January 5th
Photo for hire. A month and a half apart. An old photo of his he’s reposting.
January 6th
I clarify my HSV2 diagnosis, and poke at Stefan to come out.
January 7th
Vermont Wedding. September 2010.
[tumblr]
Now colored. [tumblr]
January 9th
Riffing off of a meme again. These two images next to each other [fb] with my stripey top and sunglasses with a bag diagonally across me, the meme fellow with long hair, hand gesture, and shadowed lines behind him…
Brings Stefan back to this photo again. Her brightly colored stripey top. His long hair, the gesture, the lines of shadow behind him.
And therefore is lead to other photos from the Manhattan jaunt with The Brother and Mutual Friend, and other photos from Ocean Grove uploaded the same time period.
My flying brother inspires the bird. The leaves taken from the painted antique dresser behind him. Stefan becomes the riding girl, his camera makes for a strange round toothy mouth. Our faces combined for the witchy face behind, the scars on the face inspired by the shadows of scaffolding. [tumblr]
He uses the color and composition of the meme.
But combines my face. He even includes the gap of my missing tooth.
January 17th
One month prior, I repost this Sticky Friends Christmas photo. [tumblr]
Stefan draws himself as Dopey, who is cannonically draped in the same colors. Clever pun. [tumblr]
January 22nd
and then to this, taken the same day in September 2008 for a Mom family gathering. [flickr]
for a child with an electric cord through her head, the colors used from the color child. [tumblr]
The child in the group shot with belt on either side of her head inspires the composition.
Her face combined with child in the color photograph.
My hands used for the child.
inside the box I am carrying across my body like a bag is a DIY photobox [fb] which is what inspires the electric cord.
January 29th
I ask how he’s doing, worried from some ominous social media posts that point to bad habits. He tells me.
January 30th
September 2008. Mom family gathering again. [flickr]
[tumblr]
January 31st
Fox Fest 2010. [flickr]
Faces, textures, and design combined. [fb]
Faces combined, with echos of old Fox Fest shirt designs in his shirt.
February 2nd
Stefan writes to me about fire.
February 5th
Next to each other in my tagged gallery. Women of my past.[fb]
[tumblr] Color from the bricks behind us, the pale lavender of flash, the dark blue green of non-flash.
My eyebrows, her eyeballs and hair, our lips and noses combined.
February 7th
This image with it’s bright colors and hands
brings Stefan back to this photo [flickr]
and then in turn to this photo, both of which I’d taken of him in 2008. [flickr]
He draws an unflattering self portrait with color splotches from each photograph. [tumblr]
His finger obscures the tiny image just enough to give him the appearance of a triangle of hair, which he puts in his drawing.
February 8th-18th
Stefan and I email about death, Detroit, and dungeons.
February 20th
Back to the statues in Newark Penn Station.
My photos [flickr] and a [fb] tagged newsclipping makes for a new portrait of statue me, the green from the light artifact in the photo of my mother, my scoliosis legs evident. [tumblr]
February 22nd
Conversation of thanks and cold weather.
February 26th
Two weeks prior, I post this image of Michael Gira of Swans
which leads Stefan back to this and other images I’d taken of him April 2009.
as well as these photos from Ocean Grove January 2009.
Stefan draws a monsterized self portrait. [tumblr]
February 28th
My early years. Me and my dad. [flickr]
[tumblr]
Using the pose of me on my father’s shoulders, he mixes it up with other childhood photos. The photo is tinted with the color of my lavender top, his lettering the color of my dark purple dress. Storks representing babies I assume, but elephants? For memory?
March 8th
Back to this photo.
Which leads him to three selfies from March/April 2012 with similar elements; color, hands, bared teeth. [flickr]
King Kong nostrils, green face, camera holding hands, golden eyes, dippy hair, no eyebrows like purple haired me. Bright orange like Michael Gira’s stage lighting.
[wayback]
March 12th
I offer to attend meetings with him, and we write about art.
March 13th
January 2nd, I’d uploaded photos of Psychic TV performing. This brought Stefan back to the photographs I’d taken of the same band in 2011. [flickr]
He combines these with a selfie of me and the new boyfriend uploaded January 21st, photos for hire of performance artist Coralee Lynn Rose I’d uploaded two weeks prior, and a recent photograph posted to facebook of a gallery opening on March 4th (by Brendan Adamson).
The theme of me wearing a skull helmet, the red corresponding to the pink highlights of the guitar player, the green color from the money, the dark red from my hair, etc…
[tumblr]
March 16th
This bangs portrait used above brings him back to
this red shirted selfie from April 27th of 2011 [flickr]
which brings him back to this photo he’d taken of himself in my shirt.
Uploaded the same day as my 2011 red shirt selfie: a photo of Slimer graffiti.
Next to Slimer in the feed was my attending Chiller in spring of 2011. [flickr]
My dorky expression and hair when meeting actresses at Chiller brings him back to this dorky photo of me with braces.
He combines them all.
Slimer’s tongue makes the floor pattern, Tony Clifton smoking on stage inspires the fire and smoke. My braces face, my redshirted torso replicated, the zombie dolls make the Stefan cartoon dude, Stefan in my Fox Fest shirt provides the hand, the gas mask tube inspires the pattern of the fingernails. [tumblr]
March 21st
During Chiller 2011, I’d photographed a musician, his guitar bathed in pink light.
This brings Stefan to February 12th of this year, when I uploaded photos from seeing SWANS perform. [flickr]
Right after that in the flickr feed; on March 18th I’d uploaded photos from an erotic art exhibit in Florida. [flickr]
He combines various elements of them into one drawing. [tumblr]
Her opera gloves make for a cartoon glove pattern in the bow.
March 16th-22nd
We email about sleep, world politics, family frustrations, and drugs.
March 24th
Again with the new boyfriend in January.
which brings Stefan back to this similar photo from 2008. [flickr]
The green eyeshadow brings him to this selfie from the previous September. [flickr]
and then, combined, my sexy lips and shaggy curly hair leads him back to this drawing I’d given him. I had fucked up the nostrils and then the other side of the face (now digitally blurred) and started crying in frustration and wanted to throw it away, but Stefan took it with him so I wouldn’t destroy it.
Me as Marilyn Monroe, which becomes quite relevant later. The same green background. And roses. And one eye. [IG] (with loyalty)
The lines he added to the cheekbone and jaw, as well as the skull face, mimic the hair wisps that cover my face in the glasses photo.
March 25th
“Detail of previous post….just because it’s all about this little bubblegum monster…and his tragic demise.” [wayback]
He has a colored flower, she has a matching tattoo.
The green from her top, the blue from the balloons, the yellow from her skirt, the red from both, their faces combined. [tumblr]
March 26th-29th
I suggest ibogaine. We email about feelings of worthiness and sobriety.
April 2nd
Email exchange between us about life, sickness, withdrawal, and how much he helped me in my Ocean Grove days.
April 15th-19th
I repeatedly keep trying to invite Stefan out. He updates me on his life. I update him on mine.
May 2nd
He asks my opinion on a painting.
May 15th
Dream diary:
Dreams of Stefan’s death. That I did it. Accidentally, sure, but it was my fault. And how I freaked out and buried his body and just didn’t tell anyone. And how I’m still staying there, and how people keep mentioning him, looking for him, and how I can’t figure out how to tell anyone what I did or how it happened and I can’t imagine how anyone will ever want to speak to me and how I keep emailing him and trying to hang out because I forget that he’s dead.
May 15th -17th
We email about Mother’s Day, radio, and life struggle.
May 22nd
From one month prior, a photo of the performance artist I worked for. [flickr] Her upside-down genitalia brings him to
these photos from Ocean Grove, shot the same night, now in this context like a shaved versus bushy comparison.
He combines us for a portrait with Georgia O’Keefe vibes. He titles his email “Found this” as though he’d painted it years ago.
email from Stefan
Sorry, my phone can sucks & there’s weird glare from the varnish (can’t get a good angle in here)….but yeah. You, wrapped in a sheet.
My white sheet is now yellow like her latex outfit, the sheet now positively labial in shape. I am an upside-down vulva.
How did I not see that?!
email from me
That’s really quite good. You got the cloth wonderfully; and there’s a likeness in my face. I particularly dig the style – it’s loose while being very under control. I think you work best painting with broad strokes (as opposed to small-brushed detail), which is odd, considering how good you are with intricate linework.
Hooray! I’m glad you are painting! (And my ego totally loves seeing myself as a piece of excellently crafted art.)
I will NOT show you my last sad attempt at painting. Not yet, at least. It still needs work. I did it mostly from out of my head, and that is not something I am good at, especially with the style in which I oil paint. I was working against ALL of my strengths. Next painting: no landscape!
May 27th-June
Stefan and I write as he tries to navigate a nasty abyss.
May 30th
We’d been talking about radio. One week after this photograph of me chatting on air for the first time at WFMU [fb] Stefan made a goddamn radio from scratch. [fb]
“Couldn’t sleep….so I grabbed some miscellaneous garbage and made a working radio. It only gets one talk radio station….but no batteries required. Cool huh? :::crickets:::”
June – August
Stefan and I email as things in his life grow dark.
August 21st
I post Boyfriend’s roommate’s elderly cat, going grey. [flickr] Stefan videos his elderly dog, gives her a good closeup. [IG]
August 30th
He posts the day after me [IG], about walking with crutches. He tweaks the red to match my skirt. [IG]
September 8th
August 21st. I post a shitty busker in suspenders. [IG] He posts himself as a kid in suspenders two weeks later. [IG]
September 20th
June. I post some drawings. [flickr]
July. I post photographs for hire of the performance artist Coralee Lynn Rose. [flickr]
He combines them. The platform the artist is on becomes the block; the curve of dollar bills inspires the tongue and ears; the moon face man inspires drawing style, the circular dots, his ears make the nubbin legs, his tie inspires the wagging tail. [IG]
September 20th
uploaded June 14th. [flickr] We become zombie. [IG]
September 24th – October
Emails of supportive words to Stefan, my own new dire diagnosis, and then my feelings tied up in my own hurt and lying to myself.
November 10th
Me, the boyfriend, and Tommy Wiseau. One month prior. [IG]
Boyfriend’s hand, my hair, Tommy’s green, my hot pink. The creases of the armpit of my top make for hair wisps. [IG]
November 14th
Again with Tommy Wiseau from one month prior, I post this movie poster. [flickr]
The pose and composition brings Stefan to this insomniac selfie two months prior [flickr]
The orange tones and red design elements bring Stefan to this ComicCon photo uploaded one month prior. [flickr]
He combines our faces, part boyfriend’s nose part mine. The red graphic element from the backdrop. [IG]
December 18th
I ask if he’d avoided me at an event.