January 1st/2nd
[tumblr]
[flickr]
A combination of photographs from the last time I was at his house in 2009.
January 12th
Auto uploaded one month prior. [flickr]
Uploaded two months prior. [flickr]
I become a yoga pose. [tumblr]
The coiled hair braid from the coiled phone cord.
date?
He uses two photographs right next to each other in my selfportraits album. [flickr]
This had been painted this winter, but then reposted online years later. [IG IG].
He uses the same greens and blues and reds present in the photos, combining the facial expressions, the house inspired by the angle of shadow to the left of my head, the jagged crossed black lines around the child’s head inspired by the camera strap, the black rocketship from my black bracelet with round silver snaps, the fins of the ship from the triangles of red material coming down, the orange of the striped sweater, the chimney, and the roof from the shelf behind my camera.
January 18th
A silly phone pic I’d sent Stefan in the Ocean Grove days. [flickr]
A grey line between the photos, like the grey of the door molding behind me. [flickr]
Uploading family photos at my Aunt’s. [flickr]
A boy riding a dog creature. [tumblr]
January 25th
Ocean Grove days.
The triangle of white wall in the foreground inspires the DUNCE cap. [tumblr]
The circles borne of doorknob and shadow; the lettering made of wire with highlights.
January 26th
Uploaded two months prior to the family archives [flickr]
Which brings him to other similarly bluegreen photos of mine, like this infrared photo from December of 2006 [flickr] the giraffe a month later.
[tumblr]
He even shifted the white balance down the middle from right (cool) to left (warm), to match the aging photographs of my grandparents.
He captions it with: “Ignore the color separation. It’s in fact, the same drawing. I had to take a separate picture of each character then merge them. Whatever, I need a scanner. This is old news.“
When Stefan gives information without need, it’s not true. He over-explains to conceal.
January 28th
One week prior, I’d uploaded a new self portrait [flickr], as well as older photographs of the Ocean Grove house for renters [flickr]. This bathroom was in many of our collaborations.
He combines them, takes a bathroom shot of similar pattern to the wallpaper. [flickr]
February 1st
Chicago photos. [flickr]
Her face, his hands, his hair for the fur. [tumblr]
February 3rd
My mother on the beach and a nearby photo of her in a leopard costume hugging a stuffed lion. [flickr]
[tumblr]
February 8th
An email to Stefan during the worst of times, his most accusatory, my most betrayed and heartbroken.
February 10th
October 9th/16th 2009. [flickr]
The large red explosion above my tiny figure inspires the apple with a hint of blue in the background, the orange shapes and hat inspire the orange colored worm, as does the centipede, his pointy legs make for the toothpick in the worm’s mouth. [flickr]
He uses his own photograph as reference[fb]
which becomes me being held by a gender-swapped him; the origins of what would later turn into the theme of his bloodied figure carrying my bloodied body in his arms. [tumblr]
At the time, I’d asked if the person doing the carrying was the woman I suspected he was dating.
The person “happily carrying the other one”, is me Rachael. That’s not her. It’s fuckin’ me. As for the person I’m carrying, well…do you need me to say it? I have no conceivable reason to lie about that. I don’t even wish that’s what it was now, but…to be honest…as much as I don’t want to right now, that’s the truth. It’s us Rachael. I wanted to draw a picture of us, but really drawing us, seemed like a odd thing. I was gonna make myself a grim corpsey woman, but, I just decided to make them both look like humans. The picture went were I took it. It’s, undeniably us though. I decided to make you like a Dave Cooper type character.(as much as I loath comparison) Since you say it looks like her, which it doesn’t, I really…need to set that straight.
In response to my wonderings about the woman he was seeing, he’d added this long post under the image on his tumblr: LINK
February 12th
An email exchange between us, answering each others wonderings, about the truth in flesh.
I was hired by a photographer to help him with lighting and do test photos with equipment. [fb]
February 14th
Our cupcake photos, a favorite project, were taken on Valentine’s Day.
In response to my photograph with someone else, this Valentine’s Day, he makes an attempt at Sticky Friends type stuff with the new girl, his face blue. He’d made me take down our photos with him shirtless. [flickr]
My photo of him bearing teeth is recreated, too. In his new photograph he was sure to get that pinky tattoo front and center. [flickr]
This whole situation was really unfair to her. Was I expected to compete with her for him? I was jealous and heartbroken, but refused to see her as an enemy.
February 16th
January 21st, 2010
Email from Stefan
[ excerpt ]
Bye for now, short from now, a long time from now, or forever.
Okay, I could relax now. :::knees bend back into themselves, fingers grow long and sharp, bottom teeth protrude, ears flop down,nose gets red & wet, eyes turn black::::
….ahh, back to normal.
Photos from the Chicago trip of 2009. Mister Grumpy Face. [flickr]
Back becomes humpback, backpack straps become ears, bokeh light blur and cloud shapes become birds, my hair becomes tree. [tumblr]
February 17th
The old news clipping, and new photographs uploaded three months prior of the bronze statues in Newark Penn Station, two of which were cast from me and my mother. [flickr]
The ground is wet because it looks like theres blue on the ground in the news clipping. The tails are made of train ticket. [tumblr]
February 19th
October 4th 2009. A diner run to North Jersey.
October 16th 2009.
Oil and vinegar ears, inverted smile becomes frown, perspective shots make for tiny feet, diner decor for details. [tumblr]
February 22nd
October 2008.
[tumblr]
February 24th
The smoke tendrils inspire the plants emerging from the water. My torn earlobe and crosseyed eyes. The texture of my dress inspires the spine. [tumblr]
He just can’t… stop… going back to 2001. His brain won’t stop.
Selfies. One week apart. Same hand positions and colors. [flickr]
His dunce drawing visible. [tumblr]
February 25th
His dunce hat brings him to this old photo [flickr] next to this Easter photo with my dad.
which in turn brings him to this old family photo with my uncle in a similar top.
We become a little girl on a swing. [tumblr]
Sticky note face. Sticky friends.
Fox Fest 2006. [flickr]
[tumblr]
February 28th
While things were tense between us, Stefan writes to me about my recent health worries.
March 2nd
From my photobucket. I’d drawn something to explain how useless both I and my mother are without reference to draw from. As a young child, I’d asked my mother to draw a chicken for me to use as reference to draw my own for a school project. She forgot that chickens had two legs so she gave it four, and also gave it ears, because she knew there was something pointy about the head but didn’t remember exactly what. Stefan randomly posted this on his facebook without explanation. [fb]
March 3rd
Reference photos I took of him for future drawings. Also, photos from June 2007 with Mutual Friend (Manhattan, Ocean Grove)
The arc of rainbow becomes arch of tree, houses become tombstones. [tumblr]
March 5th
More of Manhattan June 2007 (with The Brother and Mutual Friend) and Stefan art reference.
When in doubt, compare ear shape. [tumblr]
March 6th
April 2009. Asbury Park.
The three curved lines on his forehead from his hat brim, the rolled up Zombie Walk flier makes a knife, hands combined, pinkie sticking out. [tumblr]
March 8th
In response to a health update I’d emailed to a select few:
It’s really amazing how cantankerous I am these days. I can see it in people’s eyes. They’re afraid to talk to me. I hate to say it, but, I kind of like it. You know what I’m like. You know it was never against you. You let me be that way and counteracted it with smiles and laughter.
Our full exchange.
March 10th
In response to a mass email I’d sent about my health status.
email from Stefan
If you were an android…
…I’d bring you to a droid repair station.
I’m not to thrilled with your last email to me. It’s…well, I don’t even want to get into it.
Point is, I know this isn’t a very good drawing, and it’s very small. Though, it’s for you. Only. It won’t be posted anywhere. I’ve since reworked the suit design. I’ve made it much cooler and understandably functional.(and clunky-ish) I’m digressing. Anyway…I should have just sent this and not have written. I can’t think much right now.
In short, I wish you had a mostly android body and I had a mostly android brain. I’d adventure us through whatever seedy futuristic dystopian industrial smog world, cutting throats and getting answers to find the best droid mechanic in the city to fix us. Just a thought out of nowhere. Here’s a drawing to accompany it. Anyway, as we were.
March 12th
email from me to stefan
[ excerpt ]
I hope you believe how much I care for you, and how highly I think of you, how wonderful I think you are. I hope you can find someone who will be as absolutely-fabulously-everything to you as you’ve been for me. I hope you can share in that with someone someday. You deserve someone to bring some joy to your existence, and a person in your life you can not only enjoy, but truly trust.
I wish I could have been that person for you.
I just…. I just really wanted you to know how magical I truly do think you are. I’m sorry for having to send yet another email to you to say that.
Here is the complete effusive email.
March 14th
May 2007. I took this of him in our early days in Ocean Grove. He said it looked like his spirit was leaving his body. [flickr]
He’s recreated it in a hallway. [fb]
March 15th
July 25th 2007. Back here again. Our early days. [flickr]
He combines that with a photo he’d taken, tweaked, and sent me in 2008.
My butt accentuated by the circular shape of the lamp. [tumblr]
March 17th
Butts again. All uploaded July 25th 2007, all next to each other in the [flickr] feed.
He adds this one, me cutting off my hair uploaded one week prior. [flickr]
The motorcycle provides the mechanical elements. It is a mashup of me. [tumblr]
March 19th
An email to Stefan I never sent.
Family photos [flickr]
Family photo mashup. [tumblr]
March 22nd
November 1st, 2009 [flickr] and childhood. [flickr]
My faces combined. The knee socks become leggings. My cousins provide detail. [tumblr]
March 23rd
Early Years album: childhood, and me with my first boyfriend. [flickr]
Wheels, wooden chair, bubble wand, rollerskate detailing becomes the contraption. [tumblr]
My kitten photos from 2003 [flickr]
He combines them, gives the body the shape of the bottle. [tumblr]
One of the mockups for his website in 2009.
He’s desaturated his photo to match the colors. Laying on the counter like sleeping between the graphics, with a black plastic bag at his feet, like the one covering him in the original image. [flickr]
Nine days apart. [flickr]
His caption: “If you stare at tile long enough…you’ll realize how stupid you are.” [flickr]
March 24th
Ocean Grove and Fox Fest [flickr]. August – October 2007.
Inspired by the two yellow photos, he adds elements of Fox Fest, combining himself with my cousin’s face. [tumblr]
March 25th
Symbolically separating from each other in bathrooms. [flickr]
There were many times I asked him if he was referencing me in his art. He almost always denied it.
March 28th
Stefan says he is replying to my many questions. He doesn’t. He deflects instead.
March 31st
Fox Fest 2005. [flickr]
Fox Fest 2007, the same Aunt and Uncle. [flickr]
Their faces combined. His overall face with her collar shirt, pursed lips, and upturned nostrils. [tumblr]
April 7th
An email from me. I still have questions, but I think we are on the verge of starting over. Of being romantic.
April 10th
Thinking we might be starting over, I tell Stefan about the fact that I’d fooled around with an ex over the winter.
He reacts poorly.
So I send an email to Stefan about the supposed unflatteringness of me.
April 15th
Ocean Grove, October 2008. Childhood Halloween.
Me hugging my little cousin becomes me hugging the dog, the demon dog inspired by my witchy cousin beside us.
Emailed to me without comment.
His caption [fb] when he’d reposted it two years later:
“Here’s a past drawing I did of an old photo I found of a young lady and her massive hound. I obviously embellished the features to make him look…a tad unfriendly. No watermark necessary, I’m not really taking credit for this because I more or less drew the picture as it was…besides the obvious. There’s something christmasy about it…not overtly, but in a Dickensian way. Eh.”
Something Christmasy about it?! Something like me, Rachael Noel, born on Christmas Eve?! AAAaaarrrrgh.
April 16th
We start emailing all friendly like again, sending links and art to each other.
One month prior, I’d uploaded old photos of me at age 17 with last night’s makeup and a half shaved head holding a kitten [flickr]
Stefan then adds to that my teenage Sears portrait from the same year, taken on a first date. [flickr]
Stefan emails me a hairless cat with dramatic eyes. He tints the image slightly pink to match the Sears photo carpet and adds a white border. [tumblr]
Photos for hire.
Originally emailed to me, then posted online [tumblr] then later inked and scanned in.
April 17th
email from me to Stefan
i hope we get to see each other soon.
I’d like to go somewhere we can sit in the dark of night together, leaning against each other and touching shoulders. Looking at the sky.
It’s the nights like this that Ocean Grove punches me in the stomach.
email from Stefan to me
I think we need to go to Arizona to see stars. I’m making transfers. More nightmare before xmas crap.
April 19th
email from me to Stefan
Anyway.
I wanted to um… thank you. For coming by as often as you have these past few weeks. And… y’know… trying. Hanging out with you, in the most simplest of ways, is the very best thing there is. Even if I was healthy and wanting to climb mountains.
…
I keep trying to find a way out, but I keep getting… more sick. more cramping and hurting and useless and answerless.
Y’know… the sad, directionless, and unstable place I find myself in, now more than ever,…. well. It does confuse me. About you.
It’s really the most glaring example of why I’ve tended to try and stay away from being important to anyone. And now you, especially you…. you above all others, you that I care most about… I feel sometimes I should spare you this sad useless attachment of me.
…. I want to be more.
So much.
And I know you wish you hand answers or ideas for me.
And then I feel bad all over again.
My future really scares me.
I’m sorry I am what I am. I wish I was more. You should have more.
I can understand if that’s… something that plays a factor in the uncertainty of you wanting to bind yourself to me.
But most of all….
I want to thank you for being the one person in my life who hasn’t run away when faced with the wierdness and frustration of my health.
I just want to be ok.
I’m sorry I’m such a mess.
April 22nd
Back again to 2001. The closer we get, the more he reaches to my past. [flickr]
The lily-pad motif from the giant frogs, the bamboo from the lined glass behind us. He uses the angles and placement of items in the background to dictate the branches (the bend of the wooden chair back, the line of diagonal shine under the bar, etc). [tumblr]
Their faces combined with my body.
The same nubby thumb.
April 24th
emailed to me without comment:
email from me
funny.
ha.
ha.
(i’m obviously the duck)
April 26th
He emails me selfies without explanation matching the poses of my own recent selfies from February and March:
April 29th
An email exchange about the coziness of watching movies.
May 3rd
Uploaded February 11-16.
My Great Aunt and my selfies before her funeral. I generally find that kind of thing tasteless, but my very stylish Great Aunt gave me so many crazy hand-me-downs from the 40’s when I was a teenager, I really wanted to dress up extra great in her honor. [flickr]
Emailed to me without cause:
May 4th
[flickr] Naked and veiny.
Emailed to me, uploaded in March. captioned: “Fellas, she’s single.” [flickr]
May 10th
I sleep over Stefan’s house. We have a back and forth about bedtime.
May 14th
I ask Stefan about the identity of his other woman. It doesn’t go well.
May 20th
My photos [flickr] then his [flickr]
We went to the Great Swamp together and found a snake.
April 2009. Shots for his website.
Emailed to me without explanation. A brown border like the brown railing in my photo.
May 22nd
March. [flickr]
emailed to me without reason
May 24th
December 2009 upload from my bedridden days. The same week I uploaded old red photos from 2004. [flickr]
[tumblr]
He turns my smile into a frown, my hair wisps become strings of drool.
May ???
Combining current me with 2001 me.
May 24th
A scanned in drawing of mine. A dream about a space bear eating people. He posts bear teeth. [tumblr]
May 27th
Between the painful emails, I’d try to suck up my heartbreak and wonderings, and we were cute and happy like we should be. Here’s a chat on his birthday.
May 30th
Me and an old friend (my very first boyfriend) November 2009. [flickr]
Our faces combine to make Betty White. [tumblr]
