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January 6th
December 8th, one month prior. I discuss the film Poor Things, my video with a screenshot of a blue glow behind and to the right of me [IG] which brings him to this similarly lit photo I’d taken in his car in 2009. [flickr]
A blue glow, sitting inside his car, flipped so he looks to be on the passenger side. [IG] Another post captioned “I need”. The lyrics are about regret, forgiveness, and hate, but also:
Disengaged
you’re with me, against me
but the only thing forever is hate
I forget what i saw
before and after that day
I’d trade all I was worth
to make myself into
the handsomest gun
and put the diamond bullet
into your
404 ERROR face
He consistently put 404 ERROR over his face while emulating me on the previous page.
December 8th, I post a movie screening [IG]
This leads him back to this family portrait again, a similarly toned angled bronze background above their heads. Next to it in flickr, a portrait of my mother. [flickr]
He draws a christmas elf. [fb] My eldest aunt’s red top making the tank top, my mother’s bathing suit and the lines of the stone fireplace inspiring the striped tubes behind. The twitter @ and windows inspiring the forehead tattoo to replace the scratch on my aunt’s forehead, the gradient of the screen used to tone the tank top.
The Breeders • Safari
He didn’t cry on a safari
In over his knees
He couldn’t leave a finer life
Always hugging the ground
And crying out for me
One month prior, these three images next to one another from the same week:
Wm Wenders at MoMA [fb] captioned:
“Yesterday I got to see Wim Wenders and his latest 3D documentary Anselm.”
In the hospital again [fb]
that movie screening again [fb]
The glowy blue lit window of The Sacrifice Game and my mentioning of 3D leads him to this photograph he’d taken of my bedroom in Ocean Grove with a 3 on the door.
His original caption for his photo on flickr:
“Room 3 is calling…
In the brisk air of the outside dawn……room 3’s furnace whistles as it calls to its next visitor by forcing a red hot luminescence.”
Now he posts himself in a pose of regret, his hand similarly bandaged. [IG]
Mitski • My Love Mine All Mine
My baby here on Earth
Showed me what my heart was worth
So, when it comes to be my turn
Could you shine it down here for her?
‘Cause my love is mine, all mine
I love mine, mine, mine
Nothing in the world belongs to me
But my love, mine, all mine
Nothing in the world is mine for free
But my love, mine, all mine, all mine
His caption reads:
“It’s right thru this door.”
He’s covered the word “wickedness”, the pinkie tattoo and trinity knot are visible, just two diamonds (imagined love?). The finger symbol for Purify is repeating and fading away. He’s flipped the image so the purity symbol is turning into a D, as in 3D.
D is also the alchemical symbol for Magnesium.
“Once ignited, magnesium is difficult to extinguish. That is why it represents eternity, infinite flame, and ascension.”
January 7th
The second week of December, I post these next to each other. [fb] [fb]
The finances graph next to my happy face reminds him of this painting based on me with uneven pupils.
January 16th
My [WFMU] playlist on December 9/10th celebrated Christmas and the birthday of John Cassavetes with the following gifs stacked above each other:
These bring him to our Sticky Friends Christmas photo of 2007.
His portrait has the heart-chasing cat where the candle would be; he lightens his shirt around it like it is lit. Hoodie string between the tattoos. [IG]
Peter Gundry • I Bleed for You
Remembering. Recreating.
January 20th
One week prior, I post the following gifs to my January 13/14th [WFMU] playlist:
The grey spiral of stripes brings Stefan back to these photos of me with my cats from February 2016.
Next to them, my vein-bruised knee.
He draws a strange clown. I am the hat, my knee is the head with Soderberg’s expression, Miss Kitka’s ear head is a giant ear. [IG]
Platon Davydov • Dramatic Sad Violin
January 21st
I have guest Joe Dator as a guest on my WFMU show on December 17th to talk about his book
which brings Stefan back to these Christmas family portraits from December 9th 2017.
Next to those family photos, this window self portrait taken two days later:
Combined, the houses in the background become tents, sidewalk becomes awkwardly long arm, the elf’s glasses are clown makeup, Santa’s pink house and my ruddy rosacea cheeks tint the drawing. [IG]
Øneheart • unforgettable memories
Christmas Eve of 2023, I post a promo for my radio show with a drawing of mine [IG]
leads him to an old photo from Ocean Grove, the mirror streaking like tears. [flickr]
His selfie emulates my fake tear, hearts leaping with white creatures on the lower right of the frame, like the objects on my kitchen countertop. [IG]
One Voice Children’s Choir • Glorious
Glorious, glorious, glorious
As you feel the notes build higher
You will see
It’s like a symphony, just keep listening
And pretty soon you will start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece, and there are melodies
In each one of us
Oh, it’s glorious
This again.
Santa’s reindeer in the snow leads Stefan to…
feed the deer by his house, but doing so by way of my urging Ozzie to hunt a cockroach years prior. [IG]
January 22nd
Back to this radio show, the black and white and facial expressions of the promo brings Stefan to our photobooth photos. [IG]
My necklace prominently pictured becomes Stefan’s own necklace referenced. Stefan combines his photobooth poses.
Alice in Chains • Rain When I Die
Will she keep on the ground, trying to ground me?
Slowly forgive my lie, lying to save me
Could she love me again or will she hate me?
Prob’ly not, I know why, can’t explain me
Remembering. Recreating.
Holding the trinity knot. His caption reads: Much like my thoughts, this necklace gets tangled on the regular.
The same WFMU playlist of my radio show with cartoonist Joe Dator includes this gif of Shirley Bassey
which in turn brings him back to this photo from 2010
and then to these surrounding [flickr] selfies.
The owl is not what it seems. [IG]
The X-ray is the tree branch.
My selfies become owl.
The hair shapes the owl body.
The claws, branches, and feather texture come from the MRIs:
On the [WFMU] playlist of my January 21st show, I posted this
The white monster with green eyes brings Stefan to this 2014 photo of a kitten in my Brooklyn back yard
which in turn brings him to this photograph of the then rescued kitten in my temporary care.
He draws a purple cat, the water of the Doctor Who illustration inspires the hair bow, the ear inspires the sketchy heart, the color from the horizon in the distance. [IG]
Madonna • Open Your Heart
I see you on the street and you walk on by
You make me wanna hang my head down and cry
If you gave me half a chance you’d see
My desire burning inside of me
But you choose to look the other way
I’ve had to work much harder than this
For something I want, don’t try to resist me
Open your heart to me, baby
I hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin’
I’ll give you love if you you turn the key
Again, on the [WFMU] playlist of January 21st, I posted this Doctor Who image. David Tennant’s V of lapels, and the border of angled lines around them
brings Stefan to this photograph of us grasping at a V of tree, branches angled around us.
David Tennant’s bird like face and pointed lapels turns us all into an ornate bird, the hint of planets turned into a subtle robot in the background of his drawing. [IG]
January 25th
I rant about last night’s radio show, wearing green, and a green head obscuring my own for a moment [IG]
which leads him back to this selfie from January 2020 when I had green hair [IG]
and then to other nearby instagram posts and reposts from that same winter. He finds the ones with green. [IG IG IG]
for a strange green scene. [IG]
The hard shadows and bangs from my childhood photo, pigtail shape from the canes in the background, the score ring is around her neck, her ringlets from the garland on the railing, her eyes from my plummeting credit score, the mouth and nose made from the surveillance decor, the framed picture in the background a closeup from my ranting WFMU video.
January 27th
Back to this radio promo [IG] from a month prior.
The Christmas hat brings Stefan back to this family photo shoot with a dog.
The photo of Joe and I above was taken when we attended a play about Jaws the previous summer. [IG]
December 17th. A video of construction work on the PATH lines, adding blue hands as they wave to me. [IG]
The blue hands leads Stefan back to August 2016, showing off one of the few times I actually painted my nails (blue grey), and took selfies and body progress pictures.
My vanity makes for the naked figure, my various hands used, the shiny metal ceiling inspires knives, caution tape and wires are added, the headphone wire wrapped around my arm inspires the knee suspension. [IG]
The second week of January, I rant about General Hospital, a silly facial expression [fb]
which brings Stefan to the same expression on my face on May of 2022. [IG]
I’d been drawing comedians on the slate tables at the Comedy Cellar.
He draws in white (chalk on slate?), makes his hand visible, like I am visible at the table. [IG]
If you squint, George Carlin’s head looks like a giant skull head.
The candle holder becomes a couch, my dots become couch buttons, salt shaker tops becomes couch legs.
Four days prior, I post a photograph of a window in my Brooklyn apartment [IG]
which leads Stefan back to those same curtains in my crumbling 2020 Jersey City apartment.
And then more photos of the terrible state of my building while in a battle with my landlord in 2020.
The exposed insulation on the ceiling looks like bats flying
so he combines the idea of bats with my hanging plants, and draws bats roosting on branches that look of electric cable.
Joshua Kyan Aalampour • The Queen’s Castle
January 28th
My January 27/28th [WFMU] playlist has this Mike Patton gif as the header:
which brings Stefan back to my photos of seeing Judas Priest and Mastodon play in November 2015
which in turn brings him to the getting ready to leave with the then-boyfriend, followed by the aftermath of exhaustion from attending Chiller days prior.
He combines our faces. The antique mirror’s drippy finish inspires the drippy faces.
.diedlonely • analogue winter
Continuing with the autumn of 2015, he mashes up this random assortment of flickr uploads from September / October 2015:
He draws a stage scene. [IG]
théos, Antent • mirage
Continuing with autumn 2015, this flickr autoupload photo from September…
…brings him back to this photo from my bedridden days in 2009:
He combines them, clutching at a black and white blanket, like my black and white cat, but in the pose of bedridden me.
Hoodie string between the H and the LXXXI.
Joshua Kyan Aalampour • The Queen’s Castle
Continuing with autouploads from September 2015, a photo I took of a food pantry to remember, hair inspiration, a silly selfie, and my scoliotic Great Aunt doppelgänger again.
He draws the ongoing theme of bag heads with the tones of the antique photo. [IG]
o.i • inner shadows
February 3rd
The mirror selfies from the last post
brings him to this unflattering autoupload naked body progress shot from January 2018.
Right next to it from January 2018, the finale of the “Glen Jones Radio Programme Featuring X-Ray Burns” Kill the Holidays Party.
He draws a naked clown, the gif of the torn heart falling like the confetti. The scroll work of the mirror becomes hair. X-Ray’s clown makeup shape and scarf are combined for a mask. My slouched body and elbow. [IG]
The M of the WFMU sign becomes a roman VI, the cow head becomes a foot, the speech bubble makes the arrow triangle, all to point at clown Stefan as being six feet tall.
Now continuing to look through 2018, he goes to this shot in February.
He takes a selfie holding the trinity knot against his shielded eyes. [IG]
My nudity and his black and white portrait with his hand brings him back to these self portraits next to each other from 2005 [flickr]
He combines them in his own [IG]
Peter Gundry • The Elixir of Life
Looking through my self portraits [flickr] album brings him to this 2009 photo again.
which he combines with 2021 me.
My faces and hair combined, the shelving behind me. [IG]
Grouper • Disengaged
The blue color and my T-shirt arms leads Stefan back to…
An old Fox Fest family photo.
He combines them into an oddly colorful portrait.
Peter Gundry • The Witching Hour
February 5th
That previous December, I post this silly meme to facebook, which brings Stefan back to
December 2014 flickr auto uploads. Mr. Freeze from my Batman themed nativity scene and some random Virgil Finlay art I’d downloaded to my phone the day prior.
Nikonn • Ominous
February 6th
I post this reel to instagram one month prior.
The color palette, lined pattern, and fonts brings him back to this Sticky Friends website background.
Remembering. Recreating.
The pillow is there to mimic the double Stefan face in the original image. He’s even flattened his hair curl to concave to match the dark line of the pillow seam.
Captioned “Desperately Needing” next to his coffee mug, echoing the [WILL RETURN SOON] lettering on the original.
February 10th
I reposted this image on February 10th
which leads Stefan back to this photo of us from my Aunt’s basement again.
So he draws on the other photos from that day.
His poses with my toddler skull, the color from the stripes of my shirt and the blue green stripe on the door.
and other images next to it in flickr from August 2016
The colors of the radio promo, the texture of the filtered selfie, the tilt of my silly head for his drawing.
February 13th
One month prior, I post a video about my attending a Gaiman reading of A Christmas Carol, showing off my outift and ranting about health ruining my plans.
My hooded figure in front of a white background with molding and wooden floor…
…brings Stefan back to photos I took in 2009 of us spending the night at my Aunt’s garage.
Stefan takes a selfie in profile like his shadow, in a pose like my wooden figure, gripping a loop like the one that is seen above the wooden figure, to a song that references shadow.
Peter Gundry • The Shadows Hymn
One week prior, I post a series of images comparing Quentin Crisp and Chloe Sevigny.
Chloe’s expressions and ours
lead him back to us waiting on line to see Neil deGrasse-Tyson.
Cosmos
He photographs himself, his hand moved to represent Marilyn as me. The song is Cosmos. We watched the full run of the original Cosmos together. Neil DeGrasse Tyson remade the original Cosmos series.
Remembering. Recreating.
Again, images comparing Quentin Crisp and Chloe Sevigny
brings him to this auto-upload profile from October 2015, similarly posed in front of horizontal lines…
and other images auto-uploaded from my phone from October 2015
He combines Chloe Sevigny and I into a cyborg?
“connection lost”
Valentine’s Day
Five days prior, I repost this old 90’s photo [fb]
which leads Stefan to this similar candid bar shot in profile from December 2019.
So he reposts this older drawing of me in profile, updating the color.
Colors for the graphic background from the striped top and jeans.
Again, images comparing Quentin Crisp and Chloe Sevigny
now brings him back to teenage Colin and his best friend [flickr]
and these
lead Stefan to his Ocean Grove photos of us
So Stefan draws us as best friends, drinking coffee. [IG]
I post about my ongoing illnesses, now with agonizing neuralgia pain in my ear. [fb]
My stabbing ear pain…
…leads Stefan back to this Sticky Friends photo of a bloody Q-tip.
So he posts a photograph similar in composition, but with a sharp stabby thing, to a song about wanting to hold me. [IG]
Otis Redding•These Arms of Mine
These arms of mine, they are lonely
Lonely and feeling blue
These arms of mine, they are yearning
Yearning from wanting you
And if you would let them hold you
Oh, how grateful I will be
These arms of mine, they are burning
Burning from wanting you
These arms of mine, they are wanting
Wanting to hold you
And if you would let them hold you
Oh, how grateful I will be
Come on, come on, baby
Just be my little woman
Just be my lover, oh
I need me somebody, somebody to treat me right, oh
I need your arms, loving arms to hold me tight
And I, I, I need, I need your, I need your, tender lips, to hold, hold me
Tell me when I’m right now, baby
(Just kill me.)
February 4th I post myself walking home after my radio show.
My hat askew with an arc design, as I eventually walk by tiled walls [fb]
leads him to his self portrait wearing a tiara while covered in molasses. He photographed this during our split, originally captioned:
“This is a reasonable photographic facsimile of what it feels like to be me.“
He recreates it in a gritty portrait. [IG]
Peter Gundry • I Bleed for You
This 2022 video, reuploaded two weeks prior [IG]
brings him back to these photographs from October 4th 2008.
So he photographs his lips in lipstick. [IG]
Peter Gundry • I Bleed for You
Also taken October 4th 2008, this portrait. More lips.
So he draws his lips. [IG]
.diedlonely•analogue winter
February 15th
This photo from two weeks prior [IG] brings him to…
June 2007 when we snuck into a Christian rock concert in Ocean Grove. [flickr]
He’s added light leakage to his photo to emulate the look of the projection, and used a song to reference the moment.
Ken Tamplin Vocal Academy • God Gave Rock And Roll To You
Eyes closed.
Remembering. Recreating.
February 17th
I post a ramble health update days before wearing my hood, angled ceiling above me, gesticulating with my hand around my jaw. [fb]
This brings him back to this photo I took of him wearing a hood in the Ocean Grove days, under the angle of porch roof.
He photographs himself in the same pose, but adds color, like the color changing lightbulb I have going in my video. [IG]
Peter Gundry • As Shadows Fall
Eyes closed.
Remembering. Recreating.
Now going through the past…
I took this at his house. September 2008.
The same position. An awkward face. [IG]
Peter Gundry • As Shadows Fall
Remembering. Recreating.
His upturned guitar face with lots of nostril
leads him back to my shitty drawing of Marilyn Monroe with the fucked up nostrils.
He posts it to his account without comment. [IG]
I suspect he’s trying to get my attention.
But I didn’t see this post.
It probably wouldn’t have occurred to me that he was posting my art, anyway.
February 20th
October 4th 2008. Another photo I took at his house.
His photo focuses on his pinkie tattoo. [IG]
Radiohead • All I Need
You are all I need
You’re all I need
I’m in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
Halloween 2007. Holding a candle lit jack-o-lantern.
Radiohead • All I Need
I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I’m just an insect
Trying to get out of the night
Lyrics about a light for a moth. A reference to this gushing email.
February 21st
February 9th, I compare Radar from MASH to Andrew Scott.
Which reminds Stefan of our photobooth photos from 2008.
Or… you could have called me on the fucking phone you beautiful man.
[IG] “Needs”
December 30th 2023, I post from bed, too sick to do my radio show. [fb]
Which brings Stefan to September/December of 2009. The heartbroken bedridden times.
Yiruma • River Flows in You
He combines them. [IG]
Again, June 2007 when we snuck into a Christian rock concert in Ocean Grove. He’d been lifting his shirt to show off his back wounded with scratches to add to the blasphemy.
Here he’s opening his coat to reveal his chest, his wounded heart. He matches the colors, and uses the bend of the zipper and the chain he’s holding to mimic the perpendicular arched rows of light on the ceiling, even adding the same red glow to his jacket. Using that same song. [fb]
Ken Tamplin Vocal Academy • God Gave Rock And Roll To You
Eyes closed.
Remembering. Recreating.
February 24th
Fireworks from my rooftop that previous October [IG]
brings Stefan to photo I took of him on July 4th 2009.
Journey of Discovery • Elephant Music
The same blurry hand, palm up, with clothes in the background [fb]
Eyes closed.
Remembering. Recreating.
February 25th
New Years Eve ramble (during which I erroniously refer to “today” as Christmas Eve). I laughingly rant about the holidays and sickness.
I talk about my past lung issues when I’d twice had a tube surgically inserted between my ribs. (I also make reference to Stefan and my past heartbreak over him.)
My mention of chest incision brings Stefan to Ocean Grove 2007, with a wound on his ribs. This is his timer selfie; one of his first times crashing with me. He thought the singles in the foreground was very funny.
He combines my video with his old selfie. Money in his hand, sitting with similar position (and skin tone) to ranting me. The song he chooses talks about being breathless (like punctured lungs) the trinity knot and chain is half transparent, faded away (like the song lyrics). [IG]
Mazzy Star • Into Dust
Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
‘Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
‘Till my hand shook with the way I fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing older
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate
It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust
Eyes closed. Remembering.
February 27th
June 2007.
Nine Inch Nails • Closer
His photo puts the hoodie string between the H and the LXXXI. [IG]
Eyes closed.
Remembering. Recreating.
(Reasons indeed.)
February 29th
September 2009. Our painful times.
A photograph of Stefan visiting me at my Aunt’s and taking us out to a diner. I tried so hard to be ok, but these nights would often end in my desperate heartbroken pleading tears.
My caption on flickr:
I prefer the neuropathic stings and stabs, the searing arthritic joints, the cramping and knotting of muscle, the gut wrenching of kidney stones, and the anguish of my twisted spine. Yes, I prefer all of those at their very worst, striking me in unison; would eagerly accept that crippling chorus of fleshy pain and bear it willingly, if it could lessen the agony I currently feel, the agony that dwarfs all else I’ve ever known.
Watching my everything as it slides away into blackness.
.diedlonely • in the bleak midwinter
He mirrors my agony. [IG]
Remembering. Recreating.
March 3rd
September 2009 again. Garret Mountain.
His drawing matching the scarf.
He combines our faces again. [IG]
.diedlonely • fading
Continuing with 2009.
In June 2009 I reposted a self portrait from 2006…
…which leads him to a breasty self portrait from 2006.
He combines them. [IG]
Silent Hill Revelation
March 4th
Back to June 2009.
A sad selfie when I first moved in with my aunt, right before things got bad between us.
His photo with hoodie and trinity knot chain mimicking my hair, circling the roman numerals. [IG]
Silent Hill Revelation
The hoodie string and trinity chain separating the H and the LXXXI, the trinity knot circling it.
June 2008.
Stefan draws us, matching the background color above our heads, the swirl from the shape at the bottom center. [IG]
Antent, vowl. • drowning
Wishing.
March 8th
May 27th 2007. His birthday.
Pink because I was wearing pink for his visit.
He’s added some hardly noticeable off-black half-circles to the top of his image to emulate the curtain folds, and placed them in the same spots that they’d be in the original photo, with a gap of folds to the left of his head. The hoodie string. [IG]
Remembering.
March 10th
I post to instagram album covers of prizes during the WFMU fundraising marathon. [IG]
This one with a yellow dot and swoopy colors
brings Stefan back to our sheet-draped Sticky Christmas photo
and to the messiness of pink cupcake icing.
He draws me gripped by the throat. [IG]
Peter Gundry • The Elixir of Life
Posted the same day.
Another record for radio prizes, a black shape on the tan album cover [IG]
which leads Stefan to this photo from the NYC Comic Con 2013, the background color and the shape of the hair to the fellow on the right. [flickr]
His drawing has the same color background, his shirt inspires the design curls on the skin and the shape of the horns, walleyed irises made of earring. [IG]
Silent Hill Revelations
Posted the same day.
March 12th
Another radio prize giveaway, the Gremlins readalong storybook for children [IG]
which brings Stefan back to Mom’s photobook of my childhood.
He draws children (his brothers?) and photographs a spiral bound book in the background. He replicates my checkered pattern on one of the kids, and adds a gif of color to match the Gremlins book. [IG]
Posted two days apart.