Controls appear when hovered over.
January 8th
New Years Eve [IG]
which brings Stefan to this red on red selfie [flickr]
right next to the red on red selfie in the self portrait album, 2012 New Mexico, with similar hair [flickr]
which, combined, leads to this drawing by Boyfriend.
My partial nudity, the angle and roundness of my eyepatch, the graphic 1976…
lead to this pinup cover in an episode of The Hitchcock Hour
to Cassavetes in a similar position, bound and gagged… and then continuing the cascade of association.
He combines the selfies with the bright red. [fb]
the diagonal straps like my eyepatch.
January 9th
Riffing off of red and lights brings him to this [IG] from November 2021, my seeing the band Human Impact play.
the red light and stripes of molding and musican’s hands lead him here
the big head surrounded by expressive black and white hands then lead him to this page of the scrapbook.
specifically, these hands from Edge of the City, the spiral binding like the coiled wires on the floor.
A new self portrait. [fb]
Edge of the City is about the friendship of two men who work together, and one of them dies.
January 12th
January 3rd, I post these for my radio show [IG]
which leads to Love Streams
these last two combined, angled Becket and “I’m almost not crazy now lead to…
the wrappers from a local eaterie named Empanada Loca two months previous. The paper bags match her hair. [IG]
“experience the craze”
Stefan posts a check from a corporation, similarly arranged. [fb] TRESemmé translates phonetically to the French phrase très-aimé, which means “much loved” or “beloved”. Love Streams.
RECALLEDPRODUCTS – recall – memory – Love Streams
I feed my cats in red lighting, reviewing films about heartbreak and suicide. [IG]
which leads to The Killers, upsidedown Angie Dickenson in orange tones.
to a similar embrace in black and white.
to Lee Marvin in similar composition.
Marilyn’s face is upsidedown while Stefan pets Sooki to a song about love and hell in black and white. [fb]
White lettering at the bottom in similar font.
mentioning a pit stop
in an embrace.
January 17th
Two days prior, vascular scans of my brain. [IG ]
which leads to The Incubus
He posts hooks in flesh. [fb]
January 21st
which leads to Minnie and Moskowitz
He posts a photo from a horror convention. [fb]
“TROMA FAMILY”
BDSM vibes in front of lettering. Men in athletic gear, women in leather.
February 4th
From my radio playlist two days prior. [WFMU] The painting of Patrick McGoohan as the warden from the film ‘Escape From Alcatraz’, an unflattering portrait that causes the inmate to have his painting supplies taken away.
which leads to Machine Gun McCain
Stefan posts his paints. [fb]
caption: “PICKED UP SOME OF MY TOOLS YESTERDAY”
larger version without caption from instagram?
lead to the women of Machine Gun McCain
and more McCain machine twiddling.
Stefan posts his tattoo equipment. [fb]
Video from this week, recording a saxophone player in my neighborhood.
which leads to Too Late Blues, with it’s saxophone.
and billiards.
his caption: “Trying to make this warped piece of shit playable. Every instrument deserves a chance.” [fb]
Stefan’s photo shows a guitar neck at the same angle as the crosswalk, fingers matching the building color on the upper right.
yellow at the lower right corner
mouths and angles combined. Stefan’s necklace like the sax neck strap.
“In a 1971 interview with Playboy magazine, Cassavetes lamented that Too Late Blues never had a chance.” – Wikipedia
Beside each other posted December [fb] and a belated birthday suit photo [fb] posted January 3rd:
these faces lead to this man
standing behind Cassavetes in Too Late Blues
and this triangle and circles
brings it back to the pool table of Too Late Blues
the diagonal of billiards combined with the red,
brings it here:
Stefan posts laying billiards in a red. [IG]
The pool cue at this angle.
the corner and ball catch like the vanity.
rectangle tiles beneath.
Shadow of curtain folds near Cassavetes hand becomes the pool cue
Curve of curtain pattern becoming curved finger,
his tattoo visible to emulate the curtain pattern
November 2022. On facebook, next to the poster for Judas and the Black Messiah, I repost my spine. [fb]
which leads to the blue green vertical and curved lines
of this Crime in the Streets poster, and other representations of the same scene.
Clear like a see through Xray. The palette echoing the shape of my breasts. [fb]
this hand pose, the curve of the sleeve matching the curve of the palette
a rectangle of color behind
The palette following the curve of the purple swish
this thumb, the round shape behind like the curves of the pallet
the pallet knife to fill the negative space of the sweater along the hand.
this bit of comparative white at the top
these black legs and feet with an arch of blue
with a skewed round shape in the corner with text.
February 5th
One week prior, I repost an old photo of my meeting Phil LaMarr after seeing PeeWee’s Playhouse on Broadway. [IG]
which leads to Shadows.
This reminds Stefan of a MadTV sketch with Phil Lamarr about aerobics.
So Stefan posts this, random retro aerobics. [fb]
“SPONSORED BY CRYSTAL LIGHT”
February 10th
One day prior, I have director Victor Bonacore on my radio show to promote his new film THRUST! My [WFMU] playlist includes these images.
the colors and crouching poses lead back to this Crime in the Streets poster.
The crudeness of the Mike Diana drawn poster inspires the baby food, he matches the colors. [fb]
This angle and color palette
with a subtly messy index finer
holding an orange object at this angle
These elements.
various fonts.
street becomes lines of molding, an arc of white for finger crease
hand in this claw-like shape, the base of the lamppost inspiring the shape of the baby food jar.
with abstract shadow shape emulated with tattoo.
… 6/2
One month prior. A book I bought at the local thrift store. [IG]
the colors and poses of the figures on the cover…
lead to Love Streams
The flowers on the book cover and stripes and colors and poses brings him to these photos taken together in 2017. [flickr flickr]
my photos and Love Streams combined leads to ballerinas of Love Streams.
We become ballerinas with tutus of flowers. [fb]
This composition.
and this composition
with these feet.
this composition.
this pose and drawing style.
bows from the child’s hair, that same hand.
red from the ketchup container, outline like red thread
this rectangle shape as graphic element
February 12th
Two weeks prior. I post amusing text with a color palette of pinks, blues, teals, yellow and a floor of brown. [IG] So does he. [fb]
February 9th [WFMU]
which leads to The Killers.
“TRACK THE PLANETS”
TRACK as in race track.
One week prior. Blue and face petting. [IG]
which leads to Opening Night.
and from there…
and then…
Stefan posts blue and face petting. [fb]
[WFMU] February 9th. Three days prior. These
lead to this from exboyfriend.
these
bring him to this facedown Sticky Friends photo from the Ocean Grove days
these
lead to this cleavage shot
My tabletop face pressed between breasts, his tattoo becomes the hair swirls, fingernails, the ear from the teapot handle, the color taken from the video of my ranting. [fb]
[WFMU] Gun. Blue. Three fingers.
to The Killers. Blue with Reagan. Three fingers, or black and white same pose with trigger finger.
to more Reagan and poster colors Cassavetes with a hair curl.
to Lee Marvin with three fingers and Cassavetes expression, with colorful Angie Dickinson
To poster colors and Lee Marvin trigger finger and colorful Angie
These elements…
bring him to an autoupload from January 2015, a red devil with a hair curl holding three pronged forks, atop a white base.
which in turn leads to this drawing by exboyfriend [IG]
He draws a devil with a hair curl. [fb]
February 16th
Two months prior I myself opening the Sun Ra art book, with series of circles and swishy lettering. [IG]
This poster for Gloria
He posts his gripping hand with circles, colors, and swishy lettering. [fb]
Curled knuckles with small diamonds and pink.
February 18th
January 30th. [IG] I rant about neck injections and my restricted diet.
which leads him to seeing Negativland play with the Weatherman singing a song about listening to Black Sabbath [IG]
which leads to The Incubus poster
to here
to here
to here.
But then this..
leads here, framed head with yellow.
to here, with glowing color
to here
My ranting about injections in my neck and dietary restrictions inspires a photograph of a scorpion lollipop. Black Sabbath inspires the static goat. He chooses an ironically appropriate song for a movie about a monster that rapes people to death. [fb]
Open Your Heart
Madonna
February 19th
September of 2022. [IG]
leads to Minnie & Moskowitz.
and these
Stefan photographs billiards.
Tinting the photo so the man’s sleeves match my orange, his pose matching my bent knee stance, the white curved border of the logo like the triangular pool ball rack. [fb]
This composition. Pool cue as tree.Gena’s shoulder as pool felt.
February 20th
February 9th [WFMU] playlist
These images atop each other
lead to these elements
in Tempest
and from there, to these
these elements
lead back to the screening Infinity Pool. [IG]
which leads to Tempest.
Stefan posts a strangely cropped video of a cat on a leash, his colors matching the tile background, the man with a similarly wide stance. [fb]
One month apart.
Five days prior, I rant about the shittiness of a volunteer production of Mozart’s requiem while on shrooms. [IG]
these views
lead to Minnie and Moskowitz with wide pupiled eyes, matching my colors.
Stefan posts a child terribly singing a religious song with matching colors at the top right and bottom of the frame. [fb]
“…and the angels call him Jesus”
Ten days prior, I post my outfit. [IG]
More aerobics, matching my outfit. [fb]
Five days prior. [IG]
He matches the teal of my outfit to the girl’s hair, a doorway behind her with blue light in the background, my shiny tight pants and hand positions like the guitarist and the girl [fb].
Lyrics that can loosely relate to medication and pain.
Nita Strauss – The Wolf You Feed
Tell me everything you need
To kill the numb
And find the strength to become
A storm that never loses speed
When it’s said and done
You become the wolf you feed
The wolf you feed
Back again to 2022. I’d reposted this Sticky Friends photo on Valentine’s Day. [fb] He posts more aerobics [fb]
“Can you hear my heartbeat?”
to Minnie and Moskowitz
to October 2022. I met Bruce McCullough of Kids in the Hall. [IG]
plus this from the WFMU playlist
which leads Stefan to a Kids in the Hall sketch where he does a commercial for a plate-full of poo
so he combines them by posting a video of a Firesign Theater sketch about eating rats and other offal, the expression of the woman in the sketch matching my own. [fb]
New Years Eve again. My glittery outfit with 80’s boots and angular white background. [IG]
which leads him to
So he posts Crystal Gale in 80s boots and glittery outfit with geometric background singing about Gloria. [fb]
Gloria, don’t you think you’re fallin’?
If everybody wants you, why isn’t anybody callin’?
You don’t have to answer
Leave them hangin’ on the line
Two months apart.
texts between me and Stefan
I wasn’t blocked, I was restricted. My response was flippant, but I was trying not to reveal how hurt and betrayed I felt.
Again.
I didn’t respond for months.
I could clearly read the comments from bros who told him to start making NFTs, the thin meaningless compliments from easily impressed strangers, but my comments on his instagram posts were invisible to everyone. It all held too many painful shades of the past when I was kept separate from everything and forbidden from interacting with the other people in his life.
I regret everything about this exchange and wish every single fucking day that I’d handled it differently.
Or were our roles now reversed? Was he hurt by my refusal to have him crash at my apartment? Was Stefan the one now incapable of interacting as platonic friends, unable to handle the idea that his romantic intentions were one sided?
Either way, it would seem he was struck silent, expressing it all through his art, paralyzed in both hope and fear that I’d figure it all out.
Well, fuck you, I figured it out.
February 22nd
February 16th [IG]
which leads to Minnie & Moskowitz, sunglasses and diagonal lines.
these combine
to Gena and John on set.
which in turn leads back to the beginning. Johnny Stacatto
punchy. [fb]
Excerpt of an email to Stefan from 2010:
January 23rd. A theater interior video before a play. [IG] He posts the night sky. Both panning upward to red and white dots above. [fb]
One month apart.
February 23rd
Back again to 2022. February I post a series of photos and video expressing my frustration at a bad haircut after growing it out for years. [IG]
This brings him again back to these random phone uploads.
My profile leads to this photo of Johnny Cash included in the lobby cards of Shadows.
Baby and child. [fb]
February 26th
Again panning, now to two white circles.
One month apart.
My video [IG] three days prior. Silly dancing beneath a grid of lines…
leads to the film Two Minute Warning, with football field lines and dancing woman.
which in turn leads to these.
Stefan’s video. [IG]
the black rectangle now fills the compositional space of under the stool.
paper attached to the wall.
which would appear to read “DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR” which is a plot point of 2 Minute Warning, where police try to keep people from fleeing the stadium.
pointing.
with Marilyn.
but also
Cassavetes with a gun, diagonal beam.
The odd splotch of pink dictating the color of the lettering
like my own lettering.
Two minute wanring. 3..2..1
Back to New Years…
My New Years Eve selfie my hand behind my head [IG]
brings him back to this photo with a fist in my hair.
My New Years Day selfie in a scarf and leather jacket [IG]
brings him to me wearing the same scarf and a leather jacket from April 18th 2011. [flickr]
Next to my 2011 selfie in the flickr feed is this toy. [flickr]
the colorful toy packaging paired with my similar selfies, one blue, one warm…
leads to The Incubus
these combined…
lead to this upload from the exboyfriend. [IG]
He combines them. My cupcake face now has a ball gag inspired by my NYE necklace, the toy becomes a squirrel worm. [IG]
January 3rd. a belated birthday suit photo [fb]
right below it is this image of my spine. [fb]
My recent nudie brings him to this older nude photograph from 2014.
which leads to The Killing of a Chinese Bookie
He draws my pose from behind, using my curved Xray as dragon tattoo inspiration, the crooked angled lines like my crooked spine, the green tint. My photo logo at the bottom right provides the dark red of the ink. [IG]
[WFMU]
Looking at my recent New Years Eve photos, he is reminded of how we spent our first New Years Eve together, in Ocean Grove eating steak. [flickr]
So he cooks two steaks.
And still manages to get in some Taylor Dayne lyrics about love in his video. [IG]
“Tell it to my heart
Tell me I’m the only one
Is this really love or just a game?
Tell it to my heart
I can feel my body rock
Every time you call my name”
I post a video about dying my hair. [IG]
My T-shirt graphic
leads him back to the crushing crowd of Two Minute Warning, red, and circles.
Heston’s reaching gun arm with suit jacket and cuff above yellow lettering beside a crowd scene with a long haired woman…
leads to this scene, woman with long hair beside yellow flowers in the background, a man’s arm with suit cuff, other hand on the phone
leads to this scene of Cassavetes on the phone.
Every song is chosen with purpose. “Right down the line” is an appropriate love song, but also, “right down the line” is a phrase used to describe a play where a player moves parallel.
He posts the same day about his hair, too. [IG]
Right Down the Line – Gerry Rafferty
You know I need your love
You’ve got that hold over me
Long as I got your love
You know that I’ll never leave
When I wanted you to share my life
I had no doubt in my mind
And it’s been you, woman
Right down the line
I post a video about the mundanity of my day’s plans [IG] and so does he. [IG] Posted the same day.
[WFMU]
My mirror selfie video stance brings him back to Hedwig in April of 2015. [flickr]
Weird angle giving me a round jawline, and holding the phone becomes claw hand, the eyes behind me provide the circles and tint of the drawing [IG]
This photo [flickr] next to the Solar dancing devil in 2015 that inspired a dry erase drawing.
A new dry erase drawing. More red. More ears. Me and my cat combined. [IG]
The red and cat face leads Stefan to my Fox slippers from 2014. [flickr]
He talks about bunny slippers. His shirt matches my slippers. He is smoking and scratching so Marilyn is repeatedly visible while he’s timed it so Depeche Mode sings “all I ever wanted all I ever needed is here in my arms” (or on his hand). [IG]
March 1st
Same day. I post the new graphic for my radio show, drawn by Evan Dorkin.
This
leads to this
and this
leads to this dog
on a boat
and then these
lead to this.
Stefan posts himself with Sookie. [IG]
March 11th
I talk behind a wooden table and post about my cat eating my Spider Plant which is hallucinogenic to felines. [IG]
He sits at a wooden table and posts a small technicolor cat in the corner of his post. [IG] Same day.
March 18th
March 24th
Three days prior. Photos posted by DJ Stashu of me singing at the WFMU fundraiser party. [fb] He posts himself in similar positions.
The Little Mermaid • Part of Your World
Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin’ free, wish I could be
Part of that world
[IG]
Pantera • A New Level
A new level
Of confidence
And power
Thats right!
No fucking surrender
Can’t lose
No fucking surrender can’t lose
… even blurring his face like mine when reposting this older drawing. [IG]
One day prior, I rant about mixing up my medications and playing a Joan Crawford radio play. [IG] On the radio, I talk about my childhood crush on William Shatner and blame him for my love life being in shambles [audio], dooming me to a life of pining over drummers and bass players. (Stefan did both.)
My walking in a long black coat
next to a dome topped garbage can leads to Opening Night, long coat, arched doorway, red decor.
I add to that same radio playlist [WFMU] this photo of Shatner and Nimoy.
Their pose combined with Gena’s long coat leads to Cassavetes similarly crossed arms, with the added pun of being a “red shirt”
Cassavetes in the doorway combined with these
leads here to an arch behind Gena and headless man in a doorway
combined with Gena’s hand here…
to this headless man
to lipstick.
He posts the next day with lipstick (Crawford) and poison vial (medication), his colors matching mine, arms crossed like Shatner. [IG]
Madonna • Vogue
Look around, everywhere you turn is heartache
It’s everywhere that you go
(Look around)
You try everything you can to escape
The pain of life that you know (Life that you know)
February 10th, I post about being a Heather. [IG]
He posts himself in a similar outfit, lipstick, hand position, with similar lettering. [IG]
In This Moment • Blood 1983
Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth
I’m not that easy
Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
I’m a dirty, dirty girl
I want it filthy
I love you for everything you ever took from me
I love the way you dominate and you violate me
I love you for every time you gave up on me
I love you for the way you look when you lie to me
I love you for never believing what I say
I love you for never once giving me my way
I love you for never delivering me from pain
I love you for always driving me insane
On my radio show the night before, I asked my listeners what they are most afraid of doing, and challenge them to conquer their fears [audio]. I mention my singing on stage as one of the things that I was most afraid of doing in life.
On that radio show, I added this gif to the playlist. [WFMU]
Stefan posts himself holding a ball gag, matching his color to my Twilight Zone gif, to a song about love. [IG]
Massive Attack • Teardrop
Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath
His fear is of speaking freely to me? about love?
April 1st
March 30th I post this gif to my radio playlist for a song from Some Like it Hot, sung by Marilyn Monroe. [WFMU]
He poses with Marilyn beside him. [IG]
Mad Season • Wake Up
Wake up, young man
It’s time to wake up
Your love affair has got to go
For ten long years
For ten long years
The leaves to rake us
Slow suicide’s no way to go
His caption: “HAD THE FLU”
In the Ocean Grove days, I was already sick with the flu, and when Stefan felt himself succumbing, he raced down to be with me so we could be sickly together. We were fevery in bed together for days. I recovered before him, and took care of him through the worst of it with cold washcloths. “I’m supposed to take care of YOU” he said, delirious from fever.
March 16th, a video in red and green as a promo for my radio show prizes [IG]
which leads him back to this Sticky Friends photo
and so… [IG]
This image from the WFMU prizes video [IG], a woman with her raised hand
brings him to this photo of us in Ocean Grove.
The narrow point of the head is like the negative space behind my head between the bannister and wall, the doorknob becomes the moon, the same color, one of her hands, one of mine. [IG]
Infected Rain • The Realm of Chaos
Maybe if we had the night.
Maybe if we had the light.
Maybe if we had the night
We could start to dream.
Maybe if we had the light
We could start to see.
Running!
The rotten society
Of a dead dynasty.
Are we the hunters, are we the bait?
Running and hiding
From the constant duality.
The Incubus
May 28th, my bruised thighs from being hit with a scooter while bicycling. [fb]
which brings him to this bruised [flickr] photo from May 2009
right below it in the [flickr] feed, my statue.
I become a demon of thigh and statue. [IG]
Infected Rain • The Realm of Chaos
In the alchemy of good and bad
Are we the hunters, are we the bait?
In the reality obscure
Are we the fisherman, are we the lure?
Bullied into submission,
Gaslighted into self destruction.
Doomed to walk this cursed land
Like a lost lamb in a wolf stand.
This one is beautifully weird. [IG]
April 4th
March 25th, I reposed these 1994 photographs of me and rambled at length about the character Delirium from the comic book Sandman, whom I resembled. [fb]
This is the titular character Dream from Sandman:
He finds the photograph of him I took in Ocean Grove, his eyes black with a sparkle of light, just like Sandman.
Mad Season • River Of Deceit
My pain is self-chosen
At least, so the prophet says
I could either burn
Or cut off my pride and buy some time
A head full of lies is the weight, tied to my waist
He recreates it. [IG]
That same radio playlist from March 30th includes this gif [WFMU]
Which leads Stefan back to this early photograph of us.
He keeps the steepled hands, and the small bit of red over the left shoulder. [IG]
“JUST GO TO THE STORIES. IT’S A GHOST TOWN HERE.”
Remembering. Recreating.
That same radio playlist from March 30th includes this photo of my grandfather [WFMU] at work
in the same [flickr] album as that grandfather photo, is this family portrait.
which leads to Burt Lancaster in the Cassavetes directed A Child is Waiting.
and in turn to these posters
which brings him back to these Ocean Grove self portraits from 2007.
A masked child. “NO OTHER KIDS” [IG]
He uses a track from the soundtrack to Silent Hill: Revelation, appropriate given the peeling paint and cracked walls.
•Silent Hill Revelation
Silent Hill: Revelation is a film based on the video game. It’s not a great film, but the protagonists have thematic and visual similarities to us.
He uses the soundtrack to this film often.
That same radio playlist from March 30th includes this image [WFMU]
which leads to this image from A Child is Waiting
and this image with Judy’s
brings him back to these photos from filming March of the Pumpkins.
The headboard pattern inspires the wings, the hat makes the braids, the book pages make the bench, the doorknob is the moon, the color dictated by the filthy jumpsuit, the hands made of knife and shadow. [IG]
this image also leads
to this from Opening Night
to this.
combined with this blonde hair and skewed rectangles
leads to this from Opening Night. She is killed right after this, and her death haunts the Gena Rowlands character.
Her splayed fingers paired with this Opening Night shot
leads to these from filming March of the Pumpkins
Rope texture from the hat strings. [IG]
“I’VE ABANDONED THIS PAGE, NOW IT’S A GHOST TOWN”
(a ghost, like the dead woman haunting Gena.)
here’s a perspective shifted version:
(but why is there yellow?) [IG]
SKYND • Katherine Knight
I want to cut you in the dark
Taste your bleeding heart
I hate you (I hate you)
I want to hang you from the door
Bleed you to the core
I love you (I love you)
I can never get enough of, you
Deep inside you feel the same way, too
I will always love you
I will always love you
That same radio playlist from March 30th includes this image [WFMU] of Perry Farrell of Jane’s Addiction.
his expression leads to Gena in Love Streams
to this similar angle with red, John in profile kissing her, his character a drunk
to Gena in profile surrounded by blue smoke in one of the film’s fantasy sequences…
Blue smoky Gena plus these elements…
leads to my photographs of Jane’s Addiction
Stefan combines them for his own selfie. [IG]
Sonic Youth • Drunken Butterfly
Come on home, just ain’t fair
Name of rock ‘n’ roll, where love dies
Couldn’t find a soul, tell it like it is
Deep down inside, drunken butterfly
I love you, I love you, I love you, what’s your name?
I love you, I love you, I love you, what’s your name?
April 8th
My March 30th radio playlist also included this gif [WFMU].
This brings Stefan to this photo from a trip to North Jersey…
ending up at the Jefferson Diner that same night. The squares of window
and my glasses
leads to Tempest
then to this Tempest promo photo trio
to this same trio
to this Tempest trio in a yellow car
which, combined with the diner neon…
leads to this solo shot.
to here.
to here.
Stefan combines them, neon added, lyrics of standing “side by side” like promo photo. [FB]
Soap&Skin • Me and the Devil
Early this morning
When you knocked upon my door
And I say, “Hello Satan, I
I believe it is time to go”
Me and the Devil
Walking side by side
Me and the Devil
Walking side by side
do it again, like the repeating theme of the wedding photo in the background with the current pose of John and Gena.
That same radio playlist includes this gif from the film Immortal Beloved, relatable to our relationship, and Stefan’s deafness in one ear.
which leads to A Woman Under the Influence
combined, to these
wood, slats, hat, combined,
brings him to our 2009 Chicago [flickr] photos, he and I in the Chicago hotel lobby in a strange circular mirror
from there, to this photo I took of him at my Aunt’s garage in 2009 next to slats of wood
which in turn brings him to a photo of his hand I’d taken in that same garage.
He combines them. [IG]
His finger is where the E string would be. Accidentally touching the E string is a common technique error that causes unwanted muting. But the E isn’t even there.
Portishead • Biscuit
I’m lost, exposed
Stranger things will come your way
It’s just I’m scared
Got hurt a long time ago
Can’t make myself heard
No matter how hard I scream
Oh, sensation
Sin, slave of sensation
Fully fed, yet I still hunger
Torn inside
Haunted I tell myself, yet I still wander
Down, inside
It’s tearin’ me apart
Oh, sensation
Sin, slave of sensation
I’ll never fall in love again
It’s all over now
2006 (right after Stefan and I met). A fellow with wrinkled infrared-pink jacket sleeves and chubby cheeks. [flickr]
which leads him to Saddle the Wind
Stefan photographs a mall Easter Bunny. [IG]
April 4th, I post an image from on set. I had a part in an indie film The Brother had written. [IG]
which leads to Mikey & Nicky
He matches the colors, his Superman logo backwards like the lettering of the pub on the front door, Marilyn present. He plays a song filled with anger and fury. [IG]
Mudvayne • Dig
Dig
Bury me underneath everything that I am rearranging
Dig
Bury me underneath everything that I was
You ain’t fucking changing me
Dig
Come on mother fucker dig
Let me help you tie the rope around your neck
Let me help to talk you the wrong way off the ledge
Let me help you hold the Glock against your head
Let me help you chain the weights onto your legs
Get on the plank fuck!
doorknob.
backwards logo, color, and bent elbows.
finger with face.
wet.
this pose.
this failure.
oh god.
A sudden realization.
Stefan’s brother had written a short story about a man whose apartment slowly grows into a forest as he becomes more and more of a a recluse, until he himself is physically overtaken by the creeping rot of nature (like the movie Troll, but in a depressing hipster Brooklyn way). The story got the attention of an indie director who wanted to turn it into a film, so The Brother fleshed out the simple tale as a full script. He told me he wrote the new supporting role specifically with me in mind, and had me cast in the film. I was the plucky wacky chick, hanging out at an after-hours bar making illegal bets with my best friend, the sad agoraphobe slowly sinking into a state of unbeing.
The story was Stefan.
Oh god, I can’t breathe.
The story was Stefan, struggling, isolated, and hardly leaving his bedroom. Stefan with his scratch-off tickets. Stefan with nightmares borne of airway obstruction. Stefan with his coffee extra light and two sugars.
How did I not realize?! The main character’s name was “Anton” for fuck’s sake.
We even filmed a scene where I am banging at Anton’s apartment door, begging and pleading for him to let me in, let me help him, but he does not answer.
I was simply playing me.
Anton’s slow steady decline was portrayed as inevitable, unavertable. The film is essentially watching someone lose a battle against isolation and madness while slowly drowning in psychological quicksand made manifest. In a meta turn of events, The Brother even tried to fix me up with the actor who played Anton.
I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. I didn’t know.
April 10th
There April 6th [WFMU] playlist images…
lead to Husbands.
which leads back to Chicago.
Looking upwards, his arm at the same angle, a framed image behind him. [IG]
(Why the red? I’m missing something.)
Repost.
March 31st, I repost old versions of Fictional Characters that Describe Me trend. [IG]
So he crops this older drawing. The child looking downwards like the Black Knight, a brain like that of The Man with Two Brains. He adds a CENSORED label emulating the football helmets held by the woman of Just One of the Guys. [IG]
Enya • Only Time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose? Only time
Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies? Only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies? Only time
Who can say when the roads meet?
That love might be in your heart?
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart
(k)night
Repost. This image on my radio playlist from April 6th, two days prior. [WFMU]
A figure with a circular hole in his chest
leads Stefan back to this dress with a circular hole in the chest. [IG]
Tom Petty • American Girl
Well, it was kind of cold that night
She stood alone on her balcony
Yeah, she could hear the cars roll by
Out on 441
Like waves crashin’ on the beach
And for one desperate moment there
He crept back in her memory
God it’s so painful
Something that’s so close
And still so far out of reach
April 12th
From January, I post about seeing the pornographic documentary Load Count. [IG IG]
which leads him to The Killing of a Chinese Boookie
He combines both videos into one. [IG]
PJ Harvey • Is This Love
I can’t believe that life’s so complex
When I just want to sit here and watch you undress
I can’t believe that life’s so complex
When I just want to sit here and watch you undress
This is love, this is love
That I’m feeling
This is love, this is love
That I’m feeling
This is love, love, love
That I’m feeling
this angle.
this blurry face at this angle and this skin tone
angled face with rectangle shape beside it
with pink covering the eyes
the censored bar at this angle
with a similar face
the D or the CENSORED bar cut off from view, like the dancer behind the beam.
DIE as in The Killing of a Chinese Bookie.
April 15th
This gif on my April 6th [WFMU] playlist
leads to these images from Two Minute Warning
which in turn leads to this composite image
which in turn leads to this from February 16th, with sunglasses, stripes, and angled lines behind me [IG]
these elements…
bring him to Halloween, with vertical lines down his face in front of a lined background.
the diagonal background lines, paired with these…
leads to Tim Curry in Rocky Horror
Using the lines of shadow to mimic the wooden slat pattern of the wall behind him, and for and his bloody face. [IG]
Cannons • Shadows
I’m lost in the dark
Searching for a spark with you
Keep holding on
Let me move through you
Where have you gone? Waited so long
How can I just carry on?
March 31st I’d reuploaded my series of “fictional characters that equal you” instagram trend.
which leads him to this Rosemary’s Baby poster.
He combines three of them. Four of Diamonds prevalent. [IG]
Allie Sherlock • Wicked Game
The world was on fire, no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you
No, I don’t wanna fall in love
with you
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, never felt this way
What a wickеd thing you do, to let me dream of you
From my April 6th radio playlist, gifs stacked above each other like so for the Mandy Love Theme and Depeche Mode’s song Judas. [WFMU] He combines them. [IG]
April 21st
My April 6th radio playlist with this Bette Davis gif [WFMU]
brings him back to this from 2007
to this, his gripping hand on thigh.
to here.
these combined…
lead to this from Two Minute Warning
This image from the same WFMU playlist
plus these
lead to this from Two Minute Warning.
and in turn to these
then this, with my purple panties…
lead to this.
these combined
lead here
these combined
lead to this
His painting of his gripping hand and my naked form. [IG]
this basic composition, my arm, his bent knees, the silver of the palette knife where his rings and watch would be.
hand becomes foot with flower pattern toes
Ste
April 20th [WFMU] playlist
leads to this Columbo poster
Columbo paired with this image from the same playlist
leads to these Columbo shots
combined, then leads to Syd Barrett on that same playlist
which in turn leads to these shots of Columbo.
combined with this columbo shot
which leads to this photo, pink hair, cat paw on face. Posted the same day. April 21st [IG]
More hands. A Sticky Friends photo from 2008.
And the cat matches my bruise. [IG]
Continuing obsessing about hands, he looks to my art instagram, where I have a drawing of a bleeding hand [IG] right next to a satanic goat. [IG]
Butch Cassidy from my April 13th radio playlist [WFMU]
to Roman Polanski directing Rosemary’s Baby
From my radio playlist on April 20th. [WFMU]
which leads to these from Love Streams
Love Streams with it’s pink logo combined with this from the same playlist
leads to this from Love Streams
which in turn leads to these
and this from the same playlist
leads to this poster
these combined with the firey Love Streams poster
leads to this.
which then leads to this 2018 [IG] drawing of mine
So he posts [IG] a satanic goat.
Infected Rain•The Realm of Chaos
April 21st
One week prior, I post these to my [WFMU] playlist
Vincent’s upturned eyes and the vampire theme and strainer on the wall brings him back to our last Halloween.
which leads to these
to this
combined, to this, his bleeding pinkie.
Again, using the shadows to represent the slatted wood and his bloodied face. Again, Marilyn is me. [IG]
Tobacco • Gods in Heat
I can make it be now
I let you be here
I can make it be
I can make it be now
I let you be here
I can make it better
I post this album cover to my radio show playlist one day prior. [WFMU]
which leads him to this photograph of Rasputina performing, which Stefan and I attended together.
and this from the same playlist
leads to Too Late Blues
So he posts a violin, a red kiss to the lower right to balance the red in the lower right of my photograph. [IG]
To Rasputina, of course.
Rasputina Transylvanian Concubine
If you want to know how
To fly high, then go now
To the place where all the concubines
Meet and converse with them
Marvel at their pale skin
Wonder how they chew on their pointy
Teeth and hair are beauty
They know it’s their duty
To be countess in their hearts and their
Minds that have to whisper
See in them a sister
Look into their eyes and you’ll become
Transylvanian Concubine
[WFMU] playlist
His song choice is what makes the connection. The scene filled with tones of brown, a blue painting in the background matches Chacka’s eyes, matches the painting in the background, he adds diagonal lettering like my own. [IG]
The Cramps • I was a Teenage Werewolf
April 20th [WFMU] playlist. Cascade of visual threads.
The wood from the box, Tim Curry’s head, orange framed square, gridded paper leads to this March 2022 [IG] selfie with wood, calendar, green and orange rectangles, gridded composition
bare shoulders leads him here:
combined, leads to Minnie & Moskowitz
Stefam punches the dummy three times, like the three frames of Minnie & Moskowitz film. [IG]
Sympathy, tenderness
Warm as the summer
Offer me their embrace
Friendliness, gentleness
Strangers to my life
They are there in his face
Goodness, and sweetness, and kindness abound in this place
I am in love with
The things that I see in his face
It’s a memory I know time
Will never erase
The song lyrics talk about time and loving someone’s face. Behind me is a calendar.
April 22nd
[WFMU] playlist April 20th
leads to Johnny Staccato
This image from the same playlist…
leads to this April 3rd 2022. [IG]
these combined…
leads to Love Streams
which, combined with these
leads to more Love Streams
The green and the grin ties in his post with a song choice “Alligator Girl” who is also an electric guitar. [IG]
His lyrical choice inspired, I think, from this old email I’d sent him.
Langhorne Slim • Alligator Girl
Alligator girl, the electric guitar
Wake from clap of thunder
Pull the covers from my face
Lift my head off of the pillow
Check the darkness
Just in case, she waits
She waits
She waits
Repost.
Another gif posted to my radio playlist on April 20th
More Rasputina.
brings him back to this [IG]
My video of Miss Kitka distracting me one month prior [IG]
leads him to that time in 2018 I tried to take a cute photo of me and my cat but I had to split it in two because of the aspect ratio and because I found it hilarious that the angle made my breasts look insanely gargantuan. [IG]
My cat makes the diagonal black, the yellow wall my yellow pillow, the bright pink hair is CENSORED, my long salmon/pink hair pieces makes the two pink slashes. [IG]
April 26th
A video I made in February for my radio show. [IG]
Brings him back to this.
The red hand on white skin leads him back to these performance artist photographs [flickr]
Photographs of the artist’s boots from the same event, the stars shrouded in shadow:
Stefan posts this painting to instagram, filtered and hyper contrasted, stars shrouded in shadow, lines of forehead wrinkles like the lines of wood flooring, a small bit of light on the lower left, like the person’s camera screen. [IG]
Now the theme is red circles…
A 2015 shot I took in Jersey City with a red circle on the ceiling of the escalator. [IG]
Morrisey • Redondo Beach
Down by the ocean it was so dismal.
I was just standing with shock on my face.
The hearse pulled away, and the girl that had died, it was you.
You’ll never return into my arms ’cause you were gone gone.
Never return into my arms ’cause you were gone gone.
Gone gone, gone gone, good-bye.
The mug handle as the red circle on the ceiling, the bend of his foot and the colorful pattern of the sock mimicking the pattern of lights down the escalator, the zebra pattern as the white lights on black background, his hand and ankle as the beige sides, one with round knuckle shapes, one with sharp rose shapes.
Gena similarly posing with a horse.
A circle surrounded by red. In April 2018 post an antique photo of a woman with a horse, a rose and a hand. [IG]
Horses on his socks, roses on his arm and ankle, the hand position mimicked. [IG]
More hands. An insane record I found at the WFMU record library, and posted these to instagram. [IG]
He photographs his hands, the pink bandaid for the pink background, the pointing hand for my additional closeup shot of his manicure, the shadow lines to emulate the stacks of records behind, leopard print hearts for my leopard print tights. [IG]
No colors are added that don’t exist.
Echo & the Bunnymen • Lips Like Sugar
Just when you think she’s yours
She’s flown to other shores
To laugh at how you break
And melt into this lake
You’ll flow down her river
But you’ll never give her
Lips like sugar
Sugar kisses
She’ll be my mirror
Reflect what I am
Loser and winner
The king of Siam
And my Siamese twin
Alone in the river
Mirror kisses
My April 19/20th radio show playlist again. [WFMU] Stefan posts fetish gear, the collar at the top at the same diagonal as Tim Curry’s pearl necklace. [IG]
In This Moment • Big Bad Wolf
Oh man, all these voices
I just can’t, get the fuck out of my head
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t
Even with these chains, you can’t stop me…
April 27th
Again, from my April 19/20th radio show playlist, for Crispin Glover’s birthday I post a gif of the film ‘Rubin and Ed’. [WFMU] His kicking leg with bent knee
brings Stefan back to this self portrait from the Ocean Grove days.
This leads him back to other self portraits from 2006/2007.
Stefan uses the gif for the color tone, the ball to inspire breasts, and the photographs for the rest of the drawing. [IG]
In This Moment • The Fighter
All my life
I was afraid to die
And now I come alive inside these flames
You don’t want me to love you
You don’t want me to need you
You don’t want to look at me for you will turn to stone
You don’t want me to hurt you
You don’t want me to bite you
You don’t want me or my aching soul
