January 3rd
December 30th, four days prior, I repost this photo to [tumblr] which he combines with the art he’s been riffing off of.
A question mark on a large black shape, and a pointing finger. His lettering matches the pink of “Doctor Who”. [tumblr]
January 7th
September 2010. Vermont wedding. [flickr]
The foliage in the background becomes clouds, two hook earings in the man’s lapel inspires the caught fish. [tumblr]
January 13th
September 2010. Vermont wedding. [flickr]
The bottom of the earlobe in the foreground becomes a nubbin of ear in the drawing, the hair in the background and foreground becomes waves. [tumblr]
September 2010. Vermont wedding. [flickr]
[tumblr]
[tumblr]
January 19th
[tumblr]
The little girl’s hand on her tutu is repurposed, the tutu ruffles inspire the clown collar, the same tree in the distance is used, the pose from the woman on a log, the log inspiring the wooden bench.
A pigeon because of the triangular shape in the grass behind the woman next to her arm. He used this 2005 photo of mine as reference:
January 25 / 27
My self portraits from 2006/2007; before we met. [flickr]
The lights on my head inspire the curlers to one side, the dirty mirror making clown makeup eyes, the crinoline skirt inspiring the ruffle collar. [tumblr]
And him. Photos I took of him in 2009. Us as a pair of clowns.
His cigar at the same angle as my cigarette, his lips echoing the pattern of my socks. [tumblr]
He was drawing these as we were splitting. I knew he drew himself as a clown. It didn’t occur to me until now that I was the other clown.
January 26th
January 12th/15th I post the following to [tumblr] stacked like so
Which brings him back to my wonky eyes, right below it in the [flickr] gallery these two self portraits. He combines the composition.
My eyes and eyebrows become the owl, the two images of me right below the eyes in the feed become children with similarly cinched dresses, but from behind like the photo of my naked back. The composition of framing trees from the doorway molding, the shower curtain rod makes the tree on the right. The round edges of my photograph inspire the round bottom of the owl. [tumblr]
The line of my underwear on my hips becomes a line on one of the skirts.
February 1st
That previous Christmas, I repost this image from 2006 [tumblr]
which leads him back to this woman from November 2009. Work for hire.
He combines them. [tumblr]
The Canada/America pin becomes a french poodle.
February 17th
Three months prior. Getting my tonsils removed with laser. [tumblr]
The shine on my uvula becomes a shrimp, my mouth becomes a fish. [tumblr]
The fish theme brings him back to this photo he took of me in our first few weeks.
The green of the fish eye repeated.
February 23rd
That previous Christmas, I repost this image from 2005 [tumblr]
which leads him to other images from my living in Brooklyn in 2005. [flickr]
He combines my pets [tumblr]
Dog and cat are combined to make a french bulldog, dog on the stoop becomes a bulldog.
February 24th
I ask Stefan to see a counselor with me to close the gaps of my understanding so I can move on from him and my heartbreak. He responds, not unkindly.
March 1st
September 2010. Vermont wedding. [flickr]
The blurred lights of the background inspires the polkadot pattern and tiny clown heads. [tumblr]
March 6th-14th
He can’t stop drawing my life. I can’t stop trying to be part of his life.
I’m apartment hunting. I ask if he’d want to be roommates. When I ask him to address my remaining issues to restore our trust, when I extol the cultural superiority of New York city to NJ, when I mention the new people in the life I’m rebuilding, he defensively throws my past at me, accuses me of lying.
March 8th
The photo reposted [tumblr] in January
leads him back to this photo of my Mom’s side of my family. [flickr]
The designs from his Dubai hat inform the clown makeup, the blurred trees as ruffle pattern. [tumblr]
This one I noticed and he confirmed he used my grandfather as reference.
March 16th
December 30th I post a photo of myself with Phil LaMarr after seeing Pee Wee’s Playhouse on Broadway [tumblr]
which leads Stefan back to this photo from the September Vermont wedding
and other photos from the Vermont wedding. [flickr]
The pouty child portrait leads him back to Fox Fest 2007.
Kids combined, textured borrowed. [tumblr]
April 8th
One month prior, I repost this video [tumblr]
which leads Stefan back to these mohawk photos from May / July 2010
He combines the hair and faces. [tumblr]
April 14th
I write to Stefan.
…the idea that you might actually read this… you, the person I can’t trust, but at the same time, still trust more than any other human on earth… somehow, that helps.
Because sometimes… I still think of you when I’m lonely, and sometimes I still don’t feel so alone. Sometimes, I think WE is still there, underneath it all.
I so desperately wish for a new beginning between us. An Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Things are almost ok. I think. sort of. So why do I still have this aching knot in my chest and still… I want to sob. Or punch. Or bleed.
Or call you.
I suppose my life will slowly edge away from yours, until you aren’t the person I have dipped in amber in my head anymore. Maybe that’s when it’ll stop.
…
Full email here.
April 15th
Two days prior, I post this gif. [tumblr] I’d gone to Stefan’s art opening at a bar in Hoboken. I’d gotten there too late and missed him, but I took a photo in the bathroom because it reminded me of Twin Peaks.
This leads Stefan back to this photo I’d posted in December, one of the photos I’d taken for a David Lynch themed movie poster, and then digitally tweaked. [tumblr]
At his art opening, Stefan had shown this completed painting. I had texted him praise for his collection, particularly for this painting. It’s really excellent.
His painting and my hands over my face brings him back to the photos I took of him in 2009, which he’d used as reference for that painting.
and therefore to this self portrait of mine from 2008.
So he paints a mashup of us. He combines our noses, our eyes with my bare arms and shoulders. The background color matches my unflattering self portrait. [tumblr]
April 23rd
Fox Fest 2007 and my childhood.
[tumblr]
May 4th
One week prior, I attend a lecture [tumblr]
The colors of the photo, men in suits, and bald heads leads him back to November 2009.
Work for hire.
He combines faces. [tumblr]
The purple of his lettering comes from the crappiness of digital photography
May 6th
Posted two weeks prior, the cast of Doctor Who. [tumblr] The shitty graininess of the photo and the woman’s face
brings Stefan back to this early graphic he’d made for our collaborations.
He duplicates the cracks in the wall. [tumblr]
May 12th
Another early image he’d directed and tweaked.
The medicine cabinet and art become the windows, the tile floor remains. [tumblr]
May 16th
Spring 2011. Chiller Theatre horror convention. [flickr] My friend and I got photos with these actresses (one was in Killer Klowns from Outerspace).
Two days prior, May 14th, I repost this [fb] photo of me and the guy I was dating in 2004ish
Stefan combines them, gives him a beating. Adds crossbones to go with the skull T-shirt. [wayback]
He often gave explanations as to why he was drawing what he was. It wasn’t true.
May 22nd
April 1st, I post this 90’s photograph to facebook with the same guy with whom I attended Chiller above.
December 9th I repost this to my tumblr.
[wayback]
One week prior, I repost this photo of Mutual Friend [fb]
Which leads him back to Christmas Eve 2008.
Stefan’s cookie hand brings him back to this photo of him with his same hand position, the one of me from the same night.
He combines us all. His blurred face with a strangely shortened top lip, his nose and mine combined, my ponytail, his ear combined with his brother’s. [wayback]
The same dark line in the ear, the same shape of hair, the same purple tones.
May 24th
He combines our faces, the eye color from the blue bathroom background. [wayback]
I’ve tried to digitally fix the perspective.
June 2nd
The hair color is grabbed from her chocolate mouth, the shirt color from the flowers. [wayback]
June 4th
April 15th, I post photos from a Transmetropolitan themed figure drawing session with Jiz Lee [flickr]
April 16th I repost my old Halloween photos [fb] dressed up like Spike the vampire [fb]
June 4th Stefan posts a selfie. [tumblr] The green tint of his photograph matches the background of my Spike photo.
“…I haven’t taken a picture of myself since I decided to after a five year old cried “Mommy Vampire!”, in public upon seeing me. I mean, I’m not exactly an extreme looking character these days, but I give off that “vibe”. Ugh…kill me. So, I left the house while still light out and I got the vampire thing twice in a few hours…”
Then he posts this drawing [tumblr]
It’s Jiz Lee’s nose. He copied the red and green of the sunglasses, and used the pattern of the “tattoos” on her chest in his hair.
June 7th
I ask for advice about my Disability hearing and Stefan provides guidance.
June 8th
Fox Fest 2010. [flickr]
faces combined, the pale green from the far left. [wayback]
June 9th
Tony Clifton performing at Chiller. [flickr] Uploaded two weeks prior.
This one is really quite brilliant. Using the pattern and color of the shirt for the fish, his hand for the tail, and posting him twice because it’s Tony Clifton.
He captioned it with: “I’m only drawing for clients tonight. So… here’s one of those drawings. It’s just concept art… not a polished product. Settle down.” [wayback]
He always had explanations for his drawings. It never occurred to me he was making it up.
June 15th
Fox Fest 2010. [flickr]
Faces combined, shirt wrinkles used as vein pattern, the grate of the microwave mimicked with the marker background. [wayback]
date?
Fox Fest 2010. [flickr]
[tumblr]
July 3rd
I repeat myself, asking if we can start again between us, now in our new locations, new lives.
We start texting and phone calling every other day again.
July 8th
Photo for hire. November 2009.
He combines them, his eyes matching his shirt. [tumblr]
July 18th
April 18th. Next to each other.
Stefancombines them. The toy becomes a plasticy teal pompadour with the stripes of Mutual Friend. [tumblr]
His hair wisps inspire the temple vein, white shirt stripe makes for nose smoke tendril.
The hands of the toy box become the hands of the demon.
July 24th
April 26th, I repost this Easter photo [tumblr] He combines it with toddler me. [flickr]
[tumblr]
My patent leather shoes become shiny hooves.
July 27th
Chiller. Spring 2011. [flickr]
[tumblr]
August 11th
June 30th, I post these [tumblr] next to each other [tumblr]
My vaginal looking chest cavity inspires phallic vascular creatures. [tumblr]
This color palette.
The drips of paint inspire the long necks, my opened ribs make for the curved lines of his tails, my open unconnected linework makes for feet.
August 16th
Photo for hire. November 2009.
[tumblr]
August 31st
[tumblr]
“I shouldn’t still be awake. but I had a three and a half hour long conversation with Stefan. Nothing… too heavy or anything. But gosh. I do so love to talk to him.
That’s the thing. He, more than anyone else ever, makes me feel like the way I see the world isn’t JUST ME. He sees it too.”
September 1st
My comic about Stefan visiting me shortly after I moved back to Brooklyn.
September 4th
email from me
Y’know….
I was asking about what you thought of my comic, not just based on my drawing skills, but… y’know… the actual content.
I did render you as the one person who sees things as I do and makes feel not alone in my head, you do realise.
Guess that didn’t have as much effect on you as my linework and it looking properly drawn?
Sheesh.
September 5th
Stefan told me this: He had been outside smoking a cigarette in the middle of the night when a car driving by erratically saw him and stopped, the man driving emerged in a panic, a newborn mid seizure in his arms and desperate for help, handing Stefan the baby. In Stefan’s hands, the baby stopped seizing and went completely limp. He lied when he handed the child back and told the family to continue on their way to the hospital. [tumblr]
September 16th
One month prior. Kim Boekbinder being interviewed for CNN [flickr]
Brings Stefan back to this shot, his pose similar, the wall of bright colors.
and others taken this night in 2009 during an impromptu photoshoot in Asbury Park for Stefan’s website.
[tumblr]
Stefan and his hat with lights down his back make the alligator, the green doors create the alligator snout, the colors for the balloons taken from color behind Kim.
September 22nd
Fox Fest 2007. [flickr]
The boy’s collar shirt poking out becomes a bowtie. [tumblr]
Now a boy version of the sticky note face kid.
Sticky Friends.
September 29th
Fox Fest 2010. [flickr]
My Aunt and stepmother become a cute monster scene. [tumblr]
The pink lettering matches the Fox Fest shirt design.
October 1st
We’ve continued to text and phone call every few days. i email about honesty and the emotional instability of Lyme Disease Brain.
October 6th
My Fox Fest photo of socializing
brings him back to these again. The Brother and their highschool friend.
He draws them again. [tumblr]
with my Aunt’s white hair.
October 11th
Combining images from Halloween 2008 and 2009.
The pink sky and branches from the pink wig, the streaks in the sky from the pink light behind Stefan, the pose from him sitting, the monster face smoking decor, the linework of the pool of blood from the brownie box. [tumblr]
October 17th
The curls and height of the french updo of attending a highschool dance, the colors of my mohawk and polkadots of childhood Halloween, the pumpkin of one of my old phone pics to him.
[tumblr]
October 31st
Fox Fest 2007. [flickr]
[tumblr]
He even keeps the squiggly branches.
November 8th
Chiller. April 2011. Gary Busey and Tony Clifton. [flickr]
[tumblr]
December 1st
My Halloween photo with my cousin’s mad clown face leads Stefan back to
the chocolate faced child from Fox Fest 2010. [flickr]
The pale purple of my mohawk becomes purple hair ties, the orange of my cousin’s costume influences the skin tone, and she provides the eyes. [tumblr]
Every color is a clue.
December 25th
One week prior, I repost my drawing of Christopher Hitchens and Dinesh D’Souza. [tumblr] (Stefan and I used to watch a lot of politcal and religious debate while drawing/working.)
Stefan posts himself reading Republic of Fear: The Politics of Modern Iraq. [tumblr]
