter on the arm, planets from light spots, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s hand.
November 25th
I actually caught him with this one. I noticed his drawing was just like this photograph, which I knew was not public. I don’t remember how it resolved. I didn’t notice/realize that the monster head was made out of bird feed and eyes.
Even a generic tree background is identifiably one of my photographs of Ocean Grove.
March 7th
Shortly after I posted a throwback to my second lung collapse scar, he posts his old wound photos.
The private view of my flickr auto-uploading progress pics from my phone
His hand for me.
Our initials behind him. Both of us capturing each other’s scared soft inner tiny squishiness.
volunteering at the WFMU marathon
March 28th
Googly eyes at the WFMU radio station, and Stefan’s adorable aliens.
just fucking kill me.
May 4th
I’d photographed this injured flying squirrel Stefan had been feeding before it died, paired with a hawk he’d recently found.
The sausage, bent and unbent fingers, and drawings inspire the creatures, the statue and table umbrellas make the flying dude.
You clever adorable man.
the innocence is killing me.
Hunting through family photos muttering “why a lion?”
My flickr stopped auto uploading my phone content and I’d hardly been photographing, so he’s getting more and more obscure with the archival reference at this point.
June 14th
This one is odd. DJ Stan, his three fingered grip on my shoulder, his smoke shop shirt, with hair and nose tendrils of smoke, the demon for Prof Dum Dum’s blasphemous metal show made of spiral telephone cord.
June 18th
Just a few weeks apart
A cosplayer? The profile does not exist.
My pillow makes an accidental elf ear, the yellow pillow in the background inspires the headband pattern.
Our first two times hanging out.
Wavy lines for urinal stinkiness?
all next to each other in my Flickr
Wedding guests at different angles combine for the portrait, her hat, and her reflection. The red dress inspires the hat, my photo from Seattle inspires the mirror.
Gary Busey and Tony Clifton combined!
Stefan’s self portrait after one of the first times he crashed with me.
